Well, sort of...

I already know the answer but I think I've made the wrong decision, that is I've told my friends we'll be there.

On Saturday night my H and I have been invited to a reunion party of my old workmates (friends only) from my old job. He knows all the people very well and none of them are OM related.

However, most of them knew about the A as it was happening. None of them enabled (they unanimously tried to penetrate my fog) but they enabled by omission ie they didn't tell my H.

My H is not keen to go. He feels uncomfortable around them. I've told him that it doesn't matter, we won't go but then he feels awful for making me miss out on seeing old friends. I'm really asking if this would make most BS's extremely uncomfortable.

Well, having written that out I can see without a doubt that I tell my friends that they can party without us. I don't want to make my H uncomfortable and I will stress to him that it's more important for him to be comfortable than for me to have one night out. I do know I will feel a bit of resentment though (not major resentment).

OK, let me have it.

For me, always go with the first instinct. WW has a friend here. Friend knew about the A. I don't believe she enabled it but she was a bit neutral on it. If WW ever comes back, she will be sans that friend. If I were Rob, I would say a flat no and not feel sorry for making you miss the party. What is more important? A few hours of "fun" or weeks of misery and reliving past history for Rob? You may think it is dumb for him to feel that way - but they are his feelings. He has a right to them doesn't he?

I don't blame him at all for not wanting to go, because I wouldn't consider those people friends to your marriage - or to you, for that matter. I think you did the right thing in offering not to go and would just leave it that. Rob has been through so much already, I think passing this up would be a good will gesture that shows that his feelings matter to you.

Yes, that's just what I thought too. I mean I agree completely.

Writing it out helped me see it better and the confirmation that this is a "biggie" for Rob even though it doesn't seem that big was helpful. Also, Mel, you are right it shows where my heart is by a real action.

Thank you guys.

Tell Rob his friend from Texas said "HOWDY!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Will do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I wanted to add that we live in a small community. As a BS, it really embarrasses me to be around WW's friends who "knew". It makes me feel really inadequate. It makes me feel they are thinking what loser I am such that WW needed to have an A. Generally I can accept that the A was not my fault. But when I am around those friends, it really makes me feel low. I think there might be more than just anger at "enabling" friends. JMO. Maybe "enabling" is not the right word. Is "nondisabling" a word? I just feel like those friends know more about my M than me. It is a serious loss of intimacy for me. That is probably the emotion I feel.

I agree Jen. Good decision. And tell Rob his Aussie friend says hello as well.

Will do BigK.

Yes, Pio, that's it. It's not so much the enabling as the feeling that they're making remarks behind his back. "Poor schmuck" kind of remarks.

I don't know why I even considered going. Make it a big step forward for me that I thought about it and am finally learning not to make selfish decisions.

No. What is really bothering Rob is that he would be wondering "do they think I am wearing the 'faded red' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> shorts?".

KiwiJ,

I am not responding to your POJA question exactly. Just some thoughts in general. I can understand his reluctance to go to such a party although it seems they did not really enable the affair but did neglect to tell him. But, it seems to me that he should be pretty darned proud of what he has done and how your marriage seems to working now. He had a big role in that.

Now let me ask you something, did you want to go partly to show him off and let people know that you two are very much married?

I am not stirring the pot because I think your response to his reluctance is right. No one should go to a party if they don't want to unless there is a very compelling reason such as job/politics, which this is not.

What I was wondering is if Rob sees himself like we do and you do? He is a strong man to have come through all of this.

Just thoughts. I let you get back to your poll.

God Bless,

JL

KJ - I'd go one further - since these "friends" enabled your continuation of fantasy - and you worry about feeling resentful for not going this week...

A little resentment prevention...

You hold Rob's heart in your hands - it's bruised and battered. And this weekend, you throw yourself into giving him some healing time - love him, treat him tenderly - do something special that creates a new memory to hold onto. If you are busy taking the initiative on this there's no room for resentment to take root.

I think you should seize the opportunity to go out and have your own special time. Cinema/meal?

I don't think your A should be used as an excuse NOT to socialise though. I know many men prefer to be couch potatoes and sit home in front of the TV. Hopefully, you have some mutual friends who he is comfortable with.

Generally, I believe women are more accepting of their husband's friends than vice versa. Take care. TT

I had this situation. It kept me awake for nights, trying to work out how I could desensitize myself.

Then I asked Dr. Bill, he said my husband should not only never consider going, but that he should drop those friends and have NC. We should move if it was the only way not to run into them.

He said their silence supported the A. and I should not be exposed to their company - ever.

Linda

You will do good Jen - you have been through the mill and know which way is up.

Exactly. These people are no friends to your marriage and certainly no friend to Rob. It isn't a matter of "healing" but of hanging with ppl who really aren't friends at all, but accomplices. A "healed" person would recognize this.

Hi Jen - congrats on recognizing the right decision. I'll be looking forward to your answers to JL's questions.

Trying to place myself in Rob's position, I might have reacted differently. I mention this just as a reminder that not all BSs nor WSs may react similarly.

Not being one to shy away from potential conflict (who knew? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ) , I might have attended the social event with a truly recovered FWS just to ask these "friends" why they didn't tell me what was going on. "Didn't you think at the time that it was important that I knew?" I'd put them on the spot just to make a point and to see their reactions - especially since they lobbied you to end it. After the "confrontation" with them, I'd offer to get them a drink from the bar to further the point. At least they did a better job than many examples of "friends" we hear about here. For those that didn't lobby you, no drink but maybe more questions.

JMHO

WAT

Hi Jen!

Like the rest and yourself I say no don't go.

Yes I do understand fully how the work friends may have felt in thinking "what do I do?" - I have a similar problem -
I know enough now to tell the spouse regardless & would do so, but back in the old days I have to say I probably would have acted much the same. There is a reluctance to become involved.

However, that said I would not ever want Aussie to be placed in the position just as you don't want Rob placed in that position.

What about the both of you going out on a lovely romantic dinner, candle light, good music, all that gushy stuff ??
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> It would make a wonderful new memory!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

meanwhile I'll do wall cladding <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ... again ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thanks everyone for your replies.

To answer JL.

"But, it seems to me that he should be pretty darned proud of what he has done and how your marriage seems to working now. He had a big role in that."

Yes, he's very proud. I spoke to him again last night about the party and he said I'd asked him about it when he'd just woken from a nap (I'd called him at home from work). He said he doesn't have a problem with going at all.

"Now let me ask you something, did you want to go partly to show him off and let people know that you two are very much married?"

Well, to be honest not really. Everyone knows we are together and everyone is very pleased we are still very much married. They love both of us. I certainly didn't want to go alone and the only reason for that is that I don't go anywhere alone any more (my choice - not because I feel I have to) and it just wouldn't even have been a considered option. Either we go together or we don't go.

"No one should go to a party if they don't want to unless there is a very compelling reason such as job/politics, which this is not."

This will be our first social outing in about 6 months. LOL for the past 32 years if I hadn't put my foot down about going out sometimes, we never would have. I say that affectionately about my DH.

"He is a strong man to have come through all of this."

He is, and I made the mistake of (yet again) assuming what he was thinking without actually asking him.

Mel, these are good people. Just before Rob found out they had got together as a group and were planning to tell him at one of our friend's 40th birthday party (where we all were). When crunch time came at the party they decided it wasn't the appropriate place. Believe me, if things had kept going as they were and if Rob hadn't found out on his own, they would have said something.

One of my dear friends said to me during the A "you obviously don't mind being a skanky ho. Have you even considered you may lose everything - your H and your children." My other dear friend said "if you could see one of us doing what you're doing what would you tell us. You'd tell us not to be so %$@# stupid." It all just went in one ear and out the other.

Well, sheesh! Why didn't ya say so? I feel much better about them now. That is exactly what a REAL FRIEND would have done. Does Rob know they were going to tell him? Because what this means is that they do very much care about you and him if they were willing to tell him about your badass. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yes he does know they were going to tell him. Like I say, they're good people.