Assuming OC is being raised by the couple (M recovered everyone is happy). Do you ever plan on telling OC about bio-father/affair/etc??

As some of you know, I am the WS w/OC trying to figure out what to do yet. One of the issues I have with NC is that I feel sooner or later the OC will find out the truth. OM has made it clear he WILL find her when she is 18 to try to have a relationship with her at that point IF BH and I decide to work on our M and stay together for the sake of our other 2 kids and OC as well.

BH says he would never want her to know but I realize at age 18 we may not have a choice. I was just wondering what others in this situation are doing or plan to do.

TIA,
Becca (still in "fog mode" so I Am sorry if I have a lot of questions that perhaps once the fog wears out, may not be an issue!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I would tell her.
Do you have any thoughts that your H could decide a year from now to not want to be married any longer?
Do you think he will love and care for this child just the same as the other two kids you have?
You will have an angry 18 year old on your hands if she finds out from someone else.
Have you given any thought to having to raise her without a father in the event things do not work out with your H?
Is there any way that your H will allow the OM to see the child if NC is in place and worked out?

These kinds of 'secrets' seem to always find a way to come out eventually -- usually at the worst possible time such as during illness or following a death. The passage of time seems to make the discovery of them worse. I suggest you tell the OC the truth in age appropriate ways -- much the same age/way you'd tell a child s/he was adopted. That way there's never any question or 'dirty little secret' following the poor baby around.

Mys

I agree with Myschae - McBecca she will need to know at some time. Tell the truth in age appropriate ways.

My xom made no such claim about telling OC when OC reaches 18. However, I believe things like this come out, somehow, some way, sooner or later. So, if up to me ONLY, I think we should tell our OC. H, otoh... at this point in time is dead set against it.

I know this is a subject that will come up several times through the years, (because I will bring it up, lol). I plan to poja it each time.

I have tried to explain to my H that I want the OC to know that H knew the truth all along, and YET loved him with all his heart... couldn't have loved him anymore if he was his biological child. I think it would be such a tragedy for our child to ever think his dad only loved him because he didn't know the truth.

This is a bridge I don't think you'll have to cross for a long time McB, but I personally believe the truth is best. I don't know WHEN to tell the child, (is there ever a right time?), but I do think it's a wise thing to do at some point.

as the "WS" so to answer your questions:Do you have any thoughts that your H could decide a year from now to not want to be married any longer?

I have absolutely no doubt he will be around forever, in his own words "if we promise to each other to work on our marriage and leave OM out of the picture, I will assume we are making new vows to each other like the day we got married and the past is put behind us, and we will hold each other accountable from that point forward"

SO again, as a WS I will be the one needing most of the "work" to make my marriage affair proof forever and for the sake of all children involved.

Do you think he will love and care for this child just the same as the other two kids you have?

Yes, I do. The reason I feel this now is because BH reminds me every day how his father also raised his brother who was not his biological son (half brother from his Mother's previous relationship). He says he feels God has been preparing him for this situation all his life.


You will have an angry 18 year old on your hands if she finds out from someone else.

That's my fear!!!


Have you given any thought to having to raise her without a father in the event things do not work out with your H?

Yes, and this is the reason I am trying to figure things out. My feelings for OM are still there and I am trying to figure out if I could ever get out of this "fog" enough to love my BH again to the poin that this never becomes an issue.

Is there any way that your H will allow the OM to see the child if NC is in place and worked out?

Right now, no I don't believe so. Perhaps in the future? perhaps once our M is no longer in jeopardy? However, OM has agreed to sign away his rights IF I agree to work things out with BH (this last part is as of 9:15 am on his latest email).

So this is a new discussion for BH and I to have tonight...
Becca

If the OM agrees to waive his rights, I think you two will do well to tell her as a young teen... no sooner... no later.
I truly hope that you and your H work things out. Counseling is a must... but it sounds like you have a good man there.
And the fog will pass so long as you really love your H.
Good luck to you both.

And BTW... the OM should not be emailing you. He needs to talk to someone else... a falily member or your H... not you.

Totally agree!!!!!!

NC means NC of ANY kind McBecca. None. Nada. Zip.

Your BH should respond to him not you. You should do a NC letter.

Mcbecca.

You are thinking of too many things at the same time, you are painting the house
Before building it.

Concentrate on NC withdrawal and your M. you are lucky to have a loving H by your side.

With this said.

About the truth. Telling OC or not.

Well if you don’t tell the truth, you will be telling a lie, and if you are worried about
Hurting the child with the truth, well the lie will hurt 10 times more, when the OC
Finds out, yes I said when not if because somehow those things tend to surface, later on
In life.

Take a deep breath and keep on moving forward.

Good luck.

Tony.

McBecca right here right now begin the clock and go NC. Block his email or change your addy and change all your phone numbers. NOW! Did you tell H about the latest email? Sweetie, you will never be out of that fog and back in love with your H while in C with the OM

Send him a NC letter with deatils about how he can contact whatever representative you choose regarding the leagalities with the child. If he is in fact going to willingly sign over the child.... get that taken care of right away. But do not shut down the lines of communication without first doing the NC letter and letting him know who he can contact. This letter should get aprroval from your H.

Bec,

Your child is what . . . one year old???? You have a lot of time to decide about this issue. Fix your marriage if you can. Then once that is done work on some of these other issues.

Crawl, walk, run . . . fist things first.

I think truth is generally the best policy in this case. Telling in an "age-appropriate" fashion is recommended, but it's difficult to find agreement on what age is appropriate, and what information is shared.

Our OC son is nearly 8. He doesn't know anything (nor do his siblings). We will probably break this to him in the next few years. My wife is the one dragging her heels on it---it's not a subject that she's fond of discussing.

I also agree with the others here McBecca. You've got more important things to worry about. Learning to use the Policy of Joint Agreement will make dealing with these issues easier.

McBecca - you might want to venture onto the pregnancy/OC board and read my story - from the point of view of the OC.

Brief recap: I witnessed my mother's infidelity as a toddler, but was told by my mother that what I had witnessed was some fantastic dream. My mother's lies and her abuse of me to insure my silence damaged me tremendously.

When I finally confronted her as a 25 year old woman, who wouldn't take the "fantasy" any more - children don't know the intimate details of s*xual play with a couple - yet I did - and from my earliest memories. I asked if OM had molested me and my way of coping was to impose the memory on her instead.

That's when she admitted her infidelity and also that I and a brother and a sister were also his. At 25, I thought I could handle ANYTHING, except this. I never imagined that my dad was not my father. I went into a very dark depression and though sworn to secrecy (yeah - my mother was a piece of work) I started talking - to my husband, to my therapist, to my bishop, etc.

The depression wasn't about who was my father. I was very clear that OM was an imposter in my parents marriage and that my mother had invited that imposter to steal precious things from my father - had assisted him in that theft. But my father was the man who raised me - by rights, by covenant, and by deed.

The depression was that my mother had never handled the spiritual aspects of her infidelity - and having been raised in a deeply dysfunctional but faith-based family, that meant something pretty serious to me.

My counsel - as a OC-daughter - to the mother of an OC - live honestly and openly. Protect and recover your marriage with all your heart, might, mind and strength. Protect your husband from intrusion - he is the father of your daughter by rights and by marriage, no matter what some on this bulletin board would say. If the law requires that intruder have rights, then cope with that when it comes, but protect your marriage and relationship with your husband FIRST.

Because little girls need a whole family. They need a mother and father who love each other and all their children - not just one or two of them here in this family, and one or two of them over there in that family. Protect her from chaos.

Just live honestly!