I posted this on ENs also I am trying to get some opinions on this.
fI eel the need to get some dialog going with H. I am feeling very very tenative right now, trying to overcome my fears if he says once again he is DONE. H just returned from 1 1/2 weeks in the states so I am trying to respect the jet lag factor. I have no patience, and am trying so hard to be. I wrote the below. Have not sent it please tell me if you think it would be appropriate to email this to him.
2X4's are welcomed...I am making an effort to learn.

"I wanted to talk to you last night and again this morning, I didn’t feel it would be nice of me since you just got back from YD’s wedding and the long hours you spent on planes and in airports. I am working on myself and my actions that have caused you untold distress in the past and “pushing” things has been one of my major issues. I apologize in advance for not being able to verbalize this to you right now, based on what you have said to me in the past you would rather that I talk to you and I do respect that. I need to stay focused in order to keep clarity in my thoughts right now and it is important that what I write below is clear.

I have had time to reflect on what I want and need in a relationship with you. I do not know if you have had any time to do the same.

I spoke to Dr. Harley again this past week while you were gone. We talked about love banks and what it takes to keep making deposits into them. He then asked me if I felt you were “in love” with me and I told him honestly that I have no idea but based on what you have said and your recent actions it’s no. He then asked me if I have continued to make deposits into your LB and I had to be honest and tell him no. He then asked me how you could be “in love” with me when I have failed to keep making deposits into your LB, I was at a loss, didn’t know what to say to him.
It is and was my responsibility to keep you “in love” with me. I was stunned, and still am a bit because it sounds so simple but it sort of flies in the face of how I believed before. I have always felt that love or loving someone is a choice, either you do or you don’t. I also believed that when you act in loving ways then you are showing love, but I never quite put it all together in the way that Dr. Harley explained it to me. I was missing the formula. I never saw that in order to keep someone in love with you, you have to keep meeting their needs. So I now have the formula:
Choice + actions = in love.
Choice = the knowledge that you want and desire to meet someone else’s needs
Actions= things that you choose to do on a continual basis to meet the needs of the
other person.
In love = the desire to be with the person you can’t wait to see at the end of the
day, the person that you think about before anyone else.

I did not meet your needs because I was trying to meet my own by attempting to give you what I felt I needed. In all honesty up until a few of weeks ago I wasn’t so sure I knew what I needed. In hind sight it was extremely selfish of me. I did not take or make the time to talk to you and to ask you what you need or want.

I realize you might want to just call it quits and move on. I know I can prove to you--not through my words, but by my actions what I want. I want and desire to show you that I cherish you and I never want to hurt you again again. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel safe and to have a wonderful love filled relationship with you."

Thanks to all of you!

Can you give a bit of background? WS, BS, timeline, ONS, longterm A, etc.????

Thanks,
L.

Hope this is what you were wanting Orchid tried to do a condensed version and thank you!

Married almost 2 years.
H had an A 1.5 yrs ago. Lasted 3 months before I found out, all heck broke loose etc.

Since then we have been in what I consider to be false recovery. Not meeting each others needs and neither one of us verbalizing what it is we need from each other has caused a huge amount of resentment to build up. We’d have big blow ups, make up, sweep under the rug all that we could, then press on until the next blow up.
8 Aug H is done with the marriage.
After about a week of freaking out and LBing all over the place I stopped cold. Started reading on here and putting into practice what I was reading, making changes that have become consistent. I also quit wondering where the heck H’s head was, can’t change him and I have no control over him. Those few changes have made a huge difference in how I feel and act.
Last week of Aug asked H to fill out EN questionnaire, explained to him that it would help me in the “moving forward” process. H filled it out and and on the day he gave it to me (2 Sept) said he was surprised at his lack of communication with me. He also said that he is waffling re the D.

Thanks for the update.

Please read His Needs/Her Needs. Seems like the fog isn't as thick but it still resides in his head.

Keep making your changes and moving forward. He wants to D a great W, that's his problem. To the sane world, that is a stupid move but hey.....WS' are not known t/b smart. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You have another meeting setup with Steve?

L.

Orchid, I had a meeting set up for next week but cancelled it today.
H said last night he has no interest in going over the En stuff, has no interest in any of the MB, he is done and as soon as he has time he is filing for a D. That was the jist of the conversation at least.
I am tired, didn't sleep well again last ngiht but managed to put on a cheerful face this morning and tell him to have a good day. We chatted about non important stuff.
argh!

Get the IC for you. Use the same tools to help you move forward.

Sounds like your WS would prefer to stay as a WS in his attitude.

You decide if that is what you will allow in your life....or not.

L.