I love this.

Good job,

Together draft and prepare a "no contact" letter. BH may balk at that a tad because he wants "no contact" NOW, however, the only way to make it clear to OM that you and your BH are both on board with ending the contact the better. You likely need to establish that OM only contact BH about the issues of the OC and provide him with an email address. That YOU will forever be out of the communication loop.

I wouldn't address lawyers and the custody issues immediately in this letter as OM is likely in withdrawal himself and perhaps will create waves on this issue just to establish and/or maintain some sort of relevance and contact with you. Just focus on the marriage. Search out other "no contact" letters here on MB. Post your draft for input and get it done. The sooner the better.

Then in a month or so have your husband get with an attorney to start the process of having rights signed over. The attorney may advise that you just wait the 2 year period and not push the issue at all. Depends on the state, money and OM's receptiveness at that time.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

I am so happy to read this. Your H is my hero right now. Remember one day at a time and one foot in front of the other. If you maintain NC in about 8 weeks you will read the words you wrote about OM and cringe, I guarentee it. Keep it up, McB!

McB,

What did he tell you he needed? Write it down, and write it down here. Then take the list to him and ask him if you have forgotten or misheard anything he has said.

You two will need to make sure you are on the same page. You have made some terrible disrespectful judgements of your man, but in recovery and possibly even earlier he has no doubt done the same. He has NOT really known what was going on all of this time.

Start this by the two of you being on the same page with respect to understanding what he needs right now, and what you want right now. You know he wants you or he would not be there. He does not know yet if you really want to be with him. That will take awhile.

So start by making sure you BOTH understand what has been said to you.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

This was the first HUGE turnaround for the Wookie. You'll be amazed at the difference it will make.

I'm so relieved for you and your family.

Again, if you need to vent or talk, you can reach out to me.

niosgirlatyahoodotcom

Many, many hugs,
Kimmy

McBecca- I am so so happy for you and your family. This is the best thing that I could have read today.

excellent

doing the tough stuff makes you a good person

Pep

Becca,
You won't regret doing the right thing. Nobody EVER does!
Heartsore

You are right, I do need to think about that. BH may not want it at all or I bet he may want to send him the NC letter himself!!! that might not be a bad idea..... OM will defenitely get the idea if he sees it that it doesn't just come from me.

Ok... I need to find some examples of NC letters that include OC info.

I will talk to BH FIRST!!! no more making decisions on my own.... not for a while.....

Thanks Mr and Mrs Wondering and EVERYONE here!!

B

Usually YOU sign the No Contact letter otherwise OM doesn't believe it.

You draft it off advice given here. Post it for reveiw and revision. Show it to BH and get his approval, then put it in an envelope and BH mails it or sends it from your email account (with a cc to husbands email)(maybe together you hit send).

Ours including a provision stating that any and all future contact should be directed to BH's email. That he shouldn't bother sending ANY email to your email address since it will henceforth be forwarded UNREAD to BH.

We'll help you revise it but the biggest mistake WS's make is trying to express feelings and concern for OM at all. This letter is NOT about ending the affair...it's about rebuilding a marriage and establishing the NO CONTACT forever demand and guidelines for the same. OM's feelings are NOT your concern.

Somebody please post a form for McBecca to utilize.

Mr. Wondering

good for you!!!

I forward the email to BS, I knew this would happen. I was prepared and so was BS. So now we certainly need to do a NC letter. I need help figuring out what to say and what not to say. Remember, we have a child involved here, she is 4 months old and this is what his latest email says (I will post a copy of his email below). BS and I talked briefly this morning after he read the email (he is traveling right now so he doens't want to send the NC letter until he returns but wanted me to post here asking for ideas/help/suggestions).

Now... if you read this email, you may even feel sorry for OM. However, this email comes about a month after a furious email where he said all kinds of horrible thngs, accussing me of everything under the sun and even telling me how he does not give a rip about my two other children and how he was even willing to sign off his rights if I did not return to the state where he lives so he can be with his DD.

For those who have followed my saga... here is the latest email:

Hello XXXX (WS),



How are you doing today? I hope better than me. I am missing OC, more than ever. I can’t stop seeing things in our everyday world that reminds me of what I am missing and what I am going to be missing in the future. I went to a wedding this weekend. Watching the “Father” give away the bride. Watching the Father get the first dance after the bride and groom. All I could ask myself, am I going to be the one to do this for OC?



How is OC doing? I hope she is very healthy and a happy little baby. I think about her everyday. I want to know my daughter. I am not sure if you are ever coming back, and I can no longer stress myself over this. If you do you do, if you don’t you don’t. As soon as I come up with the money (almost there), I am going to go ahead and attempt to get my paternity established to OC. Then I will get my custododial rights. I will then live with seeing her when I can. I can’t live without OC much longer.



Nothing even seems real anymore. All that matters to me is my little girl. “Daddy’s little girl”



I would give anything in this world to just hold her again. When I speak to God at night, I ask him the 5 same questions. And silence is all I get, but one day I hope they get answered.



Why did you want to give me a child and not let me be with her?
Why did you promise me you would never keep her away?
Why did you stay married to him really, I mean the pregnancy was the only reason right?
Why were you so upset to know that this could have been his child? He is the one that gets to spend everyday with her.


The main question is this.

Will I ever see OC again? If so, when?




I don’t want you to answer any of the above questions, I have decided to let God handle this. I pray for OC's well being also. As painful as it may be, I would appreciate any new pictures you may have.



I was wondering If there was anyway I could see her on a webcam or something? Can we please set this up? I will buy the webcam for you if you need me to. I would like to see her actually moving. I love that little girl. I love her so much. I just want to be with her again L.



I hope all is going well. Take Care and hope to hear back from you regarding OC.

This is all a bunch of crap.

He has transferred his affair fantasy into a fatherhood fantasy.

Becca...you should not be reading his emails.

What part of this do you not understand?

Fwd them to your H or your attorney or both but they should bypass you entirely.

Set your affair withdrawl marker back to square one.

Again.

I find it ironic that he assisted in such a sin then blames God for the consequences.

(shrugs)

Word are just tones moving in air. Actions truly speak.

His reference to the law figuring it out is a thinly veiled attempt to scare you. He has done NOTHING yet that is tangible.

Our lawyer took payments and began our case immediately...hmmmm....I don't think OUR lawyer is out of the norm...but I could be mistaken.

As for seeing mija...The OW in our sitch used/uses the children in order to contact my husband. That's the only reason she calls...

And...if he can buy a webcam, why doesn't he have the $ for the lawyer?? Could it be because he's not SEEN a lawyer yet??? Hmm.

I know. I'm jaded as all get out.

Wait for your dear hubby to get home and get that NC letter sent girly.

Am praying for you and your o'hana!

- Kimmy

And Noodle is nearly always correct...

Please set any emails from him to autoforward to your attorney and your dear husband.

- Kimmy

Here's a FWWs opinion...everything everyone here has said is right on.

My transgressions over the course of Jan - May included 2 EA's. Since then, this is what I have gathered from my own situation and what my H needs to aid in his recovery.

You have to actively accept all responsibility for your actions. No matter how sh1tty the marriage was prior, that is no excuse. No one deserves to be hurt that way. You have to communicate this to H very clearly.

You have to want your M to work...you have to show by your words/actions that this is what you want more than anything. You have to be very sorry, sorrier than you have ever been for anything ever in your whole life. He needs to see it in your face, becca.

What this means for you, is that you will be overcome by an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame by finally taking ownership of the horror you have created. But that is what is required for you to truly begin your recovery and then hopefully for your marriage as well.

I hope I haven't sounded too harsh, but this comes from the voice of experience. For your family's sake, and the sake of that innocent little girl, I hope things do work out. And on another note, I hope you make great efforts to make sure this child understands (and the other children as well) that she is not responsible for the breakup of the family, if that does indeed occur.

Think long and hard and good luck.

Actually, I feel angry that he is changing his "tune" sort of speak.... I already sent the email to BS and he wants to put someting together with both of our names on it BUT sent from his mailbox also indicating any further communication needs to go through him and not me.

The only thing BS and I are not sure is if we should have our attorney ALSO send him a letter indicating any further contact should go through her insteaf of us at all. What do you guys think??

B

Actually he's done more by openning his big mouth every time we talked and making sure to blame me for everything!!! he has not taken any responsibility in this and still wants to try to guilt me into giving him access to our DD. If he truly wanted to be in her life he would have done it (legally) by now!!! for goodness sake, he complaint about the cost of gas when I asked him early on to travel here to see her if he wanted to (this is before BS and I decided to work in our marriage!).

He knows what to say to get to me.... unfortunately, BS is filling my needs so much these days, nothing is getting through and I feel nothing but regret as far as OM is concern!!

Becca

let your lawyer handle everything at this point. NC should remain in effect even if the father is granted some custodial rights.

Legally important:

Do not set any precedent (regarding contact with OC or with you) his attorney can later use in court.

All contact and any agreements, even temporary ones, must be through your attorney.

Becca,

Why did you read his email? If you can't autoforward, then delete them without reading them. Do NOT read them...your choice...this is a drama injection...which may have been your pattern before...break that pattern.

I'm delighted to know you're working on this with your BH, that you're letting him meet your ENs and aware of them. And you thought we'd feel sorry for OM from his email? It is totally wayward talk without one shred of true caring for your DD...all about him, his desires, needs, etc...which is what he calls love. I know you got that...the blame-shifting, the me-me-me stuff...I have faith your fog is cut through...now, please do not read anything he emails....and again, I really wish you'd change your email.

LA