I want complete transparency. I'm not going to lie. I want to know EVERYTHING! D is having a really tough time with that one. He doesn't want to live under a microscope. I can understand. I wouldn't want to live my life that way, either. There has to be a middle ground.

I need ideas on how to approach this and what a good compromise would be. I'll admit to snooping and reading his mail. My justification was that if I didn't find things out for myself, he would hide it. D can be very irresponsible, get himself into situations and I would be none the wiser if I didn't find out on my own. Another concern is that he has mail sent to a separate address. Some things come here and some things go to his mother's home. I believe that all his mail should come here. This is his home. There's nothing he should have to hide from me. My life is an open book. I hide nothing from him. Then there's accountability. D wants to be free to come and go without "checking in" all the time. It rubs him the wrong way. Again, I can understand that.

Any thoughts, from both sides of the coin?

OB1--

It's funny that your husband should use the phrase "living under a microscope".

It's the same phrase my wife uses about my "snooping" and need to know her account passwords and what she's doing.

I guess I understand what they're trying to say regarding the whole process of monitoring, but obviously they forget that their actions are the reason that the monitoring is necessary in the first place.

I explained to my wife that I never see a time in my life that I won't want her to give me free and unfettered access to her accounts (voice mail / email / etc). That took her back a step, but I told her that if she has nothing to hide, then she shouldn't mind.

Of course she doesn't see it that way and claims it will build resentment. Pretty funny that she's all of a sudden worried about resentment.

Keep doing what makes you comfortable in regard to monitoring. Of course, it should be a two-way street. If he gives you all his passwords, you must give him yours. I'm sure that's not an issue, but sometimes we can forget to do this.

Does your husband's mother know about her son's affair? If she does, then I suggest you and your husband agree to have her give YOU all the mail for him that comes to her house. You will pass it on to him. If his mother knows, then you might have a heart-to-heart with her (if your relationship allows) about how much you want the marriage to work and need her help and support. She may be willing to help review the incoming mail.

Best of luck.

He has had his fun dance and now it is time to pay the piper.

All mail to your house, total transparency - people with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

You are not under a microscope becauase you don't consider honesty in marriage that way. He does.

No such thing as snoopiong in a marriage - if you can share your bodies in the mosat intimate way with God's blessing, why not email and phone calls.

Keep on looking and be discreet about it. He is resisting telling you the truth - so there may be more he is hiding. Expect him to be mad, he is in the fog and still trying to keep you out of his fantasy life.

It is not anything to do with you - his misery and anger is at his door, it is all about him and his lies. You just happen be the light that illuminates it in his consciousness and he doesn't like knowing he is a faithless jerk.

Linda