While trying to Plan A my WW and get info about this A I find out there was another A prior. This of coarse did not come from WW. I have known about 1st A now for a few days. WW is looking for work out of the area, probably in hopes that I don't find out about 1st A. She says she loves me and OM. Says she doesn't want to move in with OM, however will not agree to NC. Planning on seeing him sometime soon (to get her clothes). I found out that 1st A she told him lots of lies and said she was going to leave me. She ended up breaking it off with 1st OM about 6 months into A. She has been with 2nd OM for a year now, unwilling to agree to NC.

I have been in Plan A for a little while, have plan B letter ready if she moves out. I love her, but how can I trust after 2 A? I wonder now if she has ever been faithful. I know these two A happened while things were not so good in M. What about when times were good? I never saw signs on 1st A. Were there others? What am I fighting for?

Loads of questions, I guess I need some help getting my head on straight.

Please Help !!!

you cannot trust her at this time

do you trust yourself ? <~~~ is the million-dollar question !



do you trust yourself to leave the marriage with your child and fight for custody if it turns out your WW is not going to turn herself around?

do you trust yourself to work through recovery from 2 affairs if WW is able to turn herself around?


any reasonable person would be wondering this if put in your position

a reasonable "wondering"


in my mind, it does not matter "good times" or "bad times" ... marriage is not a "good-times" deal ... it's a relationship where we promise to do our best no matter the circumstances

we are supposed to bring it ... "it" being our best self


not good
a practiced and comfortable liar ......


no one knows yet ...


I don't know if I would describe what you are doing as "fighting" right now ... more like standing your ground while trying to make a decision

if you are "fighting" for anything, I'd say you are fighting for the opportunity to keep your side of this weak-wobbly marriage as healthy and as recovery-worthy as humanly possible

?? for your daughter's sake ??


your head is just fine

the situation is abnormal


Pep

Davy:

Well, you're still pretty new 2 this whole thing, though I'm sure it feels pretty old by now. I noticed on your other threads that you've been having lots of arguments about honesty and privacy. I post this quote a lot on here. It's from iloveulove dot com's resources page. It may help you when dealing with your W's behavior, but it's probably useless 2 point it out 2 her, unless she asks you 2:


-ol' 2long

Davy:

Another useful quote:

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Emotional Unavailability

From “How To Recognize Emotional Unavailability And Make Healthier Relationship Choices” by Bryn Collins, M.A., L.P.

An emotionally unavailable relationship occurs whenever one partner is unable to reach out and make a heart connection with another person, while the other partner feels as is it is somehow his/her fault and thus bears the responsibility to fix it by being perfect. Such a relationship seems easy to spot-until you are in the middle of it.

An emotionally unavailable partner does not want love as much as he or she wants control. Emotions seem unsafe; control lends an illusion of safety. If you are in a relationship, you expect the relationship to grow and deepen over time; you expect a heart connection to be made and maintained, and you operate your life on the basis of this expectation.

When your partner does not make the same emotional connection, the result is trauma and pain. Often the emotionally unavailable person has no awareness his or her own contribution to the relationship’s collapse. Nevertheless, at a certain point it is essential for you to cut the entangling ties and move on.

Excerpts from one of the Emotionally Unavailable types:

James Bond: Spies & Lies

He won’t tell you where he lives. She will give you only a work number. He’s evasive about his history, friends, job and background. A year after you marry her, you find out she’s been married before. A mistress shows up. You find bills for credit cards you didn’t know you had.

Secrets and the lies that support them make it very hard to make an emotional connection. In part that’s because the secrets create a wall. In part it’s also because the secrets take a lot of energy to maintain and that energy is stolen from having a relationship with a person.

James Bonds are secret-keepers who with hold information from people with whom they are in a relationship. Sometimes this is because they believe the secrets give them power or an illusion of mystery and excitement; other times it is because the revelation of the secrets will end the relationship and they won’t get what they want-the reason for keeping secrets in the first place.

When you get into a relationship with a James Bond, you may enjoy the mystery at first. It’s kind of exciting not to know when he or she will suddenly appear to sweep you into whatever passed for his or her Aston Martin or private jet and then just as suddenly disappear again.

As the relationship moves along, however, predictability becomes more important and desirable to you, but the James Bond has no interest in being trapped by your rational expectation of continuity in the relationship.

You begin to snoop. Bond leaves you alone in the car or the apartment for a few minutes, and your fingers stray to the glove compartment or desktop. You hate yourself for what you’re doing, but you can’t stop. Bills, letters, scraps with phone numbers-a flood of information without explanation. What you’re looking for are the missing pieces of James Bond’s life that you don’t get to know. The problem is that you have no threads to weave into a fabric of truth. All you have is scraps that have no clear meaning.

Or, worse perhaps, you DO find something; a breathless love letter you didn’t write, a sexy card you didn’t send, a photo that isn’t you. Now what do you do? Now you have information and a whole new conundrum. In order to confront James Bond with the information, you have to admit you’ve been snooping. Then Bond has the perfect out: he or she can get mad at you for snooping, and never have to own up to the rest of it.

The other thing that happens is that you lose trust completely. Being in a relationship with someone you don’t trust isn’t being in a relationship at all. It begins to undermine your trust in yourself as well and that undermines your self-image, which makes you more vulnerable, which undermines your self-confidence-you can see the descending spiral here.

Meanwhile, James Bond isn’t making any changes. The secrets and lies continue, surrounded by denials and protestations of honesty or indignation that you would even suspect him or her of not being completely truthful.

James Bond has difficulty with both truth and honesty, which makes trust impossible.

The sad thing is that even if he or she changes completely, it’s still really hard to build trust because of the history. So you get more and more suspicious and less and less trusting while James continues along the self-focused path of getting his or her needs met above all else.

When the situation (we can’t really call this a relationship) finally blows up-and these relationships almost invariably blow up rather than fade away-your ability to trust anyone blows right with it. The next person who comes into your life will be under the microscope, and that is a very uncomfortable spot for anyone. The new potential partner often departs to avoid being distrusted at every turn.

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-ol' 2long

WW says she is moving out of the area for a "fresh start". I think no matter what, she will go. I can't imagine her leaving me and my son behind, but I think that is exactly what she plans on doing. I am making my Plan B and have talked with a lawyer. I had hope this wouldn't happen, but I think it will not matter what I do. She may see the error of her ways down the road, but who knows. I am not sure if I want to have her back or not. She says she will be moving out soon to a place here in town until she finds a job out of the area. Don't know the use of even trying. I love her and want to fix this, but I can't do it alone.

Please advise

Keep a diary of your days

include all the stuff you do with your child

take your child yourself to medical/dental appointments

make appointments to speak with the child's teachers & express your concerns about "marriage crisis at home" possibly affecting the child's emotional stability

do as many things with/for your child as possible

document your activities

if WW takes off for a weekend, document her absence & the times she calls to speak with the child

etc

contact a family law attorney
get references from friends/relatives

find out the proceedure in your state that best protects you

be armed with knowledge & forethought & a paper-trail of good history as a Dad

Pep