I am getting ready to discuss with my lawyer, my WW lawyer and her about 50/50 custody schedule. I have read some research and find some information confusing about which is the best 50/50 custody schedule.

So does anyone have comments/opinions/suggestion and research?

Thanks

It depends on many factors, not the least of which is the age of the children, as well as the current parenting time split, the proximity of the households, the ability of the parents to effectively communicate and coparent.
Give us more details and we'll try to assist.
# kids and their ages, schoolwork, extracurriculars
Do you plan to live in same town/school district
Who is responsible for afterschool care? Pick up/drop off.
Will work responsibilities (travel) interfere with parenting time? Ie. can both parties realistically meet their committment.

I have a friend who has 50/50 and they do a 3/3/1 with the single day as a switch day so the children go no longer than 3 days without seeing the other parent. They live within 1 mile of each other. Another does the weekon/weekoff deal. I find this more difficult as the parents get no 'breaks' and the children miss the other parent. Some parents like to have a steady schedule where the kids know they will be with one parent on M & T, the other on Wed & Thursday, then alternate weekends. That way the kids can schedule activities.

There are many, many options and each case is unique. I know I would not have 50/50 given the age of my children at the time, and their father's lack of parenting in the M. Think hard about what each parent can really do.

My research is limited, but it is working here for me. Go for the 50/50. You must maximize your time with your child(en).

My kids are 6 and 8 and I have them Sun/Mon/Thurs and every other weekend (thus ex has Tues/Wed and every other). We keep similar schedules (bedtimes, wake up times, etc.) and most of the same rules as well. Kids don't really have any transition issues and don't tend to miss the other parent as they will be with them in a day or so. It works very well for us.

Mine are a little older -- teenagers. And I think thats relevant.

We did one week / one week.

I felt it helped them have more routine during that time. To settle into the rules of the house they were at.
My kids are very active in sports, etc. So even during my week "off" I still attended games, helped with transportation, etc. So I still saw my kids almost daily.
I enjoyed having a week off from bedtimes, homework, and teenage angst!!!

If we had done a quicker changing schedule, my kids would have had more difficulty I think. The biggest problem they had was their friends never knowing which house they were at. (Them having their own cell phones helped with that greatly.)

What I also found that as each of the kids got to about age 16, they stopped wanting to switch back and forth. My two oldest live with me full time. My youngest is 13, and he still does the rotation.

I have been wrestling with this issue recently as I decide to leave. My wife filed for divorce in August but claimed to be wanting to work things out (now that I have contacted OMs wife and caused him to end it). Anyway, I expect to be leaving tomorrow or next day and at first thought I would suggest alternating weeks but decided because of my active roles in my kids' lives I couldn't wait that long to see them so I have drafted a provisional order providing for me to have them Saturday morning until I get them off to school Tuesday morning which would give me three nights each week and each of us would have a weekend evening with the kids.

Also, I am a divorce lawyer (my situation gives me a greater ability to empathize with my clients - and to share this website) and I believe that the week on/off winds up getting confusing when trying to make future plans because you have to start going throughthe calendar to figure out who has which week. Setting the specific days creates some degree of stability which is extremely important.

I chose the other option... I didn't want my kids exposed to the affair and the OW more than necesary. So, I have full custody. To me, I felt that the kids would do better with one home. So far, they are fine with the idea. BTW, my kids are 18, 16 and 14. They spend one evening per week and every other weekend with their dad. My DD16 is choosing to not spend any time with her dad because of issues she is having with his choices and the continued relationship with the OW. They are all old enough to choose and I don't deny their dad time with them, it just isn't court ordered.

It has been 4 years since our divorce. Our son is now 7 yrs old. I fought for primary custody but we were awarded joint. Instead of week on/week off we agreed to Monday and Tuesday overnights with Dad, Wednesday and Thursday overnights with Mom. We alternate weekends but my son comes home to Mom at 5pm on the weekends he is with Dad to prepare for school on Monday. We alternate all holidays even years vs odd years. We each get to take three full weeks in the summer to accomodate vacation schedules but don't take them more than one at a time. At first it was really hard because our parenting styles differ greatly. But living within a 20 mile radius of each other and seeing the bond that deepened between my son and his father made me realize I have to just let go and let them be "them" together and respect that one is not better than the other we are just different. Our son understands that and adjusted really well. I had a stepdaughter during our marriage that had one custodial schedule after another so I have tried nearly all of them. I think the way we split up our time is about the easiest way to make 8 days out of 7 and assure the child or children are permitted the freedom to develop the relationships as they wish. As long as they are in no physical harm I think it really is the best for them to know they are loved fully by both mom and dad.

To SFA, I find it hard that one parent would have the weekends and be happy with that. I like to spend quality time on the weekends with my girls. Unless your STBX is a SAHM and gets them all week long, I would find your arrangement difficult. Their mother would not be able to take them anywhere for a weekend. Most sports activities occur on weekends. She would be missing out on alot of free time with them.

I knew of one case like your suggestion. Also from a lawyer (in my divorce support group). He said he did it to keep his ex from have too much flexibility. That is, she'd always have to be around to deliver the kids to him on Sat. morning and couldn't go away on a weekend.

I'm saying: Think about your motives. If your X also works, why should she get no full weekend days with the kids?

My kids were 2 and 4 when I separated. We tried two weeks and two weeks. It was very hard on the kids so we tried one week and one week which has been "good" for the kids since and they are 10 and 12 now. My XWH and I live within a bike ride of each other's homes, the kids' schools are equal distance between us. We have a good "working relationship" and are flexible to the desires of the kids for extra days at one house or the other, while trying to avoid having them "play us". We know that due to friendships they are forming in the neighbourhood, and issues that may come up due to their ages or the new families they are blending into that they may eventually prefer to be primarily in one home or the other. I'm not looking forward to that, but have always been prepared for it. Having a family counsellor helps to work out what's best for the kids.


Mrs. W8ing

Newly:

That is why this forum is so invaluable. I never even thought of the fact that she would not have any weekends. My creation of that schedule was definitley not motivated by trying to affect her schedule or time with the kids. Frankly, I am very confident (at lesat at this time) that any change needed in whatever schedule is created will be dealt with amicably.

The reason for the schedule I mentioned was so that each parent could have a weekend night which I believe in our case would be more important as the kids have tons of stuff on the weekends and I expect both of us to attend. Also, they have a number of lessons during the week after school and they would be at her hoome most of the week which is where the piano would be (so they can practice).

If she would want to do something on the weekend, I would have no problem accomodating her. The one thing I believe we will each keep as a priority is the children.

Thanks for the comments. I plan on leaving today so I will think about some revisions.

I still believe that each parent should have time to plan activities with the kids without "approval" from the other parent.
Both parents should be included/involved in the kids activities.
While you feel you will be flexible now, post divorce how will you feel? My X stated his flexibility in many documents, but the reality is far different. There are fathers who are partners in parenting. If you were one of these, 50/50 is appropriate. If you were a sideline and expect to improve, then step up to the plate and know that with parenting time comes obligations. Music lessons, completing school forms. etc. Don't expect your X to do it all while you benefit by having unscheduled time with the kids.

Be realistic.

I had not thought of the need for approval. I suppose I just thought that if she wants to schedule something she would do so and advise me and that I would be okay with it.

I agree 100%. As a divorce lawyer and very involved dad it pains me when I handle a case and one of the parents is not (or is barely) involved in the child's life. Especially in cases where both parents were greatly involved while together.

As for me, I have NEVER missed a parent/teacher conference, atheletic event, music recital, etc. I have coached or assisted with every team with which they have been involved. I go over homework EVERY night (which will become difficult starting today). And I spend TONS of time with them in addition to the time I have mentioned.

I understand what you are saying and have seen scores of cases where things start out friendly at first adn then neither parent can continue to put the child's welfare first. I guess my answer is probably like many in this situation, that I am confident based upon my treatment of her to this point and my love for the children and that I beleive I have their best interests in mind that I will remain flexible. It is reasonable to wonder if that will continue.

I have been significantly involved in my children's lives. In fact, I just learned in the token MC session my wife agreed to go to, that one of the things I did to make sure I spent family time actually had a somewhat negative impact on my wife. I tend to keep crazy hours. I did so for the reason that I wanted to maximize my time with the family and not miss out on their lives while trying to build/maintain my practice. I would make sure I was home every night for dinner and stayed home until everyone was asleep. I would then go to my office in the middle of the night to complete whatever work needed to be done. Well, in the MC session, my wife mentioned that she would have liked to have me sleeping beside her those evenings. However, she NEVER once mentioned that to me. I would have gladly went to the office before everyong got up and stayed in bed with her had I known that. Of course, I probably would have then LBd because I have also always helped get the kids off to school and would not have been there for that.

In hindsight, I think the thing to do would have been come home for dinner then go to the office for a while to get the work done and then come back home for the night. I just always thought that it was important that I be home during the evenings. My wife in the past commented about how her father was gone many evenings due to meetings and how it affected her closeness to him.

Also, I do take them to their lessons as well and spend a SIGNIFICANT time with them. So much so that a number of people have commented that perhaps I should be the custodial parent. Although I appreciate that, just as I would not want to be cut out of the childrens' lives on a daily basis I could not do not that their mom. Frankly, other than this thing having gone on and the incredible lack of caring for the family as a result of keeping it going, she has been a fabulous mom up to the point it started. Until two years ago she was a SAHM and I truly believe that a major reason that my kids have done so well in school is because of the time spent with them getting them ready to enter school. Unfortunately, the last two years have been just a pack of lies and although she still does tremendous with them culturally and education wise, she is a different person because of this thing.

On the brighter side, I exposed what was going on to the OMs wife (though separeted for two years and the divorce pending that long) who was very interested to know that the thing with my wife began prior to the time that he came home and said he wanted a divorce. That, with some other information provided by me just cost him a bunch of money in child support because she had agreed informally to a much reduced figure. She also exposed his behavior to most of hers and his family and their daughter. So it immediately became no fun and he immediately broke it off with my wife. Sadly, she has pursued him as pathetically as I pursued a repair of my marriage, while still lying to me that she makes any attempts at contact.

I really do thnk I am.

I'm trying to help by giving my perspective. There are many great fathers on this board. Others don't understand the responsibilities required of full or part time parenting.

* Post Deleted *

This is great feedback.

One thing I have heard is that 50/50 week on week off with a mid week visitation for the non custodial parent helps.

Also think that the week on week off should strictly be for the effects of over night stay, interaction with the kids should be continual the whole time.

I wouldn't stay away from the kids for the time that they are not spending the nights with me. I feel that is a failure of our obligation as parents.

I whole think that once you bring children into the world you have to sacrafice self for them. If I date it would be only when they are not there. I would have to give a great amount of time, years to first adjust to the divorce situation before introducing them to a new relationship on my side.

MY WW on the other had has introduced the kids to 2 guys already

2-2-5-5 is a popular way of doing 50/50 custody. The weekends alternate and neither parent goes a whole week without seeing the kids. Generally it starts on a Monday. So Dad gets Mon-Tue, then Mom gets Wed-Thu, then Dad gets Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue, and then Mom gets Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun.

Helps to stay in the same school district.

I hear you about the boyfriends; it's like they're playing family. My ExWW took the kids to a drive-in movie with a BF, while I was out of town on business!! But with time you'll get over it.

Now I'm remarried and the ExWW is really acting out. She seems totally consumed with spite. Meanwhile she has a live-in BF; at least she settled on just one for the past 12-18 months.

Well, back to the topic. If you have a chance for 2-2-5-5 or similar pattern, go for it. Don't let anybody tell you it's too confusing "for the kids"; they'll get used to it and be happy to have the time with you.