First of all, I'd like to say hello to all the MB people both new and old.

My current situtation is as posted here:
EeyoreLost's Posting

and for you MB veterans I was on here a long time ago with this situation:
Someone please Help "Us"

So as you see I have been a BS and now am the WS... Which means now I have been on both "sides" if you will.

any Questions, Comments, or Suggestions are helpful.

Thank You all in advance.

you are EeyoreLost spouse?

Hi Torizo, I too have been "on both sides". Quit your job! I can see the situation is causing your BW much distress.

Yes Pepper I Am EeyoreLost's Spouse.

Yes, Torizo is my "WH".

Faithful... As much as that would solve everything... well, not everything. Quitting is not an option at this point as I am making 75% of my current household income. So, In that respect I am "stuck" at my current job, hence Why I want to transfer to another location in my company.

I just posted to your wife's thread, Tor...

And in it, I put words in your mouth.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Would you tell us what you said in response to your boss saying that she wouldn't work the schedules so you and OW would stay separate and then DJ'd you, saying that your wife should just get over it?

And...

You had REDHAT posting to you...omg...and you're now back? I didn't think that was possible!!

As you can see in my sigline...I've been in your shoes...just after MB, I will never be in those shoes again. They no longer fit.

LA

LA: In response I told my bos in a letter that I would like to be transferred to another store, or the schedule be changed so that me and OW do not work together... or else it leaves me no choice but to find another job. She was given 3 weeks to "comply" (This week +2)

As for the getting over it part, I am at a loss as to what to do. I am going to go over the Managers head (Since she is obviousely part of the problem) and going to talk to the District Manager on Thursday Morning. We'll see what happens.

Torizo:

Let me get this straight. You were a betrayed spouse in 2002. You went to live with an old friend, her husband, and their 3 children while you were trying to sort out your marriage. You mentioned this in your old thread.

You eventually got a divorce.

What happened to the old friend you were living with? Is this old friend now your wife? Why did her marriage end?

Thank you, Tor...my question was what did you say when your boss DJ'd you and your wife? Practicing open and honest statements really helps during this stressful time, I found.

"You are assuming my wife is making me request this, is that correct?"

And find out from an attorney what laws your company is breaking...affairs between coworkers creates a hostile work environment (I know you're experiencing this) and they are liable if they do NOT take action, I believe.

Find the facts out for your state.

I'm not advising you to quit just yet...given your marital history of infidelity, I think there is something important in this for you...I could be way off...but however we get to where we finally "get it" is worth the roadkill, IMO.

Thank you for being back here.

LA

LA: I assume DJ is disrespectfully judged??? All I said at that time is that it doesn't matter the reasons for wanting a transfer, I know I screwed up and "crossed a line" but wheter it is my fault or not, I would like you to do something about it, I.e. transfer or change schedule.

Attorney: We lack money at this time (at least the money for a lawyer) I'm up for free legal council, but unsure where to turn.

""given your marital history of infidelity, I think there is something important in this for you""

I think that is absolutely true.

Hi Saturn, it's the BS here. While he is in response to another poster, I'll shed some light on your questions.

Torizo, after his wife left, moved in with my ex husband, my children and I. What he didn't realize at the time, is that my ex husband and I were in the midst of trying to seperate, but couldn't due to him having nowhere to go. My ex was already told it was over, was given his walking papers and was awaiting availablity of a place to go.

While Torizo was there, he witnessed my ex leave. THEN he was told all that happened. I kept him in the dark over this because Torizo and I have been friends for so long, and he was always my protector as I grew up. I didn't want him to get involved with the drama as he had his own stuff to deal with.

After my ex moved out, we found eachother getting closer together. We leaned on eachother like we did growning up as we both processed our failed marriages. Several months later we both discovered changed feelings toward eachother and started our own relationship together. It's been happily ever after ever since.. up til this event.

We have a deep history and friendship first and foremost which grew to a very loving respect for eachother romantically. We fell head over heels in love. We still are very much in love. We have living like we were married ever since then, and are treating this relationship like a marriage. When the A happened, we decided together that this is not a "disposable" relationship like other boyfriend/girlfriends' are. We would seek out a physical marriage counselor, but they do not take us seriously since we're not legally married. Money is also a huge factor in this as well.

Man, that went a little longer then I thought, but I hope it brings the whole story to light some.

Thanks for asking <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Eeyore,
Thank you for responding to my question, but I'm very sorry to hear your answer.

It doesn't matter that your Exhusband and you were having problems when Torizo moved in. In your signature line, you tell us that your un-official marriage/romance began at the same time he moved in with you, according to his old post. This suggests to me that you and Torizo had at least an emotional attachment while you and he were still married to your first spouses.

This makes you guys involved in an "affair marriage", which has a very slim chance of success. The reason your relationship will be an uphill battle is because it is based on betrayal and dishonor.

I'm sorry that is harsh. But, ask yourself: if Torizo would cheat WITH you, then why are you surprised that he would also cheat ON you with someone else?

I do hope you and Torizo can turn this around. You both need to look deep inside and fix some fundamental problems within yourselves.

If a marriage counselor won't see you, then go to an individual counselor. I think you each need it. And: if you love each other, then get married. It really doesn't cost much to go to the justice of the peace.

Good luck to both of you.

so

you are NOT married

and cheating/infidelity has already stained this relationship

I wonder where this is going .....

Pep

but UNmarried is not a husband/spouse

right?

Pep

I might not be entirely clear in that situation. I didn't give all the details.. but no, we did not cheat with eachother. My marriage to my ex ended nearly a year (about 9.5 months) before Torizo moved in. He cheated 3 times, and was abusive physically and emotionally. I "allowed" my ex to remain in the home out of my heart and not wanting to many ANY person homeless. He was awaiting the ability to have a place to enter. He then left. Torizo and I's "unoffical" anniversary is the reconciliation date of our friendship. We do not have an actual day that we realized we moved from friendship to romantic relationship. We used his move in date to signify this. That day is a day we honor that our friendship that had a 3 year absense due to his marriage and mine was rekindled. I assure you, I had nothing but platonic feelings toward Torizo up until SOMETIME AFTER my ex had left.

For the record, my ex and I went through marital counseling, religious counseling, and family therepy before we realized that he was not going to change the way he was going to treat me and THAT was the inevitable end to our relationship. We are still friends to this day, and have come to realize that our failed marriage was the result of imaturity, lack of REAL love toward one another, and his abuse/adultery. We also realized that we would have never gotten married in the first place if it wasn't for the fact he went into the service, and we have a child with heart conditions that require the medical insurance that was only available to the recruit's legal family. So, we did a quick justice center marriage so we could recieve the beneifits spouses get. The counseling and attempt at repair happened even years before I even knew Torizo's whereabouts. Torizo and I lost contact after I got married. He got married about a year after I did. So 3-4 years went by with no contact whatsoever.

My divorce has been official for only a few months. Neither I nor my ex could afford it until April. Even though we were both living apart, and dating other people for the last 4 years. He is now engaged and happy in his life, and I am happy for him.

As for Torizo, his ex spouse is responsible for the monetary responsibility of the divorce. (We both strongly feel that the person who initiated the actions that lead to the destruction of the marriage, is the one responsible to foot the bill) She is not yet able to afford it, so he is still not legally divorced.

As for Torizo and I... we do not need a legally binding document to tell us how we feel for eachother. Marriage is more then a lousy piece of paper with a embossed stamp on it and a pair of rings. It lies deep within us. We will get married once we have the means to do so, and his divorce is legal. We both agree that we have a picture in our heads as how we wish to share with the world our marital bond, and we intend to do it right, as this marriage will be our final marriage.

I hope that brings more things to light. I'm sorry it wasn't mentioned earlier, but I didn't feel that my old "dirty laundry" was even part of this situation.

oh, but it is

it speaks volumes

best of luck to you


Pep

So, let me get this straight.

I've been judged based on a mistake I made before I was mature enough to know what real love is, and got married too young.

I've been judged because you assume that I got with Torizo based on an "affair"

All I have to say in response to this is:
THERE IS ONLY ONE TRUE JUDGE

I find it really sad that no-body can remember the feelings you had toward your spouse the day/week/month before official vows have been spoke in front of someone who can "Legalize" your relationship. Just because a peice of paper doesn't say it, means that my feelings toward someone cannot be valid? Well, let me get out my crayons so I can make you feel better in seeing our level of seriousness towards our relationship. Seriously, Pep it IS possible to be in that marital bond without legal documents. Just as it's possible to be done with a marriage without a legal document.

I came here to be with people who knew what it was like to be a BS. I came here to help fix our relationship before it crumbled over things that are difficult but fixable. I read HNHN and strongly agree with it's teachings and was extatic to learn about this community.

I guess, just as marital counseling has shown... with you, that a relationship means nothing unless there is a physical document to prove your bond. I got news for you, a wedding is only a service to share with the world your feelings. A marriage certificate is still but a piece of paper to prove that your bond is legally binding.

I wear a ring on my finger, we share an address, he shows my children unconditional love, we pay bills together, we share a bed and a room, we share a bond that even an affair did not shatter. We came here to fix whatever might have been lost, as to make a rock solid life together.

All that we lack is a piece of dead tree.

So I guess we will get zero support or advice until I can validate my relationship to you? Pity. I thought that I could really learn something from this, guess the only thing I learned is that the sanctity of marriage has gotten lost in legal mumbo jumbo.

what I think is not important

best of luck to you

this is not my cup of tea ... I wish you well

Pep

Question: Did both of you at any particular time publicly vow to yourselves and each other that you would "forsake all others"? Did both of you at any particular time publicly vow to love and honour each other in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, until parted by death?

There's lots more to an M than just "a piece of dead tree"...