If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope
for you. Note: Please take time to read this slowly If you pay
attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is
even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true
this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween
comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... Judge # 1 -- A little too
heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato
flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ******, what the ****** is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - JERRY'S AFTERBURNER CHILI... Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint
of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs
more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the
reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
face.
CHILI # 3 - HANKS FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI... Judge # 1 --
Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good
use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
******-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC... Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with
almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black
beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 SANDIE'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER... Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong
chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge #
3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI # 6 - JOHNS VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY... Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold
vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2
-- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I ****** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my [censored] with a
snow cone.
CHILI # 7 -PATS SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... Judge # 1 -- A mediocre
chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum,
tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the
last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - RANDY'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI... Judge # 1 -- The perfect
ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on
top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder
how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 - No Report
Last edited by krk18; 09/15/06 09:14 AM.
