I could use some advice. I a have been married for 23 years, together 27. We have 3 sons together. I have been through 2 PA's and 1 EA that I know of, I suspect more EA's. Also, WH has taken money from our NJ home equity line of credit, his 401-k and pension and advances on credit cards to buy a business that turned out to be a bad move.

Current financial status, I have found another job in another city 2 hours away, which to me is not a daily commute. The company has offered me some relocation, but not a lot. My youngest son is a Jr. in HS, I already moved him to OH from NJ much to his dismay. I do not want to move him to another OH HS. Thus, this long distance commute will go on for 2 years. At that pt., the company I work for will help me to sell the house and move. My family lives where we currently live, I also have a few friends that live nearby. I have friends in NJ but none in the new city.

The business is failing, we are selling it. My H has made some attempt to find a new job, but not a big effort. We are in a huge financial mess. My new job with bonus is over 6 figures, but does not cover our obligations due to all of the cash advances on the credit cards. My middle son is unable to complete college, we cannot obtain a loan due to our credit scores and he is not eligible for financial aid due to my income. The biz income is negative.
Our oldest son has worked for the biz for over a year for about $2k over the whole period. He has taken charge of things and figured out how to computer design the kitchens/baths. My H is not profecient at it. Our oldest son helps unload trucks, deals with the customers, and designs the kitchens/baths. My H invoices the custmers and deals with the builders and vendors. Our oldest son is depressed and wants to leave, but feels guilty due to the biz not making any money. We can only sell the biz if it is worth money. Without going into a lot of boring detail, H has borrowed money from his youngest sister and BIL and the situation currently is very much at odds. He has also attempted to borrow money from his nephew, but his nephew has been unable to find his broker to obtain a cash settlement of approx. $15k.

Our current financial status, I am between jobs, due to start the new job 09/18/06. WH hasn't any job prospects and a biz check he wrote against the nephew's proposed loan has bounced twice. Therefore, he cannot service his current customers, or obtain new ones.

I was out of town on my old job last week for my last week and to train my replacement. WH didn't tell my that our nephew couldn't find his broker and therefore the check for $15k to our vendor was going to bounce bc he didn't want to worry me, his words. I didn't discover this until I looked at our checking account for the biz on Monday. I came back home on Sat. My WH said he didn't want to worry me while I was working and afterwards, he forgot!! There is no way he forgot as he lives and breathes the biz.

I feel so used at this pt. I feel like we are "friends" but not marital partners. We stopped MC months ago due to WH not listening to the advice of the MC and it didn't have any affect on our realationship. We don't have R discussions, he usually goes to sleep betweeen 9:00 and 9:3o when I am home.

WH doesn't make dinner, doesn't follow up with our YS who is in HS about his homework, I am really worried. I feel like WH is only with me for the financial reasons. I feel like he still loves the OP, or the idea of the OP, and doesn't think of me romantically. I was upset that he didn't tell me about the biz financials, although somewhat grateful that he didn't tell me while I was trying to work. I feel like he decided what I should know and not know and I don't like it, it seems deceitful.

Can anyone advice and help???

Have you considered filing for bankruptcy?

Exactly, see an attorney and find out what your options are.

If you are going to make over 100k you should be able to live nicely in Ohio. . . I live there too.

Shed the debt if you can and throw the dang credit cards away.

Believer - yes but it isn't really an option due to my occupation, it would most likely adversely affect my career.

CN,we have closed all the credit cards and negotiated payment terms with them, most of which are temp. (6 mo. - 1yr.). At least the principle is starting to come down. I should contact an attorney, although it may have to be in the new city as I won't be able to take any time off at first.

I had this post up the same day I wrote it and planned to reply, but had to run an errand. I think my WH read it. He offered to help me with dinner and was making SF advances yesterday and today, which is unusually. He also asked me at a crucial SF pt., not to be graphic here, if I still loved him, he asked this twice. I said yes, but if truth were told, not really sure anymore.

BTW, he never comes to MB, never read the material, although I asked him several times and printed out the questionaires twice. So, I don't think there is any risk of him coming back to view my posts. I guess he would have to care, or be curious to do that...

while you are both under stress of the biz failing its unlikely MC will work very well especially with your H who as you say lives and breathes it.
In my country we have what is called a form 10 arrangement, which while under the Bankruptcy act, actually allows you to pay off so much in the $ to each debtor without going bankrupt.I think it was based on a mix of UK & US law but not sure.

I can understand that Bankruptcy could affect some jobs so avoid it if possible. Alternatively perhaps its possible for you to be removed from the company? I think you need a lawyer though asap. I would advise that you seriously consider not increasing your debt though trying to save a sinking ship. Better to plan and jump yourself than be pushed. It may mean the sacrifice of your house but if it frees you all then with your income the family should soon recover.

I feel the stress of this whole thing is probably just overwhelming for you right now, probably both of you. However, it may make your H realise how important you are to him and not just a business partner. I suggest you start using POJA (see basic concepts), making joint agreements about EVERYTHING where practical, both biz and personal. And I know with the travel pressure this is hard but set aside at least a minimum of fifteen hours each week to give your spouse your undivided attention & he yours. THIS IS IMPORTANT. Use the time to meet the emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. This will help you avoid neglecting each other. Harley states its one of the most common mistakes made in a M. Harley calls it the Policy of Undivided Attention.. common sense really.

As he won't do the questionnaire at this time, a lot of men think this stuff in bunkum and not 'manly' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> then do his anyway as well as your own, maybe give his to him and see how you did? You could then give him yours

You wont be able to do everything at once but read the basics and start with setting aside time for each other NO MATTER WHAT, no excuses permitted. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I would seek alternative solution other than a job two hours away...

it is fundamentally destructive to the family structure...and even more so when one is already under crisis...

how well will your hs son fair under the guidance of a husband not plugged in?

as you plug out and focus on a job away...

I would seek alternative financial counsel that keeps the family together.....

nabohio..I implore you to pray on this very very very hard....
I think that we often see the financial route as the answer.....when what the children want and need is the family together....even when it involves huge huge sacrifices....

there is no rock that can't be dug out from....

you should consult dave ramsey's program money matters...


ARK

I so agree with ark. Moving two hours away is not going to help your relationship.

You would have to have 2 households- how is that going to help your finances?

As for your son who wants to go to college. There are student loans where you do not have to qualify. There are loans he can apply for and not the parents.