Here I go again... fighting with myself. Thinking negative things about myself. That I will be rejected again, that I am too emotional, that I let too much out... I am convinced somewhere that a man shouldn't, in the least, be more emotional than the woman he's with.

I let my mind go to these places... these future scenarios that don't even exist yet. It gets me bundled up inside and then I feel I have to let it out before I burst. And so being honest I have to tell someone right? I can't just hold it in... to be honest I have to be honest... but how far do I take it?

I surely can't go to my wife for strength, she will lose respect for me. I can't hold it in because then eventually it's like a champagne bottle bursting... so what do I do?

Should I be honest about my thoughts that are going in twenty different directions at once sometimes. Searching for definition. Driving for answers... that's me. And I don't like keeping it in, at least with someone who's close to me. I can't do it. I can't be even keeled. I am not overboard about it... just question alot of things sometimes and need to voice my misunderstandings, insecurities, unknowns... but to a woman that seems like weakness, right?

I don't know... all I know is I'm fearing rejection again in the future. If it happened again... what then? Maybe I should take three years and not date anyone... but what good will that do me? Just me being alone for three years. I'm not suggesting I MUST be with someone, but look, I'm in my thirties, I am tired of going through life without a companion, my WW obviously has no desire to be that compainion to me... she ditches the whole deal and walks. Fine. Have a nice long walk. That is her deal now.

But I am ready to live life with someone who is realistic about wanting to have a partner in life. Someone to rely on... someone to know her and her to trust me.

"You are not your enemy. Your emotions are not to be fought nor run from...they are to be received, understood...known. They have a purpose."

But I believe love is a choice. So at any time someone can choose to not be with me because of my emotions. Women seem to want a man who just is... no emotions, just a man who is there, secure, all that... but then after a while they want to know "what are you thinking" all the time. But if they really knew any of the insecurities, they would lose respect.

That is a crummy belief, but I have it anyway. Man... exhausting sometimes...

I've been thinking about my WW a bit lately. Seven months from the start of her affair and she still hasn't acknowledged (at least not to me) that she has done anything wrong. Nothing more than saying it wasn't how she "planned" it to happen. As if her truer plan would have been less disrespectful.

I've come to the belief that she would not, could not, have carried through with our marriage no matter what I had done. Her complete emotional detachment could not have been caused by my actions. While I have taken responsibility for my side of the broken marriage, I cannot take them all, as she would like for me to do. She has attempted to pin her dissatisfaction on me by pointing out my flaws and judging them -- yet turning it around and accusing me of being judgmental.

I'm still working on forgiving her and letting her go off and live the life she is laying a foundation for today. It still boggles my mind, that this IS the person I married. The person that is doing all of this IS my wife. This seems to be how she resolves problems. She is not in a fog, unless that fog is her life.

No, she is living from her beliefs and views and her actions now are an extension of that. I keep wondering why she hasn't hit that wall yet, and it is because her affair doesn't conflict with her beliefs. The consequences may come to bear sooner or later, but as far as her conscience she needn't conflict with that because she is in line with her beliefs, at least adultery seems to be an acceptable alternative to "unhappiness" in this belief system.

So my goal now is simply to work on myself. Learning all over again how to live and be comfortable with myself. Knowing that how I treat myself is how I will treat others. For everything I've gained from these circumstances far outweigh the loss. I am a better person now. More able to understand how and where I affect that which is around me. Working toward cultivating a new way of living. Having hope for the future. Practicing relating to others in a healthier way. Knowing that I can only truly share myself with others rather than own or enmesh with them.

I still pray for my WW. Learning to give her up. Knowing I have no control over her decisions. Accepting that I cannot manipulate anything... ever. I am not that powerful or able. Being able to be wrong. Being able to be defeated. Allowing it to happen, because in our weakness we find the most strength sometimes. And God teaches us to lean on Him through our trials and then from a point of greater humility.

HOLY CROW, COR!!!

You sound FANTASTIC!!!

You got IT!!!

((((((COR)))))))

Did you finish the books?

~ Marsh

Marsh,

Yes, I finished reading the books. Four Agreements and Love Addiction. Both were very helpful.

I think the major hurdles for me are going to be:

#1) Allowing for my future spouse or gf to choose activities that have nothing to do with me and accepting that this doesn't reflect upon her love for or desire to be with me. She is not choosing over me, but that it is healthy for her to do so at times. This is embarrassing to admit.

This whole neediness side of me. It stems from a want to be desired. Shown affection. But what I need to understand is that there are limits to what she can be for me. She cannot be all things. And I cannot request that of her.

I think in Love Addiction it says (paraphrased) that we must understand that to get our partner's efforted attention part of the time is about as much as we can expect and to be grateful for that.

I think unconditional love is an unfair request and misguided notion. I think love is absolutely conditional for us humans. Marriage is a peer relationship. With children we are unconditional because we stand to guide but marriage is not meant to be that way.

Unconditional can't mean others must lose themselves for the other's sake. It means they are willing to love despite flaws and encroachment but it is conditional in the sense that it is a partnership. Adversely, a father/son relationship is not a partnership.

#2) Learning to trust again. Believing my future spouse will not cheat on me. This will take time as I have experienced trusting someone and then being completely deceived by that person. I have never known anyone to lie as much as my WW did. Seemingly from the beginning. I know there are some things she was never honest about from the very start. I'm not sure how she functions.

But I know I will struggle with trust now. I think there will be certain things that will set me down a path of paranoid thinking. Something that reminds me of my WW's actions might put me back into a mental ditch for a while.

Hopefully, I will be restored and possibly I won't ponder it at all. Maybe I will experience trust that I never knew possible and a healing in my relating to others that I have never experienced before. Let that be my prayer.

Ok, after two months of waiting I finally found out my WW's lawyer has the divorce papers ready. He will be sending them soon. This was revealed only after I sent an email to my WW stating I was ready to file if her lawyer would not. All this since her lawyer hasn't put much effort into communicating any details of the dissolution draft with my lawyer for weeks now.

The response from my WW is an assurance that she definitely wants the divorce. And to believe her when she says she isn't stalling for any reason. No apology. No remorse. She's still 100% behind her actions. Rah-rah!

Good. I think she had to make sure she stood up for her decision to divorce and make sure it's clear that for me to come out and state my desire for the process to be finalized in no way will surmount her action to divorce me. She had to show me that I have no power. So that in her mind she will have always been the one standing against my oppression that kept her from true happiness.

I must say, that I am so sick of her. I know I have forgiven her, because I continue to forgive her almost daily, but I am so sick of this mentality. I am angry again. Tense. Emotional.

I wish I didn't care. I made a mistake in marrying this woman whom I realize I never knew in the first place. She is carrying so much anger, so much resentment, so much unforgiveness... and I am not the first or the last she will carry it for.

But what can I do? When contact with this person is so painful all the time? When I can hear her judgment on me when I read her emails? When her tone is so condescending? I try to forgive and let the burden fall to the wayside. I just can't understand how she can live life the way she is... in the shadow of an affair and yet still blame me.

I know, it's resentment and entitlement. And I am supposed to be working on me... I know. I wrote about it two posts ago. I know what I need to do. But really, who can remind me of why she is so bent on making it clear (by sexual affair, by going to the lengths she has gone) that she is in control of her life.

Or am I just way off base? I am having a hard time letting it go when I still don't know why she does what she does. She would never share any of her pain with me, until she decided I was the source of it.

It can't be that I was just a poor husband. That I said a few awful, very hurtful things to her. Because I know I did. And she said things to me by her actions and the walls she built up.

Some people ask if it was the cart before the horse. Did I hurt her before she pulled away, or did she pull away and then I hurt her.

I remember times when she would smile. When she was happy to see me. When she needed to connect with me. But in many ways I was still learning how to communicate with her, to relate to her and our marriage was still young.

Then she pulled away... and began using my weaknesses to build a case against me. And before I knew it, there was a wall so high I couldn't even see her anymore, and the shadow cast over me so long, I was in the dark, too.

Now it is close to the end of the marriage. And now I have to move forward for my own sake.

Can a person divorce another and still be forgiving and compassionate in their heart? If only they know it is "necessary" because two people just cannot co-exist?

And what is it in her new life that is so gratifying that divorce becomes so enticing?

Corinth,

Ok, get a grip. You are in the middle of a pity party that you are hosting, and attending. Stop the party. She is what she is...accept that. You wanted the divorce, and she wants the divorce. So what if she files rather than you?

It is time you looked forward toward your future. Unless she changes on her own, there is nothing you can do.

Do you expect her to come crawling back begging you for forgiveness and a second chance???? It is a dream. Some day she may be sorry for what she has done, and then she may not. But, being sorry won't change a darned thing for you nor rewrite history on single bit.

You are giving her all of the power by even thinking the things you are now posting. IF you want to do that, be my guest, but then don't complain that she uses the power for HER own good and not yours.

I will repeat my favorite saying to you You are drinking the hemlock, not her...stop it.

One of the classic traits of someone that is doing what she is doing is that she does NOT CARE what you think. You need to accept this aspect of things.

Please consider some counseling for yourself. Get your feet on the ground, and realize she is just being...HER. You need to move and by YOU. Take back your power.

Please think about this.

JL

I think reading over your post JL, I realized that my anger is still with myself. I am looking at myself through her eyes and that is not a good place to be right now.

I am giving her the power to define me. And, yes, it is making me miserable. Because I'm beating myself up for what she did to me.

So what is my option? I have to live with this betrayal. I have to learn to live the rest of my life knowing someone was willing to betray me. See... I'm doing it again. Putting the blame on myself for being able to be betrayed.

BTW, I am in IC now.

"You are giving her all of the power by even thinking the things you are now posting."

Believe me... I could cover this up and pretend I am fine. Not talk about these nagging thoughts. Maybe that is what I should be doing. Maybe talking about it gives it a place to sow. I need to choose to think about different things. But it is so much easier to wallow sometimes...

"One of the classic traits of someone that is doing what she is doing is that she does NOT CARE what you think. You need to accept this aspect of things."

That takes an exceptional person (her) to not care about someone she is married to. I must say I made a mistake in marrying her then.

"Do you expect her to come crawling back begging you for forgiveness and a second chance????"

Not really. I guess I just wonder how it is possible to do what she continues doing. Sometimes I think I must be naive to the world and expect to move through it unscathed. As though I shouldn't have to experience certain things.

"Some day she may be sorry for what she has done, and then she may not. But, being sorry won't change a darned thing for you nor rewrite history on single bit."

No. It's a ****** tragedy. Once again I don't know how someone can live it out and not realize that it is a road to complete ruin. It blows my mind.

"You are drinking the hemlock, not her...stop it."

Right. It's as though I am suffering for her, not because I think it will help, but because in some unconscious way I feel like someone has to suffer for her adultery... and I don't see her suffering.

Holy ******! I hope I'm not doing that. That would be a complete disaster.

Time to filter out all the cobwebs again and get my perspective back. How can just thinking about her get me so twisted up?

To better days ahead!

Corinth,

Within your post are the seeds to a happy life. I will NOW LECTURE YOU <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> with your own words. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



Lecture NOW OVER. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now to answer a few questions from my perspective.
I know, I know (he says jumping up and down waving his hand <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

You loved the woman, and the logic of what she has done and is doing is NOT logical to you. It does not square with what a person who is good at heart would do, and you felt she was such a person.

But to quote an old radio show, The Shadow, (yes I am old enough to heard the original) "What evil lurks in the hearts of man... the Shadow knows." And you do not.

One of the great evils of mankind: self-importance coupled with self-focus. That is where she is right now and may remain. Her "logic" is not the normal logic and thus you won't and don't understand it.

Corinth, this is the way of things. I have been here a long time, I have watched a lot of people move in and out of the state your W is in. No one can predict when or if they will move out of it.

But, one thing is clear...YOU need to define yourself by YOUR actions, not hers. You have done your best, you have had her in your heart and still do. You have been willing to forgive, change, learn, grow. Personally, I think that defines a man I would like to know and a man I would trust.

Don't you think it is time you trusted yourself and have some faith in yourself? I do. Don't you believe that the traits I just listed are traits that other people gravitate toward (men and women)? I do. Don't you think you have learned alot and have a lot to offer a woman with a good heart and an eye for a good man? I do.

Faith, is something you need to realize and use.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

You're right about about pretty much all of this. I believed she had a good heart and it doesn't make sense that she did what she did. There is no logic to it and I just have to accept that I don't understand it. I did what I could to save the relationship and she made it clear she did not want to work at it.

Apparently resentment is a great enabler to justify hurtful even self-destructive behaviour.

"I have been here a long time, I have watched a lot of people move in and out of the state your W is in."

Yeah, it is amazing to watch someone walk defiantly into such ill-conceived situations and call it their "right."

But honestly I'm glad it's all over now. Although I was hoping the sting would be less than it is after all the intensity of the past few months, it still finds ways to make itself known.

It still tries to remind me of the rejection. Making me think that it will happen again by the next woman.

"Don't you think you have learned alot and have a lot to offer a woman with a good heart and an eye for a good man? I do."

I believe I do have a lot to offer, but I'm not very patient and I fear it will take years to find someone decent out there. Kind of feels like waiting for the stars to align.

This whole thing makes me realize that deciding who to get into a relationship is a very important matter. It is hard to want to trust again.

I see now that marriage is putting your life in someone else's hands. It is paramount that I take my time and be discerning about the women I will consider in the future. And ask God to provide as well.

"But, one thing is clear...YOU need to define yourself by YOUR actions, not hers."

This is the crux of it. I define myself by others too often.

I've been very heartbroken lately.

As always I'm searching for answers and reasons for why things happen in life.

One of the biggest questions is: why must I suffer? And considering recent events in my life, this question has been asked (and in harsher terms than that) many, many times by me to God.

Well, for those of you who also ponder this question the following link provides some biblical accounts for why we suffer. I think it is pretty good, to put it simply. Any other comments are welcome.

"Eight Explanations for Suffering Found in the Bible"

http://www.new-life.net/sufferng.htm