Then McBecca you have some thinking to do.

My FWW and I had discussed Adultry in depth before her A. She knew my feelings and I knew hers. Under no circustances is it acceptable!!!!

No matter how bad your M is. If you needs are not being met and you feel the urge you have two choices. Correct that or get a D. An A is not really the answer.

Your feelings are 100% valid that you need your needs to be filled.

You tried pertending it was OK did you try setting boundries? How much effort did you put into changing that? You always have an option. If you gave it 100% to try to change the dynamic in your M so your husband was aware of your needs and you let it be known you wanted them met and he didn't you could get the D.

From your registration date it seems to me this is fairly new disclosure. I don't know. But the waffling on the BS side could be considered normal. That is when you need to show him a total commtitment that you will walk to the end of the earth for him.

You diserve your needs to be met and so does he. Right now you need to show him that you will take the lead.

McB,

"I mean, I can lie and say that it won't happen but what if it does??"

Do you mean what if you CHOOSE to be an adulterer again? It can only happen by your choice. Period. Happens no other way.

"Remember, I tried for many years to pretend that it was OK for my needs not to be met!!"

And you found out pretending does work for you. Didn't aid your life then, didn't while you were in the affair and won't work now. Fantasy doesn't work. It's not real.

You learned something important...your BH communicated well in his email...he knows you will NOT protect the marriage if your needs aren't met, if you aren't made happy, if circumstances don't fix themselves...being in a marriage with you would be like walking in a landmine field...

Your choice in what you believe, think, feel, perceive and your perspective is all yours...every moment, and has been all your life...choosing to pretend it isn't has brought you to devastating a family, a husband...because you refuse to own what is inherently yours.

Can you meet his needs? His deep need to know you will protect the marriage, even when you don't feel like protecting him? That you will not choose to attack the marriage, when you feel like attacking him?

I guarantee if you guys divorce that these choices will continue...be in every relationship you have...and your children will have them, too. These issues are in ourselves, we take them with us...everywhere. There is no right person...only being a great partner.

You are expecting your BH to do work...work on the marriage, himself...could this be the mindset which you had when you chose to have an affair? If he won't, I won't? How's that mindset working for you?

Why not put your ENs on the back burner as your BH had to do while you had an affair? Why not concentrate more on how you choose to live your life, right now, then on how he's living his?

My BH didn't communicate either...he was afraid of all I put on him...responsibility for MY happiness, to fight my fear, to comfort, ease, change my own feelings...that's crippling to communication and intimacy.

I stopped. I got safe...began to learn my power of choice...own my own stuff...and stopped judging his stuff...injected respect. Cleared out my resentment I had created and accumulated throught our marriage...and decided to not create new resentment.

You can choose to do this, too. So many have here at MB...to get to the place where ENs can be known and met...and we're still responsible, ultimately, for what we believe we need, making sure we do not require others to meet them when we do not meet them at all in ourselves.

Key to everything for me was understanding and eliminating DJs...Love Busters block it all...affect all of our stuff.

If you don't know in your heart you won't tear the living heart out of others...please do not be in another relationship. You can only control your choices, your stuff. If you refuse to not control it, then you are a dangerous partner for anyone.

I'm sure on this. I was.

LA

You don't know in your heart you will never do this again? Are you kidding me?! If my wife were to ever convey that to me somehow, I would run and never look back! You have been conveying that since I first saw this thread.
Time to get your head out and decide what you want.
Your husband obviously read right through your fogged out bs.
You have a choice to make here and I pray you make the right one, for all involved. Yes, including you.

I can understand how this happens to people the first time. But after the pain and heartbreak it causes to the spouse and children, I'm amazed that you can say this now.

If this is where you are. Where your relationship needs are more important than family and honor, I wish you the best of luck. Keep in mind, the man who will join you on this journey will be of no moral fiber as well.

After looking at your email to your husband, I'm not suprised at his reaction. It seems selfish and negative. Not thinking about the children when making a decision like this is idiotic. I'd like to go buy a Lexus after not thinking about my empty bank account too...

If you base this decision on how you feel now, how silly that would be. Love is gained as quickly as it is lost. The emotions we feel change daily, as does our outlook on the future.

If my FWW had her way a year ago, we'd be divorced.

If she has her way today, we'll 'live together and love until the day we die'. Yes, that is a real quote.

Think about it.

McBecca - it's pointless to try to "explain" to a WS what a BS feels, so let me just tell you what I would have done if I had been the recipient of your "email" to your husband, and now this nonsensical rationalization and justification....

My wife and I would be divorced, not recovered, now.

Your email made me MAD, so I fully understand your husband's email to you.

Your selfishness continues and you want to blame him and make him out to be the "bad guy" in your affair..."You choose." Guess what? You already CHOSE divorce when you had the affair. Now you want a "perfect marriage???" There is no such thing.

There IS submission to your husband and his needs if you ever expect to get your needs met. Short that, he won't want to be married to someone who continues to put her own selfishness and desires ahead of him.

Doormat? Perhaps that's what you are thinking I mean.

Yes, you can call it that for a while, but you have LOTS of "earning back" to do before you can regain "equal footing." Denying that fact is NOT being truly repentant for what you did and IS simply "expecting" him to go along with you.

The bottom line...you already divorced him. Now he is merely reaching the point where he is willing to agree with your previous choice rather than continuing to hope that you will change.

IF you truly want to save your marriage, YOU had better do some real changing, and do it fast.

There are no "guarantees in life." There is no "try." There is only DO....CHOOSE. Choose love, or choose self, but you can't have it both ways.

Good luck.

Becca - You have a chance to save your marriage to an honorable man who would love and support a child of your affair.

On the other hand, you have a chance with a man who fathered the child, who is willing to give up his rights (READ THAT - PAY NO CHILD SUPPORT FOR 18 YEARS).

I agree that you need to get rid of your counselor too. She obviously knows nothing about marriage or family building.

I would have wanted a divorce if I were your husband after reading that. And don't say you "CAN'T" be faithful, say you WON'T be faithful.

McBecca - Please ask your husband to send me an email at my address below. I would love to try and help him if he won't come here.

If I got that email from gemela right now, it would be the last nail in the coffin. What a selfish attitude. It is still all about you. Any divorce is not your decision nor your fault. OTOH, it is his responsibility to make YOU happy in the M. You just don't get it do you?

McBecca - actually, you please email me and give him my email address and I will email him if that would make him more comfortable.

I would like you to explain more of this to us.

Why do you think your H had to parent you? Are you failing to perform your end of the deal in this M? Do you even know what YOU were supposed to do? Do you have any ideas what his EN are?

We can get to him later, right now it only you that you can change.


This is simple. IT”S A CHOICE!

I have done the same stupid things you have and babbled the same horse hockey.
It’s actions that define us and by what we are judged by. You CAN CHOOSE TO DO THE RIGHT THING. Your FAMILY is depending on it!


Change he for she and that is exactly what I thought about my W. Point being, don’t worry about him, that will come. You worry about what YOU need to do to get this M back on track. Don’t be guilty of what I did in a half assed way to try and fix things. It just takes longer to get back on track. Start filling his Love Bank TODAY!!!!!

There was something inside you that kept you at home. Whatever that something was, use it as faith that you are going to make your family work! Become an expert at filling his Love Bank and I promise you he would willingly lay down his life for you. He will do ANYTHING for you!

This was the single hardest thing for me to face. I too needed help. When I really thought about it. My W was in no shape to play hero. I had to “Man Up” and find a path for us to work. Grit your teeth and suck it up. When you put your full effort into filling his Love Bank, you will be surprised has fast things can turn around.

I was lucky like you; I had a mate who wanted to work things out. She like your H was not sure how to go about things either. She just knew that she wanted to keep her family intact. Work with that like I did. Doing the “Right Thing” for a lack of a better expression IS the right thing to do!



Fire the counselor! It sounds like you went the same counselor my W and I went to.
They were full of it too! Next they will be discussing how to have an amicable divorce.
You would be better off talking to a lawyer who has seen the devastation that a divorce brings to the family. That WILL help you with this FOG problem.


I need to change Him for Her, but I would advise that you print this statement out and tape it to your mirror too!


Try writing a new letter, better yet, those here who are gifted writers may help put something together. Then you could sign it and give that to him.

Your looking for him to do something that he just cannot do right now. He is on his knees. It is time for YOU to take the LEAD and save this M. He will then RESPECT you enough so that you no longer feel like the child. You will also no longer be acting like one!

I wish you well,

TH

McBecca,

My opinion, for what it is worth.

EVERY WS can save EVERY M if their attitude is

"Whatever it takes for as long as it takes"

It might help us to interpret your husband's message more clearly if we knew where in the timeline of discovery/recovery you all are.

How long has he known about the affair? How old is the baby and when did you find out the OM was her father? Has there ever been no contact with the OM? ARe you committed to the marriage?

From reading this and other infidelity boards, I can tell you that people react very differently at different points along the way.

Becca,
I haven't posted to you before because as a BS about to be divorced, I didn't see what I coud add.

But this comment struck a cord with me--my stbxh said the same thing as this, and yes, it was very hurtful. Very. He also said he was afraid he would be settling for me.

And even after these comments, I wanted to fight for my marriage, because i was a committed, good wife hands down--but more importantly I had two boys(and one more on the way) who I wanted an intact family for.

But he just kept (and still does admist his occasional undying love confessions made between visits to OW) the focus on himself and his feelings. There was zero personal responsibility. Zero. It was like he hurt more for the hurt he caused to himself, rather than to me and his boys.

I see you headed downthis same path. I don't want you to. It's miserable. I am sure my stbxh inside is miserable--always needing something else to fill him up. A horrid existence.

You can fight this. You have us here at MB--who can guide you to fight--but first, you have to pull up them big girl panties and take more responsibilty. That is truthfully what your BH needs to here--none of this moving on stuff.

You don't move on from infidelity however your marriage ends up--you fight your way through it. There is pain in the offering. Pain. Pain. Pain. But worth it.

I am about to be divorced, as I said. He filed. He still does not get it. And I feel truly free and that I am making the right decision now--but you have the chance to really CHOOSE to do the right things here.

Your letter should have said something like this:

BH,
I realize you might want to just call it quits and move on. I know I can prove to you--not through my words, but my actions. I want and desire to show you that I want to cherish you and NEVER HURT YOU OR MY FAMILY again. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel safe.

I feel for this whole family--your whole family--because I can just see and relive the same selfishness that has guided my WH in this path. It's horrid and senseless but all his own making. He is selfish--a narcissist--and only he can choose to change.

I hope you, Becca, choose the right thing here. Don't take the easy route out anymore. Clean up the mess you made.

INTEXAS

during our false recovery, my H spent 8 months swearing he would rather die than to hurt me in that way again....he called the OW a wh*re and said he couldn't believe what he did

then it changed to "i'm not sure i won't do this to you again....how can i be sure?" and "i'd rather move away and live alone than ever hurt you in that way again"

our "recovery" wasn't working anymore and i didn't know why....i was trying so hard

as it turns out, by then he was already seeing that same OW/wh*re again and he did end up moving away...but not to live alone because he lived with her

he destroyed me 1st by cheating and then again by lieing about his ability to recommit to our marraige and to COMMIT to never crossing that line again

so when he did the same thing and even worse....left to be with her

he destroyed me.....it's been over 2 years and the pain is like a knife in my heart still today

FIDELITY is a CHOICE...it doesn't happen by chance...
RECOVERY is also a CHOICE...
recovery is only possible when you CHOOSE to put your marraige first...you CHOOSE to do the hard work...you CHOOSE not to consider D or an A as an option EVER again....

either make a DECISION to be faithful and COMMIT to making your marraige work......or move on

my opinion anyway

Gotta say this could not be said better Eav. Cake eating and fence walking are painful poison.

Well Becca,
I"d say you are getting some consistent feedback about your letter and you could pretty much randomly choose any of the above responses and will be told the same thing.
Time to step up and save your marriage. YOU. TIME IS NOW. MB can help, but MB is waiting to hear you say you want it...

Cynemica (sp.) said it the best (and most simple) way for you to embrace when he told you that all WS have the opportunity to save their marriage if they will adopt the attitude:

"I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes"

Tell and show your husband this message consistently and you will see a different man (if it isn't too late)

Heartsore

Becca, what is stopping you divorcing. I would have thought you'd be relieved he's set you free and you and the OM can ride off into the sunset together.

Is it because you DO feel something for your H? Is it because you DO think you can make your marriage a good marriage?

Becca - understanding "who" wrote the e-mail to your husband might help you further in recovery than anything else.

That was clearly written by your taker - and you posted later about your needs clearly not being met by your husband - as if that should be pre-requisite for you to do everything within your power for the sake of your children, your husband and yourself to restore your marriage...

Once you figure out that it was your taker who failed to do the right thing by your husband each and every time the opportunity came up, and you work with Dr. Harley to put your taker "at ease" (soldier talk) while your giver works within Harley's principles to allow your husband time to heal, no matter what the outcome; you choose to finally do the right thing.

Your taker - premeditated resentments and "conditions" will NEVER do the right thing just because it's the right thing to do. It will always ask "what's in it for me" which is basically what you've asked here. Which is why the strong responses by so many. Wrong question to be asking right now... unless you want to throw away your children and your husband and run back to the OM and the fantasy you have there.

Becca,
What KaylaAndy said. DITTO.
HS