Hello all,

I am looking at a cross road in my life now. Do i stay the course or do i call it a day.

Yes i have exposed to all persons and now everyone knows, thse OMW is getting married to OM in 1 month time and WW is in a major funk. Telling me that it is now impossible for her to be happy, now that he has moved on with his life.

then after 3 relitively good days....this morning took a nose dive.

Last nite i made her chinese food (yes i can cook)and set her a romantic table then went to bed with my DS because he had trouble sleeping.

after she finished dinner and a movie. She came to bed.

Now mistake #1. Wanting to hold her hand ......nope was the reply.

Told her that i loved her still.

this morning we heard the news about the D of Whitney Huston and Bobby Brown after 14 years of marriage.

she seemed lost in thought. I asked her what was on her mind and then came out the following:
1. We should have been devorced years ago.
2. All happiness is gone from me or is now unreachable.
3. Her life since 10 has been in a downward spiral.
4. She regrets going on TV talking about love on valentines day.
5. I caused her alot of hurt and pain and these she will always remember.
6. She sees changes in me but she cannot forget the pain that i caused her.For years.
7. She wont tell me what would make her happy. But it is now impossible to reach.


She was crying now and again when she spoke. I got teary eyed and said sorry......i know the word seems inadequate but i dont know what else to say.

She said the OM was in love with his Fiancee and will not part from her.

My wife then said that she wants to be alone and miserable.
everything she invest her life in was a farce and or caused her pain.

what could i say? I was just told to listen by you guys.

It all tore me up inside.

i kissed her on her cheek and told her goodbye.

called her at work and she responded to me positively.

Almost like she had split personality.

looked like the A is flopping around. But i am not fooled.there is still an A going on.an EA and i see constant battle being waged in her heart now.

Patience is fast running thin today. I feel so emotionally drained its not funny.

Now i just wait and see with prayers what happens.

Take care you all.

Nuff luv from Jamaica.

I can't see how it is time to call it quits. I would suggest you stay away from the romantic dinners though. Stay on your best Plan A but give her space to breath.

OK. However ..it was just dinner for ONE....a small table, in front of TV. So when she came from extra classes she could go and relax, eat.

I just went to bed.

Sounds like she's still in the fog. Keep working on YOU. Stop the romantic stuff... to the WS, it feels like pressure, not love.

Give her time and some space.

k.
laying off the romantic stuff........ never saw it that way though. honestly.

i thought she would have loved the idea of eating alone in an intimate setting.

nc:

This is all part of the script. I wouldn't worry about the things she's saying now. It's ac2ally good that she's willing 2 talk about them 2 you. She's blame and guilt-shifting on you, which is normal. It's your plan A job 2 continue 2 listen, and show you care through your ACTIONS. Be careful of what you say, particularly how you say it, because you're talking 2 someone still very much rationalizing whatever they hear or do 2 "support" themselves and avoid facing the consequences of their poor choices.

It is good that you know for sure that the OM is getting married, particularly if the OMW knows about the A and is still committed 2 marrying him. That means that he's more likely 2 be out of the pic2re and less likely 2 threaten someone else's marriage in the fu2re.

Definitely hang in there. Your W ac2ally sounds like a sweet, albeit very confused, gal. Be her rock!

-ol' 2long

Additional remark:

You should be proud. By exposing 2 the OMW and thus holding the OM accountable for his behavior, you may have stopped a predator at the outset. You very likely will have saved more than your own marriage here. You may have saved his, and someone else's down the line...


Something 2 think about.

-ol' 2long

So dont be frightened by her split personality then right?

Suppose the OMW doesnt decide to marry him? or they go into a tailspin and split up?

Sorry but so many variables. She wants to be by herself now. go hang with her "i-see-your-point" girls.

She is definately going to go away this weekend to,.as she put it...cry on her birthday and sort herself out."

look i dont know right now what to think........need some time off to undo stress buildup from this morning.

What if OM still trys to call her? how do you deal with that?

Today is a downer.....wish i could reason with WW about the current and probable future consequence.

I know that i cant.

Well 2long she might still be in the fog despite exposure.

007, the fog lasts long past exposure...sorry to say

WW's don't listen. She will move towards "F" status, and she will start to peek out of the fog.

This may sound stupid, but don't be an emotional pushover. YOu are worthy and good, be her rock but NOT her doormat. Be loving and kind, but don't take any [email]cr@p[/email], in a loving way, lol. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You can't convince her of anything, you must know this by now- you just have to be there.

It's like the Journey song Separate Ways says (I heard it on the radio this morning)

If he ever hurts you
True love won't desert you
You know I still love you......

Sing it, Steve Perry!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Time time time.

And ix-nay on the omance-ray!!!!

It won't make a dent now. Save it for when it's a true deposit in her love bank.

LOL


Never have seen any pig latin on this sight.....thanks for the laugh.

Hang in there 007. I'll be watching you. I think you have what it takes to do this.

Get-r-duuuuuunn

JS

NC...Are you saying that you DID expose to OM's finacee? If so, what happened on that front? What did you say to her? What did she say to you? Are the two of you remaining connected so that you are both able to monitor for any additional contact? She can be your strongest ally in keeping the infidels apart...

If you did expose to OM's fiancee, does your WW KNOW this? (It is very important that she knows that she has been exposed in this way) If so, what was her reaction to this? Usually it is met with MUCH venom spewing in your direction...I am interested to hear how she responded to this...



Do you mean that know there is contact between OM and WW? How do you know this? Did you recontact OM's fiancee to compare notes with her?

I will be able to give you a better assessment of what I think is going on after I know a little more about these scenarios...

Mrs. W

OMG......LONG PSAT EXPOSURE????

here am i thinking that she just got kicked into reality and sorta wake up. not a 100% but at least wake up.

She is playing it off that the OM has been more of a father figure to her and a protector. I was never like that she said.(point taken)

She doesnt give a rats about the changes she sees. (i didnt say "hey look at me now?")

all she is doing is focusing on her past. and the fact that love has slipped thru(?) her fingers with this OM (55 y.o.)
WW 37 y.o.

When does any form of reality hits a WS?

i guess its the false 3 days of good progress being eaten away by the verbal crap filled with pain being poured out this morning.

pray for me.

why do i still love her?

FOG FOG FOG. Yes, long past exposure. Now you get the withdrawl fog.

Fun, huh?

Remember it's a rollercoaster, right?? Up and down- it's the same with my BH- I'll think we had a couple good days, only to find out that they weren't, lol.

She will see when she's ready. You can't force it.

Everyone has the free agency to choose their actions and responses. No one can take that from another person.

Unfortunately, lol

You must answer why you still love her for yourself. Make a list.

If we know for sure that the A is over NC, then she is likely in withdrawal...Withdrawal is still a very foggy time, and recovery can't even begin until that is over...Withdrawal usually takes between 4 and 8 weeks after NC is firmly in place...Which is why all of my questions in my earlier post today...Please answer those when you have a chance, k?

Mrs. W

nc, mon,

Your chick is a DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA QUEEN!!!

My gosh, she enjoys her pity parties, sooooo much.

""My wife then said that she wants to be alone and miserable, everything she invest her life in was a farce and or caused her pain.""

""what could i say? I was just told to listen by you guys.""

You are doing a good job of biting your tongue.

But doesn't it seem like way too much to you? She either is trying to evoke some other kind of response from you, or she maybe does need some IC.

Has she always been so dramatic?

Could she be wanting some manly justified anger from you?

I am stumped, that's all I got!

krk

seething was not what i would use to describe what happened......i was nervous as ****** and when the call happened. WW was mad and distant....i was now trying to control her and got the image of the deranged XS looking to destroy her friendship.
"At least i know what i did and yes i am a #### but what you did was %(*&$#^@*&#&$.(well you know)"

To say that the OM was upset was an understatement too
said i messed his whole day up.

Yes i was calm.

Yes spoke to OMW

No did not set up regular "spotchecks"

sorry feeling a bit lost now.....like my world is coming to an end.

nc:

You DID THE RIGHT THING!

Infidels get pissed off because their fantasy is busted, NOT because the truth is out. If it was so wonderful, they would be GLAD that you brought it 2 the world's attention!

I think withdrawal will take longer than weeks, but I'm coming from a very different perspective. IN any case, not recovering isn't a sensible option, so the rollercoaster ride may simply be something you have 2 get used 2. 42nately or otherwise, you do get a little hardened 2 it at some point, so the lows aren't so low, because you know when they're coming, and are better prepared 2 deal with them.

-ol' 2long

A WHOLE DAY....you mean like 24 hours worth.
aaaaaaahahahahahahahahahah

I guess the next day was ok huh?
Must notta hurt that bad.

Der,der,der.

Sorry I just needed a good laugh today.

when do you issue a NC. i am almost sure that it is not in the withdrawal phase. she would probably look at it as a way of controling her.

why am i doing this again?

i have to really stop and think.

just came from a session with my IC.

really feeling worse.

look. if you found out that you were not being a good dad to your son because deep down you were subconciously jealous of DS stealing your wife affection and then you were jealous over some dead guy why would you want someone to be with you?

this is the question i ask myself now.

even now .do i tell the WW my newfound revelation? probably add fuel to the fire.

WW just called.mute response from both sides.

told her why dont she spend an extra night from us with her friend.

replied she dont want to spend entire weekend away from her son.(right all of a sudden a guilt complex?)


feel so damn frustrated. The crumbling of our M is a result of many factors but mine seems to glare at me.

If she left.....God forbid....i wouldnt blame her.

not a pity party.just the facts man.

just the facts.

See you all tomorrow. I pray god have mercy on the type of H i was before and to hold my precious Family together.

thanks for all your support.

007, your here on Marriage Builders Right?
Why are you here?
I'll tell you.
Your having marriage problems and you are trying to solve them.

If her marriage was so bad all this time why didn't she come here or go to a MC or go to her parents or your parents or your brother or your sister or her brother or her sister, how about grandma, grandpa, stepdad, stepmom.

See where this is going?
Your doing something about it. You didn't go running after women.
She went to other man.
NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
I'm not perfect and I accept the part I played in the demise of my marriage but I will NOT say that the last 12 years were loveless.
No way, No how.

Why did my wife want a second child?
Why did my wife want a third child?
Why did we marry again?
Oh yeah LOVE...I remember.

Look 007,
I'll tell you something I haven't told very many people.
I left my first marriage 13 years ago.
To this day I still feel like a failure. No not because I left. Because I decided to have a little fling with another women before I had the guts to tell my wife it was over.
Hows that for being a loser......
To this day I wish I would have left that marriage for other reasons or not left it at all.
I failed big time.

Move on with your changes and change what you can about yourself...Be the person you want to be.
No matter what happens, you will have to be better from it all.

I'll bet you know people who have been through this before.
Good or bad, they are better people now right?
Look at all of the divorces in the world. If everybody felt as if you did right now we'd all be standing in line to jump off a building somewhere.....It just doesn't happen that way.

We learn, we grow, we become better people.
Its always been that way. It will be that way for you too.

Please keep posting here so you can get the help you need to change and by reading your thoughts, it actually makes ME a better person by reading your situation.

WOW...what a rant.
holy crap whers the tylenol....
Whew!!!

JS