Post deleted by EeyoreLost

Your H should quit his job. Period. Some contact is no good. No contact is good. What is more important - your marriage or the job?

Your H needs to go over his boss's head.

He needs to go to the manager, district manager, whatever. He should explain the entire situation truthfully, and explain exactly what he's asking for, and why.

It COULD put his job at risk...it could also very possibly result in a transfer.

If that doesn't work...then he needs to take ACTIVE, IMMEDIATE measures to get a new job, right now.

EyeoreLost, please check out my responses on the following threads (just click on the links):

Recovery when NC not possible?

Dangers of just a little contact

Thank you all for the replies. I agree 100% that he MUST have ZERO contact. Not even just a co-worker type convo can happen. He says he doesn't even say anything to her.. but imo, SHE is getting feedback just being near him and that is too much.

He is fighting his manager regarding this. He gave her a resonable timeline to honor his request. The pudding is getting thicker at this point.. because the OW called him today to ask why he doesn't want to work with her. He told her that it's because we ended our fling and there is nothing but stress coming from the situation and it has to stop. Funny thing is.. the boss was the ONLY person that knew about his request.. well besides me. Just how did the OW know about this conversation with the boss? HMMM... somethin smells fishy.

So he told his boss/manager to act on his request within 2 schedules or he will quit.. but he is planning on waiting til that timeframe is over and going to the DM imediatly pending the schedule posting. We will see how that goes.

In the meantime. Tonight he's working with the OW again. 5 hours of them in the store. Bugs the ****** out of me. But our situation really sucks without him working. He makes 75% of the bill money. Without it, we loose everything. Between 3 kids and several bills.. we cannot let him loose his job. Which pounds the stress in further.

Makes me want to scream. I've gotten to the point that I'm ready to kick this girls butt just to let it sink in.. but I won't get myself in trouble over this. I did nothing wrong. I've since been told that anytime I have a question or fear to PLEASE go ahead and call or pop in the store. I love that he wants me to forgive and trust him so much he's willing to give up total freedom. Shows something right there.

Will keep you posted....

THX again...

Well, the plot thickens. A new schedule has been posted. Today he is with her for 5 hours... and Thursday he is with her for 3-4. WH states he's verbally going to management because this strickly goes against his polite request to not be scheduled with her. Our guess is that Boss lady is doing this on purpose to be a b****. Bottom of schedules had a note "This schedule is final, any issues please see me".

Also, we're suspecting fishy buisness between boss/lower management and OW because info is coming back in WHs face less then 24 hours as discussed with boss. WH is going to upper management tomorrow afternoon to make things happen.

***PRAYS***

Aren't there "laws" to protect others in this kind of situation. He's going to end up having to leave a decent paying job with tons of potential because of this. His mistake.. yes.. but seriously. Breech of confidentiality is one big one here so far I know.. but how about trying to enforce one side of a rule only when convienient for boss? (ex: He can work in other store that I work at when it's good for them,2-3 days per week, but it's not allowed when it's requested)

Well I am no expert on US law (or any law for that matter) but I don't see too many rays of hope in that realm. The boss's attitude is a bit odd and it makes me wonder if she herself doesn't have some history with infidelity. Regardless, your H does not have to leave his job. He only has to leave his job if he wants to have a marriage with you. I can't see how he is going to be able to make this somebody else's problem. This just further goes to prove the saying "don't dip your pen in the company ink well".

Rules are made to be broken - just like marriage vows. The company may well decide it is better for WH to work with BW rather than OW. Breech of Confidentiality will be difficult to prove (i.e. paper trial) and I think you would also have to prove malice. If not, you come to a draw and then WH is faced with living under the shadow of wicked witch boss.

You ideal situation is that the company decides that WH is a victim and they fire evil witch boss (EWB) and OW and promote your H. Well I did say ideal didn't I? It could happen. My feeling is that it is difficult to fight City Hall (i.e. personnel policy). What does the HR policy say about infidelity in the work place?

I'm not very sure what policy says on infidelity in the work place as of yet.. but will investigate that further. From my witnessing thus far.. it seems that "policy" can be bent when it's convienient for THEM. Hence WH allowed to work in my store 2 times scheduled this week. 1 time last week. But it's not allowed for him to add just 3 more days (total of 5) on a total oposite shift as me. Double standards to their convienience. We'd never work the same times, and never even cross paths in the workplace. There are SEVERAL facts that have happened outside of this situation of ours that totally support this conclusion. Other problems the store has that have proved that things are going wrong but as long as it works for them, they make things work. Another reason we suspect they wont grant his transfer, it would inconvienience the EWB to not have WH in the store. She also is a HUGE FAN of drama, and with him gone, the drama is lessoned.

The plot thickens, of course how it always does. I went to do a little plan A with WH within the last 90 minutes of his shift. I entered the building (gas station), purchased something, politly smiled at OW, (WAS NOT RUDE AT ALL) and decided to be sweet and bring WH some supper. I asked what he wanted, and went to get taco bell. A total of a 20 minute drive. I returned with his food, purchased a beverage, and sat with him in the area designated for paying customers to eat/drink for a bit. I was there no longer then 10 mintes with him when he gets a call from EWB (Love this term, ty) angry at him. She states she "knows" I've been there for an hour, shes in the lot and wants me to leave imediatly. Firstly, I was there a GRAND TOTAL in the building for 25 minutes.. IF THAT. Secondly she was nowhere in site in the lot. Aparently EW was uncomforatble with me being there, and called to tattle. (No comment).

I left when asked to, and sat waiting for him outside since he would be off work within 30-45 minutes. He came out 10 minutes later, stating his boss called back and with no explanation or argument says "GO HOME" and hung up on him.

So, I was a paying customer twice, was made to leave the premisis, was totally respectful for the atmosphere totally disregarding my understandable discomfort. I sayed neutral towards OW, and even said "see ya" as I left. His boss hasn't called him yet, and he isn't due to be in again until Thursday, so I'm curious if there will be retaliation against him for this. I didn't do it to cause probs.. I was just being nice. It makes me very uncomfortable to even be in that store, let alone when OW is there.

Any takes on the new updates??

Why not consult an attorney in your state, EL?

That management is determining that WH can work with OW and not his wife seems to be absolutely convoluted to me.

Do a call out to MrWondering...he's a great lawyer.

Why did he not write a no-contact letter to her?

And when his boss DJ'd him about this request coming from you and you should get over it, how about WH stating that this is his desire and that he's asking because he wants to save his marriage and stop being an adulterer? That all contact continues the affair?

You're in a tough position, EL...not of your doing...you still have all your choices, your power...do not engage OW...have your numbers changed so she does not have them...and if she calls, file harassment charges at your local police station. No contact means your H hangs up on her, doesn't say a word to her...doesn't answer questions.

Clear boundaries. Go higher up the corporate ladder, as suggested. You can do this. Your WH can do this.

LA

TY LA! I saw both your post here and in my WH's thread. I will see the higher up manager tomorrow at work. I agree 101% with your question. How is it ok for WH to work with the OW but not with me. Both were relationships. I'm affraid if I push that button too hard, upper management would feel that it's too much to deal with and let one or both of us go. It's a risk I can take on my end, but he cannot be given that right now. WH lost a very good job nearly 2 years ago. It's been an uphill battle ever since. I had 2 jobs at one time, and left a good scheduled job to get a good paying job, then lost that. Now that we're BOTH working things will get better financially, but right now their not even close. Utilities are just about fed up with us, so working his job is a MUST to keep food and warmth for my children. One of those life sacrifices we learn about.

My kids' safety in their home is more important to me then my discomfort with the situation. I know is he trying to make things happen, but I do not think he is doing all he can. I think he's affraid to make a big stink for fear or reliving his last unemployment stint.

It's easy for me to say what I would do in his shoes.. but I'm not in his shoes.. so I cannot know those actions with 100% accuracy. But I would have went off on the evil boss lady. Or at least stood up for my spouse. The disrepect that she gave him about me would have infuriated me if it were reversed. I know my WH well enough to know he DOES stand up for me, and he has.. but with his boss, he backed down. That shows me he is affraid of making me work for everything again. It was very hard on me, and he knows I've been through ****** already, why give me more.

See, this is such a strange thing for me to swallow. He hurt me deeper then anyone else could. But I still hold high respect for him, because I know who he really is and I have a 15 year past to reflect back to me how he really is. I'm "fogged" by that in a sense. I cannot harbor any anger towards him due to our extreme closeness and history. It confuses the heck out of me. I'm still very much hurt and raw from it all, but you wouldn't know it from the outside looking in, as we're now closer then ever.. and only 1 week after. I love this new restored closeness, and unfortunatly I only have the OW to thank for that. That makes me SO ANGRY!

Feelings and thoughts during all this have been so complicated. I never thought I could be so confused by my own feelings, or hurt so deeply. Most of what I've thought or felt so far have been so unknown that I can't even explain it. I'm assuming it's supposed to be that way.

Another fun fulled update from me... I spoke with the Market Manager in our company about the whole sh'bang. I was a nervous wreck, let me tell you! I explained the A and WH, the OW, the problems with his boss. I admitted to him that I am in a relationship with my WH, which was supposed to be kept hush hush because of "policy" of relatives/housemates working in the same store. I unloaded everything that was pertaining to the general situation at hand and regarding his want to transfer. The guy was very nice about it all. Explained to me why certain things are done and everything. I also told him that if the only problem with him moving to my store is me, and there is no other store for him, that I'd gladly step down and that my job is 2nd, our relationship and comfort for the situation is first and foremost.I understand sacrifices should be made in this situation.. and I was totally understood. He said he's not making any decisions until he hears from all parties involved, so tomorrow the market manager, his imeadiate boss, OW and WH is scheduled for a meeting @ 10a.

I'm a bit worried about the situation because WH has explained that he's fed up with all the craziness and that he's going to tell them move me or I walk. My best guess, tomorrow.. one of us will be out of a job. I'd rather it be me.

On another portion of this, it's been addressed to me that I need to find out where *I* play into the A. I honestly do not know for certain. WH and I talked about things in the begining of all this aftermath, and he said most of it is reasons unknown to him. He doesn't know what led him to the A. I do realize that A's happen because something is lacking in the relationship. The only thing he can put his finger on is lack of comunication. We DO comunicate, but it aparently was not enough for him to get the fact that he felt "disconected" from me. He did mention it, but we never talked more about it.

So.. if thats what was requested of me.. thats all I got from it. He said he knows that isn't the only thing that lead to it, but cannot put his finger on what he got from her that wasn't from me exactly. The only thing she can hope to get from her was a child, because I am no longer able to have children... but that wasn't in his mind.

Any comments/questions/concerns welcomed.

(Note: WH has been changed to WF "wandering finace" to better respect the feelings of wed partners here.)

We have some final news in the situation with WF and work. Well, I'm hoping it's final news. It seems that our market manager accepted my voiced sacrifice. He will allow WH to move to my store, and my last day at work is tomorrow. I am not resentful in this really, disapointed yes.. but not resentful. He has a good thing with this company and he can continue to keep his job and our relationship can be safe from OW once again. A letter of No contact is being written and sent in today. She will no longer have any reason to call my fiance even for "work related" things. The market manager is hand delivering it for him. WF was scheduled to work this evening with OW and it can no longer happen. No-one for certain said he is not to work tonight, but it is assumed and will be figured out for sure by 2 this afternoon.

It is ironic that the "outline" of the situation goes from him having an A with a co-worker to me loosing my job... but for the record it was a sacrifice I decided to make for the sake of our relationship. I brought it to the managers attention to choose him over me, because of the money he made and the little amount I provided.

I'm tied between using my energies wisely to find a new job ASAP or use all my energy in plan A'ing.. but I'm sure the upcoming holidays and birthdays in the house will keep my me motivated to use my energy on both simutaniously.

In other news....

For those of you following the "EWB" (evil witch boss) side of this. It's been noted by other workers that there is slander going on between both stores AND to people not even employed from EWB about me and WF. People have gone to management reporting this on our behalf. The slander is based on info on our private documents, and not from this current situation soley. It's getting investigated as we speak. Thank God I kept my mouth shut! It looks a heck of a lot better if that didn't w/b/c (whine bi*** complain) about her now that it's found she is talking stuff about me.

Thank you for reading all this mumbo jumbo and being there to be ears when I really needed them. This will keep getting better from here, I can feel it!

No contact letter is being written tonight! This is monumental to me, because it proves to me whether or not he was using work as an excuse. His cell phone that she had the number to is now out of minutes. The market manager met with the EWB, and OW. I didn't try to pry for info but shortly after the manager returned to the store while I was there today, WF had a text message. (no she doesn't get the hint aparently) I was so proud to read on the messages back and forth. Until the very end.. which imo is the last hurdle I have to jump that involves people outside of me and him.. at least with this.

Transcript from texts:
OW: Hey
WF: NO CONTACT.
OW: I know, except for the reason we talked about.
WF: WTFA? (what the F*** about?) BTW last text here, no more minutes and wont buy more for you!
OW: The possibility of me being pregnant, but I'll just message you on myspace about that.

Yes folks.. she's playing "THAT" card. I've been keeping track of timeframes. If an email passes here and there, I'll get to see it.. BUT if one passes AFTER the first of Oct someones getting kicked. Ok.. I can't really go and kick anyone, that wouldn't be mature. But If she isn't pregnant she has zero reasons to text, email, myspace, or call. Something tells me that she will play this card as long as humanly possible. I'll tell you one thing. I'm demanding pregnancy test results, DNA test results etc all depending on the situation.

Just when I think it's almost over I get more. Such is life I guess.. I'm being as patient as possible. Not LBing, using Plan A. I made a serious choice/sacrifice for him to prove I'm willing to work hard if he is. I told WF that it was a easy choice to make. I'm trying to see it as a trust investment. I gave a little to, hopefully recieve some intrest. I know it's not all going to be perfect, but I'm willing to show him that I am serious about us.

LBing is hard to avoid I've noticed. We talk about alot ever since. We are doing the total open honesty trek, and the truth CAN hurt. I'm choosing my words wisely as to not create any accusations, or un-needed "nagging". I do expect answers to some big things on my mind, but I try to "test the temperature" before I ask them.

Tonight is an "us" night. Neither of us work and we're spending some couple time together. Making supper together, and doing some type of recreational activity that I'm letting him choose. I'd prefer a movie.. we will see what he wants. I just want him to see I'm happy of the choices he's made since the A and giving lots of deposits in the LB.

**SIDE NOTE TO MBs**
I know some of the past drama on my situation and here has created some ill feelings towards me, but I am glad I'm still around here.. even if I just type to myself it's good relief. I again, promise to keep my mind open and my defenses down if someone would like to comment or advise in any way.

Thanks for listening.