I have plans to meet with the other woman this week, and I'm wondering what are other people's thoughts. Is it a good idea?

I previously went with my husband to tell the woman it was over (about 5 weeks ago) and things have been working well, as far as Plan A goes.

I'm sort of curious about her thoughts and sort of sorry for her and think it may be therapeutic for both of us. Also, I know that when I went to meet the woman the first time a lot of truth came out from my husband.

I'm also wanting to tell this woman how well everything is going between my husband and me, so that she moves on. She was pretty upset that I made him not contact her and hopefully this could give her a sounding board and some closure without having to try to contact him again.

Am I just setting myself up for more pain?

I kind of hope that I can see she is no real threat - from what I saw before, this is the case. If I'd never have met her (I did meet her years ago though), I may have thought she was some perfect person, when I know she is far from ideal, particularly for my husband.

Thoughts from those wiser and more experienced? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hi Nads,

I don't think this is a good idea.

I had a few talks with OW myself, because in my case OW also was my best friend (or so I thought, at least) for +15 years and I needed closure with her.
And since my WH wasn't telling me anything (except lies) unless I found out myself, I wanted to get some info from her.
What I got from her was at times so weird that I felt she was on drugs on something - I didn't know about fog at that time and was quite amazed.
But I knew OW for a long time and I could tell when she was "weird" and when not.
It will be harder for you to discern when OW in your case is saying foggy things and when she's on to reality.

Are you prepared for hurtful things?
Things that will make you doubt if you're the "best choice" for your WH ?
Of course you are the best choice..
But fog can work in amazing ways, and OW has concocted some kind of "truth" that enabled her to do things that were plain WRONG.
Part of that "truth" is making you, the BW, into something less than adequate - so OW can think she's so wonderful because she can give your WH what you can't.

Part of that is based on the warped truth she got from your WH, because he also needed to convince himself he had the "right" to do this because of... blahblah.. fog.
So it might "look" real.
And hurtful to you, while you're probably struggling with low self-esteem.

Do you hope that you talking to her will inspire her to have some guilt about what she's done and stay away?
Obviously she didn't care about you before, since she didn't mind having an A with a MM with two children.
So why would she be "impressed" when you say how well everything is between my H and you?
She'll probably think - yeah right, of course you'd say that, but it isn't true, because your H told her differently.

What is it you hope to accomplish?
That OW leaves your H alone?
Then you should not be Mrs Nice BW.
Or she'll just feel you're a push over.
I would suggest you ignore the he11 out of her.
DON'T BE MRS NICE BW.

I agree with brownhair.

I met (one in person and other two via phone) with the OM in my wife's affairs. I met with the first because he would not stop contacting my wife regardless of who I told and had to confront him directly. The other two phone calls were at their initiation (or their wives' initiation).

They were very short and frank statements of my desire for them to leave me, my wife and our family alone. Any "details" I needed, I got from their wives.

Unless you know her true motivation, I suggest caution. She may be trying to plant more seeds of distrust between you and your husband. If she was upset about the "no contact" it may mean she's not really over your husband and may try to put a wedge between the two of you hoping your husband will contact her directly to find out what she said.

What if she tells you something that conflicts with something your husband told you? Who do you believe? What real motivation does she have to tell you the truth?

Unless she's still in contact with your husband or refuses to leave your family alone, I think the risk vs. gain balance is more on the risk side.

You've already met her, have formed an opinion of her and don't probably need to focus on anything more she has to say.

Just my $.02.

Blessings

The obsessive/curious part of me understands the need to know.

However, please remember two things.

1. NC is something that you can show by example.
2. This is the last resource where you can expect to learn anything beneficial for your marrage.

U R trying to fix what you have no control over and if the OW is still an OW, she will hurt you.

Why take that risk?

Be safe and pray that OW isn't stupid enough to try again.

L.

If OM's W had contacted me the A would have been over immediately. It was by treating her as a shadowy figure that I could continue with the A. BTW I knew her quite well when we were teenagers.

If OM's W had contacted me after the A (which I hoped she would) I would never have gone near her H again (instead of renewing brief contact with him 3 years later).

Nads,

IMHO, I recommend against this. First of all, you will only get her version of the truth. She will plant doubts where none exist now.

I never met OW in person after d-day, but I had met her more than a decade earlier when she and my FWH were college classmates. I think the situation is different for each of us, but in my case OW was divorced and looking for a replacement meal ticket and father for her kids. When I spoke to her, she was still hoping for a life with FWH even tho he had ended the affair prior to d-day.

She actually tried to convince me that I should send him packing in her direction "for his own good." We talked several times over about a 3 week period during which she clearly chose to believe that I was somehow keeping FWH with me against his will. Both OW and FWH were liars. The difference was that OW would have said anything to me she thought would lead to the end of my marriage while FWH kept on lying out of fear that the truth would have the same result.

I finally realized that there was nothing to be gained by continued contact between she and I and so I instituted a NC of my own.

NC does really mean that neither the FWS nor the BS should have contact with OP if the marriage is going to recover.

Who

Thats totally up to you. All depends on what your looking for. I myself met OW to get more truth because all I got was lies from my WH. She told some and still is covering up some to make her look good which I know, but all in all I got what I needed to know. And Im sure in time I will get another call from her telling me more. But I will tell you it really does no good you probaly now enough.

nads,

I talked to OW, and it was a mixed bag.

I ended up feeling hurt about some things, better about other things.

I felt sorry for her, because she really is a lost person who has no idea what love is about. She has screwed up her life more than she can ever know - and I think she's too unintelligent to even realize it.

I got some truth, some lies. I could tell which was which. She wasn't a very good liar - and she tried to protect me from the more hurtful things. In a way, that was sweet of her, and showed she at least had some guilt in what she does in her lifestyle.

If it's what you think you need, I guess you have to do it. I know I had to. I can't explain why. I wouldn't have rested unless I did. Just be sure that you know what you want to ask, and know in your heart that the truth may not be there when you get there.

SB

OW lie

all of them

without exception

whatever you do ... do NOT tell her SQUAT about your marriage ... it's none if her bleeping business

take that into consideration

Pep

PS ... get her out of your mind ASAP

if you keep OW alive in your head
you can't go about your tasks of recovery

Pep

The OW needs to move on -- and going back and revisiting the scene of the crime will not help HER. It will revive all her feelings, all her pain, and possibly pull her back into your orbit, which is the last thing you need.

The people who caused the pain of the breakup -- you and WS -- will not be the people to heal the pain.

She will need to get "closure" elsewhere.

OW in my case ended up contacting ME. Actually, the A had started back up again at a lower level and I wanted to meet with her to remind her that I wasn't a shadowy figure without feelings. She knew this -- we were "friends" -- but I felt that she needed reminding, and I was somewhat happy that she showed up at my work. She actually had the gall to pretty much ask me to "help" her end it with him -- Like she wanted me to be her confidante. Sorry, too painful. I told her I felt for her but that she'd have to find another friend to talk to. She did tell me near the end of the conversation that it had been good for her -- motivating her towards NC -- to talk to me. But in the end it didn't help. Exposure (limited) was what finally worked.

I think contact with you will just keep him in her mind. She really needs to forget about all of you -- and you just remind her of him. My advice is like many others -- it's probably not a good idea, but if you decide to do it, do it very carefully.

Good luck

Dulce

Thank you for your advice everyone. I really appreciate it!

Even though I was 100% wanting to talk with her, I've now changed my mind and will leave well enough alone. I never thought about it that NC meant me too!

It was very helpful for me to meet her initially when we went to tell her it was over. That was very satisfying and it ensured it was done properly and it sent her the right message.

But any more contact would just be for me rubbing it in or for her to follow her own agenda. Best not done at all. And even if it was a satisfying discussion it would mean me thinking about her and what was said for a long time. And if I talked with her my husband would be interested in what she said too - not good!!!

Thank you, I'm going to message her now, then delete contact on my phone and later delete contact on my husband's phone (I told him not to delete it earlier so he would see her name come up and reject her calls if she rang - she only rang once anyway).

I can't thank this website enough. We would not have known how to restart if not for Marriage Builders!! Everything is working out extremely well at last for us.

think of OW like a hornets nest

don't go poking around with a stick

get rid of it

and then take care of your stings without risk of more stings

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />