I posted in one of my prior posts at least some of this story. I had been carpooling last season with a married man - just the 2 of us - about 45 min each way once a week. that we had in the last couple trips started talking some about our marriages. Not really detailed but enough that he knew dh and I were having problems, and was telling me stuff him and his wife (married 20 years) had gone through but that trended into talking with me about some current stress in his marraige as well.

A gradual slide to the more personal - started out just talking weather, music. To the point of marriage stuff, life history's, him saying how he thinks we could really get along (multiple times). Some of this even still when I was posting here and working really hard to justify it because "nothing had happened"/"we're just friends"

So summer break is over - no contact at all with this person over the summer either way. I did miss talking with him but it scared me how much I actually missed talking to this person. I definately missed the compliments on my hair and stuff, attentive listening/asking how my week went and so on. That was the point that I realized even assuming it was totally innocent on his part - that communting alone when married, with a married man once a week for over half an hour each way was over the line of appropriateness.

It was inappropriate even though it was not secret. My dh was fine with it and encouraged it because he says he wanted me to have friends. This man's family knew, he had even had walked his ds up to me at the concert and introduced me as his "carpool buddy". But still it wasn't appropriate.

So until today I had been planing to just go back anyway and just not carpool - just drive myself to rehearsals but hadn't figured out how to explain that to this person if it came up again. He's the one who asked me about carpooling in the first place (and we actually don't live near each other - we were meeting up at a park n ride type place that required me getting off the freeway to meet up with him and carpool from there - not from our houses).

I got the e-mail yesterday from the director saying rehearsals for the season are starting up again. I e-mailed back today that I wouldn't be coming back as I'm going back to college part -time, (which IS a huge factor) but I was going to try to play anyway - until I realized that mostly I wanted to go back because I missed talking to my friend every week and reading here has made me realize that is a slippery slope and it's better to just not go back to playing in that group.

Especially when dh and I don't have much time together as it is between my 2 evenings at night classes and his work schedule. So leaving that one extra night open for me - means that we might have more change to spend time together at least some (I can say we are a LONG way from the 15 hours undivided attention still - but me being totally gone a 3 nights week instead of 2 and him working late at least 2 nights a week plus 5 very young children wasn't going to help that).


So I've quit. done. Not seeing this person again, not going to find out how his summer went, what his kids are up to. Not going to be driving alone, late at night after rehearsal having personal conversations with a married man. nope and what's more to not even put myself in the position of trying to explain NOT carpooling anymore/talking at breaks and so on - just done.

So thanks to reading on this board - I have made what I'm convinced is the right decision and possibly saved a lot of pain for a lot of people. (assuming this person was or would have been emotionally invested at some point - I dunno and won't ever find out - could just be my love bank being so low from my issue's wtih dh that I'm more vulnerable to ANY attention - no matter how innocent). But thank you - all of you. I don't post a lot - but I've read here a lot - and it's made a difference in the choices that I'm making. So I felt like I should share and talk this out somewhere that people would understand and affirm that this was the right thing to do.

As for my dh and I are still in MC and working so hard on our marriage and we are doing so much better. There have not been any physical incidents at all, I'm cautiously hopeful on that front - but if anything happens again - we will have to separate - so we still have a long way to go. But we are getting there and have a good therapist who is helping us both a lot with out issues.

mamacheryl,
You have made a good decision! I wish my WW had put this kind of thought into her choices... she, like you started out in an innocent "friendship" and slowly slipped into an EA and then a PA... and now she is rethinking everything about our life! You saved a lot of grief and heartache by nipping this one in the bud! Cheers!
Heartsore

Bravo, MamaCheryl...

Excellent boundary keeping and awareness. You stepped into reality and stayed there. How terrific!

HS is right...you saved yourself more grief and heartache, honored your marriage and your DH...all in one choice.

And you did it for you...lovingly, I believe.

Time to strut! Jump up and clap like Christmas...

Very inspiring to me.

LA

Mamacheryl,

I would like to echo the "Bravo!"

You were self aware and did the right thing!. An old cliche' about an ounce of prevention is appropriate here.

Many people (i.e. my ww) would RUN to the attention, RUN down the slippery slope and to ****** with the pain it causes. She's now deep in an EA/PA, and I presume will hit rock bottom sometime in the next 18 months.

You avoided hurting a lot of people. Congrats.

HL

Thanks guys- I needed someone to tell me it was the right thing to do again because my dh simply says he doesn't see what the big deal is. But I know in my heart - that this was the right thing to do.

listen... very loud applause...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes, you should be proud of yourself for....protecting yourself and those you love from a lot of suffering and heartache!

Considering the way he has been treating you...
When I read some of your other posts..
I think it was a very big deal.
Good luck to you, I think you deserve better.

MC,

Even bigger kudos on sharing with your H your thoughts, feelings and beliefs...and letting go his response...it's his...not about you.

You know you rock...and that you can do that for The Marriage, protect your boundaries, even if you don't feel like doing it for the guy you're married to...

Truly spectacular...know that...Give yourself the kudos, too.

LA

Validation coming your way. You made the right decision. You know that you did. It just helps to know that others are behind you.

ANY pain that currently exists in you Marriage would have been increased by 20 fold if you had not respected your boundaries and slipped down that slippery slope.

You made a very wise and mature decision. Your marriage has a much better chance at healing and recovery from those problems your are currently dealing with, rather than adding a WMD...(weapon of marriage destruction, an affair) to the mix.

You should be VERY proud of yourself!

Best wishes,
SD