Hey Paul,

It's sort of nice to hear from you again. Sorry it couldn't be under better circumstances of course.



Paul I think all of these things are under your control. You aren't powerless to the carrot and you are in control of your own happiness.

I understand you still love your W but you can also look at it objectively. Weighing the positives and negatives. Try to be realistic and realize there are probably more negatives and those negatives are things SHE brings to the R (her drinking, poor communication, conflict avoider, really doesn't love you like she could, etc.). Given the circumstances today you shouldn't want her back.

She left, D'ed you. If she wishes to reverse those things she'll have to persue you with some serious gusto. YOU'RE MOVING ON. Make her work for your attention. You need to do this for you and for her. You can't always be the soft landing for her when she falls. You deserve better.

It's within your power to keep things in perspective. Keep yourself centered. Don't get sucked into thinking things are any different than they really are. You are D'ed. Plain and simple. Give yourself some time to grieve and then begin the process of moving on (I'm sure you've started that already). But, you know what I mean.

You KNOW your life will get better with or without her. The choice to have it get better is YOURS.

Stay strong my friend. Keep on keeping on.

So good to hear from you MyAlias, you have been such a good friend to me on this board throughout 2006 and have given such great advice! I appreciate it more than you know.

Your points are very valid, but I still love her despite her shortcomings. The reason being is because I know her heart is in a good place and when it comes down to it, she is a great person.

I will keep trying to get through my days and move forward without her as hard as it is. I guess if she REALLY wants me back in her life, she will pursue me...so I should leave it at that. That will be the true test. I guess time will tell.

Right now my life just seems so empty and void. Doing small things like going to the grocery store, etc. seem likes such work. Even cooking meals for myself are so mundane compared to the days when my wife and I cooked together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I know happiness is a choice, but right now it is very elusive. I guess this feeling of "nothing feels good" is normal considering I'm only 2-3 weeks from being newly divorced...even though I saw it coming for months and months before.

I'm glad I was there to help in whatever way I helped.

I'm sure this is the hardest thing you've every had to do. Hopefully with each passing day it gets easier Paul. I'm sure it will if you make a conscious effort to let it pass.

I certainly can't talk you out of loving her. That's something you feel and probably will always feel. I suppose I was trying to look at the negatives to give you ammunition to help you continue on your journey of moving on. I thought that maybe if you tried to balance things a little it would take the sting out of the situation.

The only advice I can give to you right now seeing you're hurting so bad is just try to keep going. Grieve, yes, but don't let the grief take over. Depression can be very, very destructive. If you can muster the energy keep moving.

Try to look to the future. You've got an open slate, a new palatte. Free to do as you please and free to be with whomever you wish. Maybe if you try to think that way you'll stop looking to the past and the hurt will subside a little quicker.

Guys don't hug (I guess) so I'll just give you an encouraging pat on the shoulder. Sure would be nice if you had a buddy close by to help you pass the time. Any thoughts of getting active in some sort of social event?

Thanks MyAlias,

Yes, I'm trying to get more active. See, the thing that makes all this even MORE difficult is that I work from home so I am isolated a lot. On top of that, I already have chronic anxiety and the divorce only compounds it. BUT...despite all that, I'm doing some things.

*Joined a gym and will start going a bit more and even going to take a yoga class.

*Started an art class in a college town 20 minutes from me.

*Still trying to exercise by running at least every other day.

*Adding meditation to my day 2X a day, 30-40 minutes each.

*Will start seeing my therapist a bit more again

*Start DivorceCare Group next Thursday

Trust me, doing all the above plus just doing everyday things like cooking, etc. are VERY difficult for me right now. I'm hoping with time and exposure, my confidence will rise and my anxiety will decrease. I'm a natural born worrier and that doesn't help. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Paul,

All of that sounds like really good stuff. So I haven't got any more good advice for you.

I think the Group idea is the best. Only one way around the social anxiety and that's to go through IT. Try to be social. Of course I'm not an expert so I could be way off base there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

What's interesting to me is that you seem to be quite the social creature here on this forum ... yet you have face-to-face social anxiety. I'm not trying to put you on the spot. I'm just curious. What is it about you that scares you when confronted with a social setting? Is it something subconscious or are you aware why you're fearful?

I will tell you what it is MyAlias and this will sound crazy...but over the past year or so I've developed this kind of phobia of either getting sick or passing out. If I'm not with someone I'm comfortable with or close to home, it makes it worse. Don't ask me where it came from, it just sort of snowballed on me.

I face this anxiety when I go driving on the turnpike, going out to eat, etc.

I think the problem is I'm just highly stressed already. I've also suffered with chronic pain for about 10 years...pelvic pain. It is like I have this pain in my rear end, tightness and burning. What it is, is muscle spasms and knots right in my bum. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Long story short, all of these symptoms started during a really stressful time in my life and I've never got rid of them. I've been all over the US for this, even the Mayo Clinic. There really is no real solution to it...but it looks like daily relaxation is the key.

SO...needless to say, I'm "on edge" all the time and I think over the years this has caused chronic anxiety. Because if you think about it, my body is never FULLY relaxed. I'm not in tons of pain, it is more of just an annoyance.

So there you go, something I never really wanted to discuss, but I have to be honest.

Paul,

I appreciate your honestly. Really. Nothing to be ashamed of. Many of us have our little things that can become big things.

I have anxiety in certain situations. I hate public speaking. Even if it's in a small group meeting. Unless I know everyone there really well I can pretty nervous and have little anxiety attacks. I, too, almost feel like I'm blacking out or something. I get really dizzy. Really embarassing although I haven't been exposed to too many situations lately where it could reoccur.

I'm really sorry to hear about your chronic pain even though you've mentioned it before. Thanks for giving more details. Interestingly enough I have back muscle spasm issues. Have for about 20 years now. I have to be real careful when lifting or squatting or bending over. I know this isn't nearly as extreme as your condition but I do know what muscle spasms both minor and major feel like. Having a lower back muscle spasms is one of the worst pains I've ever experienced. It leaves me incapacitated. I've seen several doctors and several physcial therapists. It's much better now but I still have to limit what I do. Thanks goodness I can golf as much as I'd like with little to no problems.

My cubicle buddy does yoga. She oftens talks about it's effects on helping her stay relaxed and emotionally centered. She's hooked on it and often feels crummy when she's missed a session or two. Hopefully it will help you much the same way.

MyAlias,

If you suffer from back pain, you have got to check out the books on Amazon.com from Dr. Sarno. It will really open your mind. Just an FYI.

I have NO doubt my anxiety and chronic pain got to be too much for my ex-wife. She even said once, when we went to a therapy session at the beginning of our separation...that she felt second to my pain and anxiety. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> By NO means did I mean for her to feel that way. THAT is what made me take her for granted, I lost focus on her during all the crap I was dealing with. I think it just got to be too much for her overtime.

Next time around, I will make sure my next mate knows of this, BUT...I will try to not make it center of my world like I did with my wife. It will take a really, really caring person and understanding person. My ex was that way, but I guess she just hit her breaking point.

Next time around I will make sure I don't complain so much and keep more focus on my mate and don't lose track of that.

Oh I know what to do to eliminate my back pain. I'm just not that regimented to do all the little exercises they recommend. I do best just trying to be careful when I feel it tightening up. Thanks for the recommendation. I'll check it out.

chronic pain

(*sighs*)

You know it is horrible that you have to live with this. Worse it becomes an obstacle in your Rs and impacts other areas as well.

I'll keep my fingers crossed that you find some cures and are able to lead a less painful and stressful life.

I've got to go for now. Have a good weekend.

Paul, I don't know that your x's actions mean much. If you wish to remain open to reconciliation, you may do so. But, remember talk is cheap. Unless she walks a walk toward reconciliation, it can't happen.

As for your pain, have you considered seeing a chiropractor or massage therapist. I have a chronic pain beneath one of my shoulder blades. My orthopedist recommended massage for it. I doubt there is a muscle in my neck or back that isn't overly tense. Just can't shake it. Job change to a less stressful job didn't eliminate it. Nothing does but, boy, after a massage and an adjustment, I feel fantabulous!!!!

Honor your time together by spending time meeting in a neutral place and allowing yourselves to be purely honest with each other. If you are divorced, no one has anything to really lose any more. The battles are fought the dust is settled and well meaning friends and family are out of your face. Don't judge each other. Whether she had a BF or not really doesn't matter. What matters is how she feels, just like how you may want people to avoid you for your chronic anxiety. Maybe things just got to be too overwhelming for her just like they might if you had any other type of disease or disorder. But you will never know and you can never heal your wounds without allowing the honest exchange of feelings. Just be sure to set your boundaries for your conversations first and keep the focus on the underlying feelings. It's hard not to fly off the handle. My ex and I were able to do it after a very contentious divorce and I do feel some healing has been able to occur. I still hope for a reconciliation but I think in my case there may just be too much water under our bridge. Blessings to you. I hope you and your ex are both able to heal...

i don't know but it sounds like she is questioning whether the D was the right thing and who ever said you couldn't get back together marriage is a commitment and divorce is a piece of paper who said you can't get rid of that peice of paper

but yes the intentions have to be true and if you never talk to her about it how would you ever know ?

but it really comes down to you and what you are willing to do about it try a date or do something together and see how it feels

i see so many hurt people here talking about how good the D was for them but they are never talking about how it has affected the rest of the people in their family i though this was the marriage builders website not the " i fannaly got rid of him/her website " there are plenty of divorce boards out there for people to bash their EX's most people are here to try and fix their marriage if they can... sorry to rant but i know how hard i'm working on my marriage and am looking for some help i'm just sick of seeing the negitives that get posted here