My son was 5 at d/d. Now he is 11. Tonight when we were running around doing an errand for H, we were discussing stupid things people do, then my son said.....

Son: Mom, I don't know how you can love a person, marry them and then divorce them. I don't get it.

Me: Yea, I don't get it either but that is what happens. Sometimes people get married for the right reasons, then do stupid things and get divorced. Others get married for the wrong reasons then get divorced. See how important it is to make sure you get married for the right reasons to the right person and NOT do stupid things?

Son: Yea..... Mom, did you and dad almost D more than once?

Me: Yes.

Son: Why?

Me: Because someone did something stupid.

Son: Oh... I didn't know it was more than once. I remember when dad threw this laptop and it broke. Later you told dad that the OW smelled like poop. (small laugh).

Me: (smile).... yes I remember that. You still remember that too?

Son: Yea....

Me: Well, breaking one's computer and hanging around stinky people isn't smart, is it?

Son: No.

Me: I agree. Make sure you don't do stupid thinks like that, ok?

Son: Ok.

The discussion turned to other things. As a mom, I have to be prepared for his periodic questions.....because he may never forget some of those incidents but I can help him learn from them and move forward.

Just thought I'd share.

take care,
L.

"OW smelled like poop"

[b]BWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

It is a shame that children hold on to these things.. but it does teach them a lesson.

My son floored me with some of the questions he would ask me from when he was exposed to certain "acts" when his mom was at the height of her "relationship." It's funny that even when he was questioning me about things... he knew instictively how wrong her behavior was. To this day, his respect for her has not returned.

He remembers too. But he also remembers how his dad fought to put a fractured family back together. He learned that lesson from me. But I worry that he also learned to tolerate too much before finally pulling the plug on a cancerous relationship. One of the things that finally made me wake up and smell the coffee was my IC telling me that my son is watching me and learning... and did I really want to tech him that it was okay to be repeatedly abused by the ones you love. I decided no it wasn't... funny, my son had beat me to that punch!

So, yes, they remember....

My then 10 yo was the one that asked the most difficult questions.

Per my IC ex & I presented a united front when telling the boys we were Ding. Though it was ex who wanted out & me who would have done whatever was needed to stay together. It's my belief ex had affair (now living with same gf)though he denied it.

One night as 10 yo was upset & unable to sleep we sat on his bed to talk about the family situation. He asked why I wanted to D dad, why I asked him to move out, would he return. Later he would ask if I thought dad had the gf before we told then about Ding. Absolutely broke my heart. We cried together many nights.

The truth comes out either through observed behavior, putting two & two together, both & discussions like you have with your son. Kids know what's going on.

kids aren't stupid

kids can work with painful truths if necessary ...

kids usually "tell it like it is" ... which is ~shocking~ to the ears of foggy infidels

"smells like poop" still making me ~~~> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep

Interesting post and I don't want to tj but it is along these lines.

My OS who is now 11 was 8 when his mom had the A.

Since the A my OS and my relationship has been strained. My FWW involved them in some of her dates and the OM was living under the same roof as a tenant. My FWW and my aunt got into a physical altercation because of the A that both of my children witnessed. During the altercation my OS said I do not want another daddy and mom is not being fair to dad.

During MC last week I brought this up and FWW believes the problems are because of the fights we have had post A and of course he is going to take her side.

Any way the question is has your FWS or WS A negatively impacted your relationship with your children.

I am truly upset that my relationship is strained because right, wrong or indifferent he is taking his mom's side.

The biggest problem is the disrespect my OS has shown me since the A. Prior to the A he respected me but now I don't know.

If it the A did negatively impact your relationship to with the kids how did you deal with it.

The MC asked the FWW if she thought the OS new and she said maybe not about the SF but yes he knew. That's when she interjected my OS took her side in the subsequent fall out.

I agree with Pep that our kids are not stupid. We must treat them respectfully and honestly. My son also told me when he was 6: "mom, you know children do NOT like to be lied to." I asked him if that was his opinion or was he speaking for all children. He said he and other children have talked and that is what he knew from himself and them.

Now back to your question about negative impact..... yes it does have a negative impact but that is where you forming them as part of your support group is important. They are hurt to see you hurt and angry. That anger may ricohet back to you and you must deal with it. He maybe protective of his mom for his fear of losing her. Turn that around and let him help her come home.

It will take time and you need to be patient. The WS has done great damage to your family and that should NOT be minimimzed. In time his anger will turn to her once he realized where the betrayal really resides.

It may take years. Be a good parent. Show your children that you are approachable and love them. Have 1 on 1 and heart to heart discussions with them about anything. At his age, there are other relationships he is also learning about and as he heads towards his teen years.....girls....yes girls c/b in a big subject.

JMHO,
L.

Hi Orchid,


Yeap....what's done is done....and kids do not 'forget'......the best we can do is learn from it!

I will EXPECT my boys to ask some hard questions...sooner or later...and honesty is the only way to go with them...

And since this is your thread, Orchid.... let me tell you how much I appreciate reading your posts on other threads... you are a lighthouse... and continue to be one for all of us and appreciate the time you take to continue to support and give advice to many of us here!

((((((((((((((ORCHID))))))))))))

.....living it up in the big 'blue'......

My dear Luna,

Everytime I see your poster name, it calms me down. Not sure why. I know moon was my 1st word (so my mom tells me) and when I see 'luna' that's what I think of. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Funny correlation, eh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yes, as parents we have to be prepared. Our children really test our parenting skills. All that clear mind, calm heart stuff really helps.

I know we all help where and when we can. Appreciation makes it all worthwhile. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz to you and your family.

Aloha,
L.

Orchid,

Thanks for sharing that. My son will be five by the time my wife and I get divorced. Every night as I lay in bed I wonder what I can do to lessen the impact of this on him. He loves his mother very much, and in most ways she is a very good mom. Trying to explain to my son why mommy and daddy are going to live in different places is going to be very difficult for me. Not seeing him for days at a time is going to be tough too.

Mkeverydaycnt,

I think about that, too. Once or twice a day my WS tosses out a disrespectful remark or act directed toward me. Usually it is not so much what is said but the way it is said. I am hoping that most of this goes over my son's head.

I am trying to avoid arguments so that my son doesn't come to believe that angry outbursts and disrespectful acts are a normal part of the relationship between mommies and daddies.

I am happy knowing that my son is so young that he might not remember the yelling matches... he won't remember seeing his daddy cry by the front door, or seeing mommy drive off, never to come back.

That is one comforting thing. Though I know he will ask why he doesn't have his mommy around. I won't lie to him. I will keep a picture of her.. the only one.. only for him. I will tell him who is real mommy is, and I will tell him that we just had problems and couldn't stay together. When he's older and can understand, I'll be more specific.

I hope he can respect me. I wanted so badly to give him his complete, original family for his whole life... something I never had.

So now the question is how do I get the respect back?

I am really trying everything. We had another episode yesterday. I was calm cool and collected.

Background is that he was in a friends apartment and his friend took out his airsoft gun. It is like a BB gun except it shoots like rubber pellets.

I asked my son to come in so I could tell him I didn't want him in his friends apartment when the airsoft gun is out.

Right into disrespect on his part. Talking over me etc. He actually said "let me freaking".

I am spending time with him. I always ask him about his day. I take interest in his life. I play with him.

But his disrespect is really getting to me. It seems like the A is a gift that keeps on giving.

I am so sad about our relationship now. We had such a good relationship before the A. Now we are damaged. I love my son and I want him back.

Get u and your child into some serious counseling. This is the 10 year old? How is the younger one doing?

L.

That`s cracking me up too because I figure your son did a little bit of eleven year old editing.

That`s not exactly what you said is it?

Orchid,

Could you post a link to your story?

Thanks.

My son was 6 at the time and he did hear me tell his dad the OW smelled like poop. No exaggeration. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Hiker,

I have been posting here since Jan 2001. My story is over hundreds of threads. Not all in one place. Sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

What would you like to know?

L.

You used the word "poop"?

Wow... you have alot of self control. That`s not the word I would have used. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Did she really smell like that? EWWWWWWWWWW......

I need to change that he is 11 now. We are talking about counseling.

The YS is great. I think he was too young to know what was going on.

Plus he attached to me very early on. So he is my buddy.
He is more attached to me then to mom.

I think you are right. Thanks orch

My son did go to counseling...and yet every once in a while...more remembrances occur.

Two days ago, before baseball practice, my ds says "mommy at daddy's house I found the photos from Orlando when I was little"...I looked at them, but couldn't remember YOU on the trip...Were YOU there mommy? Were you the one taking the pictures? I thought a tall lady took them. Was that HER?

I told my ds, who was four at the time, that mommy was NOT on the disney trip. That yes, it was that lady. And that the reason that lady was not in the pictures was because she knew she did something wrong. My son said "I know mom". He firmly knows...but little stuff all round him off and on sometimes pops up and sadly now, he sees that his dad is not the hero daddy he used to believe he was.

It's so sad that a child sees their parent do this stuff...and that a kid even needs to have to go to a counselor because their dad or mom was so selfish to do these actions and help either destroy or almost destroy a family.

Kids are blessings plain and simple. We gotta try to protect them. And if you are able as Orchid was, to think thru these tough times, apply good principles and get a plan for recovery...you and the little ones just might make it through..or if you're like me and you still think thru the tough time, get a plan, and realize that recovery just isn't gonna happen, you and the little ones still just might make it through also...

Please protect your kids...