My H came over today. We had reached a point where I had asked him yesterday if there was a chance for our marriage to work. I had been implementing Plan A, with some success. But he always kept a distance between us. I found out today when he very directly said, "I thought when we got married, that you were the woman I could spend my life with. While I am not trying to hurt you, I can think of no other way to tell you that I do not see you in my life in the future". While he says he doesn't know if the OW will be in his life, he definitely knows that it will not be me. I was crushed. I have no hope beyond my kids, but it is not the same. Please give me some hope, friends.

Dear Kate31,<P>I know how you feel. My husband today told me he wanted to be married, just not to me.... Great!!! (I'm beginning to feel the same way but who else would I be married to????)<P>But for you, it's okay to cry, but what he is saying is not unusual during plan A. If your plan A is making progress, then don't listen to what he says, instead look at the progress. He doesn't have a clue.<P>Keep up the good work, and ignore what he says. <P>M4B

You ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have hope! ALWAYS!!<P>Did you hear the story about the McCloud's?? I brought it up on someone else's thread, but it bears repeating (sorry in advance to anyone who read it already and has to wade through it again ) Gavin McCloud was on Mary Tyler Moore (Murray) and The Love Boat (Capt. Stubing) and his head swelled with the stardom. He left his W, fooled around, divorced her. His longsuffering wife began a prayer vigal for him. She also BELIEVED he would come home. She had a Bible imprinted with his name, had his slippers by the bed, and began to say things like "when Gavin comes home". You know what? HE CAME HOME and they are remarried legally and in God's sight. They have a show on the Christian TV station TBN (Staying the Course, thinks that's the name) and they have a book with the same name. You NEVER know what God can do. I say keep on crying, because it will cleanse you, and begin praying if you are a spiritual person. <P>THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE. It is never over, until it is over. And if the McClouds are any indication, it still may not be over even then <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

kate if I reply softly no one will notice I am here there all mad at me because well you know(DUM DEAF AND OTHERPOSTER??)<P>I AM SO SORRY FOR YOU PERHAPS THIS IS BEST WHY LIVE NOT KNOWING WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR MARRIAGE AT THIS POINT YOU KNOW WHATS GOING ON<P>AGAIN to all who was helpful i thank and i thank you kate and wish you many years of happyness and joy and things will be better for both of us<BR>carols22

Carols22 - I think I understand why you want to sneak in a comment on Kate's thread. Kate is safe. <P>I am safe too, okay? I am going to email you, I think I understand your situation far too well, unfortunately - mine is similar. I can't say anymore.<P>Will write.<P>I am STILL PRAYING FOR YOU.... You bring tears to my eyes, because I know you need all the friends you can get right now. It is such a scarey and hard time. I just want to wipe your tears and give you a hug, and let you know that things will be okay, but I dont really know that they will be okay. And that is why I want to cry for you.<P>Carol, keep giving yourself the guts to post here. If you want, I will respond to your threads, and if you can't stand the pain of some posters - then scroll right on down to a name that you can trust.<P>God Bless You.<P>Mrs. Mush 4 Brains.<P>***<BR>Kate31, I hope you didn't mind me using your thread in this way. M4B

Hi Kate,<BR> I think you are hearing "typical affair talk".....don't believe it. Get Private Lies by Frank Pittman and read it ...he says the betrayer almost always tries eventually to come back, even Steve H. told me that when I did counseling with him. The problem is sometimes the betrayed doesn't want them back....especially after time has passed. As was said above , even a divorce doesn't mean they won't try to come back.....hang in there, it's awful but alot of us have been through this....Lu

4 weeks ago my H said he wanted a divorce, he can't live with me, he would move out (again) Oct. 1. I stayed in Plan A and just plain poured love on him. He's still here. He's still shaky and my story isn't the greatest one of hope, but I go along with Lu, stick with your GOAL of marriage and don't take everything your H says to heart, especially if it changes from day to day...<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Kate,<P>I know my fairly direct style isn't very helpful to you right now, you are going through a very emotional time. I was there once and I heard every single line you are hearing now. It feels awful. There were points I can remember where I really didn't feel like I had any self esteem left at all. It's hard when your emotions are running amuck like that to make sense of the things people say.<P>What's worse, the icing on the cake if you will, is that for some reason our formers view this time of emotional distress as a perfect opportunity to say the most hurtful things they can think of. I believe it's partly because they know we are to taken aback to possibly respond aggressively. We just sit there and take everything they say, and try not to comment and to be nice. It's also partly because, as some famous guy said, "it is human nature to hate those we hurt." I think the order he put those is important. Your husband is saying mean things to you because he has to somehow justify the way he has treated you. Emotions always follow actions. Emotions are not capable of proactive action. They only react. Your husband is reacting by finding ways to make you responsible so he can avoid the obvious guilt and self disgust that would normally accompany this sort of behavior.<P>It's hard to see clearly right now and separate what he is saying from reality. Been there. It takes a little while. The best thing you can do, and I know this is hard to see, but the best thing you can do is to stop talking to him until this phase passes. Two things are happening. First, he is emotionally abusing you and he can't stop. He has to feel the way he does in order to salvage any self respect. Second, he is burning a lot of bridges, even with you. If he says things like "I want to be married, just not to you" (my ex said the exact same thing, funny huh?), how is he going to take that back? How are you ever going to forget it? Best if you move to plan B now and stop talking to him. He will start to make more sense eventually, but he has a whole ton of issues that have nothing to do with you that he needs to sort out first.<BR>

Hi Nonplused,<BR> I like your posts, kind of strong sometimes but you say what alot of us are thinking! Anyway, what's your story, did your W leave , sounds to me like you have moved on , have you? Hope I don't sound too nosy , it's just that everyone's experience helps me to get some perspective.....Lu

Thanks Lu. Sometimes I feel my posts are a little strong as well. I have my moods. I fire them off anyway to see if anybody notices.<P>I don't mind sharing my story. I don't find it intrusive at all. That's what we are all here for.<P>I do feel a little funny about plugging up Kate's tread, so I'll fill out my profile and you can click the little sun glasses.<BR>