Hi Ami,

I am sorry, I totally remember now. It's been nutty for me the last few weeks, still not quite all together yet.

I'd definitely go for the hunting weekends and dazzle him with your domestic talents. I see this is an excellent Plan A opportunity! Especially and mostly since you do enjoy these trips! Dont ask him, just assume you are going, as usual.

Bring stuff to make (or have mostly/already pre-made) dazzeling meals and supper yummy camp deserts. I've got tons of camping recipies, try looking for fun stuff on the internet. Split banana's stuffed with chocolate bars, wrapped in foil. Bring stuff for hot cocoa, including marshmellows. Cream for the coffee in the mornings. Frozen tater-tots or other frozen potatoes are great for campfires. Make a great camp breakfast. Bring extra pillows, blankets, or other comfort items.

All for the kids, of course <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

If it's appropriate, little bottle of brandy, wine, or hooch, just enough to share a little, should the oppoturnity arise. Pour yourself something nice late in the evening, casually offer him some.

Etc.

This is kinda my area, I love to show off by being totally prepared for every camping situation. Hand cleaners, extra hand towels, trash bags. I love to cook for campers, they are an escpecially appreciative group!

Get everything together ahead of time so it looks effortless on execution <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. You just happen to be perfectly prepared, 'This? No biggie, but thanks!'

OW will not go to these lengths for his kids. He'll notice.

Have fun! - Dru

AmI... so that you know... my suggestion is for you to go is to spend time with the kids. As far as your H goes... well, I wouldn't push that at all. This is a special time for you and the kids too... a tradition. Keep it alive for one more year if you can. You don't really know if there will be another one of these next year. I know that hurts... but it is reality. If your H doesn't change and do it very soon... he will have pushed you to a point of no return... if he hasn't already. I know that you still want your H back... but remember that even if the A were to end today... YOU will have a long road ahead of you trying to forgive and move past some very unforgivable behaviors on his part. Trusting in him enough to remain married to him in the future may or may not be possible. Either way, I wish you luck... and work out those sleeping arrangements. He has no right to lay his body down anywhere near yours.

Plan A right?

Then why don't you just put on a happy face and ask him what he would like to you bring up to camp..."any special requests sweetie?"

I'm in sales -- we call that the assumptive close....lol.

Just go along with the assumption that everything is same as always.

Personally -- I'd get my body as close as possible in that camper....more for him to think about...

Dru is right -- dazzle him! And the added benefit is that it will drive OW insane. It will get through the grapevine that you were there with him!

Before you go advising something like this... check out messedup's thread about passing an STD on to his W. Steer clear of your H in bed until such a time as you KNOW he is done with the wh0re and has been tested. To do otherwise is simply irresponsible.

Why would it be clingy for a wife to go on a camping trip with a husband like you have always done?

You could always ask him "What are the plans for the hunting week?"
If he indicates that he doesn't want you to go, then don't help him pack, get food together or anything (except help the kids).
If he indicates that you can go, then do your normal thing and act like you belong there, because you do!

lol .... it's a pretty tiny camper .... kids sleep about 2 feet away. Between that, the 47 layers of clothes that you have to wear to keep warm up there, and the ever-so-lovely aroma that camping leaves on a body ..... There is no danger of any STD swapping at the hunting camp. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />


-AmI.

I really agree with everyone else, I think this is a perfect plan A opportunity. And if the WS is there all weekend then it's a great opportunity to have fun with everyone else and show WS the independent, I will make it with or without you side of AmI.

And, I agree with MEDC about getting physical with your H, however that doesn't mean you can't flirt a little. Flirtation went a long way with my FWH when he was still active in the A.

I hope you go and I can't wait to hear about it.

I think you should go. I would ask WH how he feels about you bringing the kids up like you always have and all of you staying the weekend. Don't assume anything talk to him. He may be thinking that everything will be as it has always been.

And why can't you sleep with DD and DS sleep with his Dad?

This really is a tiny, old, beat-up camper. Perfect for hunting because he can haul it in and out of all kinds of muddy roads and tree groves and things pretty easily, and doesn't care if it gets banged up a little. There is one bed down low and then above that is kind of like a shelf / bunk-bed type of thing. Neither WH or I could ever fit up there.

I think I'll bring it up with WH, but talk about it like I plan on going. Then he can tell me no if he wants to, but I don't think he'd want to seem like the bad guy....

I can do dazzling .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

There are lots of opinions on SF during affairs.

I understand about the STD risks.
I also understand that this is a crucial need that is getting met by someone else right now.

I'll let Ami decide on her own. Doesn't sound like this is really an opportunity for that anyway.

Great opportunity for CUDDLING though!!

You are right... there are. But any opinion that advocates having sex with a partner that has been unfaithful is irresponsible. And although condoms may be very good at stopping the transmission of most STD's...HPV which is potentially deadly to a woman is not one of them. So, as far as the "crucial need" being met by someone else... if a WS is that hard up for sex and won't commit to one partner, his wife, then he gets to play Russian Roulette with his own life... not hers. Besides... any WS, male or female that is out screwing someone else has no right to have any SF with their spouse.

WH called me just now, just to chat. Told me about the cases they were working on, what they'd already done, what they're working on tonight. He wanted to know if DS remembered that he's off grounding today (two weeks of no video games .... DS was VERY aware of when he got off grounding), wanted to hear about the new basketball shoes we got for DS tonight. Nothing big, just chatting.

Like he used to do when he was my Real H.

He had also called me earlier, just a quick check in to find out what we're doing, see if we'd found the shoes for DS, tell me about his night so far. A very quick check-in call.

Like he used to do.

I think I'm finding that it's harder to stay "guarded" when he does things like this. Nice things, calling just to call, things that he did before all of this mess. It feels so right and warm and ...... not sure what the words are.

But I know that if I climb back on that roller coaster for the highs, then the stomach-dropping lows and loops and flips will be coming up fast. So I'm trying not to get wound up and put tons of meaning into things, and trying to just notice and appreciate it ..... just for what it is .... a nice, friendly phone call (two).

He is amazingly confusing to me.


-AmI.

U R filling a need but it is the WS' need u r filling and with that your H is being kept hostage.

L.

Hi Ami,



Hi Ami,
Dont be confused, he's cate-eating, plain and simple. You are in Plan A, so that's OK for a very limited amount of time. Be sweet and charming, and please stay guarded. Do whatever it takes, but do not think he's back until it's CHRYSTAL clear that he's permentaly dropped OW.

It's hard, you have to think "be nice (but dont get excited), be nice, (dont get excited), be nice (he's still seeing ow), be nice". You Plan Aers are a special crowd. Tremendous strength and will needed to Plan A a man with a girlfriend. Remember the long term goal and stay focused.

And I agree with the others, NO SF till 1) OW's is history and 2) STD test are complete. You want him panting for you, not to actually get you.

It'd probably help if you can get some EN's met somewhere else for a while. Most everything except SF can be met by others outside the marriage. Can you get out with a supportive friend for movie and a lunch? If you can do this, it might make you feel less vunerable to H's Jeckle/Hyde routine. Just a suggestion.

Please take care!! - Dru

I've already had the pleasure of two fun-filled rounds of STD tests (one after the first set of D-days, one after the most recent d-day). And get to enjoy it all over again in six months, just to be sure.

I'm not in ANY hurry to get to do that again. OW is the village bicycle (noodle's term, I stole it -- everyone gets a ride, nobody takes it home -- I thought about putting that phrase on billboards with her picture on them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ), so I consider myself very lucky so far, and have no desire to push that luck.


Last night, I caught DS14 sneaking out of the house. Actually, I caught him sneaking back in. He doesn't know that I know yet. I went home at lunch to talk to WH about it, and it was so nice and so comfortable. We sat on his couches and just talked about nothing, really .... come back to DS once in a while to try to decide what to do about him ..... then get off on another topic, or watch TV for a little while.

These are the times when it's hardest to stay guarded. I'm working on it, though!



LA -------

I can't find your old threads that tell your story, but wanted to hear more about your experience, especially Plan-A'ing while he was in the A. If it doesn't bring up too much ugliness or triggers for you, do you mind sharing with me a little bit? You mentioned not paying for his gas because he was driving an hour each way to see her, that he'd go off on dates at night, and I think you also mentioned that he lived in a differnt room, still in the same house for a while - do I have that right?

It sounds so familiar .... and now here you are, recovered, and full of wisdom and grace and love ..... so it gives me some hope. A place that I can get to.....

So if you don't mind my questions .... How long did you do Plan A like that? How did you manage it? How did you keep off the roller coaster? How did you get through it and still be sane?

Thanks!

-AmI.

WOW! Everything sounds so vaguely familiar around here!

Are you living in my house? LMAO

Well, under the circumstances you sound really great! You know that I'm always ROOTING for YOU! knowing how wonderful you are...smiling when I think of you...

You're doing great! Keep up the good work! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Oh, I wanted to say that I really would like to hear what you have to say on my sitch...it was you and HB that made me think that you were right in taking a step back...

Sometimes, I look at WH and just long for my H back, all the way down deep in my heart .... and sometimes, like today, I just feel so done with him, and wonder why in the world I'm still doing this. It's not anger, it's just .... not really liking him very much and not wanting to be around him. There's no real (immediate) reason for it.

I'm trying not to make decisions based on emotions, especially since they change from day to day and sometimes even minute to minute. It's been dreary and rainy and we're fighting the flu here, so I'm sure that's playing in to how I'm feeling, too.

But it's been hard not to think today that I can't imagine any kind of happy future with this man. I was thinking that I'm happier when he's not here, I even caught myself smiling about the fact that he was going in to work two hours early today. I'm getting so tired of this in-between, no-where world. I keep wondering what am I trying to hang on for?

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I think DD and I are going to go ice-skating after church while the boys are out hunting.



I don't put any stock in horoscopes, and rarely ever read them, but just happened to see them today and thought they were fitting......

Mine said "Ever since you learned that you are in control of your own destiny, it's been hard to accept certain things that transpire. For now it's ok to stop wondering "why" or even "how" and simply observe."

His said: "You make your move. It is better to risk emotionally now than to play it safe in limbo for another month."

ANd you said that you empathized with me...Oh, sweetie...LOL...aren't we two peas in a pod?

You've been reading my thread to much AmI! LMAO

I feel those same exact feeling...LOL

The horoscope thing's funny too...I'll have to go look up our's! Aries and Libra...go figure!

I'm right here with you...all the way...maybe not every day...but I'm thinking about you!

I hope that you have the best day tomorrow! LOL

AmI,

I had the link to my first posts on MB (Dec of 04) and I lost those bookmarks when my computer crashed this past June.

They are on the old board and I've forgotten how to get to them...there were only three threads, I think...and only one of mine with like five posts. I didn't post after that for several months. I did a recap on 2BNormal's thread...and have lost that link, also.

Ack. I'm sorry.

I didn't outline much of my Plan A...I was posting a lot of DJs and JustLearning and Pep called me on them.

What differs between you (and Rin and others) and my way was that I recognized how deep my part was, which didn't lead to the ambivalent feelings you are experiencing--I was Plan Aing as part of my road to redemption. You don't have that. You both have been great wives.

I was so far down into my causations, that I once said to MC, "I really want a chance to be a great wife" while I waited on DH to decide for or against the marriage. It was like ice water splashed over me, when the MC said in front of DH..."You are his wife. Act like it."

Whoa. Was a great indicator of how far afield I could go in my own fantasy world...and it shocked DH, too. That present tense.

I remember very much feeling the rush when DH would be kind, act less hostile, or we would share a laugh together. Plan A helped me to see where I fed off of him, how I responded, and took a look at where those reponses had affected me, long before DH...so I guess I made Plan A all about me.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was sorely addicted to DH...and reading Facing Love Addiction really helped me to get that. Sharing what I discovered with DH helped, too. I swear, I was just God-guided. And I read on MB voraciously from October onward...just took a long time to muster enough courage to post.

I know that MC, going weekly, made a huge difference for me. And my DH's choice to go, also, committing that huge amount of money, too, was big. Not that I valued it every day. It was a concrete act to save my marriage. Whichever way DH chose, I would have done that.

I did stop judging my days good or bad...each night I just reviewed what my part was, how I felt, what I wanted to do differently the next and went on...this was where Al-Anon saved my butt, too. No-where world sucked, big time. I had to keep pulling back my focus from him to me, him to me...and that wasn't easy. Each time I did, though, I congratulated myself, forgave and embraced my good choice, so it got easier...until it snuck back over...whistling innocently, and I found myself spiraling again.

LOL

Equal effort goes to my DH...who looked at me as I was, laid out for all I'd done...and found his part, too. Our honesty got brutal before it got radical...and we made it through by recognizing what wasn't ours, never was, and continued to reconnect after each disconnect. Was it WH or DH who made the decision? I have no idea...I know that when he announced on the night of our son's wedding that yes, he would give it two years and he'd be damned if he would make me a consideration for a long time...that he was only going to do it for the kids, for himself...and I went on MB and posted, livid, raving and whining...and I'm so glad I did...because to that point, I wasn't clear on DJs, though I had been very clear on AOs...and JL handed me myself...so I learned to let go my "Not fair!" cry because that was the closest thing to a boundary I understood. And I worked on boundaries, the Villagers exercise, and then DH came clean that it was a PA from the beginning and began going through all the lies...and it was a horrific 1/10/05...and life got better...crawlingly so...because he sat through my tears, questions and anger...he sat and faced me, all the way through...and that's what he's done since.

I chose to believe he loved me...without evidence...and the proof followed. I chose to believe I was lovable, without evidence, and the proof followed. I chose to redeem myself through being who I really was, my goal to be me with my DH, being him, all of us, side by side; and life has followed.

Where my focus was mattered greatly. But I learned a lot about myself each time it snuck away from me. And I shared what I learned.

You read me all the time talking about what I did...not mentioning whether I did it well or not (btw)...listen and repeat (didn't know I wasn't listening...wow)...taking what wasn't mine...knowing the difference between the truth and human truths...reading voraciously...and most of all, getting the acts I did (making home warm and inviting to my DH's tastes, acting not reacting, O&H drivebys) were my acts of love, not to earn, but to show myself how I loved, how great it was to do from my love, not to get his. Looked identical from the outside...totally different on the inside.

LA