First off my situation doesn't involve abuse or even that bad of a home situation at the moment. My wife and I have two kids (you can pull up my profile to see a thread I started that outlines my situation) so that is a major complication regarding our marriage/divorce.

I've made the decision to divorce my wife. Right now the plan is for us to file a uncontested divorce using a single attorney. We've been separated for the past 15-16 months. We still live together, but separately in the same house. In this period I've attempted to reconcile with my wife using Dr.Harley's methodology, but to no success. If anything our relationship has worsened durring our separation. I've been forced to conclude that our marriage is over and my wife has no desire to reconcile (she freely admits this is the case). She wants to remain married for financial reasons and in the interest of continuing to provide a stable home for our children. I seriously question whether this arraingment can continue much longer under these conditions. First there is the issue of our growing resentment. My wife's feelings toward me continue to slowly worsen and my feelings toward her are also changing to resentment. We've gone down this path before in our marriage. That has a lot to do with why we are at odds now. Because of that I won't allow myself to rationalize my bad behavior because of this growing resentment. But that means I have to do something. Not allow that resentment to grow or fester inside me. But doing that means I either end the marriage or voice my feelings to her. Being open with her only leads to a fight. A fight she is (and always has been) all too willing to carry out in front of our children. My conclusion is that we would all be better off if the marriage ends while the situation is still somewhat positive so that we can then direct our energy and attention toward supporting our children beyond the enevitable (to me) break up of the family.

There are also financial considerations in my decision to divorce. My wife expects me to finance what I see is essentially a hobby (she calls it work). If she were still my wife and we were committed to the marriage and each other I would have no problem with this situation, but she isn't. She is a stay at home mom, but over the past year her hobby has become a full time job. Most times when I come home she leaves to work. She'll be gone most of the time on weekends, etc. I supported this in the hope of demonstrating my support of her thereby regaining some of her affection. A full time stay at home parent needs to be able to get away and as our children got older she regained a lot of indepndence she had lost ever since the kids were born. But now I see her action as assuming the role of provider, but without any of the benefits (income generation). It's a hobby and I don't think I have a requirement to support her hobbies if she refuses to support or have anything to do with me.

She's not happy with my decision to move ahead with the divorce. She hasn't opposed it yet, but the impression I get is she isn't happy with the finacial impact she'll face. If she were capable of supporting herself (say independently wealthy) she'd have divorced me long ago. I imagine after the divorce I'll still be living in the home. At least for a few years as we pay down debt and as I slowly begin to save money for myself so that I can move out into a modest apartment somewhere that isn't in the worst part of town. You might wonder why I would divorce if we're still planing on living in this same situation. I feel that taking this action will be a step for me to move on with my life. My situation won't change anytime soon, but I'll have closure. I can maybe in time start to meet other people. I can make sure that my wife's spending habits won't be co-signed by me. I worry about the kids though. I fear that I'm rationalizing in order to do what I want. But my reasons are sound. I worry that if we stay married with the plan of divorcing in 10 or so years that something will happen iin the interum that will ultimately worsen the situation. I wish I could be sure of the right steps to take...

Your wife has it made. You have shaped-up into a well-trained seal of a husband, she comes and goes and does as she pleases and you foot the bill. Of course she is not happy with your decision to move to a divorce. AND the sex would have to be pretty darn good to give all that up, which is what she thinks is gonna happen as soon as she moves back into the bedroom.

Ha!

My wife has always said that she'll take advantage of me as long as I let her. Well rest assured I'm going ahead with the divorce. Uncontested or not. I still worry about the kids though. I guess I feel that even a major sacrifice on my part (not exactly being happy about my relationship with my wife) is something I owe them. I'd go ahead with the situation as it is, but I don't think I can do it. I am human and I do have needs. I don't see where ignoring those needs will ultimately help my kids.

If she's gone all the time....do you think she's having an affair?

Have you two ever had any significant counseling?

Divorce is painful. Don't underestimate the damage it will cause you. When we finally stopped living under the same roof it took 3 months to really miss him. It wasn't him, it was the tension and arguing. It was good for us to be truly separated under separate roofs. If you can try that for sure before you file, do it. Because when I divorced as much as I knew it would hurt I underestimated the sense of loss I would feel with my son and with my life partner. Being separated under the same roof is not being separated. Most likely there is no affair, there is just so much tension between you she would rather be working than home just to avoid the conflict. If you separate and she is forced to go into a position of making ends meet by herself, it might just be the reality check she needs to appreciate you. If not, then you will know. Give yourself the same time you waited to get married to be fully separated before you go through with the final divorce. It is so permanent. And just because it says "it's over" on paper, does not mean that it is over. It just means you have to resign yourself to the fact you tried, and you couldn't make it work. I will go to my grave regretting my divorce. I truly wish we had gone through a serious trial separation so we could have really appreciated each other more as partners and as parents. Good luck to you whatever decision you take. The path that lies ahead of you either way will be difficult....much much more difficult most likely than the conflict you experience today. Best wishes to you and your children.

I'm pretty sure this is the case. I think that right now my wife really likes the idea of not being in any kind of relationship at all. She needs me though to help support her lifestyle and to be there for the kids.


I guess I see moving ahead with the divorce right now to be forcing us into this sort of situation. My wife is very happy with the situation and has no motivation to make any changes or to work on our relationship at all. Since I've started this process she's initiated conversations with me regarding our marriage more in the last week than she has in the last year and a half. But I'm not counting on this being a bluff. We will divorce and I will move on with my life without her in it. If she wants to work toward a reconciliation I'll be agreeable to that, but she'll have to meet me half way if that is to happen.


I realize this and it is a scary thought. The last thing I want to be doing right now at this point in my life is starting over. Add to that the ordeal my children will face and I have to wonder if divorce is the right thing to do. But right now I see it as my only option. I have to do something.

are you saying that you would still live in the house with your wife even after you are divorced? I am sure that only one or the other of you would be living there!

Initially I believe we'll continue to live in the same house. Whether that will happen remains to be seen. Divorce has a way of bringing out the worst in people, but finances have a way of imposing upon you regardless of your desire. To be honest my wife and I have been "divorced" for the last 3-4 years. We've currently been separated (but co-habitating) since last June at her insistance. I agree with the earlier poster that when we finally are divorced and living apart the situation will be very different than what we are experiencing now, but we are currently married in name only.

[color:"blue"] Broom, [/color]
I'm not sure what state you live in, and I hope you've researched all the requirements for divorce as it pertains to the marital home. If you haven't, you need to do so ASAP. The fact that you've both continued to remain under the same roof could have ramifications on any future divorce, its timetable, and your settlement.


I know couples who drive to a shopping center parking lot, a park, anywhere, to have an honest and open talk (including raising voices) without the kids around. It's worth the cost of a babysitter.

I echo [color:"blue"] Cinderella [/color] 's question - Have either of you (individually or together) seen a counselor?

Don't ever underestimate the consequences of divorce. You not only divorce each other but the extended families you intertwined. A reconciliation after divorce is highly painful and not exactly welcomed with open arms. I have spent more than 2 years trying to reconcile with my ex-husband. We both agree if we had physically separated from each other in different homes for a full year relying only upon ourselves as individual for emotional and financial support this divorce would likely not have happened. But, because we chose the finality of divorce a reconciliation has only been embraced by us and our small child. His daughter is angry and refuses to accept it. His family wants no part of me after I caused their loved one so much pain. My family feels the same of him. If you agree to some sort of arrangement where you perhaps rent a place on a short term lease, one person lives there the other at home, then you can switch after an agreed upon time frame then you will both have a better idea what being divorced truly is... one family splitting in two with bills created in 2 separate homes... more financial burdens than you face as a team... time alone without each other or the children in your life... and I do agree. Whoever chooses to leave the family home generally loses the option to stay in it in court. But, I think that legal issue and lawyers shoving that down our throats created more tension than it was worth. You can show your wife what it will be like for her to be head of household and care financially for herself and your children without a partner there to help her out without the finality of divorce. If you truly try it and you still want to divorce then you will know all avenues were truly exhausted. In other words, you practiced being divorced for 6 to 12 months before you decided it was best for you. Ultimately you have to do what is right for you. I strongly suggest using professional mediation as an alternative to any lawyers. After my divorce and battling many post divorce custody issues with his first ex-wife I can tell you we spent an extraordinary amount of money and destroyed what was left of relationships simply due to the legal process. Meeting once a week with a mediator during the same amount of time would have yielded similar results for about half the money and less relationship destruction. I do pray for you and your family. You all have such an emotional roller coaster ahead of you. Just consider for awhile practicing divorce just like you may have lived together to sort of practice being married before you wed. It is not quite the same in either circumstance, but it is a pretty close replication of what you might find. God bless you...

Broom,

Your expectations are a little unrealistic if you think you can live with your ex wife under the same roof, yet have less tension and conflict than now. You are certainly misleading yourself if you think that situation wouldn’t be at the least confusing to the children and at the worst toxic.

Like marriage, filing for divorce, and getting the final stamped divorce, changes everything. But, it fixes nothing. People still get jealous over their ex’s. Often, they’re envious or resentful. I’ll never forget, after B. moved out, I started painting the house, room by room. He was angry. He said “If only you had this kind of energy while we were married!” LOL. I did. All that energy went into remaining married to him. Besides, he told me not to paint until he put in floor jacks. After he moved out, I hired my cousin to put them in. But, B. was really irritated and angry that I fixed up the house.

Now, imagine living with your ex and she has a date pick her up. She doesn’t come home until 2 am. How are you going to feel? Imagine you are no longer supporting her, and you get a windfall of money so you buy a sports car. Do you think that’s not go to cause bitterness? What about food in the fridge?

Living with your ex is a nightmare. I’ve only heard of one couple who made it work and they built a self-contained apartment into their farmhouse. They’ve since remarried.

If you divorce, there will be financial ramifications. Until those financial ramifications look incredibly small in comparison to the price of continuing the marriage, you shouldn’t divorce. Instead, invest your legal fees into some really good counseling. Even if you divorce in the end, you’ll be better prepared and you and the children will benefit.

Yeah, it is a pickle no doubt about it.

I just don't see us going forward either. My wife wants us to stay married and live together. Separately but in the same house. No sex with minimal contact between us. She's even told me she doesn't care if I get sex somewhere else as long as we stay together so that our financial circumstances continue on as is. This is unacceptable to me. I refuse to have an affair. I don't want that kind of a superficial relationship. I don't want to hang out with the kind of a person who would consider having a relationship with a married man, even a man in a marriage like mine. If I'm to date I'll be single and free to pursue a relationship (well as free as a man with two young kids and an ex-wife can be). The living together after the divorce would be only to minimize the impact on our finances. I don't even see myself being jelous. For the last year and a half I've mourned and grieved the loss of my marriage. All of my efforts to reconcile or regain anything from wife have been rebuffed in the harshest terms possible. Right now I'm ready to move on. My feelings toward my wife are beginning to match her's for me and that scares me. I can see things getting out of control very easily, and that is something I can not allow to happen.

As to counselling we've done that many times throughout the course of our marriage. My wife has no interest in pursuing counselling. Right after we separated last year she stopped seeing her individual counseller. For her making the decision to break from me was what had been upsetting her all along. That break brought her happiness and freedom. She doesn't want to go back to a situation where she is beholden to me in any way whatsoever. That doesn't leave many options for our continued relationship.

I don't mean to paint myself the victim here. I'm the one to blame for our failure. So I don't blame my wife for behaving the way she does concerning our marriage. But what I have to do is figure out how best to move on from here so that we all can get the most out of the situation. The no sex thing is a major stumbling block for me. That has to be addressed one way or the other. Perhaps this is selfish of me, but ignoring the problem isn't the solution.

DearBroom,
I never saw an anwer to the question, "have you two had counseling?" It seems that your relationship is really unbalanced and as bad for the kids as divorce might be. Since you still have doubts about what you really want, talk to a professional whom could help you get some clarity on this. Check out other pro-marriage sites also. *****edit*********get some help or maybe a marriage mediator. Do it for yourself and your kids:)

Frankly Broom,

If your marriage is as you describe, you two are hurting your children by staying together. The model they see for a husband/wife or male/female interaction is not a healthy one.

Children need to be nurtured, but they also need to see healthy interactions between adults.

I would think it is time to pull the plug. But, then you did not ask about that did you? You have already made up your mind.

I wish you the best of luck.

JL

Broom, do research the impact of living together on divorce. If your wife doesn’t want the divorce, then she’ll be able to use your intention of continuing to live with her to sway the judge. And you didn’t address the confusion living together after divorce would cause the children. From a child’s point of view, living together means you’re still married. For older children, the message is one of materialism. “I’m willing do live with someone I couldn’t stand in order to have things.”

If the situation is dire: a leveraged lifestyle, filled with debt and/or a very low income, maybe you should stay married for a time and get your financial house in order. Even an amicable divorce can cost several thousand dollars. And a divorce where one spouse wants to remain married, for whatever reason, will cost much, much more. That will add to the burden. And at the end, there’s no guarantee the court won’t order you to leave the house.

And then there is the emotional health and healing of the children. It will take them longer to accept and heal from the divorce if it seems like you two may reconcile. Living together is certainly a sign that you may reconcile.

I guess I feel pretty passionately about this.

I haven't followed your whole thread, but in my state, as part of the divorce decree, you agree you will NOT live with the other party.

Lots of good info here. Thanks for all the responses! Obviously this is a learning process. Something I never wanted to learn, but as in all things the more you know the better off you'll be.

My wife and I have scheduled to start mediation. We have already met with the mediator and are now in the process of gathering our information and deciding what we want and if it is all possible. Since I've begun this process my wife has opened up to me concerning our marriage, her feelings toward me, and her expecations for the future. This has been a major change on her part. Quite frankly she hasn't had to confront any of this and it is only my insistance to pursue divorce that has brought her to the table in discussing our marriage. It's possible we could call the divorce off. Although if we do certain things will have to happen. My wife will have to recommit to working on our marriage. The sex issue will have to be resolved. We both will have to meet each other's emotional needs. She may not want to do all this, and if that is the case, then the divorce will happen.

If we do divorce I believe we still intend to co-habitate. I understand all the objections against this arraingment, and because of that there are no guarantees it'll work. I suppose my wife and I are leaning in this direction because that's pretty much been the course of our life for the last 3-4 years. I imagine if we did do this we wouldn't tell the children about it until something changes. As in my moving out, or selling the house and us going our separate ways.

What are the financial benefits to you of staying in the same home???? I believe that this is only to help her, and why should you want to since she won't work on the marriage.

She'll have to get a job- unless she's ill and support herself.

You can work a second job if you need to to be able to support yourself and have your own place. This is what my husband did when his ex wife left him for another man. He worked two jobs to keep the home that he had- and she was the one who packed and left- who refused counseling and working on the M.

Also, Broom, there is no way any woman you would want to date would be interested in dating someone still living with their ex spouse. That would be a major deal breaker for most women. It's not fair to anyone that you might be interested in dating either to ask them to tolerate that situation. I can't imagine even considering this. This is like wanting all the rewards of divorce ie being free and having closure without the divorce.