Hello -

I had this in the Negotiating section and got no replies, so I thought I'd try here. My fiance and I have been together for 4 years and living together for 2 in a house we bought together.

We want to get married and we want to do it affordably. We've agreed to elope, but even that will cost around 2K. We have some savings, but that's for emergencies. This money needs to come from additional savings. I have 2K on a credit card that I'm paying off and will be done with in a year, if I stay on track.

The thing is that with our bills and expenses, we can probably save 150 or so a month. It's going to take a long time to save what we need and we won't use credit or ask our parents.

I suggested that I get a second job. I found something I could do from home with my computer and phone line in the evenings and/or weekends. They require 20 hours a week minimum and pay 9 dollars an hour, so I could probably bring home 500 a month with that.

Here's the problem - DF recognizes that we need to make more money, but he doesn't like the idea of me working a second job when he can't. He has a more taxing job, plays World of Warcraft, and practices for a band that he's in probably 2 hours a night. I don't want him to quit the band, because it means a lot to him. I think he may replace the World of Warcraft with some time practicing his coding for work, but that's up to him.

Regardless, he doesn't like the idea of me working another job if he isn't working another job, too. He's told me to do what I want, that he recognizes the value of the second job, but I don't feel good about it. Shouldn't he be enthusiastically agreeing? If he isn't, should I not do it?

Thanks.

Do I get the second job? multiple choice, up to 2 choices
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 09/13/06 09:57 AM
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WTW,

Interesting...you both are living together as if married, yet require $2k even to elope? What are your priorities...the actual elopement (the cost), or developing and maintaining your relationship?

I think because you're here, you really do want to clarify your goals, your life and how relationships work.

Would your second job be within the four rules of marriage? Doesn't sound like POJA is happening, so that's one. It would conflict with the hours of UA, so that's two. Is this $2k your desire alone for the way you want your wedding day to be...and if so, is it worth breaking the rules before you're married?

Also, his choices of WOW and the band...does that leave room for the 15 hours of UA? Are you enthusiastic about his choices, as well?

We were married by a JP in our livingroom...after living together, playing house, we'd decided to stop pretending and make it real...and it didn't take anything away from the momentuous change of calling each other husband and wife. Like living in truth. However, if this decision is slightly covering any other doubts you have, it is very much worth pursuing.

Have you read up on what Dr. Harley has discovered about living together before marriage?

I think it's super you're here pursuing truth...how relationships really work...sounds like you're a very dedicated person, unafraid of finding out what works and what doesn't.

LA

Thank you for your reply, LA!

We are working to develop and maintain the relationship every day. We also would like to have a nice wedding with pictures and since I have miles to fly us anywhere, we'd like to go somewhere to do it. We also both have huge families and being out of town would make explaining the private wedding to everyone much easier. DF wouldn't mind "going cheesy" with Elvis, but even that is expensive.

Would your second job be within the four rules of marriage? Doesn't sound like POJA is happening, so that's one. It would conflict with the hours of UA, so that's two. Is this $2k your desire alone for the way you want your wedding day to be...and if so, is it worth breaking the rules before you're married?

These are great questions. I have asked him about the second job and he hasn't been enthusiastic. He thinks it's strange that I would want his enthusiastic agreement, but he hasn't read a lot of the documentation on this site yet. His one reservation is that I would be contributing more time to raising funds than he would.

DF would love to find something cheaper, but would rather not go to the JP because he did that in his previous marriage where he married a pregnant girlfriend and then found that the child wasn't his. He wants this to be special. I definitely don't want to break the rules before we even get started!

Also, his choices of WOW and the band...does that leave room for the 15 hours of UA? Are you enthusiastic about his choices, as well?

Again, great questions. I haven't measured the UA time, but he does make an effort to make time for me and us. I actually think that the WOW time cuts into his priorities and wish he would cut back, but I recognize that it's a social outlet that he uses to relax. I love that he's in a band and enjoy going with him to rehearsals and gigs, so I guess I'm enthusiastic about that choice.

Have you read up on what Dr. Harley has discovered about living together before marriage?

I have, but only recently. We moved in together with the plan to get married and have had some financial struggles to muddle through in the past few years. I hope that we won't have to wait much longer!

I'll sit down with him and talk this all through again - the elopment plans, the money situation, and the second job. I'll also introduce him to the POJA concepts on this site and see how it goes. Thanks again!