Hey MrsWondering...I was just "wondering" if you could find some of your original threads and post them on here so that other FWS's can see where you "were" when you first posted.
I was able to find your first post back in 7/01/05, and I am quite amazed how far you have progressed in about 8 months. You posted that the affair just ended 10 days prior to that post. I had read that you met this OM when you were just 13 and that you felt that this was going to be so difficult to get over because of the "history" behind it.
I'm amazed to look back at my first posts as well and realize how hopeless I seemed! I honestly didn't know how I was going to recover. And you know, I think each of us FWW's are a little different in how fast we do recover. My A's were mostly online and it took me awhile to move past the OM where yours was quite different and you seemed to have recovered very quickly...
So, how did you get from that post in 7/05 to a fully recovered FWW today?
How did you move past this OM that was a "hero figure" to you as you wrote in your post?
What do you think helped MOST in your journey through recovery? 2BNormal
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To which Mr. Wondering replied...
Quote:
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us
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I do so love this man...and he is correct, "us" is a HUGE part of why we have recovered quickly, that is not to imply that ours is a perfect life...We always laugh...and dang, I cannot for the life of me remember who said it...but someone here once said that we reminded them of the couple in the movie Stuart Little...now THAT is HILARIOUS!!!
Well 2BNormal, some of your questions relate to my OM and my relationship to him...2 Things...(1)My initial posts were, as you pointed out 2B, 10 days out of NC...and as we tell everyone here...FOG BABBLE...BLAH BLAH BLAH...ME ME ME YADA YADA YADA...those mean nothing...I am no different from any other WS in that regard...and(2) Something that I have come to learn in recovery is that OM/OP doesn't mean JACK SQUAT! OP could be anyone, you fill in the blank...The OP is NOT about the WS wanting someone other than the BS...the OP has nothing to do with anything about the BS...the OP IS about the issues of the WS...Who the OP is is of no significance at all, in fact the OP could have been Bozo the Clown...in fact, I recently noticed that when Mr.W and I speak of the A ,I refer to OM as OM...NOT by his name...by the way, that was not even a concious decision...it just happened...I personally think that speaks volumes...So, onto to Recovery...
What about "us" has allowed our seemingly quick recovery...hmmm...
I think that I will tell you what each of us has done positively(there will be things that I know I will forget, I will do my best)...
What Mr. W has done
1. He has NEVER yelled at me...EVER
2. He has NEVER judged me
3. He has NEVER called me names
4. He has ALWAYS allowed me complete freedom to speak...FOG and ALL...no matter how much I know
the things I said hurt him, and they were HORRIBLE...I mean REALLY REALLY DESPICABLE...
5. Reading and posting here...being fully on board with Marriage Builders...
6. A willingness to forgive...and move through it...trying to turn a negative into a positive...
****All of these things gave me a safe environment from which I could freely share...I have told him EVERYTHING-sometimes too many details, I am sure...There are NO secrets...We talk openly today about the A...that seems to be an obstacle for some...we have always been very candid-that is just our style-we know that this doesn't necessarily work for everybody else...but it is who we are...and were...
We got lost along the way in our marriage...I think that we thought that we could just pick up later, and not nurture our relationship since our rapport had always been so great-NOT TRUE, OBVIOUSLY, we let "us" slide in consideration of our DD, business, etc.-That is what caused our marriage to become ripe for an A on both sides...The affair was my poor CHOICE and mine alone...It came out shortly after Dday that, prior to my A, by about a year or so, that Mr. W had propositioned one of our staff, she, luckily, declined(good girl-though is certainly not on our staff any longer...she had gone long before the post dday revelation)...Needless to say, our marriage was going nowhere very quickly...I had given up in trying to get him to come home from work in the evenings...I certainly did nothing in the way of making it an inviting place to be(I still struggle there)...and Mr. W had just completely withdrawn...So, as odd as it sounds to some, without the A...we aren't sure there would be an "us" anyway...We certainly wish that it hadn't come to that...but THAT is where we were...We most definitely had long since left God out of our marriage-a surefire method to destroy a marriage, in our opinion. Our marriage is better than it ever was, we hate to say because of the A and choose to say in spite of it...but it was the catalyst that made us both wake up, and realize just how much that we do belong to each other...that each of us is God's perfect choice for the other...
What Mrs. W has done...
1. Fully accept and own that the A was her choice
2. She is completely transparent...an open book, once again
3. A lot of self discovery...looking at the reasons behind the choice...that is an entire post
in and of itself...abbrev. version: stunted development issues-childlike behaviors and
entitlement, getting past living in daydreams...understanding that being happy with me is
my issue, in other words, it doesn't matter where you are or who you are with if you aren't
happy with you-*you* does not change based on others-To WSes or new FWSes struggling with
withdrawal-YOU are the same with your Spouse or the OP...the issues that *YOU* have will follow
*YOU*...***I'm still working on ME***
4. Remorse...genuine, deep remorse...a FULL realization of the pain that I caused...right now,
I am at a loss for words as to how deeply in my core that I feel this...it would be too much
detail for a post...I go bit by bit...piece by piece...selfish action by selfish action...and put
myself as close to what I can imagine that he felt then...I want to just die when I see
what I did to him...and I know that he lived it...so it was worse...I am tearful as I am typing
this as I am in my apologies to him...I said in another post today that affairs are
SHAMELESS ABUSE...I cannot believe that I did that to any living creature...let alone the one
I love most in the world...it makes me sick...when I think of all that he had to hold together-
COMPLETELY ALONE...I am so ashamed of me and so amazed and awestruck by him...I wish that I
could truly convey my feelings here...Mr. W does know...I'm not sure that I will ever stop
telling him...and *trying* to show him...
5. Reading and posting here...being on board with Marriage Builders principles...
***I know that there is more...probably really obvious stuff that I am leaving out...these are the things that we've done...I think that each hinges on the other...we have worked in tandem...since withdrawal was over...honestly both of us being here has given us what it takes to do that...we are on the same page...what made us come here together? that's just our personalities...we can't really take a lot of credit for that...we just are who we are...So we are still the same great couple that we were in the beginning of our relationship...now we just have the tools to keep us where we are suppose to be...and NOW we are concious of the feelings and needs of the other...which means we are concious of our errors...which is the first step in overcoming them...Obviously, we still disagree at times...but a recovered marriage is incredible...and while obviously, not perfect, is the real fairytale...
Hope this helps someone...it is the truth about us...(albeit an abridged version)
Mrs. Wondering
