Nothing has been discovered for certain yet, we have a couple weeks before we know for sure, but I was just wondering if anyone in here has some "words of wisdom" that fit our situation. WF (finace, we're not married yet) had a 1 month affair, they had sex only once during this time. It's been understood as OW was on her period and had a day with no show, they had sex, then the period continued the next day. She is concerned since there was no condom, that she may be pregnant because that's how she got pregnant with her first child.

Me and WF chatted for 4 hours over the whole situation again last night and this is of course always on my mind. The "what ifs" are haunting me. Is anyone in this situation that the OW got pregnant, and it WAS the WH child? It scares me so badly because I know he'd love to have a child that was his birth child, and I am unable to concieve.

Many Questions...anything from:
How did that change your recovery if at all?
Did your WH want to be in the childs life? If so, did you support that?
What if OW started the whole preg idea just to be vindictive?
Any ideas/advice/words of wisdom apreciated..

Thanks

Welcome...(I hate saying welcome)

My husband has 2 OC with the same woman.

It's been a struggle.

OW did get pg on purpose in my case. She's told us so.

Our marriage is WONDERFUL now.

We are suing for custody of the children BTW.

My H had a child with the OW. Right now we do not have contact with OW/OC. If I was not married to him with 2 kids already I would never have stayed in this situation. I would strongly suggest you not marry him, especially if she is pregnant.

EL,

The first question that comes to mind is "what do you want"?
You are a little diffent than most here due to the fact you are not married, but do have 4 years with this guy.

At first sight, I am with Faith that you should not get M.
I am not telling you to leave him either. What does he have to say for himself? Is he commited to NC with the OW?

Are the pluses greater than the minuses with this guy?
Other than this stupid action, is he good at filling your Emotional Needs? Is he a good stepdad to your kids? Are you aware of what his Emotional Needs are?

Just so you know, I am a WS who is trying to keep his M together. Many of the BS here have a differnt take on things than I do.

TH

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I've yet to make any final desicion but I've pondered alot in this whole mess. I'm going to try to touch on a little of what everyone said/asked within my feelings on this.

It was a mistake, yes, a painful one at that. We had such an incredible bond prior to the A. We somewhat lost "touch" on what was important to eachother once I lost my job and he gained his. He was working 10-20 hour days in his new position since his store was a total mess. I was exhausted from my own loss of a job, and the kids, and housework etc. He'd get home in time to sleep and begin another shift covering a "called off" co-worker or the like. I was generally asleep by the time he finally got home.

Our relationship was always so wonderful. I honestly had no gripes over it. Every once in awhile we'd bicker about something silly.. like not paying attention that my son went to school and didn't change his shirt.. nothing important at all. The biggest problem we've had was I was angry at something and he wanted me to talk to him. I was in a bad mood and walked away and he pulled me toward him to keep me from walked. He "grabbed" my arm in the process and I blew up at him and punched him. That produced a 4 hour talk/fight/discussion. That was it. So, other then the A, no.. I had no problems with our relationship. We've taken the ENQ and have brought to light any needs that I possibly could have not known, and feel sure that I now know what he needs/wants in life. We've also made a binder with the test in it, and will take the ENQ again every year so we can prioritize if our needs should change.

The plusses in staying together FAR outweigh the minuses. He is awesome about fullfilling almost all over my EN. Sometimes he slacks in the affection dept, because to him affection is sex. He isn't the "TV show father" to my kids, but he does try hard to respect my wishes and dreams of this. If I expect paternal perfection I'll always get let down.. but I've learned how to show him what I want. He has no idea how to be a father, his father barely spoke to him in his life.. let alone bonded with him.

With the prospect of her being pregnant, I no longer feel it was done on purpose. I've talked with the OW and she's stated she does not even WANT a baby, she has a child of her own from a previous relationship and is satisfied how her life is. Why no birth control was being used, I'll never know.. but a child would not please her in the slightest.

I've considered the options to myself before I've mentioned anything to my WF... I dont want to say anything that I'm not serious about until I'm sure. I've considered that if she is pregnant, that I'd support his choice if he wanted to have custody of his child. I love children, I would have more if I could. I cannot. He's concerned I'd dislike a child coming out of an affair. That is not even an issue. A) I could NEVER treat a child poorly. B) A child has no control of how it was brought into this world. C)Children are never to blame for affairs.

Would it be wrong of me to have a want to raise his child. She's already said she doesnt want a baby. If this DOES come up, could that be something that would be ok to do? No, it wouldn't be my child, it's theirs... It's 1/2 his.

I dont know if it's already been mentioned but thinking it through, the likelihood that she is pregnant is very slim. So this is probably not an issue. But I want it thought through before the "ok now what" factor is here. I think better when not under pressure.

As for marriage to my fiance.. We've discussed it obviously since he is my fiance.. but even before the affair we've discussed that I wont be in any church until I'm 101% sure I'm ready. He said even if we never get married he still wants to be with me. We both had failed marriages.. I do not like the statistics on subsequent marriages. I will not accept failure of another marriage, so will not move into one unless we are both really ready. There is no definate set plan or date, we will know when the time comes.

Hope I covered everything...
Thanks!!!!!!!!!!

EL, hi, welcome.

<raises her hand>, My H (but at the time fiance) also had a child with OW. Our D-day was when ow was about 3 months pregnant. We married before oc was born on the wedding day we had already set.

We do have contact. H always wanted to be invloved with OC and yes, i did support that becuase i knew it would be necessary for him if that makes sense.

Lots of OW try to play the pregnancy card. There are lots of stories, even if you read back through the archives of this site, of OW's who claim to be pregnant. For some it is an attempt to reel the man back in. For others it is an attmept to not be "forgotten" when the man goes back to his preexisting relationships.

personally from the description of the timing you mention, i would be suprised if she was pregnant unless she has a really really short cycle.

I wouldnt be getting too worked up about this until you have proper confirmation of positive test. But that said, no it is not wrong of you to consdier whether you could raise this child. i think we have all had that thought. It is one of the less "traumatic" (at least from the marriage side) options for managing this situation.

Hugs

Carolyn

Hi, I'm one of the BS's that Carolyn mentioned. I don't post much anymore, but I still read the board, and your post stuck out like a sore thumb.

The OW in my situation pretended to be pregnant in order to force my husband to make a choice between her or me. When he didn't drop me immediately, she got nasty. A restraining order eventually sent her the message "It's over". She was never pregnant, but for awhile there, she had me running in circles. We found out later that she likes to play pregnancy scares to extort money.

Anyway, what I'm wondering in your situation...is the affair over? She's worried about being pregnant, so she makes sure everyone knows, probably. She probably wants to see your fiance's reaction.

Does she know that you can't have children? Not to sound mean, but perhaps she's enjoying the feeling of being able to give your fiance something you aren't able to. (I had my tubes tied and my husband had always wanted a boy, so therefore our OW tried to convince him that she was carrying a boy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) There was never a DNA test ordered by the court, no other evidence of any kind of a baby, and for over a year after the affair ended, she kept trying to convince him that he had a son out there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Like Carolyn said...don't worry about it right now. If you two think that marriage in the future is still possible, work on healing the damage and restoring trust. If you let the OW intrude (as they think they have the right to) in your relationship, you'll never get anywhere.

Some OW usually want you to think that they're sorry, that they don't want anything from you...that's how they get you to lower your guard. As soon as you become all cozy with the OW, out comes the knife. Never believe anything the OW tells you. She says she doesn't want another child. She may be lying.

Anyway, I didn't mean to come off sounding bitter, so forgive if I did. I just don't want to see another woman get scammed like I did. I hope I helped a little.

Thanks for your words of wisdom!! It's sick to think that anyone would enjoy prolonging pain and stress in any marriage with a fake pregnancy, but I'm sure it happens every day. From what I know about this woman another child would screw her royally. She barely makes money, lives with her parents, already has one kid. One would hope she is being honest with her feeling of fear.. but I'll never know for sure.

I've already discussed with her, without being a total witch that if she misses her period I'll be driving her to the nearest freeclinic for a REAL pregnancy test. In my mind as well, no matter what the results are, my WF is not a "father" until a child is born and DNA tests prove that. I watch enough shows of "You are NOT the father" to know how some women can be.

I wanted WF to know that if she is pregnant I'd be willing to support his child since she doesn't want one. Mostly because he fears that if she is I'd be out the door.. and I'm affraid that he'd not want to tell me. It was put out there right away so he wouldn't feel the fear of telling me whenever she tells him.

I've had the opportunity to have a lengthly conversation with the OW via telephone. I wanted to "feel out" the situation firsthand, and not from what he tells me. She now has my phone number, and no idea how to reach him, so the situation can be closer monitored <eg>. Praying she isn't...

No offense, but......how can she get pregnant on purpose without your WH consent? Did he use a condom??? Did she dump out the contents into herself??? If he didnt use a condom, then THEY got pregnant on purpose regardless of what she says. This is just the way I see it. Seems alot of BS try and make it seem like their WS is at less of fault or try and put more blame on the shoulders of the OP......I say its at least 50/50 with the WS. Probably more like 60/40, since they were the ones in a committed relationship.

JMHO!!!! Sooooo, dont flame me.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I always try and think how important is the message I am trying to send when I first have to say "No offense, but.....".

The point above was more about "intent", not so much about fault. WH was more less into "getting his rocks off" and not so much into "trapping", or "baby making".

If your only thinking about fault for the pregnacy, then yes, they each own %50. I think all of us get that part.

TH

P.S.

I intented this to be more like a "bic lighter", not a "flame thrower" :-)

StartinOver,

No flame, but how about, "don't worry, I am on birth control pills. See, I am taking one now." Of course, H was stupid to believe her, but what man WANTS to wear a condom, especially in a super exciting, fulfilling, true love, affair? And OW never lie anyway.

If a woman constantly assures a man she has taken care of the birth control issue then she has robbed him of control of this issue and is responsible. Getting pregnant "on purpose" is the oldest game in the history of time to control men.

Men should a) keep it to themselves and their wives, b) wear a condom to protect themselves and spouses from diseases and pregnancies.

Women know better. They will be the bearer of the burden, even if it is an error. We KNOW how not to get pregnant, if we don't want to.

Eeyore, I know it is hard not to freak out.

Be patient. This OW is trying to rattle you and your fiance. Wait until she proves she is pregnant and then wait again for proof of paternity. Nothing is certain yet.

Points taken from both of you ladies.....thanks for not crucifying me also. I just believe a person is WILLING to be trapped if they have unprotected sex outside of their marriage...whether the OW intends it or not.

*Quietly steps out of thread and closes door behind*

StartinOver,

I also believe you are risking way to much having sex outside your marriage. And it is generally with people who aren't of high moral character, so lying should be expected on both sides. But I don't think anyone is really willing to be trapped with a pregnancy or an STD, they're just incredibly short sighted.

No need to exit the thread! Your post is a valid opinion. BTW, TH is a man.

FYI ... there is some information not forthcoming here

this poster is not married to her fiance' ... because his divorce from his wife
is not final

her divorce is recently final (4 months)

as you were

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Eeyore,
Is this true? And another woman thinks she is pregnant by him? So that makes you, wife and other woman?

Yikes!

IF this is true, RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RUN LIKE ******!!!!!!!!!! AND NEVER EVER EVER LOOK BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And let me tell you why I say that. I was 16 and meet my h. He lied and said he was d. One date, no sex, just talked all night mostly about him, his d, and his alleged ex-w. Next day, she stops to tell me they weren't d but they were getting one now. I tell her the truth. And my own words were if he would cheat on you, he would cheat on me. And I meant it. I told him to stay away from me. But after she kicked him out later---I dont remember how much later---he came back around and asked me to help him find an apt. I did and we became involved BEFORE his d was final--several months before. Why? Looking back because I was incredibly stupid and I rationalized and justified why it was OK, since he was getting a d, etc... No it wasnt, it was still adultery, I knew it was wrong then, and I would be lying now if I said I didnt, but he was meeting my codependent needs and I felt loved so told myself it was OK and I did it anyway. A year later, we marry. Three years into the m, he cheats on me. I find a phone number. They both deny everything. Things are great. A year later he confess to the ONS. I forgive. Funny how he forgets to mention, a child was born and the woman says it is his. She says see the child and I will never tell your wife. Guess what? Six years later another alleged ONS produces another alleged child. Still see ME---oh I'm sorry--I meant to say "the children" in secret and I will never tell your wife. FF to 16 years later and on my d-day, I found out about 2 alleged OC, ages 15 & 9.

If a man cheats with you, you had better think long and hard before you have any more to do with him. And if you really think this is soulmate, dont marry, until there has been some intensive therapy and counseling to find out what internal problem within the cheater causing them to cheat and until they learn some communication skills.

Because it is a lot harder to leave and the pain cuts a lot deeper (no offense to any BS because I acknowledge the pain no matter the betrayal cuts to the core no matter the details) when you have been married 19+ years and you have a 14 year old COM.

Also, you need to get some IC NOW. Because there is a reason why you have allowed this man to treat you so poorly. Yes, he is to blame for his actions. But there is something unresolved in you, as to why you allow it.

And if it isnt true, well then my advice would still be distance yourself until he gets some help. Unless you like drama and conflict and deceitfulness....if you do then, go ahead an marry him but remember you signed up for it.

And I intend to be direct, blunt, and even harsh because I dont want anyone to experience what I have experienced.

You don't need anyone being a yes person to you right now, you need the cold honest heart-breaking truth, and you need to be told you are looking the other way and dismissing a lot of things that the end result will mean pain in a marriage with this man if he doesnt find out why and take measures to prevent it from happening again.

God Bless You
Ann

Woah now. First, thanks Pep for the clarification, but that isn't what the intent of this particular thread was. In another thread...I have clarified that I am in fact engaged to the WF and not married. I also have clarified that he didn't cheat on her with me. They are/were LEGALLY SEPARATED. The divorce isn't finalized due to finacial reasons. His "ex" is living several states away with the man she left my WF for. She cheated on him, he tried to reconcile for a while before we even "re-met" let alone started a relationship. Why does that matter here? Pep, you stated in another post you were going to leave this alone and now it seems that you are wandering from one thread to another to clarify things for the general public.. looking more like a troll to me then I have seen here yet.
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SO.. for the general public, my situation isn't "normal" here, as I'm engaged to the Infindel, and not married. He is not officially divorced from his ex wife but has been legally seperated for 4.5 years. We have been together for 3.5 (it will be 4 sometime before the end of this year. THEY WERE LEGALLY SEPARATED AND SPEAKING DIVORCE BEFORE I GOT WITH HIM.
[/color]

Anyways, for the people genuinly here to give advice on THIS TOPIC.. thank you, I have a feeling her pregnancy scare is just to rattle our cages.. and it's not working. I'm not assuming anything until a Pregnancy then DNA test proves otherwise. Thanks again.

actually

I am pretty concerned about you & your kids

your fiance' has a spotty fidelity trackrecord (putting it mildly)

his very first post on MB in 2001 told the story about how he agreed to swinging in his marriage



you & your kids have not had time to fully grieve the loss of your marriage ... and you are already consumed by more drama ... as are your kids

I mean ~~~> who needs this?

your X husband , according to your posts, was both physically & emotionally abusive ... and here you are ... volunteering to remain in a romantic relationship which has been prematurely interrupted by infidelity

this infidelity is another form of abuse ... so here you are again ... being abused ..... WHY?

this man you love, has the potential for breaking your heart ... and your kids get to watch ... just 4 short months after your divorce is final !?!

why not cut him lose
let HIM straighten this out

and when he is free from his marriage ~~~> THEN try dating ... see if he can be faithful to one woman ...

it's OK to be without a man

it's OK to be alone with your kids to grieve & heal

this man made this mess ... and I see all YOUR efforts to try & clean up HIS mess ...

let him go
see what he's made of
his ability to straighten up
get a divorce

and return a wiser more relationship-ready individual

anywho ... pretending he's not still married will not work...

it is what it is

Pep

Pep,

Thank you for all your words of wisdom and concern. My kids know nothing of this, they are too young to get it and I'm not dragging them through more turmoil then their little lives have already been through. My marriage ended back in 2002. We've had TONS of time to get over it. My ex and I have made peace with eachother. We honestly are great friends now. There was no grieving, our marriage was a childish mistake. We BOTH see it that way. Two young and stupid people thinking we could make it work.

I'm not understanding the humungous deal being made about a marriage that has been over for 4 years? It's not cheating when your no longer married. He'd have the damn divorce a long time ago if we weren't broke all the time. That is 1/2 the reason it's not done. The rest of the reason is because she f***** up the marriage, she left, she wouldn't work on it with him... so she should pay for the divorce. Besides shes the one with a job, working s/o and no children to support. His choice to allow a 3rd party into their bed was not intended to be a "swingers lifestyle" it was to spice some things up in the bedroom. We're all young, things like this are still fun. The next assumption I'm sure will come after I tell you I've done the same thing.. we've had a 3-some too. Is that me cheating on him, with him too?

I do however understand the importance in this infidelity issue. It's not all happy-go-lucky perfect here. I took two steps back in my relationship and am being cautious to his wandering. I'm doing what I need to do to show him how serious I am, at the same time enabling him to move towards me in the same way. I'm not doing all the work and waiting for him to do it again, thats for damn sure. He's put forth an effort to rebuild, he's done the NC, he's moved stores even though it cut his check, and he accepted the fact I took off my ring. He's made tons of leaps and bounds to meet just about every one of my needs as I have to him. I'm not doing everything to clean up his mess.. I moved a couple things along faster with talking to the bigger boss, but we BOTH went to him, I just had the first opportunity as I was already working that day.

I'm really not sure where all this is coming from. Am I making it seem like this by my posts? Maybe I should post every little bit by bit. I post the things that are on my mind, he doesn't post anymore... whats the point.. we share all the posts together, read the replies together. Am I to share every step, ever conversation, every question and every doubt? Most of what is on my mind goes to him. We've talked for hours on end every evening since this all started. Is it NOT possible that the A was found out fast enough to keep it from doing inreperable damage? Is it not possible that he can love me enough to get out of the fog and straighten his ****** up before I boot his [censored] out?

Maybe I'm being naieve? So be it, that would be my mistake. I beleive that we're all human and only God can judge us in the end. That forgivness is God's gift to us and people can change. I'm going on the knowledge of what he HAS BEEN our whole relationship and not the last month of actions.

And who knows.. 5 years or 50 years down the line.. I may come to regret giving him a 2nd chance, but running out the door at the first sight of trouble will never give me the chance to see what a wonderful relationship we could have had. I'd rather live with the regret of "what did" then the regret from "what if".....

Just for the record.... I DO still worry about if he'd do it again. But you'll be damn skippy that I can stand up proudly and say it wasn't because I did something wrong, but he had issues. That I stood in the face of total heartache and still gave it my all, up until the very end. I can be proud to be who I am.

I am going to close this and the rest of my threads. I sadly will not be returning to MB. I have the books, I can read the words that Dr. Harvey put out there for the world to lean on. But I'm not going to tolerate someone following me around and nitpicking at how I go about healing my relationship. I hope to God that in 25 years when we're sitting on our porch drinking tea together that you will still be sitting here all bitter and I will remind you of what was, what is, and what will be.

For the people who really listened with heart, and with words of wisdom, I thank you. You did help us. For the people who are living with the ****** still, I pray for your strength and patience. Thanks and Goodbye.

--- Eeyore ---

REGARDLESS of seperation, HE IS STILL MARRIED!!!! Add that to the prior posts from him of swinging, and your statement that you don't see anything wrong with that and that you've done it with him as well?!?! I won't get into the morality of it, but state the facts here. You are upset, understandably so, that your WF might have gotten this OW P and we all know how that happens. Well, from his past behaviors, I'm not surprised it has happened. You have both invited this behavior into your relationship by your actions. Beginning with you two being together BEFORE the D is final. WHO CARES who should pay for it. Until those papers are signed, documented and accepted by the courts, he is still married, and in essence, you are an OW as well as this other OW claiming to be P. Then, when you have added another into your bedroom, that just continues to add to the infidelity! I understand that there aren't any wedding vows between you two, but I also said I wouldn't go into the morality here. When you do end up marrying him, are you going to change your vows from "...forsaking ALL OTHERS ..." to "...inviting others into our M bed when we need to spice things up..."? Most of these WS/FWS get into A's, whether EA or PA because they wish to have more "spice" in their lives.

Both of you are inviting this tragedy into your not yet M/relationship by both of your actions. Personally, I think you still need to run from it and stay away until he has those D papers finalized and ground rules are set(ie, no 3 somes), AND you know for sure what's up with this other OW.

Just my $.02, which is probably wasted anyway.