It was 2 years ago this week that my H left on a long business trip to Singapore. Somewhere in transit, he was abducted by the mothership. Seven weeks later, in early November, he came home a cheating husband. Actually, I don't think he ever came home.
I knew something was wrong while he was gone. Instinctively, I did a long distance Plan A. I didn't even know about plans or MB at that time. When he returned from his trip, I found out about the affair he was having with a co-worker almost immediately. I talked to a counselor and a lawyer, then I confronted him.
From Thanksgiving 2004 until now, I do not know how I would have survived without Marriage Builders. When my world was going CRAZY, this was and is a place of logic and sanity. I learned that all infidels walk the same walk, talk the same talk. I learned about plans. I could vent. I was comforted through a lot of long nights. I've had my butt kicked here many times.
I don't remember much about that time. I know I burned a lot of meals, killed a lot of houseplants and lost just about anything that came into my hands. For example, I lost my ATM card somewhere between the machine and my car. Just how spacy to you have to be to have that happen?
In the end, not much has made any difference. I believe CH withdrew from me, our family and the life we made, long ago. We're on a divorce path now. However, I know that I've done my best to save our marriage. I've done the plans. I've counseled with Steve Harley. I feel resigned? accepting? finished?
There are a few things I would have done differently. I wouldn't have Plan A-ed for as long as I did. I believe now that Steve Harley is correct when he says to do a short and sweet Plan A and then hit them hard with Plan B.
I wished I gone into Plan B whole lot sooner. At the time, it seemed difficult with kids' and their activities. (Can you say, High School Senior?)
I wished I'd hit him with legal separation papers early in the process. Financially, I'd probably be in the same spot I am now but the legal stuff would have scared the heck out of CH.
I wished I'd exposed more at his work.
I wished my inlaws weren't such spineless conflict avoiders. My MIL was "afraid" of losing her son's love. Baloney! CH moved out a week before Christmas. The inlaws refused to come to our traditional Christmas dinner at my house unless CH was there. They said they'd feel awkward. Under pressure and against my gut instinct, I allowed everybody included CH to dinner.
I wished the inlaws had said "Sonny boy, you screwed up so accept the consequences. We support your wife and children. Go eat with slimeball OW." If we'd had a big family dinner with CH on the outside, it would have been very effective.
Last Christmas, I refused to have dinner if CH was there. The inlaws ate with their son. The kids and I had dinner with my family. This was the point I knew my inlaws had joined the Dark Side.
I'm glad I told the kids about their father's affair when I did. (Although, Finals week wasn't a good time for DS#1.) Each of our kids was given age appropriate information. I think that strengthened our relationship.
I'm glad I told my kids' teachers what was going on.
I'm glad I've let CH find his own relationship with his children. I have not rescued him.
I'm glad that as a long time SAHM, I didn't need to take a job until a year ago. I couldn't have handled it when I was so out of it.
I would not be as strong as I am now without MB. So many thanks to Mimi, Pep, Melodylane and ark^^...even lemonman, my brother in fruit. There's too many others to name but all helpful. I didn't always do everything right but I tried. I have that peace of mind. One person cannot make a marriage. I'm not sure CH was truly committed. Once he crossed the line, he was gone.
I need MB a lot less now. It breaks my heart to see so many people going through the same thing. I still stop by but less frequently.
Thanks everybody. I'm not a sleep-deprived, tear-sodden wretch anymore. MB has given me the tools to be stronger. I may not have my marriage now but I have a better ME!
