There fellow MB members, I am so glad that I have found this site. I recently found out that my H had an A with someone through myspace.com. To make things worse, this OW lives not too far from us and somehow found me online and spilled her sincerely apologies to me as if she had no fault at all.
I would have never found out except for my gutt feelings. I discovered the affair on the first day of our vacation to Virginia Beach.
It was the worst vacation of my life, but I made the best of it for my two girls.
When I confronted him he denied the whole thing. He first told me that they only met for coffee a few times nothing else. If it wasn't for the OW e-mailing me all about their A, he would have never come out and admitted.
Wondering is that a good sign?
When it finally came out of his mounth, oh god I almost ran him over. Thank god I stopped in time.
He slept out of the house for the first couple of days, but I let him back in and he slept on the guest room for the first month.
Its been 3 months now and we have been living together like a married couple once again. The sex is great, the conversations goes on for hours, and he has been nothing but compassionate caring and loving ever since.
But my problem is that I cannot get this out of my mind. I have been secretly punishing him in meaningless ways and then apologizing for it, even though deep inside I am glad I did it. Am I acting like a terrible person?
I never thought this would happen to me. We both had faults, but as I have read in several different posts in MB it wasn't my fault that he decided to have an Affair.
Please any words of compassion would be greatly appreciated.

BW- 37 years
BH- 38 years
Married 6 year living 12 years
DDay- 6/27/06
D - 10
D - 6
SS - 12

Welcome to MB. You are in the right place...I understand that you are hurting but punishing him is not going to help your M in the long run...Why do you feel the need to punish him?

I'm sorry that you have to be here under these conditions...Have you read SAA and everything else that this site has to offer? What have the two of you done about no contact? Is OW's story matching your WH's?

You are not a terrible person...you are a person who is hurt but that doesn't mean that you can punish him...If you flipped the situation around, would YOU want to be punished?

I'm not bashing you...by no means...I've been hurt and FWH and I are trying to recover...but it's a slow process and the first step is awareness...

It great that you are aware of what you have been doing...YOU can make it through this...YOU CAN!

You both need a recovery plan. Please consider the following:

1. Read Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Both are by Dr. Harley.

2. Both take the Emotional Needs questionnaire located in the concepts section above.

3. Call Steve H @ MB for a personal and marital recovery plan.

Do it in that order. Then you will need to both find closure. Something you can do together and separate.

It's a start...there's more but that's enough to work on for now.

Welcome to MB. Glad you are headed in the right direction.

take care,
L.

Hi betrayschock--

Welcome. Here on Marriage Builders I hope you will find, as I have:
--people who are going through exactly what you're going through;
--people who have gone through exactly what you're going through and come out the other side;
--people who are going through exactly what your husband is going through;
--people who have gone through exactly what your husband is going through and come out the other side;
--people who genuinely care about you and your marriage and willlingly share their help and experiences;

and most importantly

--genuine people who aren't afraid to take a 2x4 and apply it to you when they think you need it.

I've needed quite a few of the 2x4's and they have been helpful.



Recognizing that you both share culpability for the condition of the pre-Affair marriage is a great first step.

You are correct, the affair wasn't your fault. It was his choice and decision.

What you do about it IS your choice and decision.

I have experienced after my wife's affairs were discovered and the initial tulmult subsides a "honeymoon" period in which we are both very loving and supportive. For me, it was a Plan A type of affection and love -- trying to show her that I love her and she is valued by me. For her, I think it is (currently) a period in which she is trying to make up for the pain and hurt she has caused me.

Unfortunately, ALL honeymoons come to an end. This is not intended to be discouraging -- hopefully the recovery and repair you have been engaged in during the honeymoon keeps your marriage growing. But the normal needs of life and minor disputes married couples have will inevitably resurface.

In a way, I look forward to the honeymoon ending. It will be a sign that we are moving on to "normal" life together and can rebuild trust and comfort in the midst of everything else that happens in life (kids, school, work, travel, etc).

Hopefully your marriage is stronger after recovery and able to work through them.

You are doing good by being here. Keep posting questions, thoughts, feelings. Read posts by others that are in your place right now. There is a wealth of wisdom in many of the members here. They have helped me in so many ways that I can't begin to thank them all.

Blessings

Thanks for your reply. Deep down I know that punishing him is not going to help in the long run. But I just feel this enormous need to make him pay for what he has done to me.
I didn't deserve that. We had problems in our marriage, and I tried to work on it, but he would almost always not respond, or lash out. I am the type of person that closes up, once confrontation takes place. I don't know something I must have learned from very young. During fights we would play the tit for tat game, to see who would beat the other at their own game. Awful thing to do, but that was us.
We see that now, and avoid it at all costs. We are talking alot more and can clearly see when the silent treatment kicks in, and automatically talk it out.

I have been reading almost everything about surviving, I'm sure I can find alot more if I keep looking.

As I said in my post, the OW was the one that told me everything, he would have gotten away with it, if she didn't find me online (still wonder how she did it) Anyway, he admitted it, when I confronted him with the IM's she had sent me. Her story is that he found her, and that he told her our marriage was over, and that the only reason why he was with me was for the sake of the kids, she knew everything about me and our lives. When I confronted WH he denied it, by saying that he never told her he would leave me for her, he liked the way she made him feel emotionally. She would tell him exactly what he wanted to hear, made him feel good about himself, boosted his ego. Something he said I never did. He said that I never appreciated or admired him. That was the one thing she had on me. Weird hah?

OW went as far as writing me to tell me which park they would meet, which hotel they went, and when he would be late to meet me because he was with her. I don't know why she felt the need to tell me everything. Maybe it was her way of getting back at him for breaking things off? I don't know.

We are going to MC, and he is going to a Psychologist. There is a lot of things that I didn't know about him that is finally coming out. Its hard to believe that I was with this man for 12 years and didn't know much about him.
I'm just taking everything one day at a time.

Thank you for your post, yes we have done the his/hers emotional needs. You wouldn't believe how hard it was for him to begin the questionaire. Fear, Not sure. But it finally got done.

We are going to a MC at this time. Seems to be helping, but he does not let go much, as he does with his psychologist. At least one of the doctors is getting through him.

Thank you for your kind words

Hi, Thank you so much for your kind words. Its good to know that I am not alone. This website has helped me cope and deal in so many ways. I am so glad I found MB.


Thank you again

Hi Artor,

Thank you so much for your kind words. In regards to your post:

(You are correct, the affair wasn't your fault. It was his choice and decision. What you do about it IS your choice and decision)

It is a very difficult thing to do especially when kids are involved. Believe me, If I didn't have my kids I would have probably taken the easy way out and left him on the spot. But I believe in the sanctity of marriage and I am trying very hard to overcome this A. My kids have no idea what has happened and I would much rather leave it that way. My kids does not deserve to know what their father has done to Mom. One day when they are older and can understand I will think about telling them.

I sincerely believe that we are headed on the road to recovery, but It is very hard as I'm sure you all know.

I am giving it my all, and I am praying for the best outcome for all involved.

My wife and I made the same decision after her first PA. Our kids were pretty young and it made no sense to tell them about their mother's affair.

We struggled through several years that I thought were positive and growing before her 2nd PA. We still haven't told our children.

Obviously, if it came down to a separation or a change in living arrangements, we would sit our children down (older teenagers now) and tell them the truth about what has transpired.

My kids and the thought of what a divorce would do to them (especially when they were younger) is all that kept me going some days.

You're right -- recovery/rebuilding is tough to do. You need to find support and a place to vent. If this forum provides that for you, then great! If you need to have a close female friend you can call or visit when you feel sad or need to have coffee with a girlfriend, then you deserve that. I would recommend you discuss it with your husband if you two have chosen to keep knowledge of the affair to yourselves. He may feel betrayed if you tell someone without him knowing.

Blessings

After reading your story and your reply to my thread, it seems we have quite a bit in common with our situations. I feel the same way you do about not being able to get it out of my head. It seems overwhelming at times. We are having the long talks, etc but I can't seem to get over the sex hurdle. Just too painful to have those images runnng through my head. I too feel like doing things to punish him. I think this comes from not feeling like he has paid a price yet for what he has done.

You are not alone. Many of us feel the same pain you do and are here for you. I wish you the best and will be following your story. Best wishes.

You seemed to be a very strong person. I admire you for overcoming all of this. I hope that I am strong enough to overcome my WH A.

Thank you for understanding my decisions regarding the children. I would hate for my girls to look at their father differently. It is not fair to them.

It is very hard for me though to have all of them in the same room and not vent out what I really feel. I am going through a very difficult time right now, I feel myself becoming distant, still trying to be a loving wife but deep down inside I'm dying. Can people fall into depression after being diagnosed with not having one? I just feel so down and out!