I think I can now conclude that my husband is having an inappropriate relationship with one of his secretaries.

Here is the evidence:

1. A couple years ago, he sent a flirty email to his secretary with the pet name "Blondie" after she emailed him with a blonde joke.

I do not feel comfortable with his email and found it very unbusiness-like.

I'm sure he would not write like that in front of me.

2. Months ago, while sitting in bed with my husband, I overheard his secretary's "too friendly" voice when she called him.

This alerted me to her phone calls and how they were diferent from other phones calls.

Today, I realized that she makes her calls to him on his days off when he is spending time with me!

3. He hid the fact that he was going to meet his secretary at the office after hours once I asked who had called the other night, even though he claims to be restoring my trust.

It's a good thing I waited and then suddenly volunteered to go with him last minute, because that's how I witnessed their meeting.

I'm thinking that I should not confront him yet on the email because I don't want to lose my chance at getting more evidence in the near future.

Am I right on this?

Observing,

Have you talked to your friend that works with him? I really think you need to.

Still

Stillhurting01,

Yes, I emailed her again this morning. I haven't heard back from her yet.

Next, I'll have to get on the phone with her. But I already... (see update below)

Observing,
Have you used any tool to restore deleted e-mails on his computer? This is possible and it is how I was able to review some of the correspondence my FWH had with the OW.
Lake

I couldn't stand it anymore.

After adding (edited) to my list of evidence (above), the reality of what's happening began to affect me.

I had to do something.

I text messaged him:

"To keep your marriage, 'Blondie' needs to go (no more contact)."

He text messaged me back:

"I will do whatever it takes to keep my marriage (he's made this claim before). We need to talk, please say time and place."

We have an appointment to talk tomorrow morning. What should I bring? What should I say? How should I say it?

Any advice?

Lake53,

Thanks for reminding me.

I remember reading about restoring deleted emails by editing the REGISTRY, if that's what you're talking about.

I should have time to go back to his office tonight and do that.

I just tried the Registry Edit instructuons, but it did not work.

Does anyone know how to do it for Outlook Express so that I can Recover Deleted Email?

Bumping for Observing...can anyone help her w/the deleted mail recovery?

Hope this works, it worked for me.

Lake




close Microsoft Outlook.

This registry "hack" works in all version from Outlook 98 and up.

Start the registry editor (regedit.exe).

Go to the follwing key in the registry.

HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Exchange\Client\Options

On the edit menu, click add value and the following registry value: Value name: DumpsterAlwaysOn Type: DWORD Set the data value to 1.

exit the registry editor.

This should allow you to recover deleted items that no longer reside in "deleted items"

Restart microsoft outlook.

To use the newly enable recovery feature: Go to the directory they were stored in: (inbox, etc...) Select the Tools menu. Select Recover Deleted items, a new dialog box will appear and recently deleted items for that folder will magically appear, If you want the buttons will give you the option to recover them. This will work in ALL folders.

Good Luck!

--------------------
WTF

Lake53,

Thank you so much for your help.

However, I found out that my husband's email program does not use an Exchange Server and therefore cannot provide the necessary Tools option (Recover Deleted Items) by making a change in the Registry.

Just my luck!

I have other plans...(see below)

Fiatflux,

I appreciate your help.

Since I can't use the Registry (reason above) to Recover Deleted Items in Outlook Express, I'm looking for downloadable software which can provide the same function.

I must have already bought the wrong software, because the other night I spent 3 hours staring at my husband's computer screen, waiting for "analyzing block" to finish (numbers kept increasing) while it collected email messages, but it never completed in time (had to get home and get to bed).

I have another (faster) program that I can try when I get a chance.

Ugh, another BURN OUT for me at the office!

Stillhurting01,

Here's something interesting.

My husband said that my best girlfriend joined in on the "blonde" jokes at the office. Now I wonder if she can be trusted with information on my marriage. I haven't heard from her and that could be why.

I don't know if my husband has other motives or not, but he claims that a lawsuit against his company is EXTREMELY likely if anyone at the office knows WHY he is going to take action regarding his secretary's job in the future (see update below).

I guess what I'm saying is that I can't reveal anything to her now.

Then tell him to get a new job. Don't ASK him to...tell him that it's the only chance your marriage has. Tell him to file notice TODAY, before he comes home. He's got two weeks to find something new.

Much of it is still a blur.

I had arrived, for what turned out to be a 7-hour meeting, with my hair dressed up and with just enough curled lockets dangling down to keep my husband's mind on our love life.

Of course it helped that I was sitting in my new car waiting in the Espresso line for our coffee when he arrived.

He just looked at me, from his own vehicle parked nearby, while I cheerfully spoke with the woman who was preparing our drinks.

I was in a GREAT mood because I cranked up some music on the way there and practically rocked the car off the road (slight exaggeration) while enjoying it.

Yeah, I was not about to take any nonsense!

All I wanted to hear was that "Blondie" was out of a job. If he chose her feelings over mine, I could drive over to an attorney's office and file for a legal separation to get my husband out of my bed, out of my house and off our property.

That is, I would NOT share my marriage with another woman.

You see, even though I thought I could remain calm under such circumstances, I was running HIGH on emotions once I found that email (not to mention the phone call and the meeting).

But my husband had a different expression than usual. Actually, he had no expression at all. He just sat there and looked at me. Later I was to hear that he was "admiring" me (better late than never).

His behavior caught my attention. That was not like him. I knew that my actions would be crucial during our meeting. I adjusted myself accordingly (relaxation, calmness).

Now I realize why. He thought I was going to leave him. Later, he revealed that he had never PRAYED so hard in his life as he did on the way to our meeting.

Once we got our coffee, we parked in a nearby restaurant parking lot. He asked what vehicle we should use for our meeting. I suggested we visit in his vehicle (why he didn't invite me to drive with him, I still don't know).

He started the conversation. Good, because he was the one to call the meeting, saying we needed to talk.

First, he started explaining how he was going to remove "Blondie" from her job.

That was the right thing to do.

BUT…he said he couldn't do it right away.

What?

He had to wait until June (about 2 months) to break the news to her. He said she would be out by July (about 1 additional month). He said the timing was very important due to her job requirements and could prevent a possible lawsuit against his company.

He later confided that he was surprised I accepted the delayed date, since it could be viewed as "buying more time" for a relationship. No kidding.

What he didn't know was that I NEEDED the time to capture anything possible on a voice activated recorder that I had planned to secretly install in his office (mission completed).

I replied that considering she is "very popular" (community and workplace), and that she could attempt to sue the company because of her "manipulative" behavior, I wanted to be reasonable about how he is to accomplish this task and at the same time keep our marital problems private.

I said that if I happened to have MORE evidence at the time of our meeting, he would have had a GENEROUS 24 hours to get her out of there!

And that as "earthshaking" as he claimed it's going to be to remove her from the job, it would be NOTHING compared to what would ensue if I had to take care of her with my bare hands.

Then the subject changed to a more profound topic.

He was in a gentle mood and appeared quite resigned, although he still attempted to blame me a couple times during the meeting and made excuses about inappropriate behavior with his secretary.

He said something like, "You paid off the motor home. You bought a new car. You filed a separate income tax return. You don't need me anymore. Are you going to leave me?"

He had been watching my every step, during the last months of all my Plans (A, AF, B+, whatever), just like they say on this website.

I answered, "No, I'm not going to leave you. But I AM planning on spending less time with you. That is, once our youngest child turns 21 (another decade), I plan to buy my own property and park the motor home on it Monday through Friday while I do activities in the area and then come home on the weekends."

He was floored.

For me, it was the only way to "survive our marriage".

He said, "Then you ARE planning to leave me. You're giving up on me!"

Hmm…I needed something quick, like maybe some "Reverse Gaslighting".

I directly and firmly replied, "You haven't given me a reason to trust you."

He brought up that topic at least twice during our conversation, which started out in the parking lot but ended up in the restaurant hours later.

He could tell I was doing good things for myself and for the kids. I think my actions spoke volumes (I have the people on this website to thank for helping me to say and do the right things).

But my GOLDEN sentence was this one, occurred a few days earlier in an email, and I had no idea it was so effective (probably because it addressed his Passive/Aggressive behavior):

"If you plan on punishing me in these ways, all because I would like to trust my husband, keep in mind that it could backfire on you."

He said it made him think. Think about how he has been taking his anger out on me, in many ways, throughout our years of marriage.

My sentence was preceded by an explanation of how I felt about him meeting women behind my back and it was followed by no more email from me (no matter how many times he tried to contact me).

I guess I had really gone into a Plan B, or I should say a Plan B+ because we were still under the same roof. Ha!

The last time we had talked before the meeting was when I sent the text message about how "Blondie" needing to go (to keep our marriage).

Before our meeting was finished, we covered nearly everything, making recollection for me somewhat of a blur.

He admitted that he was "wasting time" washing cars in the dark that night before going to meet his secretary at the office after hours, but claimed it was because he was "waiting for her to leave" the office.

Am I supposed to believe that? She was still there when we arrived.

I found myself spelling out all the things he could have done that night to help restore my trust, but didn't.

I showed him a copy of the "Blondie" email that he sent to his secretary and he admitted it was inappropriate behavior and that he would not have sent it had I been looking over his shoulder.

I tried to get him to admit that she has been meeting his emotional needs. He wouldn't do it.

When we talked about my response to his behavior, he said that in a court of law, he is innocent until proven guilty and that until I have proof, I can't do anything.

I almost laughed because I remembered reading a post on this website that gave an answer to this exact claim. So I answered similarly, "This is not a court of law. This is a marriage."

Then I told him that if he is going to conduct himself in ways that make me think he is cheating on me, I can do what I think is necessary to protect myself and our marriage.

He had to think about that one.

It also gave me the courage to "Reverse Babble", with a smile on my face, when he started excusing himself and his secretary from their inappropriate behavior.

He did say that he wanted me to let him know whenever I think he is punishing me. I said I could, but I really don't like "policing" our marriage.

At some point, he made a FREAK accusation that I turned his (intimate) honesty against him. I did no such thing and later realized that he was trying to find a gaslighting (keeping me a victim) excuse not to be Open & Honest about his inappropriate behavior.

Guess what he did before our meeting?

He contacted his attorney and had the complete cell phone records delivered via email that same morning. I thought the process was going to take about 3 months. But instead, it happened in record time. Apparently, the email had been available for a couple weeks even before our meeting.

I haven't had a chance to review the phone records yet (working on my husband's taxes). But I am thrilled they are in digital format because I can run queries on the data.

Amazingly, we talked about going into business together, which I'm not sure he really wants to do. We plan to meet again to set our financial and production goals.

In the end, this is what we agreed to do before taking our relationship OFF hold:

1. Go back to where we left off in our communication (his Strategy)
2. Answer my questions about his Strategy to help me build trust
3. Get Steve Harley's advice on how to answer me truthfully

Then to follow up on that, I would like to know which emotional needs were met by his secretary. I'll ask him again when he answers question about his Strategy.

After the meeting, I felt like I had just finished the most important campaign of my life (and I'm not even a politician).

My husband was so believable that day. By that night, we had mutually and unofficially taken our relationship OFF hold by having Sexual Fulfillment.

How foolish of me! (Well, not really. Now he knows more than EVER what he'll be missing out on.)

You see, I was in a perfect position for finally getting what I needed (some truthful answers), but I experienced an overwhelming DRAW toward him (perhaps because of what I understood to be honest communication earlier in the day) and we temporarily took our relationship OFF hold for 4 days.

Those days were wonderful. We spent a lot of ROMANTIC time together. We both loved it and are still living off the fumes.

I feel good about the memories we made. They were comparable to our romantic getaway last fall, after he admitted to lust and lies.

These memories are a reminder to me that I am willing to make the best of our marriage and give my husband the chances he apparently needs. I have peace with that.

But then a couple unrelated lies later, I was brought back to my senses. We're back to Plan AF (As Friends) until the above 3 agreed conditions are met.

My husband has a session with Steve Harley next week.

So, in other words, HE has the affair at work, knowing that a lawsuit is extremely likely, and now he can't fire his fellow affairee because a lawsuit is extremely likely. How convenient for HIM.

Believer,

You are so right! What he's saying is that it is MORE important to avoid a business lawsuit than it is to reassure his wife of fidelity by removing this secretary NOW. What disrespect!

Owl,

If my husband doesn't remove himself or "Blondie" from the job within 14 days of notification, what should be the consequences?

I would sit tight until hubby talks to Steve. There is no hurry to act. I know how hard it is to do nothing, but you seem to be doing very well.

I'm a little afraid you have a cake eater on your hands. He went from doing anything to satisfy you, to saying the OW can't leave till June. That is very suspicious to me.

OK...so what are his reasons for it taking 3 months to let "Blondie" go? I work in the corporate world...so I can understand that it's darn difficult to fire someone unless they've done something seriously wrong.

But he should give you the actual GAMEPLAN that he's got for letting her go.

From my perspective, if it's going to take that long to let her go, HE should leave. It takes a lot less time for him to give his notice and leave than it does to fire her. It's also FAR easier.

As far as a timeline and consequences...that's up to what you're willing to accept, and how hard you're willing to push him to make this happen.

Does anyone know whether or not phone calls to Marriage Builders (Steve) are omitted from billing records even though other calls are not?

I need to know so that I can spare my husband a nervous breakdown because I can't find the call records that he supposedly made.