Cymanca, I am stealing that line for my sig line if it's okay, it's PERFECT!!

I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes. Cymanca

Becca:

I have posted a few other posts to you as have many others with the same message but apparently the aliens are still in control of your mind. I hate to say that I saw this coming but I think most of us did and this train derailment can be stopped by only you and you alone.

I am a BS. As a BS I struggle with a lot of issues. Most of them I can't change and as part of my personal recovery must find out how to handle those challenges better..BUT, if my FWW made the same fogged out comments that you have consistently made on all of your posts, I wouldn't be able to get out the door fast enough. Briefly, and harshly but in a loving way, let me give you the perspective of your Husband from a BS perspective:

1) I (McBecca) am not willing to do whatever it takes to make up for mistakes that I have made in my life REGARDLESS of what my BH is willing or unwilling to do to improve our marriage.

2) I (McBecca) place my own needs for fulfillment above 1) duties to my family, 2) duties to the vows that I took to love for better or WORSE and 3) regardless of how much more pain that I may cause my H if my own needs are not met first.

3) I (McBecca) am not really sure if I want to do as another poster says to commit to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes, instead I want to continue to hedge my bets so that if things don't work out right, I have not closed all the doors with OM and I (McBecca) might still be able to have my needs met by him.

You can look on any of my posts over the last year and see how supportive that I have been to many other waywards who are trying to change their lives for the better. Those words are not vengeful knives thrown at you from the broken heart of a BH. Rather those words are how that I think most BS would feel if their WS spouted off some of the selfish, taking, looking out for number one garbage that you have filled these boards with for the last couple of months.

I have said before and will say again. The EASIEST thing that a BS can do after D-Day is to leave the relationship and start their life back over from scratch. But the Easiest thing is not always the right thing which is why that so many of us continue to stick around here, struggle with our own personal and marital recovery and try to make things better in all of our lives. It doesn't always work out and even God, the all forgiving source has given BS's an escape route for adultery even though he loves marriage and hates divorce.

You have some serious choices to make and time is of the essence to wit:

1) Get all the taker, selfish fogged out WW attitudes purged from your system, resign yourself that you have already gotten your needs met outside the marriage and so now your duty to your husband and your kids supersedes any needs that you may have, beg you husband to give this a little time before long term decisions are made that will affect many, and pray every day that your husband can find it in his heart to EVENTUALLY move forward. Funny thing is that this will require you to give everything you have to meet his needs and to make him happy even if it makes you miserable and he doesn't even acknowledge your needs, but over time if he meet his needs, clear your mind of all the rubbish that you use to justify your prior and CURRENT actions and try to become the wife that he deserves, you know what...you might be surprised to find that he starts meeting all your needs because he loves you and you don't even have to whine about it. Or in the alternative you can,

2) Go over to TOW board and continue to moan about how that you had no choice to have an affair, how you are torn between two loves, how that your needs are still unmet even though you so graciously showed your husband your committment to the marriage by trying to open his eyes by finding someone else to meet those needs when he couldn't and in the meantime lose your husband who is an emotional and physical wreck because of your choices, probably eventually lose at least the respect of your kids and family members, wallow in your self pity because life threw you such a bad hand of cards and in about ten years when you are still a miserable human with far less in your life than you have now and are willing to sh*t away, you may just realize that it was your choices, not everyone elses that caused the misery in your life.

Sorry for the baseball bat, but someone has got to get through to you (if for no other reason that to stop you driving the knife further through your BH's heart).

JMHO

NT

I am giving up. MEDC was right, I need to give up my children. I was selfish and was not putting their best interest first. What kind of mother does that? They will grow up best with their fathers and not this selfish lunatic they have of a mother.

BH does not want to hear one word from me. He says I am a liar and nothing I say means anything. He hates me and everything that I've put him through.

I have to work on myself, I feel so unworthy and ashamed right now but I dug this grave myself. Maybe one day I will be forgiven but until then, I can't continue to cause more damage. I don't trust myself, my thoughts, my actions, or anything that has to do with me, I could never raise anyone when it is obvious I am not mature enough to know better.

I feel so lost and so alone and yes go ahead tell me again I MADE the choices myself. I know. I am well aware of it. Stoning me would be kinder right now.

Becca
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

CHEESE AND CRACKERS GIRL!

You are yet again choosing to take the "poor pitiful me" route!!!!

BUCK UP AND OWN IT.

Do you not KNOW that your BH has felt lost and alone since you waylaid him with this????

Geez o'Pete.

>I have to work on myself

and

>Stoning me would be kinder right now.

Null each other. Either you buck up today and be the best mom and wife you can be or you wallow.

All I see right now is a bunch of wallowing.

Fix yourself.

The tools are here.

Not one of us could do it for you...but each one of us is attempting to help you do it for yourself and your family.

((((((Becca)))))

Don’t do this to yourself, you sound like my WW she is always down on herself like you are, and this is the reason you had the A in the first place, if you are worried about your husband going back to his old ways, and not meeting your needs, don’t he did sow you his love by taking OC as his own, OM is nothing to you.

Your DH did everything he could and gave you unconditional love, this is not what you
Need right now.

You need to forgive yourself this is where everything is going to start.

Quote:

“I am giving up. MEDC was right; I need to give up my children. I was selfish and was not putting their best interest first. What kind of mother does that? They will grow up best with their fathers and not this selfish lunatic they have of a mother.”

Read this again, did you see how unselfish this is? You are a loving mother and a loving wife, that took the wrong turn, and still in the fog.

NC, NC,NC,NC,NC,NC,NC,NC,NC.

THIS IS YOUR STARTING POINT. Dr Harley is a very smart man, follow his advice.

Quote:

“I have to work on myself, I feel so unworthy and ashamed right now but I dug this grave myself. Maybe one day I will be forgiven but until then, I can't continue to cause more damage. I don't trust myself, my thoughts, my actions, or anything that has to do with me, I could never raise anyone when it is obvious I am not mature enough to know better.”

You hit the target here, work on yourself, don’t seek forgiveness from others, and seek
It from yourself, it will spill out.

So pick yourself up look at what’s real forget about the fantasy, your family needs you,
Your husband needs you.

Quote:

“BH does not want to hear one word from me. He says I am a liar and nothing I say means anything. He hates me and everything that I've put him through.”

Then stop talking and START ACTING, he loves you after everything you put him through, you are the one pushing him away, start owning your stuff and give your M
Another chance, STOP CONTACT WITH OM NOW.
Tony.

McBecca, just stop! Go NC and work on yourself. Do a reverse plan A on your H. Drop that stupid IC of yours and get counseling with the Harleys. Get a plan and show your H you are changing. Words are nothing...actions are everything.

Okay... since I was right... perhaps you want to read my words again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want your M to work. I want your kids to have an intact family.
I want you to have NC with the OM.
I want you to repair things with your H.
The only point I have argued was that I feel the OM should be able to see his son if he chooses to. That matter has been settled... the OM is willing to give up rights if you stay with your H.
So... fix your marriage. Be honest with yourself about what you want. But if you cannot see yourself being a stable force for your kids after you heal... either decide to get counseiling... intensive counseling NOW... with a M friendly counselor... or let the kids go with their fathers. I sincerely hope that you choose... and all of this is a choice... to make your marriage work.... you have not put up any fight and NOW ... TODAY... is the time to begin that battle.
Don't give up your kids and H without fighting to your last drop of blood. You will never forgive yourself.

Everyone is allowed to wallow now and then, even a FWS. I'm doing in a bit myself today.

Your H is angry . . . wouldn't you be if the rolls were reversed?

If your H wants a divorce let him go get one. You work on saving the marriage (if that is still what you want to do).

All the problems in your marriage that existed pre-affair must be addressed, but not right now. You have larger issues right now. Show your H that you care for him (don't tell him . . . he doesn't trust your words right now), show him that your love him and show him that you are remorseful for your actions.

This stuff takes time. It won't be fixed in a day.

It sounds as if you are unwilling to deal with all of the consequences of an A. My WH and I have been riding this roller coaster for well over a year, and we are just beginning to see past the pain, back to each other. TIME



In the meanTIME, show the love that is inside you. Your marriage is not all horrible, stop focusing on just YOU, and look at the world that surrounds you. Taking time to figure things out is a farce. Do you want your marriage?; do you fear what may happen to the one's that you love if you choose a life without them? Unless your H is physically abusive, or mentally abusive, trying will not hurt you. He will say ugly things, you've brought that to the surface; it's something that you have to take, and it's gonna SUCK! Just accept that it takes solid, hard work to get anything good in this life. Even if you don't remain together, you will forge a bond that will keep you together as friends and bring the respect back. A strong, healthy, fulfilling marriage is the goal.

Your children will be heavily impacted by what they SEE you DO. Don't show them that they don't matter. If you stand up and face this, they will respect that. Your counselor obviously doens't know JACK, divorce takes a piece of you, never to return; all they know is family, when you break it up without a fight, they feel it. FIGHT. Stop the pity party, JESUS, everyone here has a story to tell. We all come from something horrid that has scarred us, but you have a choice here. Overcome your past.

As for judgement, your actions are being judged and you will be judged by them for the rest of your life. You have always been judged by them, you just never realized it as you do now.

Take care, take action

You would rather give up your children than go No Contact with OM?

Whoa. Really?

Isn't that like climbing Mt Everest when you only wanted to take a walk?

LA

Becca,
You aren't a victim. Don't allow your thoughts to take you into a victim's mindset. Own you life. Own your future. If you want a marriage, you can have it... but YOU'll have to fight for it.
Heartsore

McBecca - I emailed your husband.

NC is the key. You go NC and I guarantee you 8 weeks for now your perspective will be radically different.

I mean REAL NC too, not this shell of it you have had so far.

Ditto EXACTLY what BigK just said.

Go NC...AND STAY THAT WAY...for 8 weeks.

See what your perspective looks like then.

Between now and then, do what you need to do to improve you as a mom and a wife. Get rid of the IC that you've got. You need someone who actually can understand about infidelity, what it does to a marriage, and to both spouses.

Start making the POSITIVE changes in yourself that you know you need to make.

Several people have said this, and I think you might have missed it. YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM HERE. Now, EVERYONE is deeply hurt by an affair. I have not one shred of doubt that you are hurting right now. But, YOU put yourself in that position, and as someone else here said, buck up and own it. You screwed up. Face it. Admit it...to yourself, and to your H.

And then do what you have to do to make things right.

OK, your H said he can't believe you anymore, that you're a liar. Well, you have to admit that you HAVE been lying to him, for quite some time. That's how this whole affair got started. And it's the LIES that hurt a BS more than anything else, nearly all the time.

So, make that change. Don't be a liar now. Show your H the changes you're making in yourself, not just with words, but with ACTIONS. Let him SEE that you're trustworthy. Let him SEE that you love him, and have chosen to stay with him and work on the marriage.

That means NC. PERIOD. That means counseling...that focuses on rebuilding your marriage and each other after the damage from the affair. PERIOD. That means becoming the kind of mom your kids can respect. PERIOD.

You don't want to face the truth, but the first step in working through this is to realize one thing...YOU made this situation. And it's up to YOU to make things right.

Make that first realization, and that first choice now. Once you do that, you CAN recover your family and your marriage. But if you don't, then you stand no chance of fixing things.

Give it some serious thought. Start doing some serious thought about what's going on in your H's head right now. And think about WHY he's thinking/feeling/reacting the way he is. And realize that you CAN do things to help...but only if you CHOOSE to do so.

Hi McBecca,

I've been following your story. everyone is giving you great advice. I just wanted to show you that there is another person here, me, praying for you too. I was a WW. I understand. You CAN do this.

YOU can recover

Your marriage can recover.

and your family can stay intact.

with prayers, Karen

OMG what an ordeal I've created for myself!!! Last night I truly hope there was no hope but for me to walk away and just accept that i am a horrible mother, person, human being. I don't think I've cried harder than I did last night and I finally had to do what my pride kept me from doing and I reached for my BH. I had to accept whatever he was going to say but at the same time I had to try to at least let him know that I needed to kill the old me and start over. After hours of talking (all in the middle of the night while the kids slept). I asked him not to file for D yet and to give me a chance to show him that I can do this. HE agreed!!!

He finally shared his feelings with me about how much my A had hurt him and I really needed to hear that from him. For some stupid reason he had become a robot to me without feelings or emotions.

I know this is a loooooooooooooooooooooooong road, but like many of you said, doing the right thing I will NEVER regret it!! so start of day 1 for me.

I have agreed to keep OM as far away from us as the moon! NC regarless of what happens for now. One day he too will thank me for this.

I asked BH to give me specifics of what I can do to repair the trust I've broken and he had a list already prepared in his head. Nothing I cannot do and everything I haven't done!

Now I just have to get good with God. I haven't done that yet. I've been somewhat angry at him too and it is time for me to ask for His forgiveness too.

OF course, I thank all of you for helping me get my head out of my b u t t too, of course the rest is all up to me!!!

Blessings to all,
B

Good for you and your H. Remember and be prepared that this will be a ride of ups and downs... sometimes very far down. Know that going in and you will be less dicouraged when the lows occur. Your H is going to need a lot of support for quite a while. It can and will be worth it in the long run....and frankly, you owe it to him. We all struggle through this stuff at times, but keep your eye on the prize... a happy, healthy and recovered M and family and oyu will be okay.
As far as your decision of NC, I think that is a good idea. I would say that since the OM has relinquished his parental rights, I would have a representative contact him to make that all official... or at least talk to your lawyer and get his feel for this.
Best of luck to you all.

I am glad to hear that you are making the choice of your family.
Very glad. You've been on my mind a lot lately.

I did want to comment on this comment:


A warning maybe--don't think about how OM will thank you for this. He needs to NEVER get the chance. You need to stop thinking about his well-being. I think that might sound harsh, but that was always the hardest thing for me--thinking about how even after I knew of the A--he cared about how she was doing, etc. That will hurt your H. You need to see OM for what he really is and was--poison to your family.

What are your plans for life-long NC?

Take care and keep posting.

Intexas

Hi McBecca...

You just became my hero today. I have huge respect for someone willing to choose the tough road to do the right thing.

I agree with intexas about the OM. When your child is old enough, that can become his/her (sorry I didn't find out which) choice to track down the father... and as in the case of my W, it will be between her and her biological father. Until that time, your H is the father and always will be.

There is nothing wrong with being angry with God. I believe he wants complete intimacy with you... so conflict avoidance with God just doesn't work. Let him know you are angry and why... very loudly if need be. This is how you can draw closer. He is there for you.

Your H will have short patience and very small trust for a while. This is unfortunate but reality of your choices. Understand that. Get help with that. Be patient yourself. Remember that his anger and hurt is necessary for him to heal.

You will need to heal yourself and find new ways to restructure your boundaries and request your needs in a healthy way. This will take time, but don't just allow the marriage to go back to the same old way. Again, be patient.

Shaden

Well done Becca. Bravo.

I know that I've been few and far between in my posts to you, but every time I get the chance to read one of your threads, everyone has already given you the same advice I would have given to you. PLEASE keep up your hard work and NEVER forget to own your actions!