I’m new to the site. I’m so glad I found it b/c I’ve been feeling very sad and alone. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have 2 small children ages 1 and 3. Over the summer he has been very withdrawn and working a lot (new job) and I suspected something was wrong, but when I asked he kept saying that he was tired or overwhelmed. Things had been hard with 2 small kids and never getting any sleep so I just thought that things were okay.

4 weeks ago I was paying the cell phone bill and found he was calling someone 10 – 20 day. I confronted him and of course he lied, then he said that he was ‘talking’ to someone at work. I kicked him out that night and he came back an hour later to tell me he had been having an affair with a woman at work. I asked if he loved her and he said he did not know. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he did not know. It turns out they met late June, started talking at work and started a PA the week of July 17th. He said they hung out only once and went to her house 3 times to have sex. The rest of their relationship was just talking and kissing at work. I found out on August 15th. So he only really knew this person for about 6 weeks from start to finish.

3 days later we talked and he told me that he had been very depressed all year with some suicidal thoughts and he sought out this woman b/c she made him feel superior, wanted and loved. We decided to get back together and start to work on our marriage. He said he had broken off contact with her and wanted to be with me.

He says he will leave his job but I have not made him leave yet b/c the job is best for our family. He was unemployed for 6 months before getting this job and it is the first job he has that is not a dead end job. The problem is he runs into her in the lunch room. He avoids the lunch room as much as possible and has not talked to her but I feel terrible every time he goes to work.

Anyway, things have been getting a little better as we are following the Harley book. He seems to be making an effort, etc. But some details were still bothering me so Tuesday I was pressing him on telling me again about the conversations he had with her to break it off. He came out and told me about 3 lies he had been keeping form me because he didn’t want to hurt me and was too scared to tell me. I guess he thought these were the big ones that would really hurt me. He told me that he didn’t break it off with her at work on Wed like he told me, but instead a day after he went to her house to ‘say goodbye’. He said he kissed and hugged her goodbye and told her that he loved her but had to be with his family. He says they didn't have sex but I have my doubts. He also had been telling me that he didn’t think he loved her but he revealed that he actually thought he was in love with her and that he told her so and would tell her he loved her when they talked. Then the biggie… He had been telling me that he used a condom. He admitted that he never used one!!! What kind of idiot would not use a condom? What’s worse is he slept with me during the time they were sleeping together.

I was shocked and stunned about this new information, especially since I thought we were doing radical honesty and working on things. I told him that what he told me changed everything and I went to work. He was very distraught about the situation and called the therapist. He went to see her and was such a mess and had such suicidal thoughts that they admitted him into the hospital for depression. He has been there for 2 days and I don’t know how long they will keep him there.

He claims that he has broken all contact with her when he said he did. He claims he loves me and sees that he was using her to make himself feel good. He claims he had no problem breaking things off with her and feels nothing for her now. I don’t know what to do. Now he is in the hospital with major depression and suicide issues. I’m on ADs and trying my hardest to keep from being sucked into a terrible depression, and I’m at home alone with 2 small kids trying to find the energy to do things.

It just seems so unfair. He gets to have this great love affair where he is so happy, I find out and I’m hurt and then he has a breakdown and he gets to go and get help. He gets all the attention while I just get to suffer. When do I get to have people take care of me? Why do I always have to be the responsible one? The worst thing is I feel I can’t talk to him about the A b/c I don’t want to put him over the edge. I truly think he feels guilt and remorse for what he has done.

I don’t know if he has been totally truthful like he said he has. He swears that its all out in the open now. I have my doubts of course. This woman was the exact opposite of me. She makes very little money and is a single mother of a 2 year old. She is Spanish and speaks broken English. She lives in a bad neighborhood near his job. I’m white, make good money and what I thought was a loving and good wife and mother.

I’m torn about whether to try to work things out with him or not. It just seems easier to just move on. I can’t tell anymore if he is lying or not. I want to believe him but I won’t let myself. I know all the details and I replay them having sex over and over again in my mind. I can’t imagine having sex with him again. How can you have enjoyable sex with someone who was so intimate and so in love with someone else? Any time he says I love you to me now I cringe b/c he told her that. Its almost as if what he says and does with me means nothing now b/c it was given away to her. But he is a good father, I love him and don’t think I would be happy without him.

How do I get through this? How do you get past the images, the betrayal, the pain? I know in time I’ll feel better, but really, will I ever feel true love for him again, or will I spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder to see if she is still there?

I know I’m supposed to try to fulfill his needs, etc to try to make things better, but truthfully right now I’m hurt. I don’t want to do anything for him. Plus, I’m not sure I can ever have sex with him again without crying through the whole thing. Any comments/ help would be greatly appreciated.

Hello, welcome to MB. I'm truely sorry that you are here under these circumstances. I understand that you are hurt...I've had to deal with my own pain and hurt...

I don't have any experience with your specific situation and I know there are others here who do.

Did I understand correctly that you and your H are reading SAA? What about HNHN (His Needs, Her Needs)?

What about self-care? What have you done for yourself? I'm glad to see that you are AD's, that really helps. Are you sleeping well...it didn't sound like you are? What about eating? I know that was difficult for me for awhile.

Until someone else a little more knowledgeable comes along...I recommend that you read as much as possible on the site.

We read SAA and were doing that. He was making huge improvements and doing the work. He claims that he was withholding those 3 things b/c he knew they were big to me and he felt immense fear in telling me. I haven't read HNHN yet. We have it and I'll start tonight.

I'm trying to take care of myself but its hard. I'm more concerned with taking care of my kids. I'm eating little (lost 8 lbs) and sleeping little. I find at night is the worst b/c I'm alone with thoughts of him and her.

I'm just putting one foot in front of the other right now.

I just don't know how to have a sexual relationship with him again after this. I don't know if I should bother working on it or just take the kids and leave.

SOunds like you have some decision to make...I can tell you that time heals and what you are feelings right now WILL pass with time...You're M can be saved but you have to commit to the hard work...and you and your H have alreadt invested some time in this...

It sounds to me that your H is trying to deal with the situation but may not have the coping or "life" skills that he needs right now.

One thing I have learned here is that I'm number one...even bafore the kids...I know that sounds selfish but consider this...IF YOU ARE NOT WELL...THE KIDS WILL NOT BE...IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO YOU, WHO WILL THEY HAVE right now?

Please make yourself a priority! As far as the long, terrible nights...I invite you to post here...

My H just started working nights and there's some A issues with that and I find if helpful to post...not so lonely!

You are an amazing person for reaching out for help...Good job! And wonderful job on trying to follow SAA...Keep your head up, you are doing wonderful!

Dear KBAM,

I know exactly how you feel, It is the worst possible heartbreak that a person can have in finding out their Spouses are or had an affair. I am also new to this site, and feel compelled to reply to your post.

In regards to your post:

(This woman was the exact opposite of me. She makes very little money and is a single mother of a 2 year old. She is Spanish and speaks broken English. She lives in a bad neighborhood near his job. I’m white, make good money and what I thought was a loving and good wife and mother)


I too discovered that the OW is the complete opposite of me. I am latin, she is White. She does not work, spends all day online has 2 grown screwed up kids, and supposedly her husband cheated on her as well. She drinks, she is ugly and recently went through some sort of surgery that disformed her body. I in the other hand, have a good job, have been told that I am good looking and make more money than he does and I am a great person and mother.


I have spoken to several wise people, who has said to me that men sometimes are intimidated by their spouse for being better then them at certain things. (not all men of course) and that when they cheat they don't find a woman that is prettier or better than their spouse, they find the exact opposite, because the OW makes them feel better about themselves and boost their ego, mostly because they are in a lower level then the WH.
Doesnt' it make sense? I believe it to be true. There are some men out there that has the macho ego, and if that is wounded in any way specially by their spouse. Then unfortunately this is the result.


My WH has also been diagnosed with deppression and anxiety. He will be going to a psychiatrist next week to start on the meds. I know how you feel about not being taken care of, and all the attention is focused on him and he was the betrayer. But the best thing to do is vent your frustrations here and not at him for now, he is in no condition. You don't want to end up feeling guilty if anything were to happen to him. I know it helps, its helping me.

I wish you all the blessing in the world, and you are not alone.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I think you are right. He said he always felt inferior to me and this woman made him feel admired and superior. I think it is odd how opposite she is of me. I think I'm also having confidence issues b/c I asked him to tell me honestly if she was more physically attracted to her. He said yes he is. So I feel like if we stay together he will always be looking at Spanish women and not me. He tells me I'm sexier, etc but he just liked the way she looks. He gave me an honest answer which I appreciate but it is hurtful.

I just need to find a way how to get through this and not let it make me feel bad about myself.

I hope things go well when your husband starts on the meds. I wish you the best on your road to recovery. It helps me to know I'm not as alone as I feel.

KBAM,

Sorry you are here but welcome.

As far as the OM goes, I don't know who said it to me but it helped.

If my FWW had been married to the OM she probably would have chosen me for an A partner.

Why have an A with a carbon copy of your S. I mean hard to justify your behavior. You are exactly like my wife who is such a ......

My FWW like your FWH chose someone below her. I make a good living she was a SAHM. Gym membership, nails, hair waxing etc. She chose a guy digging holes in the ground living in a basement apartment that couldn't afford to pay for their dates.

But alas I figured out it wasn't about me or the OM it was about my FWW. The comparisons were irrelevent. If it wasn't him then it probably would have been someone else.

YOu are still new to this. Feeling inadequet are normal. But you are not. Any BS is not.

The FWS made a choice. The BS may have not made their M affair proof but it doesn't justify the WS behavior.

You will be on a roller coaster but sooner or later you will get off of the ride.

Good luck. Again sorry you are here.

You are right. If it wasn't her then it would have been someone else. He even told me that. Its just hard not to compare yourself to the OP. I'm starting to see the A for what it was. It just takes time and the wound is still fresh for me.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I needed it.

Kbam,

NP. Yes the wound is very fresh but they will heal over time.

You need to try to focus on coming out of this as a better stronger person. A person that does not repeat the mistakes of the past.

It takes a whole lot of soul searching and self examination. Taking ownership of what is yours in this but not taking ownership of what is not yours.

When it is all said and done all you can do is learn from this and become a better person. That is the goal or the destination for me. If being a better person makes my M better great. I want to work on both.

KBAM- I can attest to HL's perspective...he along with many others here has helped me soooo much.

I have faith in you...I know that you will chose to make everyday better than the day before...to the best of your ability...being aware of certain things is half the battle...

You sounds so much better in your later posts today...I wish you the best and will check in later...I also hope that you have a great night and aren't submerged my your feelings...

Sweet dreams of better days to come...

Dear KBAM,

You mentioned in your post that your husband always felt inferior to you! Did you ever complain to him about his job, or lack of one or anything of that nature?

The only reason why I'm asking is because I did that alot. My WH has a job, but I would always tell him that he could do alot better and that his boss only abuses him. I would say it not to put him down in any way but to make him see that he could do so much better and be so much more. But he would take it the complete opposite, and still does.

The OW was very understanding of his emotional needs. Not that he told me, but I would bet that she put him in the pedestal in regards to his job and his entire world. He told me that she would tell him that he was such a great father and such a great person and she had wished that her husband was like him. I'm sure that filled his lovebanks big time.

You said that your HW feels more attracted to the OW but I don't believe its the physical attraction but the mental attraction that makes him attracted to her. She may have deposited lots of lovebanks onto him where you would put him down (only a guess) comparing myself in this aspect. Don't feel inferior to that at all.
I'm sure you are a very attractive woman and you should feel that way. Do something for yourself, join a gym or some sort of recreational activity. My husband and I joined a bowling league. He is a pro at bowling. We are having a great time together. Go do your hair, nails, whatever makes you feel good about yourself. Show him what a beatufil person you are and what he could be losing.

You will see the difference in him when you started doing things differently. Believe me my husband did, he said he saw me in a totally different light. Kind of weird but yes it did happen. Dress up nicely, buy a nice perfume change things, you will start to notice the difference.

Let me know the outcome. I will also follow your story.

God bless you and your family

Yes, I did the same thing. I would push him about his job and only meant for it to benefit him overall. I had no idea that I was hurting his ego so much. I just wanted what was best for our family but he took it as criticism b/c he doesn't make as much. I still fear that me making so much more than him hurts him but I can't help that. I keep trying to tell him I never married him for money. I married him for him.

He spent much of his time with her complaining about how I asked him to do things around the house, etc. Her response to him was that in her country the man makes all the decisions and takes control of the household and he should put in in my place. I guess the fact that he could come and leave with her whenever he wanted and do what he wanted made him feel good. I think it all came down to him needing to feel like a man again, to feel superior in some way. I am very assertive and independant so I totally understand why he went for the exact opposite of me. He even went as far as saying one of the things that he doesn't like about her is the way she carries herself. She is too unsure of herself, etc. He says that one of the things he finds so sexy about me is the way I carry myself. Very confident and sure. I guess the opposite of me is just what he needed at the time.

I think no matter how much I analyze this I will never understand how he lost his mind the way he did during this time. Instead I'm trying to take a step towards healing by accepting what has happened and moving forward. I'm trying to meet all the needs he went to her for. Although, sometimes it is really challenging wanting to meet those needs.

He is very sorry and is really broken down over this (almost to the point where he can't function). He loves me alot and I don't think it would happen again. It just is frustrating b/c I know we have a hard road ahead of us. We see a marriage counselor Wed, so I hope she can help us.

KBAM,

I have been on this sight for 2 months now, that is when I confronted my WW about withdrawing from our marriage. She is dead set on a D and has moved out.

I know that it is hard to see, but you have been given a great gift. This will help you to become a much stronger person. Also, he has shown a willingness to work on your relationship (I wish that were the case for me). Seize the opportunity!

Don't worry about his job. If she is there, he should quit and break any and all contact with her. There are plenty of other jobs out there for him. Your marriage and family should be your #1 priority.

He is so depressed because of his guilt and the fact that he has hurt you. I don't know how religious you are, but one thing to remember is that the bible says that love is patient and kind. Transfer that into your relationship with him. You are here because you have put his needs above yours (otherwise you would have divorced him already). Trust that your relationship can be better than it ever was. He will see that you stayed with him through a very traumatic time, and he will be incredibly thankful for it.

I too have to fight back the images of my WW with OM, but I have to wait for the relationship to die it's own death. I love her so unconditionally that I know that someday I will be able to be intimate with her again (assuming she is willing to come back). The bible also says that love is not jealous. That helps me, perhaps it can help you.

Bottom line is that you have a gift in front of you. Seize it and fight for your marriage! Read many of the threads on this site. It will help you. Do this, and trust me, you won't be sorry.

bgtg is right, he has to quit the job and end all contact with the OW. You can just consider this affair as ONGOING as long as they see each other at work every day. He will NEVER withdraw from her and your marriage will NEVER recover. Skip this step only if you want to spend the next few years dealing with an on-again, off- again affair, because, trust me, that is what you are facing. You will "wonder" every morning if this is the day he gives into temptation when he goes off to work. And eventually he will give in to it.

But the first thing he needs to do is send her a NO CONTACT LETTER. From SAA:

Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...