Here goes, Bob, as best I can.

As you can tell by the other thread, I came out of a very tough place. My childhood left a lot to be desired. I lived in a state of fear, for most of my life. The stress of living that way left me with many obstacles to overcome, one of which was the feeling that I had less worth than other people. To make a VERY long story short, the concrete things I did to overcome this sense of worthlessness really were about four basic things, which I describe below. There were probably other little things, but the four big ones I can truly list out and identify.

About counseling. For me, I wouldn't know where to start, what is the most important issue for me or to the counselor, and what to say. I would not know which issue to begin with, which issue is most relevant to the problem currently at hand (my H's affair). I'm also reluctant to say some things about how my feelings have been rollercoastering (is that a word?) because I don't want medications pushed at me when I don't feel a need for them, and I see them used too frequently when other means might work better (JMHO). What I think about this situation for me is that I expect to feel what I'm feeling, it is NORMAL to feel badly, to be sad, and to grieve. I think it would be ABNORMAL if I weren't feeling these things, and that I would need counseling if I were feeling anything else!

I'm talking about IC, and strictly for myself. As for MC, I think it is probably a fantastic idea. My FWH won't go - so I don't have much of a choice there. I think MC is very focused on the R and improving communication, so in that regard the focus part likely makes it quite effective.

In my own case, I have come through more he// than most people have seen, and feel I am fairly well adjusted. I found the way through quite a lot on my own, but do recognize that I am among the lucky in this regard. I did by finding the things outlined below, plus a few other things too. I hope Squid is willing to try some of them. You can encourage her, maybe do some of the things with her - it might help you in the recovery process, who knows.


Here's my experience on self-worth. I hope there are lots of postings to add to help you with Squid.


1) Acts to other people: This is the primary area I used to increase my self worth. When you offer help to someone in need - and they must be TRULY in need - your sense of worth increases dramatically. The trick here is that the help has to really be helpful, and the needy person has to really be needy. This can be on a small scale at first, such as volunteering a couple hours a week helping one child at the local school with his reading, or driving an elderly woman to the grocery store twice a week. That's really all it takes - but it has to be an act of giving that involves something you CAN do, given to someone who CANNOT do it. You might also consider joining a group, such as Habitat for Humanity to build homes, or the Red Cross, if you have those kinds of skills which are needed in your community. Think about what you are good at, what you have any training in, and give those skills away for the poor or needy for an hour or two a week/month.

2) Words to others: You have to make it a point to say something positive to a person in front of others every day. While this seems quite simple, it becomes difficult with this rule: The positive thing must be a true and honest compliment about the other person's abilities that you admire, and it must be stated in the presence of another person. At first, I did this by complimenting friends or family. Then I complimented co-workers I was friendly with. Now, I make it a point to compliment co-workers that I am either not so familiar with, or those whom I do not like or do not like me (this is really hard, but improves my work relationships more than anything else I've ever done).

3) Acts to myself: I do something positive for myself at least one time a week. I take the time to do something I enjoy once a week. This can be taking a walk with my wolf (she is a wonderful pet), just sitting on the patio with a glass of wine, shopping with my mother (which also counts as an act to another, because mom can't drive!), or whatever I choose. Sometimes I get my hair done, or go out with the girls. But I get to do something I enjoy at least one time a week. Either alone, or with someone I like to be with.


4) Words to myself: This has two parts - words I say aloud, and words I say inside my mind. I'm not allowed to put myself down, either in jokes or serious words. If I am to criticize myself, it has to be truthful and not what I call "fatalistic". Fatalistic is something like, "I am the worst gardener in the world, my rose bush is dead, everything in the garden is going to die" instead of realistic: "That rose bush died, I wonder if I chose the wrong food for it". I'm not allowed to do this kind of thing aloud or within my mind to myself. I am allowed to criticize myself, if the criticism is constructive, true, fair, and if I include a PLAN FOR CORRECTION.

Bob, you can help Squid - join her in acts to other people, acts to herself. Model words to other people. And lead her to restate herself when you hear her say the "fatalistic" things in words to herself. Maybe if you printed out the four things for her and left them for her to read? I don't know how she feels about MB, but if she wanted to talk to me, I know where she's coming from. I've been there. Exactly right where she is.


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.