We've been married for 15 years, 3 kids and I thought was a happy marriage.
In Oct. of 05 she wanted to separate. After talking it over she decided to try and work it out. August 1, 06 she left for what she said was a trial separation. I didn't want it. I just found out 2 weeks ago that she had a affair with a coworker and he was on her softball team. I just put 2 and 2 together and I found out that in Oct. 05 is when all of this started with OM. She left me and the kids to move in with a friend, now he lives there also. I want W to come home but she refuses. She says she don't ever want to come home even if the affair don't work out. I have asked her to go to counseling, but no. She wont talk to me unless I get her mad. I know some of her issues but I can't trust them because she says one thing and does another. I love her and want her to give it another try. Everytime when I would see her I would start a fight. I know what I was doing, I just couldn't control it. Now I can. After I put it all together I was able to cope with it. I am in the process of informing everyone about the affair including her coworkers and her bosses. That was hard to do. I don't know what to do. Please help

Welcome to marriage builders. I'm glad you have found us.

You are doing the right thing by exposing the affair. Is the other man married? If so, expose to his wife also.

Plan A is the starting point. Please read all about it. It is about showing her what a good husband you can be with no disrespectful judgments or angry outbursts.

How much is she involved with your children? Does she pay child support?

rdmd,

Do you two have children? If so who is caring for them? I second the advice to do a lot of reading here, and then ask lots of questions. The part you NEED to truly understand is that there is little you can do while the affair is going on.

Harley's point is that most affairs end, and if the betrayed spouse can hang in there the marriage can be rebuilt. REad about plan A and plan B and remember this is about weighting out the affair while also planting some seeds of hope in your W.

While you are doing this, do an inventory of your behaviors and see if some of them need to be changed, and do that. It is not really for her although she may think that, the changes are for YOU, and either this relationship or the next one.

If you do have children be the best Dad you can be and take good care of them. You will never regret becoming closer to your kids if you have any.

So read, ask, talk, and develop a plan for addressing all of this. That is what this site is all about.

God Bless,

JL

thank you for replying.

We have 3 kids, D14, S13, D10. She and I have a visitation worked out for when she can see them. She is doing ok with that, hasn't missed a day yet. And yes she gives me child support. I've been reading these forums for a long time, but until I could control the anger and hurt the only part of plan A I could do was tell everyone. I've already started the changes that after months of thinking I realized what I was doing. My kids say that I've changed alot. I couldn't tell how much until my nephew told me how much. All I get from her is that I'm comtrolling and I treat her like a kid. I don't see that. I do take care of everything in the house. I cook, clean, take care of the kids and the yard. She works 3rd shift so she sleeps all day. The only time we really spent together was on weekends. that was when she didn't go out. She told me she goes out alot to get away from me. I don't understand that.
She has told me "we've burned to many bridges" for her to come back. I don't know what that means. I think it's because she lied to me so much over the last 10 months. But she likes to say one thing and do another. The letter that I wrote to her bosses should get there tomorrow. I told them everything. One to plant mangager, operations manager, and human resorces manager. I didn't want to do that but if telling all of them puts a wedge between her and him, so be it. I am prepared for the rath when I see her again.

I do tell my kids almost everything. They are involved in this also and they have there own opinion. They want her to come home and try just try.

Right now she isn't being a W or mother. So you need to know how to treat her as such. Please read Surviving an Affair along with His needs/Her needs. Both are by Dr. Harley. Also the book Love must be tough by Dobson is good.

You have exposed and she is claiming you are treating her like a kid. Well if you are doing all, maybe you are. Have you ever considered lessening your giver and upping your taker? Go find Dr. Harley's book Giver/Taker and see if you can see where doing less maybe getting more in return. In the interim, you will have less. The children may have to do more but that will also lessen her excuse that you treat her like a child.

Make a back up plan for your children (teach them how to cook, clean, etc.) but don't do all for her. She wants to be treated as an adult, don't give her perks, give her work.

Learn to recognize her babble and kick it back to her. Don't let her give you her guilt.

The A is a selfish thing. When she spews babble, you can ask her if she really believes what she is babbling. Then tell her that you and the family will learn to be like her if that is the correct thing to do.

Frustrating a WS is a good thing. It just makes life miserable for a while but isn't it already miserable? Might as well do something that will bring real relief.

Keep your children involved so they are your support group and you are their's. They don't have to know all, but don't dismiss what they do know and observe. Don't discount their opinions. Pay attention, they will be your eyes and ears when you are not around.

take care,
L.

this is the letter i gave her.

I’ve just figured out why you’re so mad at me. Your not mad at me, you’re mad at yourself for what you are doing. I am at peace now that I know most of why and when. It all started in Oct. and Nov. of last year or around there. You started talking at work then on Party Poker, I think that is why you wanted to move out then. But you stayed to try and work on it but your heart wasn’t in it. I thank you for trying. When you see OM every night it is hard to not talk and build a relationship. You needed to quit your job if you really wanted to try. Then over time it turned into more and more. That is when I seen you on Party Poker and confronted you with who you were having an affair with. You were mad at me because you got caught. And that is why you wanted to move out again. Is this why you said we burned too many bridges? We can rebuild the bridges.

Is your deceit why you think you can’t come home and work on it. You still can if you quit Trane and never see him again. Even after all of that I am still willing to give it another try not just for me. It’s not that I can’t let go, it’s that I love you that much. Even after all that has been said and done, I still want you home for the kids and me. As far as what people may think, who cares. Not me. If we have to we can move back home. I feel you want to try, but how. I’ve hurt you by not being there for you, I know that now. We both have issues with each other, but they can be changed and I’m desperate to show you I can. You weren’t in love with me when we got together but over time fell so deeply in love with me I think we can do that again. I had strong feelings for you when we started dating and my love has grown and keeps growing every day. I was worried about getting hurt again so I kept my feelings locked up in the beginning and I didn’t do what I should have. But I let go of all my feelings, you just didn’t see that because of all the hurt that was built up. I would like to break your wall down and never build it up again. To do this we must talk about our problems with each other and if we can’t work it out on our own, then we get some help. And make a more loving and fulfilling life with you, the kids deserve that. The kids like the new me and this is how I will stay, I want a chance to show you.That is were I am right now. I’m not angry anymore because I know. I will accept some of the blame for this because if I was giving you what you needed you wouldn’t have to find it someplace else (emotionally and physically). I have already forgiven you for the affair, and now I know when and why, I forgive you for the lies. And you know I won’t rub it in if you come back. You don’t even have to think about that. Now you just have to forgive yourself.

As for what I say when I’m mad, you hurt me I was trying to do the same to you with words. I didn’t mean what I said. You will be able to see that over time.

I will continue to do what is best for the kids and what the kids want. I will continue to point things out that I don’t like with what you do with the kids (sleeping arrangements and leaving them etc.). I hope I don’t have to again. Think of them first because it is not your time with them it is there time with there mother.

I love you

Next time post any letter you intend to give/send to WW for comments.

This letter was ill-advised.

You are trying to speak to her rationally.

Foggy ones don't hear logic

Unfortunately, she'll SEE the love busters (LB's) in there...unfairly, those do still get through the fog and work against you.

It's OK. It was a mistake. We all made lots of them. Live and learn. You are here now. Trust the experienced people hear to help you. We've all been there done that.

Mr. Wondering

BTW, don't try to fix the mistake by making another one.

Don't recant the letter you sent or discuss it much UNLESS she brings it up.

Go forward from here.

Read, Read, Read.

Mr. W

1. Offering "forgiveness" prematurely just sounds desparate and needy.

2. Wayward spouses don't generally care to much about how you feel about things. It's all about THEIR feelings and THEIR addiction.

Mr. Wondering

that was my last letter to her. I'm still waiting for the rath from the letters that I sent to her job. I don't regret semding them. Unfortuelty if she get fired then I loose child support wich at this point I need. I have all the bills on just my income. I's not easy. Now I'm getting sick on top of all this. I've already lost 35 pounds in 1 1/2 months. I need encoragment to go on. Sometimes I just want to quit. My kids keep me going most of the time, it's when there not around that I have doubts

sorry for the misspellings

I suggest you go to the doc and get some anti-depressants. They REALLY work. You are the strong one, holding the family together, and your family NEEDS you. Thirty five pounds in a month and a half is too much!

Now that you have exposed, she will be FURIOUS, but it is the best thing to do to save your marriage. When she blows up, just let her know that you will do what is necessary to protect your family.

thank you for the replies.

When she calls me about the letters to her work, what do I say. I know she will be made at me and I don't want to make it worse.

I feel better now, but tonight when the kids go with her i will feel bad again

here is what I'm thinking and asking.

how often do wifes walk away from the kids?

she makes no effort to see them other than scheduled times, no calles to see them even though I offered to her anytime.

she wont call me at all.

when she picks up the kids, she stays in the car. wont come in to get them.

I asked her if she loves OM, she said no but is getting feelings for him.

she refusses joint counseling. she goes today for IC, don't know how that will go.

This is what I'm thinking of doing when I sell the house. I'm showing it today so keep fingers crossed. All of the contents of the house will be in storage before closing date. The kids and I want to go on vacation to NY to see my mom and family, I am thinking of not coming back. This is what I need to do for me and the kids. I need the support from people up home. I don't want to deceave the kids. I don't plan on telling them this because they will go to WW then she will run to the courts to get a order to stop me. Right now there is nothing in the courts of who has custody, it is an agreement between her and me. I already talked to a lawyer and the agreement isn't legal. My feelings are, she left the house and the kids. I need to do what is best for me so I can support the kids the best that I can. I now she fill follow if i did move back home. But that isn't the intent. After I find a place up there then I will have our things shipped up. The only family support that I have down here is my brother who doesn't care at all for my wife. So you already know what he thinks. I have no one down here.

Please give me some advise about all of this.

rdmd3,

Your life (and lives of your kids) are in chaos right now. You really want to think through the BIG decisions. This is a really big one. There will be consequences.
I know its difficult w/o support...but it sounds very risky to me that you might endanger future custody w/ the kids. Moving them w/o WW's knowledge or consent.

Change your subject title on your very first post. That will change the title of your entire thread and call out Mr. W...he's a lawyer.

how do I do that?

Go to the first post on your thread. Hit the "edit" button. When the text comes up delete the title in the subject box and type new title then scroll down and hit "change this post"

I did buy Surviving an Affair. and Her needs his needs. I know how to get her feelings back I just don't know how to get her to give me time. when i would see her up untill a week ago, I wasn't able to controll my outburst. i can now. she still wont give me the time. I was able to get her feelings back for me a couple of months ago but that was before I new she had someone else. i didn't keep up with it though. I went back to my old self. I just figured it out yesterday. How can I be so stupid to not see the signs.

Seems like you have a pattern, a routine, RD...nothing to do with stupidity. You chose to AO. Own it. You did it. You had to give yourself permission, feel entitled enough to do it...start there and see how you do it.

You really choose to beileve you get her feelings and lose them? Aren't they hers? Either she allows your influence or she doesn't?

Same for you?

Why didn't you keep up eliminating LBs because you don't like AOing? Keep up acting on your love because you love to love?

Humans don't do anything without a payoff...and not knowing what that payoff is keeps them caught in patterns they don't even like. Find your payoffs, and then see if they are real or not.

You can change your life, RD. You're capable, whole and marvelously made. You won't act it until you believe it.

LA

I am better at controling the questions. This morning I called her to see if she wanted to watch a movie with the kids and me tonigh. She said no, but we had a conversation not an argument.

Every day i remember something more that she lied about. i though i got over the lies for the most part. That is why i still have questions. I still love her though. I want her to want to come back home.

At the time when things were getting better i didn't know about the affair. Things were good for 2 months. We were going to the gym together then softball started and we stoped going. i didn't push the gym because she liked softball. At the time I didn't know that there was an affair going on but the OM was on the softball team. she started pulling away from me then. I didn't see it. i see everything now.

I can forgive and forget.

thinking back, I know I can make deposits if she will just spend time with me. I have to prove to her that I wont bring up the R eveytime I see her.

I just need the chance.