My WH and I have been married for 6.5 years and together for 7.5. We have a 5 year old daughter. Shortly after our DD was born, we began to argue, put each other down, give cold shoulders, etc. I eventually started withholding sex as some sick way of "punishing" him. I never thought it was my fault, and continually said, "well if you were nicer to me..." We moved from another state to MIL house to start new careers 5 months ago. Being apart from family also was a factor.
About 2 months ago, WH was driving (I was not there) and he backed into a OW car. They exchanged info, and he told me about it later. Said she flirted with him and I chuckled. Very soon, he began to argue and pick more fights with me than ever. About 3 weeks after that accident, he told me I should move in with my own parents. I was shocked. I started to suspect, so I went through cell phone bill, and internet history. Sure enough, I found info and confronted him. He admitted quite quickly that he and OW has gotten together a few times and said he hated me, our M is over, etc.. When his sister and mother heard us, I told them what he did and he was in that fog telling them he was unhappy for the last 5 years, we always argued and NEVER had good times. He was trying to get them to understand. I immediately told him I was willing to become a better person and never hurt him with my words again if he would just try to work on our marriage and cease communication with OW. After hours of talking, he agreed but angrily. He said since he was to try, I was not aloud to snoop. I said I believed in him. Of course, not 4 days later, I caught him on the phone. I mistakenly said I could not be the consolation prize and wait out his affair. But the next day he said he would try again for our daughter. The next 10 days were fine. I did all the things I was supposed to. Provide a caring and safe environment, not bring up any issues, be a loving and sexually attentive wife. I did check internet history and cell phone calls too. Yesterday he came home from a military day (which worried me b/c he had access to a lan line phone that I could not look up). For the first time in 2 weeks, he said "I just don't look at you the same way. We are not going to make it, and I don't want to try." Obviously he spoke to her. I said, "you promised everyone you would try counseling, and try to work together, but you gave it all away. I know you talked to her, tell me what was said before I call her." He then admitted that he called her but that she was cold to him and said she was busy then hung up. He tried calling again but no answer. Hmmm... I know she may be upset that he didn't call her in 2 weeks. Anyway, I told him again that I lived up to my word of providing a loving and caring home for him and all I asked was he cease talking with her and be open with me. He said he can't sacrifice his happiness. I said he was willing to give up a home with his wife and daughter for a woman he knew for about 3 weeks.. Of course I know he is in the withdrawal phase. This morning he said that he will try for his daughter if I want him to. I said I want you to WANT to try. He then left for military again.
HELP! What do I do now? I have scoured through this site and believe in Dr. Harley's work, but I cannot wait for months while WH figures out his feelings for her. I am willing to be patient and loving in every way as long as he ceases communication with her and attends counseling.. Please tell what not to do wrong at this point. Thank-you.

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New questions:

1) If I catch WH in a lie, maybe just a white lie, not about OW or A, should I immediately address it and how?

2) Is there a time when I can share this site with him? Before I found MB, I told him he can be honest about his feelings for her and I would be hurt - but it will help me understand our situation correctly. He stated he doesn't know why he can't stop thinking about her. Even though it was a short period of time, I told him he developed romantic feelings of love b/c she fulfilled EN that I wasn't. I tried to explain withdrawal, but he thought it was silly and avoids the topic. How can I get him to understand his anger, his blame to me, depression, etc is normal for now?

3) I scheduled MC tomorrow.. Is it too soon. Maybe I can go see MC first and make sure he is pro-M, and pro-MB ideals. But I don't think WH can wait much longer for MC before he tries to win back OW (who may be avoiding him due to me not giving up).

Please is you all have a minute, please help!

BTW, OW is a divorced single mom with 2 sons from 2 different dads. Attractive and apparently makes my WH laugh. He said that he loves cracking jokes with her. I don't blame her, since he is the one who initiated the relationship (I read his emails) and he lied to her about our status. (WH said our M was over and I was about to move out!) She doesn't call his phone and doesn't seem to email him (I check).

what makes this comment a mistake?

what part of this statement is UNtrue?

Pep

Hi there! I said mistakenly b/c I am to avoid those "love busters" correct? Am I supposed to provide a loving environment free from demands or subtle threats? Or was it okay to say so. That's exactly what I feel. If he chooses to leave the home and pursue her, I won't be able to recover from that at this point. But then again, I used to be like so many who said they couldn't recover from an affair period.. hmm.. help!

Mari 123,
I'm so sorry that these circumstances have brought you here. This is a troubling time in a marriage.. but remember over 50% of marriages deal with affairs and most of them reconcile.... Please call the OW right away and tell her that you are not moving out, that you love your husband, always have and have every intention of making your marriage work, it isn't over! Ask her to kindly take flying leap off a short pier....
In the meantime, start Plan A with your WH...
good luck.... this is a heart-wrenching time in a person's life, but if you follow the steps and advice given here you your marriage will have a chance!
Heartsore

Thank-you Heartsore22! Well, I busted WH again today. I called him at military and stated, let me know right know if you emailed or talked to her today (after he said this morning he would try to work on us). I told him I will call her now and find out. He admitted he did IM her asking if any of his relatives approached her and is that why she is mad at him. He said she replied no. He said that he typed that she must not want to talk to him and she had no reply. I am extremely grateful (if this is true) that the OW has the common sense to push him away for now. She is a single mom and has enuf on her plate I suppose than to deal with a man and his family baggage. So I told him, "after you looked in your mother's eyes and swore you would cut off contact with OW, you still did." MIL is so loving to me and DD. I told MIL 2 weeks ago I can no longer trust him and she said if I couldn't believe in him then believe in her b/c he swore. Hmmmph! These affairs stir feelings so strong you can lie to the woman who gave life to you! And he has an amazing mother who gave birth to 11 kids and would die for any of them. She is truly the mother of all mothers. I didn't tell her he lied.
I then asked, so what are you going to do? He replied that OW doesn't want to seem to want anything to do with him anymore. I told him out of anger that he has nothing to offer her right now. He is only working military drill, living in his mother's house with his wife and daughter and she knows she needs a lot more due to her kids. He got mad and said well if it ain't her, it'll probably be another. WOW! I asked if he was going to live up to his word and go to counseling and cease all communication w/OW. He quietly said "yes." At this point, I really don't care if its b/c she doesn't want him right now, or what. I just want to get help. Is that the right attitude or am I short changing myself??

So I emailed OW and I let me WH know I did. I wasn't rude. I just let her know I know he contacted her and if she did brush him off, to please keep ignoring him. I said I am not giving up or walking away from my M. I said that he promised to me, his DD, and his family to work on our M. I haven't spoken to her since DDay. Basically, I wanted to let her know I wasn't giving up.

Maybe that will distance her more from this drama. She is a single parent who probably wants more than what my WH can give. At least I found out after only 3 weeks from when they first met, before even more emotion was invested between them.

After reading emails etc, I learned WH is the one who initiated everything. He misled her to believe I was leaving, M was over. She doesn't call or email (that I know of) once she learned I found out.

The hard part now is that my WH used to be my hero, best friend, etc. He is now a person I don't know and hurtful. I hope this is not the real him..