Pep,

Thank you for all your words of wisdom and concern. My kids know nothing of this, they are too young to get it and I'm not dragging them through more turmoil then their little lives have already been through. My marriage ended back in 2002. We've had TONS of time to get over it. My ex and I have made peace with eachother. We honestly are great friends now. There was no grieving, our marriage was a childish mistake. We BOTH see it that way. Two young and stupid people thinking we could make it work.

I'm not understanding the humungous deal being made about a marriage that has been over for 4 years? It's not cheating when your no longer married. He'd have the damn divorce a long time ago if we weren't broke all the time. That is 1/2 the reason it's not done. The rest of the reason is because she f***** up the marriage, she left, she wouldn't work on it with him... so she should pay for the divorce. Besides shes the one with a job, working s/o and no children to support. His choice to allow a 3rd party into their bed was not intended to be a "swingers lifestyle" it was to spice some things up in the bedroom. We're all young, things like this are still fun. The next assumption I'm sure will come after I tell you I've done the same thing.. we've had a 3-some too. Is that me cheating on him, with him too?

I do however understand the importance in this infidelity issue. It's not all happy-go-lucky perfect here. I took two steps back in my relationship and am being cautious to his wandering. I'm doing what I need to do to show him how serious I am, at the same time enabling him to move towards me in the same way. I'm not doing all the work and waiting for him to do it again, thats for damn sure. He's put forth an effort to rebuild, he's done the NC, he's moved stores even though it cut his check, and he accepted the fact I took off my ring. He's made tons of leaps and bounds to meet just about every one of my needs as I have to him. I'm not doing everything to clean up his mess.. I moved a couple things along faster with talking to the bigger boss, but we BOTH went to him, I just had the first opportunity as I was already working that day.

I'm really not sure where all this is coming from. Am I making it seem like this by my posts? Maybe I should post every little bit by bit. I post the things that are on my mind, he doesn't post anymore... whats the point.. we share all the posts together, read the replies together. Am I to share every step, ever conversation, every question and every doubt? Most of what is on my mind goes to him. We've talked for hours on end every evening since this all started. Is it NOT possible that the A was found out fast enough to keep it from doing inreperable damage? Is it not possible that he can love me enough to get out of the fog and straighten his ****** up before I boot his [censored] out?

Maybe I'm being naieve? So be it, that would be my mistake. I beleive that we're all human and only God can judge us in the end. That forgivness is God's gift to us and people can change. I'm going on the knowledge of what he HAS BEEN our whole relationship and not the last month of actions.

And who knows.. 5 years or 50 years down the line.. I may come to regret giving him a 2nd chance, but running out the door at the first sight of trouble will never give me the chance to see what a wonderful relationship we could have had. I'd rather live with the regret of "what did" then the regret from "what if".....

Just for the record.... I DO still worry about if he'd do it again. But you'll be damn skippy that I can stand up proudly and say it wasn't because I did something wrong, but he had issues. That I stood in the face of total heartache and still gave it my all, up until the very end. I can be proud to be who I am.

I am going to close this and the rest of my threads. I sadly will not be returning to MB. I have the books, I can read the words that Dr. Harvey put out there for the world to lean on. But I'm not going to tolerate someone following me around and nitpicking at how I go about healing my relationship. I hope to God that in 25 years when we're sitting on our porch drinking tea together that you will still be sitting here all bitter and I will remind you of what was, what is, and what will be.

For the people who really listened with heart, and with words of wisdom, I thank you. You did help us. For the people who are living with the ****** still, I pray for your strength and patience. Thanks and Goodbye.

--- Eeyore ---

REGARDLESS of seperation, HE IS STILL MARRIED!!!! Add that to the prior posts from him of swinging, and your statement that you don't see anything wrong with that and that you've done it with him as well?!?! I won't get into the morality of it, but state the facts here. You are upset, understandably so, that your WF might have gotten this OW P and we all know how that happens. Well, from his past behaviors, I'm not surprised it has happened. You have both invited this behavior into your relationship by your actions. Beginning with you two being together BEFORE the D is final. WHO CARES who should pay for it. Until those papers are signed, documented and accepted by the courts, he is still married, and in essence, you are an OW as well as this other OW claiming to be P. Then, when you have added another into your bedroom, that just continues to add to the infidelity! I understand that there aren't any wedding vows between you two, but I also said I wouldn't go into the morality here. When you do end up marrying him, are you going to change your vows from "...forsaking ALL OTHERS ..." to "...inviting others into our M bed when we need to spice things up..."? Most of these WS/FWS get into A's, whether EA or PA because they wish to have more "spice" in their lives.

Both of you are inviting this tragedy into your not yet M/relationship by both of your actions. Personally, I think you still need to run from it and stay away until he has those D papers finalized and ground rules are set(ie, no 3 somes), AND you know for sure what's up with this other OW.

Just my $.02, which is probably wasted anyway.

SO.. for the general public, my situation isn't "normal" here, as I'm engaged to the Infindel, and not married. He is not officially divorced from his ex wife but has been legally seperated for 4.5 years. We have been together for 3.5 (it will be 4 sometime before the end of this year. THEY WERE LEGALLY SEPARATED AND SPEAKING DIVORCE BEFORE I GOT WITH HIM.

Anyways, for the people genuinly here to give advice on THIS TOPIC.. thank you, I have a feeling her pregnancy scare is just to rattle our cages.. and it's not working. I'm not assuming anything until a Pregnancy then DNA test proves otherwise. Thanks again.