Right now I'm four months out from d-day and in the long stretch it feels like. Day in and day out it's coping with the stiff rejection and trying to get to a place of living confidently and heal from the destruction of my failed marriage.

I realize this is not a quick fix and will take much more time, but I really want to learn from this failure. I just feel like with my wife's unwillingness to reconcile, or even showing any glint of remorse that I must've really, honestly been a bad husband.

As if for her living in sin were a better alternative to living with me. That is quite an indictment. I know I'm being hard on myself, being my own worse critic, but this adultery thing can get me all twisted up in the head sometimes.

The thing is: I want to change from this for myself. I know I have a lot of work to do, but I just feel like the same old person. I'm down, feeling like I'm the problem. When I know that's not true... it's just too easy to fall into right now, especially in the face of an indignant, unforgiving wayward wife.

What can I do to start seeing some improvements in myself? I mean, obviously I can't test it out in a relationship for a while, but then I feel like when I do, it will be... alright, "showtime." Prove you've changed, and don't screw up this time. Too much pressure. It's just me assuming all responsibility again, dammit.

Is this just a big lifelong process or what? And if so, why don't waywards understand we ALL have something to work out, something that doesn't quite measure up as we are all humans... with warts, every one of us. Why do waywards always believe the grass is greener?

Good to see you, Cor!

"Why do waywards always believe the grass is greener?"

Because they pee all over their own grass and turn it brown.

Next question?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

Cause there not as smart as us <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

We have to take the time to educate them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Stick around and keep posting here....it helps to vent your frustrations here and before you know it, you will see who you really are.
In the mean time <----Wispering----> just fake it.

JS

Lovinganyway....you are truly the master....JS<---->bowing down.

JS

hahahaha! They have that affect on things, don't they.

I should know...I was one.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

So, Cor...what's your personal recovery plan?

What can you see in your own post that might be hurting you...like you cutting your own finger?

Can you tell me more about the rejection you're experiencing right now?

LA

This is pretty bare, but here it is.


My recovery plan as of now is continuing in IC, I'm now in a divorce recovery group, talking with friends and family and attempting to get out more, relate more, doing more of what makes me who I am (hobbies, interests, facing fears and getting on with life) not putting it off... I'm doing not too bad, but there's still a block there and as the pain resides a little, I feel like I'm getting comfortable with the old-self again, when I need to be more dynamic, confident. A lot to ask of myself, especially right now...


In this post? Self-defeatist thoughts and ideas, perpetuating that philosophy by my actions, whether it be avoidance or unacceptance. Taking the fact that I have (as we all do) inadequacies and making it more of who I am instead of what I must overcome or just need to plainly accept as part of life, part of being human, grace for myself.

But instead I'm putting too much pressure on myself to be... the man, all the time, and then not living up to the standard and beating myself up for it. Taking too much responsibility, even for things I cannot control but believing I should be able to control at least what is closet to me... i.e. my spouse, my life. I'm learning this is completely wrong. I know it. I don't want to have to take on the whole world, believe me. But the rejection seems to reconfirm that I need to control more, be better instead of letting go more, and accepting faults...

Hey, this is it. Bare bones here. Not pretty, but I'm sick of it.


Oh yeah, rejection means inadequacy. Not living up to something or someone. For me, my WW said she could not get past all the hurt I'd caused her, too many little things, not one big one, just too many little ones. Makes me feel like EVERYTHING I did wasn't good enough. She failed to ask what about her drove me nuts, so I don't get that release of proving it's not just me, as though she gets the last word and yet she is the wayward one.

I know, I know, this is me putting too much pressure on myself to perform. This isn't about preforming, it's about forgiveness... much of it for myself. I can keep going on with these nagging feelings, or I can come here and write them down, so I come here.

thanks for the time,

No comments? I suppose I'm beyond help... haha.

Anyway, I look back on my M and seems to me like my WW was never in it to win it (so to speak) from the beginning. I can't tell, but seems as though she checked out early on. Just no emotion there, no connection at all.

So now I feel used. She waited long enough until she was making decent money and could support herself and then conveniently went out and had an affair. She then presents me with a laundry list of reasons why I didn't fit the bill.

The things people do... maybe this is who she really is, a phantom who goes through relationships and people like they were nothing. I know her relationship before ours ended very badly with her issuing a restraining order against her bf. She later equated me with this person, making me out to be something of a monster, I suppose.

I can't help but see how baseless this whole thing has become. Everyone wants something they can't have it seems. Last I heard divorce in my state for first marriages hovers around the 65% mark. 65 per cent!

Marriage just does not matter to many people anymore. My WW once "accused" me of wanting to stay in our marriage just because I felt obligated to uphold my commitments whether I was happy or not, or whether we were still compatible. And that I liked to "fix" things.

Her justification for most of her actions have been based on "happiness." I may never understand what happened. All I know is I hope to never think as a wayward does and I hope to never need rely on those with that mindset ever again.

Here's to the future! May all our days be full of hope.

Corinth,

Sorry you are here and sorry about your situation.

All of the negatives you are seeing now in her you will avoid in the future.

You will chose more wisely in the future. You will make better decisions and hopefully you will not make the same mistakes you made this time.

Of course the grass is always greener. The people on the other side of the fence take care of it. So when people decide to go to where the grass is greener and it is now their responsibility to take care of it you can bet it will die too. Then they will want to go where the grass is greener. Always with the same results until they decide to take care of it.

The one thing a WS does though is create enough BS to fertalize the lawn.

Thanks HL,

The other side often times appears better. But that's just it, it appears to be something it is not. Different not better, playing in the mud in someone else's yard. Very sad for those who fall into it and their pride won't let them out.

I know I will be able to choose better in the future, but somehow right now I question if there are any women with heart and sensibility left. It just seems like a million to one shot anymore. Marriage is tough, complex, but where's the joy, companionship, stability? All I know of marriage is hardship.

I'm ready to know the rest of it.

Sounds like you are recovering. You are going through one of the phases. It is normal to feel defective when your life partner rejects you.

I think of folks like Lady Diana. Her prince husband cheated with that other person (YIKES!!!!) Lady Diana was one of the most admired women in the world.

..but she got involved in an A as well, didn't she?

Corinth,
I feel your pain. I am going through the exact same thing. It's so hard to believe that someone who you trust so implicitly can do these things to you.

You need to accept responsibility for what you have done for causing her to question her feelings, but you can't blame yourself for her actions. You have no responsibility for that. She should have done what any loving, caring, responsible spouse would do and told you how she felt. You did not make her jump into another man's arms.

Your actions of fighting for your marriage show that you are clearly a good husband, and put her needs above your own.

My WW is doing the exact same thing as yours. She just moved out, and is still actively seeing OM. I have blamed myself for what I am responsible for (allowing the situation get to where it has), but she never gave me any indication that she was questioning her feelings.

Stay the course. The emotional roller coaster sucks. This is the most difficult thing you will ever go through. I hope you the best of luck. Keep posting, I know I will.

I feel it as well, I am currently in a fight to not let the disintegration of the relationship get as far as yours has. Divorce is just as painful as finding out about an affair. I have lived through the former multiple times in my childhood, and the latter is my current timeline.
Here is my take on it; It may have been wrong for her to have the affair, and she should not have reacted in that way, but she is not totally to blame for her feelings. Look up and read the poem by Ella Wheeler Wilcox, "An Unfaithful Wife To Her Husband". As for myself, I lived it. I wanted more than anything for Stacy to be proud of me, and I worked so hard outside of our home to gain that approval, I neglected what was truly important.
As far as advice, I don't know what you are looking for. Encouragement, I can give. I am, in my own pain, a fountain of encouragement. I dove into the Bible, and that's my well, along with my kids. When I hear them say "I love you Daddy", and when I look into their eyes and hear their eyes say "Don't give up", that's all I need. I extend my hand, heart, and prayers to you.

thanks believer, MIM, bgt, and str8 --

Yes, at this point it's encouragement I need. I'll keep reading what I can on this subject, posting and generally soaking up any and all things which help me move forward. I keep praying for my wife as we move toward divorce and beyond. Like all of us, she has potential to be a great woman, this will hurt though.

I know I failed my wife and she also failed me. I know what I need to do better and wiser the next time around. I struggle with my culpability in this matter, there are a few areas I need to really work on to be a truly good husband, but in time, I will learn.

Bottom line is it's about forgiveness, of one another and one-self.

Maybe you should check out Turning Point Online's radio archives, and listen to the Home Improvement Series. These messages from Dr. David Jeremiah will truly touch your heart, and teach you, encourage you, and certainly give you strength. I have them in mp3 format, and I will be more than happy to get them to you, if you wish. Just PM me.

Corinth...

Why do you take a lapse of time as someone not willing to comment? What if they MISSED the response, hmmm? Doesn't have a thing to do about willing...desire...does it?

That's what I was asking you in your first post...the perception you are choosing sounds very pain-inflicting to your self.

"Day in and day out it's coping with the stiff rejection and trying to get to a place of living confidently and heal from the destruction of my failed marriage."

Stiff rejection...you said that meant constant feelings of inadequacy. Would you find out if you're adequate for you, your own expectations, which means you experience a lot of shame...or if you're focused solely on not living up to others' expectations, which would feel like guilt? Where's the payoff in that, btw, choosing to believe you are inadequate, less than others?

You're choosing not to hear your WW's words...SHE can't get past it...that's hers, not yours. Why do you steal others' truth and hurt yourself with it? Her inadequacy in believing she can't get over the past is hers. Why take it as yours?

By taking on what isn't yours, YOU are making everything feel like failure and it isn't. Can you look at the fantasy you're in and strive instead to grab reality with two hands? You are the one comparing yourself to others...as if another man wouldn't do what you did...which is fantasy. Don't know. Can't know. You know what you did, why you did it and you're not doing it anymore. That's truth, not fantasy.

First step in forgiveness is owning the offenses. Can you go back and really take stock of the little things you did...not the ones that "made" her feel...the little things you did that doesn't meet your own standards? Write them down...sort through with your own perception and ownership...not someone else saying, "You hurt me"...and then make a list of all you did that hurt yourself? That you're STILL doing?

Second step, to not do those things again. Third...forgive yourself...you know what you did and why, and are not choosing to do them again. You've amended your actions with new awareness and commitment. You didn't lose your marriage...you couldn't have. You were only half of it.

"I realize this is not a quick fix and will take much more time, but I really want to learn from this failure."

Your marriage didn't fail...unless you choose to believe that. You can fail your marriage, fail to stay aware, enforce boundaries, honor, respect and cherish it...or your partner can...I don't see where the union fails just because one or both of the partners do.

Unless you have a payoff in believing you had that much power to control what you really had no control over?

"I just feel like with my wife's unwillingness to reconcile, or even showing any glint of remorse that I must've really, honestly been a bad husband."

Why are you choosing to be a slave to what isn't your opinion? Is it your opinion you're a bad husband? Your own, not due to anyone else's opinion?

"As if for her living in sin were a better alternative to living with me."

OUCH...Boy, do I want to take that butcher knife out of your hand for your innocent self's sake...OUCH. Honestly, could you chose a more distorted, fantasy filled way to stab yourself?

Reality check--she is choosing to continue living in a fantasy because her perception of reality is full of resentment, anger, pain and fear...not your doing, hers. You're true reality...her husband, her partner...someone who knows all of her from years of daily connection...is that being a bad husband?

"That is quite an indictment."

You choosing to indict yourself. What do they say in court? A man who chooses to represent himself has a fool for a client? Be yourself. Don't represent and do not charge yourself with crimes which you weren't doing.

"I know I'm being hard on myself, being my own worse critic, but this adultery thing can get me all twisted up in the head sometimes."

Only you can straighten it out...gain clarity through focus...only you can do that. Reasonably, why would you punish yourself for someone else's offenses? Why is your jury sentencing the victim? Can you look inside and discover the ways you betrayed, harmed and forsook yourself, crimes humans do inside...and arrest yourself for self-battery?

"The thing is: I want to change from this for myself."

What is "this"?

"I know I have a lot of work to do, but I just feel like the same old person."

Until you decide to see yourself as new every day, and we humans are, then you will not act new nor see others as new. It's a great choice.

"I'm down, feeling like I'm the problem."

You believe humans can be problems, not just have them?

"When I know that's not true..."

Then really know it and live it...take into your belief system and choose your life from that truth.

"...it's just too easy to fall into right now, especially in the face of an indignant, unforgiving wayward wife."

Great to know that the anger of others controls your choices...that not forgiving yourself...I mean your WW forgiving you limits who you are, what you feel and how you live.

"What can I do to start seeing some improvements in myself?"

Look for them. They are already there. Stop measuring yourself against others' responses...stop measuring yourself entirely. Try it. Be human.

"I mean, obviously I can't test it out in a relationship for a while, but then I feel like when I do, it will be... alright, "showtime." Prove you've changed, and don't screw up this time."

Ouch, ouch...Arrest this man for assault yesterday, and again today, and for the one he's committing tomorrow.

"Too much pressure."

There is no pressure from others for you to perform, to earn love or be punished. That is your choice, in your life, perception and perspective. Revoke your permission to earn security from others and you to take it away from yourself. Revoke your permission to punish yourself because you will punish others. Invoke your permission to love yourself so you can truly love others as well.

God didn't earn our love. He chose to give it...so we do with one another...and ourselves. Please choose this, Corinth...please? Let this be your focus, your treasure, where your thoughts dwell and thrive...

"It's just me assuming all responsibility again, dammit."

Hey, if you take all the blame, you have all the power, right? Nasty cycle.

"Is this just a big lifelong process or what? And if so, why don't waywards understand we ALL have something to work out, something that doesn't quite measure up as we are all humans... with warts, every one of us. Why do waywards always believe the grass is greener?"

Why would you ask Waywards to understand reality when they are justifying running from it? Why would you ask someone stone drunk to act sober? That's you doing that...why are you taking their judgments of you as sound and true?

Find the answers to those questions and you'll have charted your true course to personal recovery. I promise. How I did it...and seeing that I measured myself through the eyes of others was the biggest break through...

Why would I measure myself in other human eyes when I live my life from my own? Doesn't that judgment disconnect me from God?

LA

Thanks LA for taking the time to write responses to all of this, I've read this a few times already and there's a lot here worth considering.

I think what it comes down to is that for some reason I allow myself to be defined all too often by other people. How they react to me is how I perceive myself. It's gotten better... but I still sometimes feel like if people around me are upset, uncomfortable, disagreeable, shy, etc. it is because of something I'm doing or some vibe I'm giving off.

Imagine going through life like this... it's not easy. Some call it social anxiety and recommend taking drugs for it, I call it misunderstanding, which I'm now finally seeking a solution however long or hard the road is, I do not want to continue to be compromised.


I believe this is at the core of your message and it's something I need to learn.

I'll respond to more of this later.

Cor,

"but I still sometimes feel like if people around me are upset, uncomfortable, disagreeable, shy, etc. it is because of something I'm doing or some vibe I'm giving off.

Imagine going through life like this... it's not easy. Some call it social anxiety and recommend taking drugs for it, I call it misunderstanding, which I'm now finally seeking a solution however long or hard the road is, I do not want to continue to be compromised."

LOL--I lived 43 years like that! I know it's not easy...believing I'm causing others to be uncomfortable, or angry, distant or dependent...freeing myself of that was huge.

And no, I'm not 100% at it, either...after two years, about four times I've slipped into it again...and reconnected to truth again...I don't make others...I'm not that powerful.

Now, help me out...you don't want to continue to be compromised? I'm confused. I missed something here. Did I overlap? I do that.

And thank you for being here...that you respond matters to me...we're all on this journey together, I believe, and you're willing to share yours...that's a privilege...because what I share with you is what I've experienced on mine...

Same for everyone here, I believe. And it's great practice for me to be O&H (open and honest)...which is part of my goal to live a respectful life.

I look forward to more...

LA

Str8, I'm going to see if I can get a hold of some of those Turning Point radio archives. Those sound good. Thanks.

LA, I'm grateful for your insight and for taking the time to attempt to bring me to a better place. All this without even knowing me. You are helping me realize many things I didn't understand before.

Earlier when I wrote I don't want to continue to be compromised I meant I don't want to be living half-way, sabotaging myself and my own efforts at life, which has been a big problem for me. Imagining failure instead of experiencing it. To fail is to have tried at least, and can be a good thing, imagining failure is probably the most counter-productive thing I can do to myself. Experiencing rejection without ever experiencing it is so hurtful, and is at the middle of all this.

I can see now many things I was doing wrong in my marriage. Speaking for my wife instead of letting her speak for herself. When you've talked about ownership it is saying, "I" instead of "you," not blaming but taking responsibility. If I said something like "this makes me feel" instead of "you are clueless..." is both respectful and honest.

You wrote a while ago, "learn to live and love respectfully"... I wrote that down and have always remembered it. Not feeling dutiful towards others' actions is part of that, I think. It's giving others the right to be and act how they will and in turn giving myself that right as well.

The next step is working on myself. Imagining success, forgiving my misgivings, and taking responsibility for myself. I don't want to fall into this idea of complacency with all this, like forgiving means allowing things to slide... there has to be a middle ground of letting go of "control" and living in the moment, but also knowing where right and wrong begin and end and when to enforce boundaries and when to be transparent and vulnerable.

This comes to areas of morality as well. When to enforce without budging and when to let experience be the better teacher. I don't know yet.

I'm reading a book now and it talks about men being servant-leaders. Sounds like an oxymoron but it is really very sound. It means, I suppose, leading with compassion, taking into account the needs of others before yourself while also showing the benefits of wise decisions to those whom you are accountable for. This being the family.

I guess I don't want to go through life feeling like a second class citizen, thinking the next guy has it all together when he's really just as screwed up as the rest of us. I'm tired of believing the lies when I easily know the truth. I just want to KNOW it, in my bones.