Just a quick check-in, it's really a Monday here!

The weekend was nice .... FIL, BIL, and a childhood friend of WH were all up there, in addition to the 4 of us. WH was bragging on my cooking quite a bit, which was nice. While the guys were out hunting, DD and I played a lot, and DS came back early and taught me how to shoot his bow and arrow. He's growing up way too fast, thinks he's so mature!

WH was friendly, we got along fine. Both still pretty reserved and guarded, but also still having fun. Sharing the bed wasn't a problem, it was actually kind of funny since we were both trying to be comfortable squeezed in there, but also trying to be proper and careful.

My new AD's make me have CRAZY dreams that feel very real. My dreams that night were not at all proper or careful, so I kept having to wake myself up to make sure I was only dreaming. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

There was always someone around, so I didn't have a chance to talk to WH about his current arrangement with OW, or what would happen after the IA is over. He's coming down for a shower/laundry break and for DD's parent-teacher conference on Thursday, so we will be able to talk about it more then.

The cell phone service up there is really sketchy, but he's been calling us regularly. I was able to check both of his phones, and he hasn't been calling her (or her calling him, either) since he left. The dreaming thing bit me in this case, because I had some very real-feeling dreams about finding all sorts of txt's and voice mails and pictures from her on his phone. Was VERY glad to realize those were just dreams, but still had a pretty emotional reaction to them.

Overall, it was a pretty nice, fun weekend. Get to do it all over again next weekend!


-AmI.

HI, AmI...

I am truely happy to hear that you had a great weekend...

Perhaps when the rollercoaster comes to a haul you two will be able to laugh about trying to sleep in the bed together...

I also think it's a good idea that the two of you didn't get a chance to talk about the sitch...just take time to be...

I'm so sorry that you are very those dreams...I'm glad that you were about to figure out that they are just your dreams...would you be willing to say that our fears come to light in our dreams when we can't express them in reality? Would you also consider sharing your dreams with WH?

Well, I was just checking in on you...my sis you know...i sincerely hope that your Monday goes well along with the rest of the week...

Take care...you ARE doing so great! I'm still very hopeful for your M...I see alot of good things...

Taking out a totally OT post I had here about DS ..... normal teenage emotion stuff, compounded with some of the not-so-perfect aspects of his life. (Bio-mom, WH's and my sitch, etc.)

Just needed to get it all out last night, and now it's done it's job ..... it was theraputic just to write it all down. Perfect stuff for a journal, but not really anything to get advice about.

-AmI.

Hi, Good Morning!

I was concerned about the time you posted and the time that you edited it. Are you sleeping okay or was it just one of those nights? LOL

I take it that WH dealt with DS...did WH call you and let you know? The reason why I ask is it just seems to me that he's acting more and more like a family man...I see him doing a littel something here and a little something there...just my POV.

I understand about writing everything down...my sponsor asked that I journal...LOL...well, I can't bring myself to actually write but I write so much here...

Well, sis, I hope that you have a wonderful day...I will have a busy one...working this morning...co-worker's mom's funeral this afternoon, and party for L's program even though he's not here...I probably won't be home until after 8pm. Nights are always so rough, why is that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Rin!

Yeah, I'm normaly sleeping alright. Just had a long night with DS last night. No ugly behavior or anything -- he's a really good kid. Just going through those normal, emotional, hormonal teenage times.

WH is still up hunting, so he wasn't here to deal with DS, and I couldn't get ahold of him, either. I was wishing I could talk to him about it, but since he wasn't here, I wrote it all down, then decided this wasn't the place for it.


I do think this is a great way to journal sometimes!! So you're doing great! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sounds like a killer day for you. Mine is just work-busy, but not too bad after that. DS has an activity on Tuesday nights, so that's DD's and my "treat night", whenwe make sweets. We're going to make flour-less peanut butter cookies and rice-krispy treats tonight to send up to the guys at hunting camp. FIL can't eat anything with wheat, so we're trying to get creative.

Thanks for checking in on me!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-AmI.

WH came down from the mountain last night to shower and take a break and go to parent-teacher conferences today.

We talked for several hours, and it was really nice!

Talked about the situation with DS the other night. WH is going to take some time with just him and DS to go over it all this weekend after he comes back from hunting.

He volunteered the information about what contact he's had with OW ... once this week while he's been up there, and it was to ask her to have a friend of theirs get him some paperwork.

I thanked him for that, and then said that I needed to clarify a little what we'd talked about with SH, about him maintaining his realationship with her. He got very defensive and said "I have one ally in this IA, and it isn't you...."

I said that I understood what he was saying, that, just like we talked about with SH, WH felt like he had to maintain the relationship with her until the IA is over. I told him he didn't have to battle that with me, I just wanted some more clarification on what type of relationship he was maintaining with her. Was it friendship, was it romantic, what was the nature of the relationship he was maintianing. He said absolutely not romantic or intimate. Kind of missed the point a little bit and told me the last time when it was intimate. And that's also the last time he's been anywhere near her, it was the morning before my volcano act. He was still very defensive.

I thanked him, said it seemed like that was hard for him, and I appreciated him doing it anyway. I told him I didn't need those details, I just wanted to know what the nature of the relationship was between them right now. And he said it was just limited friendship.

He calls her "other" when he's talking about her.

So, I feel a little better now about the whole "stringing her along" scenario that I had in my head. That's not the case.

I'm still not at all happy about the continued contact.

We talked about how much longer the IA can last. He said that much worse cases have been settled much faster, and he didn't know why they were taking so long with this one. He said that they have 90 days to complete it, but that they'd originally told him it should be over in 4 weeks. We're at 7 weeks today. He's very frustrated with the process and getting worried about why it's taking so long.


Anyway, I am very proud of myself for being able to open my mouth and bring this up. I was scared to death to do it, but did it anyway. And it felt good, even a little empowering!


-AmI.

Good for YOU! Great JOB!

Do I understand that you made and I statement and did not ask a question?

I like this; it appears that he is trying to protect you in some way, just my POV.


LOL...I've been told several times that the opposite of fear is courage! living through your fear and turning it into courage...AWESOME! HUg yourself tight for that one!

It's an honor to be your friend and watch you grow day by day! WAY TO GO!

AmI,

Just adding my kudos and thanks to Rin's...sounds like your mouth works now, no WD-40 needed.

EEEEwwwwweee. Well, that was for you baking sweets when I'm on a diet.

ROFL

Thinking of you...thank you for sharing your muscle-building fear-holding acting-anyway stories. They are needed, appreciated and valued. Just like you are.

LA

Ami,

Good job.

More later..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Take care,
L.

Thanks. I did feel a little bit brave after we talked. I think I need to work on making it safe for him to tell me things, even when it's hard. It was interesting to see him get SO defensive, and not to take that on to myself. I didn't try to fix his feelings, didn't feel like they were my fault or I had to do anything about them .... new steps for me!

We had lunch today after parent-teacher conferences. It was nice. Very relaxed and easy and comfortable. Talked about all kinds of things. It felt like the old days.

I remembered to thank him for that. One of my SH assignments for this week.


Well, now that my "stringing her along" assumption has been busted ... I am jumping to new ones. I know, I know, I really need to learn this lesson!

Anyway, I'm starting to think that the reason the IA is taking so long is because of the election. That as big as I made this last exposure, then maybe they are afraid that when they clear him, I will be angry enough about it that I cause an even bigger stink and feed the "not the moral police" stuff to the media. Just in time for the election. And since I actually thought about doing that (quite a while ago!) .... I guess they wouldn't be too far off in assuming that I might ...?

lol ... how many assumptions is that in one paragraph? I'm even making assumptions about what assumptions THEY are making. I shoulda been a conspiracy theorist! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I wish they'd hurry up and finish it. Worst case scenario, we could be looking at six more weeks of this. Yuck.

-AmI.

Ami,
Good job. Very proud of you!
MEDC

Have you asked him what his plans with "the other" (sounds like the Lost TV show) after the IA? Can he commit to completely breaking it off, no platonic, no communication after?

During the call with SH, WH said that he knew that things would have to completely be cut off with "other". He just couldn't afford to do it during the IA.

I don't think he knows HOW to do it, and we'll have to have Steve help with that. NC letter, maybe changing cell phone numbers, etc.

I just wish we could hurry up and get to that point. I wish that I could say something to them about the IA that would help get it over with. I don't think it would do any good, though. It may even prolong it!

I don't think I can handle the ongoing contact stuff too much longer. I've been questioning a lot recently why I'm still here. Seems like weird timing for me since things now seem to be at least pointed in a little better direction .... but still having to work pretty hard to remember why I'm going through all of this.


-AmI.

I can hear LA saying "What's a hurry ever got you!" LOL


I think this is normal b/c I think that from time to time. MOF, I did it this morning! So, I guess we both need to easy up on ourselves. I agree with you completely on it's hard to remember WHY we are going throught this! LOL

Wouldn't it be nice to bash their heads in sometimes? LOL

We had some big snow storms here, and WH decided he was sick of being cold and not having any luck, so he came down and got me, and we went up and pulled down the camp last night. Waited until midnight, so the ground would be frozen since the roads were basically soup.

It probably took about 4 hours to get down since he was pulling the camper out. We were driving seperate vehicles.

And all the way down, all I could think was "why am I doing this?" I was trying desperately to get the images of them out of my head, trying to think of ANYTHING else, Telling myself to stop it and doing math problems and praying and everything else I could think of to try to stop it ..... but it just kept coming back in big waves of pain and anger and regret and a big, selfish piece of me teling me how much easier it would be to just be done. Walk away and be done.

I was trying to think about the good things that my H and I had, before. And the things that made me fall in love with him initially .... and that all just felt so counterfit.

Trying to remember that it's my choice to love ... that I make that choice because I made the commitment to. But I feel like I'm really just choosing to be stuck.

I've been trying to do the EN and LB questionnaires, and they are really, really much harder than I thought they'd be. Really make you look at things, you know? And it's been really hard for me to find any reason in those why I should still be here.

I am starting to think I was just clinging on to something that wasn't real becasue I was afraid of the alternative - being alone. I'm really not angry all that much anymore, more just disgusted and disappointed and sad.

Why is this stuff coming now, now that there's a tiny little glimmer of hope?

For the WHy, I don't know sweetie...but I can tell you this...you are not alone in that thinking...I'm right there with you...

Sometimes, I think...oh, we're doing good...and then others...why did I decided to put the D on hold...what's the point...I don't feel like I use to for him...I don't hate him, not mad at him...it's okay to be around him...

Then he speaks and I hear that same negativity about everything and for as long as I can remember and think God can I put up with this the rest of my live...I'm still working on loving detechment...

Loving detachment when he can say all the negative stuff he wants and me not wonder how I can do this...or let his stuff affect my stuff...That may be the key right now...

I don't think that you are clinging to something b/c you're afraid of being alone...I think we both may be trying to get comfortable with the fact that no matter what the future has to offer that we will be okay...

For that matter our LBs are so low I think it's only right that we question...would we question if they were full? I don't think so...I don't think that I would question it in the least...I would be so gun ho and happy, lost in my own little world...

I truely think that it's situationally right now, and living through it is the best we can do...continue to better ourselves...keep our focus on ourselves...and stay as present as we can...

Hey Ami...

I'm back from a vacation.

Your Taker is rearing her head...understandable.
Just remember that you are doing the things you are doing for a purpose. To give your marriage and your family the very best of you. To give it the best shot you can give it.

If you (at some point) choose to walk away, it won't be until you have given everything you can give to it.
Have you done that? Is that where you are now?

If not, and there is still some part of you that wants the marriage and family -- then stay strong. When you start asking yourself "why" -- the answer is to give the very best of Ami. There may come a time when you need the peace and tranquility of Plan B...until then, why? Because you have to. Its the high road. Its for your kids. Its for the love you had for him. and the most important reason? is for you! To know that you've done all you could.

To know that you could be alone and be OK, what strength!
To know that you're staying for the reasons you have, even more strength! You're a winner no matter what!

Lke Lexxy said, your taker is kicking in. Pay attention to it and let your H know that even though it sounds like he wants the M, (explain what a giver vs taker means), then tell him YOUR (AMI's) taker is hurtin' big time and NEEDS to be convinced he isn't trying to lie to you again.

WHAT??? YEP, just like the WS try to tell the BS that the BS' plan A is phony or temporary (as an excuse to continue the A), the BS can use those same kinds of words to let the Xws know they question the recovery.

I call that kind of tactic, babbling back.

What will this 2? Basically show you his real motive. If recovery is genuine, he will acknowledge his guilt, own it and give you what you need to show you he is fixing it. He will ask for your help and cooperate. He will keep his anger, let you and Steve help him with a solid recovery plan. He will help you heal. Then you can both heal and find closure.

If it isn't real.....he will get angry, stomp around, yell, cuss, try to get you t/d more of the recovery work, not care of your needs, etc.

Btw, those pictures never really go away. I had the unfortunate 'displeasure' of seeing some 'nude' pix the OW took of them having it out. No faces, just gross body parts, talk about a picture you can't get out of your head. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> You know what I did? I let her e-mail provider and the police know what she was sending over the internet and while the police couldn't do much, it was recorded and the internet providers shut down about 3 of her e-mail accounts. The big ones with most of their A history. LOL!!!

What t/d if it isn't real recoery? Hm..... plan B 1st.

He needs to help you heal. That's important.

take care,
L.

Every time I've tried to post an update here the last few days, I lose my post for stupid reasons. I'm starting to think it means something! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Have an appointment with SH today. WH actually did the EN and LB questionnaires!

He's been being really good, telling me where he is and when, checking in all the time.

We've had lots of good conversations about things that we never really talked about much before (before I came here, I couldn't understand how people actually TALKED about some things). We've talked about old issues and normal problems, and have been able to just say things instead of turning them into big conversations and events. We got into depth about money issues yesterday, where before, I would have just stuffed it and made it work and resented him for it. But this time it wasn't like that. It was really productive and good and we ended up laughing about it all. (We make enough money, we just both have very different money management styles, and it's caused problems before. Yesterday we even talked about how those frustrations and resentments had built up, for both of us.)

There have been other discussions like that. No big emotional productions or bawl fests, just decent converstion. Much more productive than ever before.

And he's moved back upstairs, which is kind of weird. It started out with me letting him sleep (just sleep!) in the bed w/ me to get warm one night (we have a heater in the bed) after we'd both fallen asleep on the couch and woke up freezing. And after that, he just stayed there. I don't mind it, but also don't get that heart-pounding, knees-weak melt-factor from it, either.

So, he's trying, I think. And we're making some progress....

And I'm supposed to be appreciative of it. But really, none of it means a thing to me because he's also still in contact with OW. So it all feels fake and hollow and meaningless. He's supposed to be telling me about whenever he talks to her, it's supposed to be a building up trust thing, proving to me that he's trustworthy. But, honestly, I don't want to hear it. It just makes me gag and brings back a whole new level of disgust and repulsion.

Great, I'll be able to trust him to tell me when he's put another knife through my gut. And I'm supposed to be thankful for that??? Gee, sweetie, thanks for being so thoughtful.

So my head is pretty mixed right now ... and I'm aggrivated about having these pull-away feelings now, when he seems to be actualy making an effort.... It just isn't the effort that I need to see (protection from OW).

Maybe this is the "guarded" that I was supposed to get to a long time ago.


I'll update more after the appointment with SH.

-AmI.

"Have an appointment with SH today. WH actually did the EN and LB questionnaires!"

OHMYGOSH.

How cool.

What you're describing in your communications is teammates again...not you against him, him against you...sharing is partnering...sounds like you're both getting a thrill from not seeing each other as an enemy, out to harm you.

And you...SPEAKING! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I'm doing a happy dance.

You are on your way to heart-pounding, knee-weak stuff...takes time...just not seeing him as the devil ('cuz he is not currently acting harmful) is a great step!

You'll get there.

Did you run out and get "Getting the love you want" yet? Like, yesterday? Rin did. LOL.

"So, he's trying, I think. And we're making some progress...." Judgment here...how about...like what you posted...this is now...just now?

"And I'm supposed to be appreciative of it."

Uhm, where does that supposed to come from?

"But really, none of it means a thing to me because he's also still in contact with OW."

Now, you're lying to me and yourself. None of it means a thing...never...always...wide expansive stuff. How about..."I am fearful this is more escalation of being duped, tricked and used." What he's not doing...taking the kids for overnights at OW's...telling you he's divorcing, hurting from all you've done to him...withdrawing...punishing...defining you. None of that means a thing?

"So it all feels fake and hollow and meaningless."

Wow. Really? How about him opening up enough of fogged eyes to see you as his friend, on his team instead of against him...fearing you're duping him into loving him anyway, so your marriage can recovery, and knowing you'll pull the rug out at any point...because that's what he would do if the roles were reversed?

He did the questionnaires.

He is choosing to do and say.

"He's supposed to be telling me about whenever he talks to her, it's supposed to be a building up trust thing, proving to me that he's trustworthy. But, honestly, I don't want to hear it."

You've put him in a doublebind...you are saying transparency is not what you want. That's okay...state that. He's not SUPPOSED to be doing that which you don't want, don't believe you can handle. Okay. Be straight with YOURSELF so you can be straight with him. "Right now and until the investigation is closed, I do not feel strong enough to separate you being transparent. From the moment the investigation is concluded, I DO want transparency, please and a NC letter."

"Great, I'll be able to trust him to tell me when he's put another knife through my gut. And I'm supposed to be thankful for that??? Gee, sweetie, thanks for being so thoughtful."

What a perception you've chosen! Adds that totally extra slice...like serrating the knife you believe he is intentionally stabbing you with, AmI. OUCH.

So, when you want him to be transparent...so you both can live in truth, not lies...and she attempts to contact him...you will feel stabbed when he says, "Here is what she did" shows you, "Here's what I did" and "I feel" "I think" statements follow. That's sharing...not stabbing. Being open and honest and protective of the marriage...alerting you to an attempted attack...which he didn't do before...is going to stab you, or document his intent and efforts for your marriage?

"So my head is pretty mixed right now ... and I'm aggrivated about having these pull-away feelings now, when he seems to be actualy making an effort...."

Find out why you're having the withdraw urge...it's about you, not him. Go back to childhood and find out your own stuff, AmI. Get this, because all the pain you have suffered, the great fear of losing the kids, your marriage that you've already gone through can be undone by you, convincing yourself he's getting off too lightly, or isn't authentic or any other judgment which you've had since you were a kid about justice.

"It just isn't the effort that I need to see (protection from OW)."

We have in our old brain wish fulfillment...feeling a lot of emotional signals from our belief "This shouldn't be so, have been so; I can be protected from everything." Not reality...definitely not your reality. You both can heal each other over time, effort and focus...and thrive. No doubt in my mind. Will not begin until all contact stops, withdrawal is through and now I'm wondering if you're willing to get there...are you? If you can have a better marriage than you imagined in your lifetime...heal all your inner wounds and thrive...would you?

Takes your focus on yourself, acknowledging as you've done here what is real and what is wishful...and living from the real, with a willingness to heal.

LA