Its been awhile since I have posted here. My wife left me in March because she was so unhappy after 10 yrs of marriage and 2 kids. I found out there was an affair happening.
Its been almost 7 months and I felt really good about my life after going through a 10 week divorce recovery class. I had some set backs and some feel sorry for myself moments but it hasn't been like that for almost 2 months until this past week.
I have to see her 3-4 times a week to exchange the children and football practice and games for the oldest child. I have had several conversations with her and we communicated very well. One problem...I miss her terribly, I started the whole crying throughout the day and I know I still love her deeply...I would take her back in a heartbeat.
Do I feel this way because the divorce isn't final yet? Should I give up and focus only on myself and my children? I pray everyday for God to direct my heart but it seems like I still can't live without her.

When she came by and picked up the kids last night she looked like something was wrong so I asked her if everything was alright. She started to cry and I told her to just talk to me she hesitated at first but began to weep and tell me how stressed out she was and how she just wants the divorce to be final. She talked to me for about a half hr until I ended the conversation and told her that I wanted to meet with her later this week to talk. She wanted to just keep talking right then I told her that I wanted to talk to her without the kids present. She agreed and left.
I am so confused...why would she cry in front of me after all this time and claim its because she just wants the divorce final? I feel like there was more to her emotions that she didn't tell me, I could tell. If she is done with me and no longer wants to be with me than why use me as a shoulder to cry on???
Should I give up and focus only on myself and my children? I pray everyday for God to direct my heart but it seems like I still can't live without her. Should I just let go???

I could really use some advice here today...I am having another emotional day. Please help.

Hi,


Yes this is very difficult for you and I feel your pain. The answer to your question is "YOU". Focus on you not her. Only you can fix you, she has to fix herself. Your needs and your kids needs are paramount.

I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to her, but you have a limited supply of mental energy and I think its best spent on you and the kiddos. I don't believe any good will come of trying to make her feel better about what she did/is
doing/is about to do to you.

I prolonged my ordeal by not letting guilt run its course. I would comfort the WW, the WW would feel better, WW didn't need to stop what she was doing as long as she had me to lean on. I stopped "enabling" her to continue the affair guilt free.

Think about that..

my 2 cents
Bobby

I understand exactly what your are saying. But the underlying question is do I quit trying to hold out hope for my family being back together? Or just forget it. She hasn't leaned on me like this in almost 6 months and it really confused me...do you think she may be regreting her decision?

You can always hope, but don't let hope override your other priorities, don't wear your heart on your sleeve. Let her do the walking, if she wants to come back let her take the steps, let her initiate a commitment to stop the D and work on M.

Mixed signals, they are so annoying aren't they?

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Yes she probably does regret the decision but don't start trying to engage her, ( I know you want to "fix" things, and most of us men are like that) don't coerce her, she needs to come to the conclusion her life is better with you in it as a H without you pushing and prodding her to find out where you stand. It annoys them and give them some satisfaction. I didn't see any mention of Plan A because its probably in another thread, do you/did you have a PLAN A?

I did plan A for about 4 months and began Plan B shortly after she moved out. The last few months she always puts on a show of "I'm happy" when I know she is just putting up a front. I have never said anything about it but I have been with her for 12 years and I know her well.
My fear of not reacting to her latest outburst or mixed signal is that she may feel there is no hope because she is to far gone and has burned to many bridges. She has a major PRIDE hurdle to cross but my feeling is that she will not jump it.
I have done alot of me and my kids as #1 priority and I even went to a 10 week divorce recover group and am currently involved with a weekly small group of people who are going through divorce as well.
I've never been a quitter and have always fought for what is most important to me. But I guess based on your advice I should let her do the fighting????

But I guess based on your advice I should let her do the fighting???? [/quote]

thats what plan B is right?


If you give her a shoulder to cry on your meeting some of her needs.

I know it sounds cold-blooded and that is not my intent believe me, stick to your guns, stand firm and remember you as a person should not attach thier self worth to the opinion of a WS.

Keep my posted and your in my prayers

Thanks I appreciate your support

Did you send her a Plan B letter? That is very important. That spells out what she needs to do to save her marriage. I think it is always important to let them know you still have hope, but refuse to be involved in a threesome.

Also, Plan B depends on you being very dark, and her getting her needs met through the OM. It often takes many months to sink in.

Believer has a very good point, the Plan B letter is a integral part of plan B. I just assumed you did this, because you stated that you started plan B, but you never mentioned the letter.

Thank God believer brought that up!

Thanks
bobby

Yes I sent a plan B letter back in May and have remained business like in my communication with her and only responded or talked about things that involve the children.