Observing,

I don't know but red flags are jumping up all over the place.

Something smells fishy here.

Have you heard from your friend who works with him? If not it might be time to cinfide in her.

Just my opinion.

Still

Stillhurting01,

Thank you for your concern and compassion.

Yes, I have contacted my friend. But apparently she has not received the email (chose this option so that my facial expression didn't give me away).

I'll have to reconsider sending another email or speaking with her in person. If she did receive the email and doesn't want to touch this subject, then I don't want to push the issue. We'll see.

On another subject, I have wanted to post on your Plan B thread. However, at this time I don't feel like I have the experience to give you advice.

But I can say that my heart goes out to you, my prayers are with you, and I hope your Plan B turns out for the better.

I can't breathe.

I emailed my husband today (talking in person is not working right now) about our "spooky" trip to his office the other night.

I said to him:

"The other night after you received a phone call while driving home with your family and then didn't bother to tell your wife that you were going to (the office) until the very last minute, I felt like you had secretly gone down to meet your mistress after hours and behind my back, had I not volunteered to take the trip with you".

He replied to me:

"I didn't realize until this week about the suspicions you have about my "mistress" but did realize it after you came along. I don't have a mistress and never have".

What?

You mean he didn't know that I would suspect something (after all these months of working on our marriage) if his secretary called him after hours from the office and then he delayed meeting her for over an hour because he was washing vehicles at home in the dark to distract me from noticing the trip he was about to take without letting me know until last minute?

No wonder I can't breathe.

Until today, and with one exception, I haven't been doing any relationship talk during my Plan AF (As Friends).

He was taken aback when I announced that I planned to file a "separate" income tax return. We have always filed "joint" returns.

I was so tired of waiting for him to bring home the tax information (last minute) and no longer wanted to support the huge (and still growing) spending corruption by his business sibling.

What's more, now he can't blame me for increasing his tax rate. He can have all the dependents (except me) and pay his own tax rate!

Out of courtesy (that I am not getting from him lately), I let him know what I was planning to do (file separate) next week, but left the option open to file either way.

He didn't like the fact that I wanted to file separate.

Then he started bringing up our relationship. I gave in to "relationship talk". We briefly discussed some things.

That's why, and because it was related to the conversation, I brought up the subject about the "spooky" trip to the office the other night (explained above).

I'm happy to be able to come hear and vent. Speak to someone out there. Maintain my composure.

He didn't look good when he came home from his half day at work today. He looked rather guilty, actually. But then again, I'm suspicious.

He left for the day (planned event). I have him tracked and voiced (provided the battery doesn't fail me again).

I think I can breathe again.

Thanks for listening.

Have you thought about asking the secretary point blank if something is going on between her and your husband? I have no idea if that's a good idea to do, though....probably not.

I just can't believe what a tough nut your husband is to crack. I truly was starting to think he wasn't involved in an Affair ... but now it's starting to look like he is.

Obs, would you please explain *exactly* what you mean by Plan "As Friends" and *exactly* why you are doing this? I looked back through your thread but you never spelled it out.
Mulan

Observing,

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers it does mean alot to me.

First and foremost you need to find out what is going on. You're going to drive yourself crazy... I know I was there last spring and summer. And your H is just goinf to help drive you there. At this point at least to me I think he's lying and/or hiding something.

Call your friend and talk to her... if she doesn't want to get involved she will tell you... you need to know.

Honey breathe you have to find out....

By threatening to file separately you are NOT meeting one of his needs. It has scared him. Good.

Then let him know that he isn't doing enough to restore your trust in him and that's why he has to file his own.

Expect him to whine. You have a glass of real good wine when he does this and just watch. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Then let him know that HIS actions are what YOU are using to come to the conclusions you have. This will freak him out because if he is having an A, he knows his actions are causing you doubt. If he isn't having an A, he ought t/b wondering what he needs to do to fix himself so you can trust him again. Either way, you don't have to do much....plant the seeds of doubt and need, then wait. Have a nice glass of wine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Fiatflux,

Sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with a big, black, shiny, huffing, puffing bull.

Mulan,

In a nutshell, my Plan AF (As Friends) means that we are living as friends and not as lovers (sex) even though we are married.

This is the only way I know how to protect myself from being mistreated by him.

I am waiting for him to earn my trust, which he is not doing a good job with.

We also happen to be waiting for the rest of the cell phone records which required a subpoena and a couple more months of time.

Stillhurting01,

The one and only thing I am AFRAID of is to go outside my marriage to confide in someone else in case I'm wrong.

But you're right, if I don't get information, I'm going to go crazy.

Actually, I have something that I repeat daily, nearly hourly, to help me get through this and it has been helping:

"Let him go. He doesn't want to love you. He doesn't belong to you anyway."

Whether it's true or not, it puts me in the right frame of mind.

Then I come back with this (to myself):

"Who are YOU? And where are YOU going?"

It's been helping me to take care of myself and the kids without hardly any Love Busting.

I will seriously consider a one-on-one visit with my friend. The time has probably come.

Unfortunately, he will never do this unless he has a very good and compelling reason to do so - in other words, unless and until there are consequences and discomfort to losing your trust, he simply will not care.

It would be nice if he would want to regain your trust because it would make YOU feel better, but you can be sure he will never do it for that reason.

What boundaries do you have in place to further protect yourself?
Mulan

Orchid,

Your post gave me so much confidence. I can't wait to have my glass of wine.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Put an umbrella in it and add a spritzer! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Mulan,


Could you give me some examples to get me started on the right track with an answer? Do you mean where I draw the line to have a protected relationship? Or how we are setup with finances and such?

Looking forward to hearing from you...

Orchid,


I can't believe how well you predicted my husband's response as I savored my glass of wine last night.

For one, it was the first time he didn't join me with a glass of wine of his own!

Two, I received an email from him this morning about making a decision on taxes so that he and his accountant can get the information together. Uh-huh, now that it might affect his pocket book, it is important to get the tax information together.

Third, also in his email was a clue to his psych…

He said:

"I hope you went back to sleep this morning. I don't know why I reached over and touched you, I just had this sudden feeling you were gone."

How sad. That did pull on my heart strings.

I don't like what I just found.

Now that I know WHO (secretary with the "too friendly" voice) to focus on, I found 2 flirty emails in my husband's Sent Email folder from a couple years ago.

He called his secretary "Blondie" as a pet name (her real name is nothing like that) in the email, which was a reply to a blonde joke that she sent him.

What is this all about?

Hmmmm. Washing the car in the dark, and then saying he was going to office with your son (after you told him you would like to go) is very suspicious to me. I don't think I have ever seen anyone wash their car in the dark.

Believer,

Yeah, and that night has been playing over and over in my mind for the last week and a half.

Now he's going to have some explaining to do when I confront him with the "Blondie" email, since he just claimed that he had nothing even close to a relationship going on with another woman.

Observing -
seems to me he might've thought he'd deleted all the correspondence he had with her, but forgot about those since they're so old..... ??? Not a good sign. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Fiatflux,

I agree. So I checked my keylogger reports to find that since I started keylogging months ago, he has received no emails from her, but he has received emails from his two other secretaries.