[color:"purple"] [/color] I feel the focus in our marriage has changed. For 37 years I always felt that my husband and I had a wonderful marriage, but four years ago, we became part of a church cell group. My husband became very friendly with three widows in our group and gave them a great deal of attention and often sat next to them and spoke to them frequently. He also looked them up at church and even left me alone on one occasion at a church dinner to go and join his friends.

I felt his focus was no longer on me as his wife and he literally ignored me at these functions. His excuse was that he felt very sorry for these ladies who had no husbands to look after them and he saw nothing wrong in his behaviour.

Only after a lot of talking, arguing and reasoning did he concede that those ladies could perhaps read more into his behaviour than just pure friendship. I am convinced that they enjoyed all this attention form a male and they were definitely flirting with him. They were also always seeking out his company and practically ignored me while they were chatting to my husband. Our cell group leader's wife agreed with me that my husband's behaviour was inconsiderate towards me, as he did nothing to reassure me while he was busy approaching these ladies. I felt humiliated and saw it as a lack of respect. I think he was flattered by their attention.

Our cellgroup leader did talk to my husband about making deposits in the love bank; all I saw were withdrawals as my husband expected me to just accept the status quo.

Through all this, my husband has protested his innocence, and maintains that he was acting out of the purest intentions and assured me that I was the only one he loved.

We have since left the cell group because I found it very painful to witness all his goings-on. My husband is very stubborn and does not easily admit that he's wrong, but he has cooled down his relationship with two of the three widows. He's not quite so willing to do the same with the third widow and at a recent church choir camp she came and sat down next to him and before leaving at the end she came to say goodbye to him specifically although I was standing just behind him she ignored me.

When I told my husband afterwards that I think he's still too close to that specific widow he became angry and accused me of being jealous and nasty and he added that that widow meant nothing more by her friendliness towards him. I wish I could feel that way, but I can see how often she's in the same place as him (by accident of course) and how she look sat him when she speaks to him.

I never thought it would be so hard to deal with a problem as it's turning out to be. My husband's favourite line of defence is that women read more into friendly gestures by men than they intended. At one point he said, he felt he could be as friendly as he wanted to be with any woman as long as no sex is involved. That's why I'm asking the question -when is it emotional infidelity? [color:"purple"] [/color]

Carolsusan07

Carolsusan07, according to Shirley Glass (author of the book “NOT just Friends”), a platonic friendship, such as those that grow at work/church etc., edges into an emotional affair when the following three elements are present:

* Emotional intimacy. Transgressors share more of their ''inner self, frustrations and triumphs than with their spouses. They are on a slippery slope when they begin sharing the dissatisfaction with their marriage with a co-worker.''

* Secrecy and deception. 'For example, they neglect to say, 'We meet every morning for coffee.' Once the lying starts, the intimacy shifts farther away from the marriage.''

* Sexual chemistry. Even though the two may not act on the chemistry, there is at least an unacknowledged sexual attraction.

HERE you can read more about emotional infidelity (just click on the link).

Also read the following thread:

15 Steps Of Unfaithfulness

Hi carolsusan:

I think you are describing a relationship that could develop into an emotional affair, so your instincts are probably on target.

The question is what to do about it?

If I were in your shoes, I would do the following:

1) be extra nice to your husband right now. If you start accusing him of infidelity then he may withdraw from you even further. Stop doing that unless the behavior escalates.

2)approach the widow and have a frank discussion with her. Do not accuse her of anything, but be clear that you noticed her attachment to your husband! She will probably get the point without direct statements.

3)do not allow your husband to attend church functions without you for a while.

4)find a new hobby that you can both enjoy that has nothing to do with church. This is intended to bring you and your husband closer, to protect your marriage in the future.

Good luck!