I have a question for any FWS that were in what is deemed a Romantic Affair. Hiker45 has a thread on romantic affairs that is very interesting.

I was wondering if any of you felt that you were in this type of an affair and if so what was the "thing" that caused you reconsider? It appears these types of affairs almost always lead to D and that the WS is consumed with the OP and the fantasy to the point that they are willing to give up everything, children, lifestyle, husband, family, friends, reputation, 'sell their souls" if you would, for the OP.

Hello- could you be more specific? Do you mean reconsider the affair, or reconsider the marriage?

I meant what did it take for the FWS to see the romantic affair for what it really is and end it regardless of whether or not the M was saved.

Thank you.

OK- I was in a romantic emotional affair with an ex-boyfriend. It lasted two months before I re-evaluated my actions and decided that I was doing something wrong.

I was so happy with him, that I wanted to tell someone about it. And I couldn't! Every time I would try to bring it up to one of my friends, I stopped because I thought... they are going to think I'm nuts! So, maybe I AM nuts... OK, yes I am nuts. This has to stop.

So, to answer your question- I think the idea of exposing the relationship made me snap back to reality. It was never exposed to my friends, just my husband (by me).

Thanks Saturn. I know this is speculation but how might it have turned out if you and the BF had gotten physical on several occassions on top of the emotional attachment. Again, since it didn't happen I know that I am asking you to speculate. I think the Romantic Affairs that take off like the one's described above where the partner is willing to give up all usually have progressed to the point of being physical on top of the already strong emotional attachment that may exist.

I think it would have been the same if we had become physical. The only thing stopping ME from a physical affair was the distance (he lives 800 miles away). I'm sure if he lived in town then I would have pursued that (maybe he would have stopped me, I don't know).

I just don't see myself as a homewrecker, and that was the direction I was going in at the time. At the time of the affair, OM and I each had a son (now I have 2). I just couldn't see how I could cause so much pain for a selfish reason. If I couldn't tell my friends about OM, how could I tell my little boy? Or OM's little boy??

So I guess what I'm saying is that it was all about my feelings and my own definition of "who I am". My decision, actually, had nothing to do with my husband. This may make you feel bad... I hope not. There was nothing my husband did or could do to make me go one way or another... it was my own sense of right and wrong.

I hope this helps to answer your question.

That is scary. Not exactly a ringing endorsement of Plan A, is it?

But at least your own conscience took over.

I recently saw a line from a newly-released movie:

The hard thing to do and the right thing to do are often the same.

I still think Plan A has a great effect, where possible. No plans are foolproof, and not all wayward spouses have the same thought process.

I think I should also add that WANTING to stop the affair and ACTUALLY stopping the affair are two different things. I wanted to stop about 2 months into it, and told OM that we should stop, but it dragged out for another 6 months! That was the addiction aspect. My husband actually had to intervene in order for it to finally cease. So my husband's plan A did help in ending it but only because I wanted it to end.

I think that it is said over and over on these boards that for recovery to happen, both spouses must do the "hard thing/right thing". If one spouse is unwilling, then no plan works.

I wish more WS would jump in here with their stories...

I can think of one in particular that I'd like to see here.

Hi,
My case was weird or at least a little different.. I was involved, in a EA two times..
I erased most of my post for security reasons...
I was curly17, tear and now regreted...
What make me reconsider?
My H just know about one A... the most important... (as the first one was with a foreigner that I never met, and I changed this OM1 with OM2)
I realized that I was the one with problems, with low selfsteem... it was my desicion...
For me see, my H pains, and the idea that split the family, and leave my D (4 years old) without her dad...
I understood that OM's werent so charming, and I realized that my H is a better man than OM's togethers... even his bad humor..
You know.. "anyone knows what it has until you have lost it"
nadie sabe lo que tiene hasta que lo ve perdido...

Mine was. It was an 18 month A with my old HS b/f. Met at 13 and went steady together for 5 years. So my A was the double whammy of old flame and romantic A.

It ended because OM ended it to work on his M. My H did a stellar Plan A without knowing what a Plan A was. The struggles we've had are all well documented on MB but spread over many, many threads and 2 years. I used the word "obsession" to describe the A.

Anyway, the result is a recovered, happy marriage.

This link is to my first post which gives more detail.
My first post

but kiwi....YOU didn't end it.

when the OP ended it....you went back to your H

and that's part of the problem that I see with a romantic affair....if your WS is so addicted they can't walk away....they WILL NOT consider reconciliation no matter what the BS does (plan A, exposure, plan B) as long as the OP is still available to them

i'm surprised there are not many more responses here!

Eav, you're right I didn't end it. My point in saying that was that the whole situation was such that it seemed recovery of our M was impossible. I do hear what you're saying - it ended so I had choices to make and I made the choice to begin recovery. At the time of D-day I wouldn't have given us a hope in heck. I'd never left physically (ie I never moved out) which was a good start and it WAS my H's Plan A and exposure that helped us immeasurably.

I always feel you grasp at my (and other FWW's) situation in the hope that your WS will one day be like us. It makes me so sad because we are not your WS. That's not a criticism in any way, I just feel your unhappiness.

I ended my A when I realized that I did not want the OM raising my children AND when my H finally agreed to MC. Keep in mind my H did not know about the A at the time. One day I took a good realistic look at OM and realized I was throwing my family away and doing to my kids EXACTLY what my mother did to my father and us kids.

For me it has been and it is still my children. My mother left my father for OM and I know first hand the destruction caused, I used to think it wasn't the reason their marriage ended but it was.

I still have very strong feelings for OM and if it wasn't for the distance now (we moved 1000 miles away) I am not sure I would be able to control my emotions. Again, thinking of my children is what is keeping me here and helping give my M a second chance.

I am not sure when I will not longer have these strong feelings for OM, but I can't deny it, there are days when I want to get on the next flight available..... thank GOd i don't live near the airport!!! ;-)

Becca

This is what gets me and no offense McBecca but why can the WS not see the OP for who they really are. ****** in most cases they are a step down from the WS husbands and in some cases are people that the WS would never even date if they were single at the time and yet they at this point in time are attached to them like a line of cocaine. Are people this needy or out of touch with Reality, are they so consumed w/ temporary feelings that they would give everything away for the OM that statistics say has a 90% plus chance of not being with them in 5 years or less. If the OP were so great these affair marriages would last forever and stand a better chance of succeeding than regular marriages with no baggage. I will never completely understand it and I hope I don't because I would be worried about my mental health

Every WS is different, hopeandpray. Everyone makes mistakes, and some people learn from them. I hope your WS is one of those that will.

OM is 10 yrs younger than BH, however when it comes to personality they are VERY alike! Physically they are complete opposites (BH is Hispanic, OM is "white" gosh I hate to use that terminology but you know what I mean!). Both are very introverted people and controlling! so why on earth would I get involved with someone that just looks different than BH but is so similar in so many ways?? I don't know...... OM has less education than BH and makes less $$ as well. The only difference between them is OM has great communication skills, BH not at all.


It really is bizarre how all these relationship happen.

Becca

HopeandPray, you obviously didn't read my post but that is neither here nor there, nor is it the point.

The point is that infidelity stinks whichever you way look at it and whoever the OP is.