Why motivation does she have to 'want' to contact you? Seems you are filling that need for her at your expense. Is it working for you?

L.

I've gone a couple of weeks without calling her and when she picks up the kids I stay in the house. I don't know what to do to get her to talk to me. If I do nothing, I think she will just let things go the way they are. I know the longer this goes on the less I'm willing to deal with. And that scares me. I want W to want to talk to me and to try and work things out now that I know what she needs in a R. Should i just do nothing in regards to the R. Just let things go the way they are now? I do know that the longer she stays with him the more feelings she is getting, right now she don't love him but her feelings are getting stronger, that she told me.

I know that I need to start thinking that she wont come back. It is hard.

I will find out monday if my house is sold. If it is then I will make appt. with lawyer to see if I can leave the state and move home. Right now there is nothing in the courts of who has custody or anything. I beleive that if I go home (NY) she will follow me. That will get her away from him and it will give me a chance down the road to reconcile. I want to go home and i want to stay here (FL).

What ENs do you know you are filling for her? financial, etc.????

L.

the things I'm not filling that I didn't know I wasn't are romance. intamacy and time

When things were good in Dec. and Jan. those were the 3 things that I was doing and when things started to go bad again with her pulling away, I stopped. I didn't realise that was what I was doing untill I read all the books and was reading these forums

I was able to talk to a friend who is a lawyer. I can't move back home. If i go the courts can make me come back. I have no choice but to see her every week. I don't know how I will be able to handle that. I really miss her.

I've come to the realization that I have to file for custody and support. I will make appt. today and see what my options are. Maybe when she gets the papers she will snap out of the fog. wish me luck

i have an app. with lawyer on the 20th. I know what I need to find out.

As far as my wife goes how do I get her to talk to me. She wont call me on the phone. She wont come in when she gets the kids. She will talk to me if I call her. how can i work on plan A if she wont let me?

update:

I talked to lawyer yesterday and the only thing that I can do about custody is to file for D. I don't want to do that so the only other option is to let things go the way they are.

I called her to tell her I made appt. for counseling for the kids. The couseler wanted to talk to her before he talkes to the kids so she made appt. and never showed up. I couldn't wait for her anymore that was why I made the appt. After that our converstation got heated. OM and WS are getting an apartment together soon. She has no interest in coming home because she said there aren't any feelings for me. There hasn't been in a long time, she said.

I am only 2 months in to all of this, does it get any better?

I am worried that if I do nothing about custody she will get a 3 bedroom appartment and then try to take the kids. The only way that I can stop that is to file for divorce. But I don't want that.

What can i do? I need help.

AFAIK the only way to protect your rights and custody is through a divorce decree. Divorce doesn't mean your marriage is over and divorced couples do sometimes get back together after the affair dies. From what you describe of your WW's behavior, divorce might have good effect. You are only two months into this and I know that is really scary. At this stage, fear controls your inaction. What is different between divorce and what your WW is currently living? It is just a piece of paper. Your WW is already acting like she is divorced.

It has been a while since I wrote about my problems with WS. Here is an update. My letters to her employer seemed to work. WS and OM don’t work together anymore; they work in separate areas of the plant now not hand and hand like it was. WS and OM are still living together. There world is starting to have problems so this makes me happy. I just don’t know how much there relationship is in trouble. I did finally find OM’s wife. We talked for 3 hours the first night and I found out more and she confirmed more. Some of the things I heard I wasn’t prepared for, but now I now. OM and his wife are still intimate with each other still. The affair has been going on for just over a year; the last 3 months have been exposed. I have exposed to everyone that we know together and to family and anyone that I think will help her think. Now I’m just waiting. Until 2 days ago I was in no contact for almost a month. When WS heard I was talking to OM wife, she called me. I took the call and we talked about what I found out. I told WS that OM and his wife were still sleeping together. WS wasn’t happy and of course OM denied it. Now I’m just waiting to hear about that.

I also have been struggling with how to balance the kids needs and wants without making her think I’m doing things just to hurt her. For the last 2 months I have been allowing the kids to go with her for visitations were she is living. This includes every other weekend. I didn’t like the kids being part of her fantasy but how do I stop it. Well I talked to the kids to get there opinion and they don’t want to see OM anymore so while I was on the phone with WS I told her that there will be no more visitation if she was going to take them there. The kid agreed with this witch makes it easier on me. Now she has to come here to visit. This is my problem now, how do I act when she is here? How do I do NC? I did tell her that if there is a problem with me being here when she visits, then I would leave for a couple of hours to give her time with the kids. I won’t stop her from seeing the kids but I will stop her taking them around him. Not because I don’t like it but because the kids don’t want it.

Do I do plan A when she is here or NC? Please advise..

anyone.

Affairs ALWAYS end. That is in your favor. What does the OM's wife say? Does she want to stay married?

OM's wife wants him back also. She is doing plan A. I don't know if I should be doing plan A or B when WS comes over to visit with the kids. I told WS that I would leave the house if she wanted private time with the kids, I agreed within reason. But I don't know how to act when she is here.

You should be doing Plan A. It is much too early to go to Plan B. Odds are greatly in your favor that your wife will come back. I think it is fine to leave if you don't feel comfortable around her. Be sure the house is clean and things are running smoothly.

from what i understand, you should be plan A-ing your butt off!

is your wife saying anything about trying to get custody? if not, i wouldn't file anything yet if you are getting the financial help from her that you need.

i think your chances are good since OWH still wants her back and is doing plan A. (the OWH in my case said he's never take her back now-that she'll cheat on him again if she did it with my H....he did try to work things out with her for a year but she lied too many times. he's moved on)

Thank you for responding.

The OM’s wife will not date or see anyone else. In her eyes she is still married and it is a sin to do anything else with anyone else. Right now she wants OM back. She is being very loving to him. When OM picks up his DD for visitation OM kisses and hugs his wife and says ILY. OM told wife that he is using WS for sex only and he will never marry WS. I believe her when she tells me these things. When WS called me after she found out I talked to OM wife, I told her what I found out, now she is conflicted with whom to believe, me or the lies from OM. This isn’t his first affair. Which I also told WS about.

I’m not getting financial help from WS at all. It has been a month since I received any child support from her. I know she is saving money for an apartment for OM and her. When WS left, I let her take a car which I found out yesterday was repoed. I called the dealer after I found out and I’m going to try and get it back. There was only 900 left to pay off. It is vary hard to pay all the bills on my income when before she left it took two to pay them all. I just got my house out of foreclosure. I’ve been waiting for 3 months for her to either come home or step up to her responsibilities and help. She hasn’t. Now I have no chose but to file for some help from the state. I told her this when she call the other day and I told her how much she will be paying in child support. FL guidelines told me how much support she will be paying. WS said do what I have to do and she was very angry because support is almost half her pay. But I don’t have any other choice but to do this and I have no control as to how much the court will order her pay. OM has nothing and only takes home less than 200 a week after his child support is taken out and now after I take support from WS she will have less than 250 a week. WS is waiting to take the kids until after she finds a 3 bedroom apartment or something with 3 bedrooms. How are they going to afford this? They can’t. Now WS was told by my oldest daughter that she don’t want to go live with WS if OM is still in the picture. My other 2 children told her the same. So now between the state taking half her money for me and the kids not wanting to live with her, this may make her come home. So that everyone understands, I’m not doing any of this to get her to come home, but if that is what happens then good. I want her to come home; I just don’t need her anymore. But if she don’t come home I want and need her money.

I will plan A my butt off when she gets here. The house will be clean and I will get dinner going like always because I don’t know how long she will stay.

Should I leave or should I stay when she gets here? I haven’t been around her in 3 months so I don’t know how it will be.

I still love her very much and want her home.

WS mother called me tonight to see if anything had changed. When I told her I wasn't getting child support she was upset. I aslo told her about the OM and his affair and what he told his wife. Again my MIL was mad. She can't figure out what is going through WS head. She was going to call her tonight and yell at WS. I'll find out what happened tommorrow.

Be sure to get whatever support you can get from her. If the state has to step in, so be it.

The affair won't last, so you need to protect your children financially. Also you need to protect your heart.

Have you done anything legally? If not it seems to me that you should get going with a lawyer to protect your children, your finances and finally your heart. I would think you should get a temporary hearing to 1. get legal and physical custody of the children, 2. get child support ordered 3. be able to change the locks on the home 4. restrict wife's visitation to not include lying, piece of crap OM at any time (and you should verify this and if not file a contempt charge) 5. Tell her to talk divorce and all its ugliness to your mean azzed attorney and marriage to you should she still desire one.

It may be in your best interest to make sure that the OMW is here reading and learning about "cake eating". It seems to me that she is being a doormat. Time to allow the two idiots to reap the consequences of their immorality and poor judgment IMO

I have seen a lawyer and at this time I don’t have the money. I can’t even come up with the retainer. Because I’m not getting child support, I had to file for food stamps. This alone will get the state involved. They will take her for child support and at the same time I’ll file for primary custody. Right now, that is all I can do. My sister is wiring money to me so my power won’t get shut off. I told MIL about my sister and now she is mad at WS. Maybe that will wake her up. Maybe not. I am trying to keep everything together on 1 income. I hope I can hold on to my love for her and everything else. I get so angry at what WS is doing to the kids and me. I never thought that she could ever do this.

My kids are the most important thing in my life and everything that I do is because of them. I would have thought the same for her.

It has now been 3 months since it was exposed.

God hive me the strength to comtinue.