To all the formerly betraying Ladies,<P>And I do mean Ladies with a capital L. You've chosen to unselfishly forsake the pleasure of a lover who met your needs and try to fix the damage you caused to your marriages.<P>To each of you, under normal circumstances, in interacting with both men and women, is your husband normal, a pretty average fellow. Not a complete jerk, sadistic, warped. If so, there is a very simple reason for his ongoing hurtful behavior. If not, stop reading.<P>To paraphase an old breakfast waffle commericial, basically he's saying...<BR>"Leggo my ego"<P>His manhood could never be flatter than it was the day he found out that some guy was banging his betrothed.<P>You chose to come back, he chose to not abandon you. But now we're stuck in Limboland. Perhaps more needs than ever are not being met by the husband and he's still wanting you to feel some of the pain that's been heaped on him and the anguish he is still genuinely feeling even today.<P>But you already know all of that. You also know that this puppy ain't gonna budge, so if you want change, unfortunately you'll have to be the instigator.<P>The male ego, that's the cause, that's the solution. When his ego is lifted and he is an average guy, he won't seek retribution, he won't lash out, he will be more receptive to finally address not meeting your needs in the first place which caused this whole mess.<P>Ladies, you stayed. He took you back. Is there any temporary price too high to pay to boost his ego if it will get you both out of the miserable state. I have no suggestions on how to boost his ego, you ladies are the experts at that. Yes, if you think it might work, some temporary "groveling" or whatever action you choose to endure would better than a thousand tomorrows just like today, wouldn't it?<P>I can guarantee you this: he wouldn't trade original marital fidelity for all the groveling you could imagine. Change your tomorrow, you've sacrificed too much to stop at this final destination.<BR>

Ladies,<P>I've been busy the past two days and haven't had time to post. For those of you who know my story, I, too, had an affair. But, the extra added bonus is my H had an affair too.<P>Like you guys, I tried to talk to my H about our problems for years. I told him how unhappy I was for years. His answer, "I can't change." So, rather than continue beating my head against the wall, I accepted that and stopped pressing for change. What eventually happened is I became so needy and desperate that I had an affair. Sound familiar?<P>Cuckold is right about a man's ego. It's going to take time and patience for your H's to heal from the pain. Patty, I know it's only been 4 months for you. New_beginning and TryingAgain, I'm not sure how long it's been for you two. But ladies, it may take years for your H's bruised egos to be completely healed. That's the reality. Yes, sticking with this is definitely the hard way to go. Bailing would be easier. Cut and dry. But easy rarely means better. If you've invested love and time into your marriage and you don't want to throw all that away, then I know you will want to try, try, try, try, and try again. And when you get tired, TRY SOME MORE!<P>I'm here to tell you that your H's CAN change. Right now, they're pissed and they don't want to. But the way you handle things can make a big difference in the final outcome. Be understanding of their feelings. No offense, but how exactly do you expect them to feel when you gave yourselves to another man???? Many men and women have died as a result of infidelity. Think about what it is your H's have to process, and be patient and understanding. If they fight you, don't fight back, instead, give them love. Give them so much love and understanding that will take the fight out of them. You CAN make a difference. Start filling their banks with love units. Sure, you have needs that need to be met, but you screwed up big time by having them met by someone else. Now is the time to put in some hard work so that your H's WANT to fulfill your needs. Right now they don't want to, but eventually, with time and effort, patience and understanding on your parts, they will. I GUARANTEE IT! They know that in order to keep you, they will have to. But like I said, they're pissed right now and have built up walls and want to believe they don't care what you do. They care, or else they would have left you. Give them time. Treat them like you would treat a wounded bird that cannot fly. Give them time to spread their wings. Become the woman they couldn't help but to love and cherish.<P>It takes two to tango. Refuse to tango, waltz instead.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Deb,<BR>I told my husband a number of times that I wasn't sure I loved him. That I have never been in love with him (this is true). This was before the affair. After the affair I told him I did not love him. What a terrible thing to do to someone. I think I love him more than I'm able to or willing to acknowledge. I'm not sure.<P>Murphy,<BR>I am sorry this happened to you. In your case there was no communication. In my case there was, apparently, not enough communication. It's hard to say what would have worked.<P>Sad4now,<BR>I have come to accept that there is no good ending, no resolution, to this whole thing. Hoping for resolution will extend withdrawal. Let it go. It's over. You don't know that the MM is happy. It is you and your husband that are the important people now.<P>Cuckold,<BR>Thank you for your post. I did some genuine apologizing last night (not for the first time!) and it did make my husband feel a little better. My husband is not an ogre, but there are some serious shortcomings in our marriage which will have to be addressed. You are right, however, when you say he choose to take me back. We have small children. This is the main reason both of us have chosen to stay with this marriage.<BR> <P>

new woman,<P>I just read your post. Thank you. It is very difficult to try and try, when I reach within myself and can't find within me the love that is needed to keep trying. I am trying because it is the right thing to do. Hopefully, the emotions will follow eventually. I know that this trying is made much more difficult by my affair. It's been 3 months since last contact with the OM. I've been with my husband for 20 years. I keep telling myself there must be something there which kept me with him this long! <P>By the way, the troubles in our marriage were not only on his part. I was just as much part of the problems. This affair is a very painful wake up call for both of us.

To TryingAgain,<P>I can only imagine how hard this for you. But I would like you to think about something...<P>You said:<BR>---------------------------------------<BR>After the affair I told him I did not love him. What a terrible thing to do to someone. I think I love him more than I'm able to or willing to acknowledge. I'm not sure.<BR>---------------------------------------<P>This is devistating for someone to hear. Your husband (like me) is dealing with the hurt and betrayal of the affair. Then on top of that he has to hear that you don't love him and never did. It doesn't sound like you have reassured him now that you do. Yet you want him to show you lots of love and affection. How can you expect that?<P>I'm not coming down on you. Your last post just kind of struck me. I know your H has never been supportive but I can only see that getting worse with comments (Love Busting) like "I don't love you.

TxOnline,<BR>You are right. That is an awful thing for someone to hear. Yet, the time I said it (in the context of leaving him) I meant it! I have not repeated it since. This marriage has problems which started long before the affair and now, with the affair, they seem nearly insurmountable. I feel terrible about who I am. And I truly have to search myself to find if I love him.