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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 805
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 805 |
I thought that I could really learn something from this, guess the only thing I learned is that the sanctity of marriage has gotten lost in legal mumbo jumbo. I think you CAN learn something from this. I don't think you should assume that you are not taken seriously. But the thing about this forum is that it forces people to change their perspectives about THEMSELVES and their ACTIONS in their relationship. There are many people here that are not legally married, but find the MB principles to be helpful in their romantic relationships. You are getting some honest feedback here, and you seem to be unwilling to listen. Also, you are making some disrespectful statements about marriage vows in your posts. Many people here hold those vows to be sacred, so if you want help for your situation please stop all comments about dead trees and scraps of paper. If you are serious about wanting help, I suggest that you start over. Begin a new thread if you want. In your fresh start, explain what is wrong in your relationship, what changes you would like to see, and what YOU are willing to take responsibility for. So far you are just blaming OW, Torizo, your ex-husband, and your boss for your problems. What is YOUR role in all this? If you can identify that, then you have a better chance. Good luck.
Me: 45
Him: 47
married 23 years
Two wonderful sons
D-day for my EA: 8/15/04
D-day for his PAs: 8/16/06
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970 |
To EL and Tor,
I believe this is really important...and I see others here do, too...that you understand that origins matter...
Torizo...can you tell me why you did not fight for your marriage like EL is doing so now, for your relationship?
Can you see how important this disparity is and will increasingly become?
EL...can you see that the boundaries you live by are the only ones you can enforce? If you are not married because his divorce was not final until this year...can you see where OW can legitimately believe that she was not doing anything you didn't do?
Marriage matters...it is an institutional boundary. That we wreck it, stretch and snap it doesn't make it anything else. It remains a real, verifiable, publicly acknowledgment commitment...takes witnesses...because as humans, our whims, reactivity and slow growth needs it as the boundary it is...and it seems to me, that both of you decided that it was what was in your hearts, not your marriages, that was the boundary...the evidence of marriage.
Can you see how that isn't a boundary? Either of you may enter into an affair at any time because of you choose to believe your emotions are real, not boundaries. There is no protection of the relationship...just a lot of wishing.
Coming to terms with what you each did, why you did it and what comes now...will determine how your lives go...together or separately.
I hope you will read each post with an open mind...know if you feel defensive, that doesn't necessarily mean you're being attacked...you feel it...it's a signal...and look inward and consider these crucial questions.
LA
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 30
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 30 |
To EL and Tor,
I believe this is really important...and I see others here do, too...that you understand that origins matter...
EL...can you see that the boundaries you live by are the only ones you can enforce? If you are not married because his divorce was not final until this year...can you see where OW can legitimately believe that she was not doing anything you didn't do?
[color:"purple"]See, OW does not know of anything about him besides what she learned post A. She litereally knows nothing. We are also digging into info to learn when exactly OW even knew about me. [/color]
[color:"purple"]We are not married because his divorce is still not final and we cannot afford to have a wedding at this time. My divorce was the one that just was finalized. [/color]
Marriage matters...it is an institutional boundary. That we wreck it, stretch and snap it doesn't make it anything else. It remains a real, verifiable, publicly acknowledgment commitment...takes witnesses...because as humans, our whims, reactivity and slow growth needs it as the boundary it is...and it seems to me, that both of you decided that it was what was in your hearts, not your marriages, that was the boundary...the evidence of marriage.
[color:"purple"]I agree wholeheartedly, I didn't mean to offed others by my comments in earlier posts. If I did I apologize, it surely was not my intention. I have a tender area for people not respecting our relationship just because it lacks the ceremony. We will be married eventually, but waiting for the divorce and money to do so is a barrier at the present time. I don't want a courthouse wedding again, it seemed so very unemotional and detached from what we beleive marriage is. [/color]
Can you see how that isn't a boundary? Either of you may enter into an affair at any time because of you choose to believe your emotions are real, not boundaries. There is no protection of the relationship...just a lot of wishing.
[color:"purple"]I see your point, there is no legal or ethical boundries with this "self marriage" thought. It was how we made our commitment to eachother until we can do it right. [/color]
I hope you will read each post with an open mind...know if you feel defensive, that doesn't necessarily mean you're being attacked...you feel it...it's a signal...and look inward and consider these crucial questions.
[color:"purple"]Again, I apologize for getting on the defensive. I do have problems with people taking my emotions and honor to my situation as not important because we are not officially wed. We had a really bad expericance here with that very same idea about 18months ago. I will take great care in making sure that I use a more open mind with advice, constructive criticism, and ideas in the future. [/color]
Eeyore - me - BS
3 DS's 9,7,5 (from previous marriage)
15 yr friendship/4 year romance
10/23/02 Our "makeshift" Aniversary
8/30/06 OW/WF begin EA
9/3/06 EA Discovered, confronted
9/6/06 PA Admitted
9/13/06 NC begins!!!
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