Talked to OMW last week. OM had told her affair was over and that he would have no more contact with my WW, not even to say hello in passing - this seems to have been precipitated by the formal S agreement on that side. The story OM told my WW was somewhat different - that he loved her but had to try to work things out with his wife (blah, blah, blah) - same kind of thing as every other time he has played her for the last 8 months since exposure and last 4 since they each moved out.

Today I saw the two of them together in the lobby talking again for quite awhile.

What should I do with this information?

Given how angry OMW after we first spoke last week, I'm concerned dropping this on her might push her over the edge to force immediate D which isn't going to end the A and my WW will remain that way indefinitely.

But I'm don't know that I should just hide it either.

Help!

Call OMW.

Don't be paralyzed by what might happen when you do.

Be afraid by what is happening to your marriage by what you saw.

WAT

Also, have you exposed the workplace affair to the employer?

Is OM still her boss? If so, you're the most powerful man on his planet.

WAT

No, OM is not still her boss, that was dealt with in January - unfortunatly employer didn't see fit to fire him, just a minor ethical slip in it being a reporting relationship so moved him over to a slightly different but closely related project (which of course did little to help end the A).

And recently OM was moved to an entirely separate role so no more excuses if the two are talking that it is work related. Apparently married manager coming on to involved employee is not unethical.

Also, I just found out my sighting is not unique. Despite his claims to his wife and my WW I guess the A is still dragging on.

I'm going to have to figure out how to put this to OMW.

Here ya go.


To OMW- "Your husband and my wife are still in contact with one another and are carrying on their affair......Your husband and my wife point blank lied to us"

""Your husband and my wife point blank lied to us"""

WHICH IS STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE, directly from the best selling "Adultry for Dummies". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

As a BS, the most precious thing to me was the truth. There were so many lies! You will do OMW a great service by telling her. The next best thing you can do is introduce her to this site. Tell her how it has helped you with your perspective on the situation, and how pro-marriage it is.

Again, information I would have been grateful for in ghe beginning.

Thanks more everyone, I have passed this info to OMW - sent the email anyway.

desperatelytrying,

I did pass this site on to OMW when we met, also gave her as much as (maybe more) of facts I had that it seemed she could take in in one sitting without going completely ballistic. And we discussed our mutual goals of recovery.

It is not looking good though.

Any feedback from OMW?? Getting together for a double Plan B might just give both WSs the stress they need to really test the A. It might take awhile but any doubts that are there would be bound to surface between them...

No, no feedback from OMW yet. I sent her a quick note the other day to ask but I don't know her well so I don't want to pressure her.

love_left

Asking for feedback might make you appear to have other agendas in mind( such as revenge,anger ets). When OMW is ready or needs you, contact can be re-established. Until then or until you have more valid reasons to contact her, give her the privacy she needs.

Apparently last night OMW confronted OM with the information I had passed on that OM and my WS were still in regular contact. Now OMW questioning my motives/truthfulness - i.e. who should she believe?

He was "absolutely shocked" and denied it, saying that he had only had "very limited" contact with my WS. (contrast with first post - OMW told me he had told my WS it was to be NO contact) and note that there is NO work reason for them to be in contact at all. I hadn't had a chance to pass this on but I saw them again together on Friday chatting which was corroborated by my friend who was actually present.

So how do I respond to OMW??

I get the feeling she hasn't visited MB but after meeting her previously thought she was pretty realistic in her understanding of A but now I wonder if she is in a bit of a fog of her own still - this guy knows how to play her too.

My thought is to reiterate the need for NO contact, that this period constitutes a withdrawal for OM, that my goal/motivation is my own family's recovery meaning ending the A, meaning OMW and OM reconciling. Because if OMW and OM split then the A will continue which I don't want. Then to recommend (again) she read MB articles, q&A and forums and finally restate my intent to recover my family and suggest that we work together to the common goal. As an added carrot I can offer her more details of recent contact that I don't want to write down but would be okay to share in person or on phone.

Thoughts?


Not sure if I should be direct and just say I have nothing to gain by lying and everything to lose.

I don't want to directly attack OM as lying (what exactly is "limited" contact, who defines it, who polices it, what respect does that show OMW?) at risk of alienating OMW - how did she progress from NC to accepting "very limited" contact?

OM has proven with my WS that he is an expert at deceit and manipulation.

Still need to get across the message that WS in fog and A will say just about anything to maintain the A. Wish she would read a bunch here.

I would like to reply to her sooner (tonight if possible) rather than later since I have nothing to hide.

All suggestions welcome and appreciated,
love_left

And exactly how does he define the "recent past"?

love_left,

You do not mention how you got this info. Did you speak to OMW directly, through email, through a third party etc???

ll,

You're still playing the games of the affair. Step away from it and find your own footing. WHAT WILL YOU TOLERATE? That really is all you should worry about. When you figure this question out, things can become much more clear for you.

You see, it doesn't really matter if he tries to talk to your wife...it's her choice to do so. What matters is what you tell your wife you will accept, and what you will do as a consequence. Not a threat, a statement.

Wife,

I love you. I want to fix our marraige. I will not accept you talking to OM anymore, in any fashion. If that is a problem for you please say so, so that I can move forwards with a divorce. I have no intention of staying married to a woman who is actively cheating on me. I believe I can find it in my heart to forgive it once, but not a second time or a repeated offense to it.

With love,
you.

Ya see, I know I have 'dumbed' it down...but my gosh. Do you really want any confusion on the subject. Sometimes they will confuse it if you try and 'soften' it up with pretty words. I had to do something similair...and had to put it in the context of including all of OM friends, and even people she associated with during that time. Yes, she had to throw that whole piece of sh... lifestyle and everyone associated with it away. And you know what, I don't feel bad about it at all. Thank you very much.

-hang in there (and quit playing her games)

Cymanca,

Sorry, yes OMW sent me email last night after talking to OM.

Tonight she short-circuited my question here by calling me. We talked for quite awhile. After sending the email I guess she realized I was just telling what I saw as we had previously discussed. I did reiterate my motivation - end the A, if OM & OMW reconcile then no A for my WS to continue. I'd prefer that my WS ended it and came back of her own accord but that doesn't seem to be in the cards at the moment so for now I'd settle for OM ending the A. At least it might give my WS some room to think for herself and maybe return to reality. Down side for me if OMW and OM don't reconcile is likelyhood that A will continue indefinitely - not sure how likely my WS is to return if OM is the one to end it but has to be better chance than if it drags on.

Apparently OM says he wants to move back home to OMW but still waffles on the NC part. Tells OMW that he doesn't love her and that he still has feelings for my WS (pretty typical I'd guess.) My WS has said same too. OMW refused as long as he won't ensure NC (good for her I think). Her thought is her last card is D but she is getting close to playing it. Thing is she is not sure if she wants to continue with attempt to reconcile at all anyway - 2 months since stated end of A and she has yet to see NC, she's also not sure she is willing to do it for the long haul so D may well be then end for her.

OMW had read some here, I suggested she post her point of view and get some thoughts, suggestions and support here.

RookKev,

I'm not playing the game in that sense - my WS is beyond any approach. I've told her most of what you said actually and quite plainly BUT she is still deep in the fog, still justifying and possibly still chasing the illusion of the A. Either that or has managed to believe enough of her justifications to support staying on her own but since they are still in frequent contact I tend to think the former for now. It barely even phases me when I see WS and OM conversing, actually at this point it would surprise me more to see them avoid each other. But this question was around whatever collaboration with OMW could do to help end the A and best approach with OMW. And now that question seems moot.

Thanks again,
love_left

where are things at today?