I was just curious as to what kind of families some of the betrayers in the forum come from. My husband grew up in a family where divorce, alcoholism, and abuse were all factors. I on the other hand grew up in a family where my parents have been married almost 30 years, went to church, no alcohol even in the house. He betrayed, I have not, and haven't even considered it. Not even after his affair. So how about it? Is this a factor in how he views marriage?

My parents are upper middle class, still married, both of my grandparents were married for their entire lives to the same person. My maternal grandfather was a player, and an alcoholic, but stopped both in his forties. He was not physically abusive. <P>I don't think we can catagorize these kinds of things. If that were possible, those with really bad histories would not bother getting married!! Hmmmm...... <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

My parents have been married for 36 years. My grandparents lived to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. In my first marriage, my H cheated on me with over 20 women. I didn't divorce him, he divorced me. I'd always considered myself a "till-death-do-us-part" person, but I cheated on my second husband. I can count on one hand the number of divorces in my entire extended family (cousins, second cousins, aunts, uncles, you name it). On the other hand, every one of my H's brothers and sisters have gotten a divorce (after I married him). Best of my knowledge he didn't cheat on me. At least in my case, we defy categorization.

Oops, I just realized this question was for betrayers. But I think it is interesting to look at family history of both spouses. Both H and I have parents with long term marriages - mine 55 years; his about 40 years when his mother died. However, H's grandfather was not only a bigamist, but a polygamist! My father was physically and verbally abusive to my mother all during my childhood. As a teenager I had strong suspicions he was having an affair with a neighbor and coworker - now I am nearly certain. Other than that we both come from good Catholic/Jewish families with no divorce. I don't really know what it all means but I do believe we all reenact our childhood with our spouses after a couple of years of marriage - or is it that history repeats itself or something... ( Have you read "Mapping the Terrain of the Heart"?) In my case I was conditioned to take a lot of crap and be loyal, faithful etc. - perhaps that is why I was in denial about my H's affair for nearly a year. In retrospect, all the signs were there. <p>[This message has been edited by Simone (edited October 04, 1999).]

I think some foundations for affairs can be laid by our past.<BR>I grew up in a very quite, non demonstrative, non emotional family.<BR>W, the betrayer, grew up in a gregarious(sp?) family with lots of turmoil, her brother is the basic black sheep. I believe my FIL had an affair.<P>Anyway, I'm laid back and not very good at communication and avoid conflict. My wife is very uptight and likes an arguement. <BR>So you can see that we are opposites and how this fed into her affair.

My parents are still married. Next year will be their 40th anniversary. Both sets of grandparents stayed married throughout their life-times. My mother's parents are still alive. Their in their late 70's, and still married.<P>Both sides of my parents family considered divorce as a big evil, and my one uncle who did get a divorce was the talk of the family for a long time after.<P>Perhaps there's something buried in my past that made me a betrayer... but if so, I'm durned if I know what it is. There's really nothing obvious.<P>--andy

Hi <BR>I am the betrayed but my husband comes from a very loving family his mom and dad were one of the happiest couples that ever lived I am told by all the people who knew them,my husbands dad passed away 12 years ago but until then they were the perfect example and 12 years later my m.i.l. is still greiveing the loss of her husband. My husband could not have asked for a better family life.<BR>I on the other hand have had 3 step mothers and my own mother until my dad passed away 11 years ago my mother has had 3 husbands as well and is in the process of divorcing the 3rd one now, he is mentally unstable (muliple personality disorder) not that I am blaming her for divorcing him no one could live with some one like that he does not even know who is he is from hour to hour. <P>So I had the unstable family and am the betrayed, my husband had the perfect family and is the bretrayer. Does not make sense to me, or my mother or my mother in law we have often discused this to no avail.<BR>Jenny<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR>

I am the betrayer. My parents had a very unhappy marriage which lasted 12 years. My father was a serial adulterer, and physically abusive to my mother. <P>Ironically, although I have always tended to become involved with men who came from stable homes (my husband included), my affair is with a man who came from a background similar to mine.

Me: betrayer<BR>family: parents,grandparents all happily married, one divorced aunt (before I was old enough to notice). My family is very close and always talking and laughing. Very communicative.<P>Husband: betrayed<BR>family: father- aldulterer, alcoholic, abuser. mother- mentally ill, manic depressive, siblings don't talk to one another, husband ignored by family.<P>In our case, my husband did not communicate with me and I felt lonely. I never knew anyone who had an affair and I thought I was the only one in the world- to this day my family does not know, I wouldn't want them to be disgusted with me.

I'm as squeaky clean as they come ... at least my family lines are.<P>My parents are an incredible couple. They LIKE each other, they are each other's best friend ... in fact they want to DIE together. I had the perfect example of what a marriage is SUPPOSE to be ....<P>Grandparents on BOTH sides were married all their lives -- to each other. All are dead now.<P>My dad is the middle of three boys. His youngest brother cheated on his wife many many years ago, she chased down the OW and told her to leave her man alone. They ended up divorcing a few years later.<P>My dad's older brother I just found out last weekend cheated on HIS wife a few years back. She threatened to tell his mother and he stopped immediately. They are still married.<P>My sisters are happily married ... no signs of trouble.<P>I have one sister on Zoloft and my dad has taken Prozac in the distant past (he's obsessive/compulsive) ... so I have a history of depression.<P>Oh, and one great grandpa that committed suicide.<P>NO DRINKERS, CUSSERS, OR GAMBLERS.<P>Explain me please!<p>[This message has been edited by Maya (edited October 05, 1999).]

My dad was married before he married my mom and has two children from the first marriage that he hasn't seen since he got divorced (to my knowledge anyway).<P>My parents have been married for 31 years.<P>My dad has not had contact with his "family" since he was about 14...his grandmother raised him. He recently met up with his sister who found him over the internet. They didn't have contact for over 50 years. My dad's sister has been married 3 times (although he only thinks it's been twice...she was too embarrased to tell him).<BR>My dads mother was married 4 times.<P>My mom's mother died when I was 2 or 3...so I really only had one grandparent growing up.<P>My sister is divorced.

My mother was married 3 times, her first husband died, her second husband left and divorced the third.<BR>My father was married twice first one ended in divorce. according to my paternal grandmother and aunt. My dad denies ever being married before or having children with her (grandma has pictures) and then married and divorced my mom.<BR>Mom died when i was 8. Moved in with Dad was taken away for neglect at age 9 (he was a severe alcoholic).Then Lived with a bunch of different relatives until 18 when I moved in with my now H parents while he was away at college. got pregnant then married.<BR>He parents are still married but treat each other like **** and have raised kids with deep emotional issues too, but do to lack of self esteem none of them have ever had an affair and I have.<BR>A good book on this subject is Torn Asunder<BR>

Me: Betrayer<P>Mom & Dad married 32 years. Have two great sisters, family is very close. Both Mom & Dad were born in Italy. My mom was only 19 when married, my dad was 29, marriage was arranged. My grandfather (on my dad's side) left my grandmother, and went back to Italy, they never saw eachother again. My mom's parents stayed in Italy, didn't really know them. I have suspected my dad cheating but never confirmed. <P>My husband's family: 1 younger sister, who is the Queen, my husband is and has been treated like the foster child since she was born. Family never talks, very distant, screwed up childhood, dad was an abuser, alcoholic, always fought called eachother names, still to today, mom cheated on dad and has told my husband to his face that he was a mistake and she only married his father because of him, she admits their only still married today for the convenience and financial stuff.