Hi, I'll try to link my original post below this message so you know my story. Its long winded, basically been married 3 years, we are young, 25 and 23. WW had affair with so-called "best friend" (yes, lesbian affair) that was exposed in April. Thought it ended, but please these things dont end. I did plan A for about 2 months as recommended. It helped a little here and there, but it was still obvious to me that it was still going on, caught her in lie after lie. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore, she hurt me in the worst way possible again and spent a weekend with this person, but of course begged for forgiveness and claimed nothing happened and says she loves me and wants to be with me. Blah blah blah, way too much to say here but basically I got fed up with it, dropped plan B letter and moved out on July 1st (BTW there are no kids).

I moved out because I couldn't take sitting at home crying anymore as she stayed out all hours of the night, and because she was asking me to and that hurt so bad that it made me want to move out. Also, I figured it was better that way because she would be there where I could show up at anytime and she wouldn't be able to continue the affair at home. With me there she would just leave, with me not there she still spends tons of time there and doesn't leave much to continue the affair that I know of. It has dwindled but they definately still talk, though she swears they dont.

Question is, was I wrong to have moved out. In other threads they say never leave the marriage house when its not your fault. I know for sure that if she moved out she would go somewhere that I would never find and she would take the affair to the next level. She swears she will move out if I move back in. I have asked every month if I could move back in since things have really improved between us. I know, its no longer Plan B, but I can't help but hang out with her all the time, we spend a few days per week together. So do I move back in against her wishes and see what happens?

Recent update, I thought things were better and the affair was pretty much over other than phone calls, but something happened last week. My wife began classes for a post-bac degree, she graduated last year but wants to take more classes. That is where the affair started. The OW was in all of her classes last year. I have accussed many times that this whole post-bacc thing was just an excuse for them to be together in class again, of course she denies. She promised over and over that she hasn't seen or talked to this person in months and that she wouldn't be doing a post-bacc with her. So, first week of class, I got a feeling in my gut. Showed up near her class to surprise her with dinner when she got out. Really of course I needed to look into the windows of the class and see if she was with the OW. Dont worry, I'm not a crazy stalker I actually work at the school as a sessional instructor so I have every right to wonder the halls as I please. I had no idea where her class was because she wouldn't give me her schedule so I just walked around where I thought it would be. Sure enough, as I get near a well lit room I see in the windows from outside my wifes pretty little head. To my shock (or maybe not) there is the stupid head of her lover sitting next to her. She didnt' see me, I left completely devastated and now sure of divorce. I promised her over and over that if she so much as talked to the biatch one more time I would never speak to her again. She called me, I said I saw her and her little friend. Her first response was, "well I'm not dropping the class, I need it". ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME. She seems to not realize the gravity of the situation here. I just said "well you just dropped your marriage" and didnt' talk to her the rest of the night. She calls the next day and says whats the big deal, she is the like the best friend I ever had but I wont ever sleep with her again. Also tries to tell me that it wasn't planned and that she was so nervous the OW would walk in the first day of class and she might have to drop it. Dont worry, I'm not an idiot like some of our betrayed spouses in the fog. I called Bullsh*t on that right away. She really thinks I will believe that she had no idea the other woman would be there. Why the ****** did you sit next to her then was my obvious reply. She says well we didnt' talk. Please.

Anyway, sorry this is ridiculously long, I use this as kind of a journal to get this all out. Anyway, thats where we are at now, but of course I have gone back to her and had dinner, she gives me a ride to school, etc now. But I can't take this anymore. What do I do next??? Did I make a huge mistake by being the one to move out and what do I do about it now? Thanks for your help.

Here is the link to my original thread:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rch=true#UNREAD

if that doesn't work just search Lesbian affair.

oh, BTW my wife likes to use her mental illness as an excuse (doctors say she is bipolar, but I dont really think she is cuz they have changed her diagnosis like 10 times and put her on way too many drugs). And also, found out last month that 5 months into our marriage she began an online and phone affair with a man this time that live across the country. It was mostly emotional but she admitted to meeting the guy one time when she went to see family on the east coast. The talked constantly online and on the phone and I fell for the lie that it was some chick named "Sally" that she used to know.

You sound quite angry. Since your M is still young and so are you, what do you want to do?

L.

deewhit12 - file for divorce.

You love her but it is quite obvious that she has a world of problems in her little head. Manic Depression (nicely called Bipolar today) is controllable by medication FOR LIFE, but she doesn't sound all that "type." However, for now I'm going to assume the "shrinks" know what they are doing. IF that is true, WHY is she not on medication to control the mental illness?

The lesbian affair has been going on for a least 6 months, and still is as their seating arrangement in the class shows. Two "love struck" little kids "sitting next to each other.

The EA with the man, and most likely PA when they met, was probably a "testing of the heterosexual waters," but a violation of your marriage vows anyway.

I understand you love her, but that's not enough for your marriage to viable, much less a loving, committed marriage.

If you want to have any chance at the marriage, the "finality" and "reality" of being served for divorce may be the only thing that reaches her. But I'm not hopeful simply because you have two huge factors "working against you." First, she is still in an affair no matter what childish lies she tells you because she thinks you will "swallow them." Second, her affair is decidedly Homosexual and if that is her sexual orientation, you are not going to change it.

Do you "deserve" this sort of marriage, or do you perhaps "deserve better?"

Think about it. In less than 3 years she has trashed her marriage vow of "exclusivity" of sex with ONLY you, and has laid the groundwork that IF you are foolish enough to "allow" it, she will always do whatever it is she wants to do regardless of how it hurts you.

Need further proof? Making a key to your "castle" to give to ANYONE, much less the homosexual lover bent on destroying your marriage for HER own selfish motives is proof positive that you wife DOES NOT care about the sanctity of your marriage or your home. Who gets the next key, the milkman? The pizza delivery guy?

It hurts because you love her. Do you think it hurts her the same way? She is USING your love for her. Set her free to do whatever "wonderful" thing she wants to do as a SINGLE person, and reserve your love and lifetime commitment for someone else who is deserving of it.

Do so BEFORE children get to suffer the consequences of the idiocy of "adults."

Good luck and God bless.

I am sorry what you are going through. From what you have written it seems pretty clear that your wife was never serious about your marriage and her marriage vows. Within 6 months of your marriage she has an online affair with another man and now the continuation of a sexual affair with another woman. She has made it clear she will continue contact whether you like it or not and continues to lie and betray you. I suggest contacting an attorney to understand your options. It seems obvious that you have picked the wrong woman to marry. Don't let her destroy your life. You deserve better and will find better in the future without her. Enough is enough. I wish you luck.

Conventional wisdom states that the BS should not move out.

But in your case, IMHO, it doesn't matter that you moved out. You're young, have no kids, and your wife turns out NOT to be marriage material.

Cut your losses. Secure all your liquid assets and get legal advice to prevent her from running off with any marital property. File for divorce.

Consider your extremely good fortune in having this valuable life lesson so early in your life.

As much as you don't want to hear this, I agree with all of the other posts. You appear to have obstacles that are insurmountable.

BTW If you want to break up your WW's little A ask her partner out, send her flowers and make sure her name is on pieces of paper around the house and in your casually left wallet along with her phone number. And whatever you, do do not admit to your WW that you are interested in her.

Sincerely, best of luck.

Nonetheless, a tactical question:

Who owns the house? - or do you rent? If for some reason you are the only owner and only your name is on the mortgage, move back in pronto. Do not hesitate. Just show up.

If you are both owners, who's paying the mortgage? Unless she's paying for all of it - move back in.

These are financially/liability related recommendations and have nothing to do with your marriage.

WAT

deewhit...

Just wanted to chime in with the others and tell you also that it time to cut your losses on this...I know that you love her and this is all very painful, but it is truly better that you do this now, while you are young, rather than waste years of your life on this...the pain will only get deeper...

As for the Bipolar Disorder, my father has that mental illness and that is HUGE deewhit...More often than not people affected with that refuse to take medication, or take it only periodically or only while under court order to do so (no picnic there, I can assure you) and it can make your life a living ****** right along with theirs...One of the myriad of symptoms of that illness is promiscuity...but deewhit, even though that might explain SOME of it, it in no way excuses it...and remember they many times won't take the meds to control the illness-so deewhit, don't be a volunteer in this nightmare...Get out of this marriage hon...I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this...

Kindest Regards,

Mrs. W

Thank you all for your replies. I agree with you its time to get out of this. Its so hard though, when you are married you can't just stop talking all-together. We have bills and stuff to take care of that I need her for. Also, we moved across country for school and only took her car so of course she has taken "possesion" of it and lets me have it when she doesn't need it. I hate that dependence on her so I usually take the bus. She holds it over my head though because she knows I need her to give me rides or let me "borrow" her car which is actually half mine. Then there is the issue that I think she does still love me. I know that someone who loves another person can't do that and treat me this way, but I think she just doesn't understand what love is. I can't even talk to her about any of it because she is so childish and just always says that i "hate her". Which I dont at all, I obviously love her.

Anyway, we dont own, we rent an apartment. Its nice and I'd like to live there again. She says she'll move out if I come back but I'm thinking of moving back in Oct. 1st because I hate the place I'm in now. I am really too busy right now with work and school to deal with a divorce. I dont even know how to go about it but I know they cost money that I dont have. We have both been in school so there is like nothing for them to legally fight over and split. The only thing I would want to get out of the divorce is to have our credit card debt of over 10,000 split down the middle since most of the cards are in my name and she has done a lot of the overspending.

Also, she is just plain hard to get rid of. Its hard on me obviously because I love her. But also I just can't get away from her, she will always just call or come visit me at work or buy me lunch or whatever else. She can be so nice to me, especially after I have just caught her in a lie and swear I'll never talk to her again.

What about marriage counseling? I went to my pastor alone a few times. She is no longer christian at all like she used to be. Got into a bunch of liberal crap at our school which is where a lot of this came from. Loves to be fighting for a cause and to be oppressed. You know, the origins of the homosexual movement to begin with. She agreed to go at one point but I couldnt' set anything up with the pastor for like 3 weeks and now she is completely against the idea because she doesn't think he has any training in counseling.

How do I get through with her and move on with my life. What are some steps I should be taking?

Thanks again

deewhit12 - How do you mend a broken heart?


You take it to God and rest in Him. Give it lots of time because it takes a lot of time to heal from a major trauma.

Let's talk "real" here for a minute. Your wife is NOT a Christian despite any claims to be one. No, I can't see her heart, but I can read the Scripture and God is quite clear that unrepentant adulterers and homosexuals will NOT be in heaven. If they are not, they are not Christians.

That being the case, you are in an unequally yoked marriage with a wife who has "chosen to leave" the exclusivity of the marriage. Let her go. God does NOT want you to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever who is not willing to behave as a Christian married person should (i.e., a monogamous marriage to you).

Your wife's "objection" to counseling with the pastor is just a smoke screen. He may not be a trained marriage counselor, I don't know. I would also support seeing a MC who is trained, but the issue is more basic than that. Your wife HAS the Bible, the Word from the highest "Counselor." THAT counselor has forbidden both of her activities, regardless of what she thinks. If she, who claimed to be a Christian, will not obey God, what makes you think she would obey anyone else's "advice?"

I would confront her, in a loving way, with her direct sin against God in her actions in the hope that she might respond. But unless she submits to God, there is little chance that your marriage would fair any better.

You can also begin to expose her actions to others, but I know that is probably hard for you to do also because you want to "protect her" and you may also want to "protect yourself." Understand that you did nothing to warrant adultery on her part, and definitely not homosexual activities.

This IS traumatic. So please be in church each week as one way to listen to God and to "recharge your batteries" after being "beat up" all week.

God bless.