I posted in the prayer section late last week - thanks all for the prayers.

My wife promised me up and down there was no other person involved and I believed her - she was still wanting to sell the house or even let it be foreclosed on and had no desire to see a counselor or get back into church.

Monday morning I found emails, and logs of her talking EXPLICITLY about the sexual relationship she is having w/ a 39 yr old man (she is 25 and I am 26) that she was dating before we got together 6 years ago. She only admitted it when I showed her the proof I had.

Now she is telling me pretty much that if there is a chance of us working it out (we agreed to stay in the house for 2 - 3 months until it is sold/foreclosed)I had to keep the adultery a secret and not tell anyone about it. We are friendly, but there is no emotions behind any thing she is doing w/ me - its not about making love or anything (thats not happened and probably will not)but no hugging (i did get to shake her hand a few days ago), no touching, no meaning behind anything we talk about or do together.

I asked for the other guy not to be in the picture while we are under the same roof and she has not contacted him other than to tell him it was my request and she needed to respect that. We get itemized phone bills and she knows even text messages show up on that, she knows there is a tracker and keylogger on the home pc and she has no pc to do anything w/ at work...

But he has still been making it very hard by the way he is making/changing his myspace profile for his and her benefit. She does not contact him, but she looks and reads the things, and sees the pics he is putting on his profile.

She listens to "their" song a lot and wants her privacy but I dont know how to do that right now...

Any advice?

Mid-20's...do you guys have any kids together?

I have a 7 yr old boy - he calls my wife Momanda.. for Amanda. He loves her like a mother.

I am sorry for you. It really sounds like she has been playing you all along. Exposure is essential. What she is wanting to do is to keep it quiet until she leaves so there will be no consequences to her actions. She has shown she has no problem lying, cheating on you and putting your health at risk for STD's. I think you should protect yourself and see an attorney to understand your legal options and obligations. I would not be surprised if she has already seen one.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. You might want to post in General Questions II also, as there is more traffic there.

It is absolutely necessary to expose the affair to anyone who has any influence on your wife. Also if the other man is married, expose the affair to his wife.

Then start reading about Plan A, and start there. Are there any things that she complained about BEFORE the affair?

We would fuss over money issues and I was on unemployement for a while after I got laid off - I went thru CDL school and took the first job that came up. She said she has not been happy for a while and that He gave her what I had not been - the attention, affection, butterflies and tinglies, and that kind of thing. She says He has changed since they dated 6 or so years ago. They were together as boyfriend and girlfriend for three years but never lived w/ him - they broke up 4 times in 6 months and then we met about 2 months after there last break up. She says she was not over him and never had closure.

She says she needs time to find herself, make herself happy, and worry about her. She said she does not a want a LTR w/ anyone right now. So asked why she was writing him things like "we will be together when we can, and it will last forever, and My future is w/ you etc...."

She said thats what He needed to hear.....

If you believe what she just told you then I have a bridge to sell you.

TC:

Sorry you are here and welcome to MB. As hard as it will be, you must expose this affair for two reasons. First, this is your best line of defense for ensuring that this affair comes to and end. Continued secrecy only allows the fire to not be put out. Secondly, lets assume that you both decide to recover your marriage. This will be a rollercoaster event. There will be times when you need a "shoulder to cry on" with a family member or someone close other than your wife. Having this exposed now, will keep those doors open to you down the road.

Lastly, through recovery you will have times where there is a lot of entitlment and resentment that you will build up towards her. There are a bunch of different reasons why this happens and there is a good discussion of this on Artor's thread (Anyone have a 2x4) over in GQII. But as I explained in one of my posts there, part of my resentment is that my FWW had her thing and really suffered no consequences i.e. I didn't know about it until more than 10 yrs after AE so what was the purpose of letting anyone else know except for OMW (which I did expose to). Well know it seems that both of them got off scot free so to speak. This causes emotional frustration for me now because I am a big believer that we must all take whatever consequences there are for our actions.

So I am begging you to not listen to your fogged out wayward wife. She has no say in whether or not this marriage continues. She made the choice to have an affair, you did not get to partake in that decision...but the decision to move on or rebuild your relationship is totally in your control and hands and if that is your choice you must do whatever it takes to increase the likelihood of success for that recovery process. First step to this is to put the affair in a deathgrip and ensure that it does not rekindle. Exposure does this. She will be pissed and she will probably threaten all kinds of things and wonder how that you could do that to her. Reverse babble her and tell her that you did it because you love her, want to save your marriage and that exposure was the only way to do that. Talk to other FWW's around here and they will tell you they probably said the same things to their BH prior to exposure but now are glad that the exposure happened.

Do not warn her, just expose to those who can help stop this affair and then set back and duck for a few days.

NT

Also, you need to set some additional boundaries. If she is using myspace as her way to keep "close" to OM, set a boundary that use of myspace for any reason is not an acceptable behavior. Since you have a keylogger, you can and should enforce this boundary.

In addition to keyloggers and spyware, there are Internet Filtering applications you can get.

These allow you to block all access to certain sites (some will even report attempted access to you by email).

You may want to install this as well to prevent her from getting to MySpace.

This doesn't mean she won't go to the library or a friend's house to access it, but it will make it more difficult and easier to detect if she doesn't have ready access to it at home.