My husband and I are in recovery (five months now). He is loving, attentive and very careful to make sure I know where he is all the time. His A seems to be completely over. But, I still find myself checking his cell phone to see if there are calls that shouldn't be there. When does the comfort level return? Will I ever completely trust him again?

Nkay

I didn't recover my marriage, but feel GREAT again. But it took 3 years. It goes much more slowly than we would like. One day you will trust again, and the A will be like a bad dream.

Well we've been in recovery for less than 8 weeks and I've got about 90% comfort level now.

I've stopped checking his phone because if he wanted to keep things secret he could just delete it anyway. I'm a bit suspicious about his computer and wish I could get in there and check on any souvenirs he may have (went thru his mailbox a long time ago with him there one day and deleted various things).

Things between us now are so totally different and I have a huge understanding of how things have gone wrong over 20 years that I don't think we'll need to worry about another A as long as we address all the things on the Marriage Builders program.

Now that my WH has stopped the fog talk and appears almost fully reformed, I can relax a lot again and we are really enjoying each other. We have a week's vacation planned for 2 weeks time and I know this will be a big step forward for our relationaship.

I don't care about thoughts of the sex bit with the OW as I have had several more sexual partners than my husband anyway and frankly the experience has done him a lot of good in that department!! (that sounds sick hey?)

Good luck with everything. Every situation is different and I just hope that for us there are no setbacks, just forging ahead.

Hi NK,

As far as comfort goes, it depends on each individual. Everyone's recovery is different and processes at different rates.

Think of the long haul though.

It has just been a little over a year since DD for me. I would say that it has gotten better each month, a little at a time. It just doesn't happen over nite, unfortunately.

Will I ever trust him completely, Never. Dr. Harley states that every person is hardwired for an affair.

I will love him, but not so much that my sense of who I am is intertwined with who he is.

We are two seperate beings. Not one. The affair changed my way of thinking.

5 months is not all that long. It would be unwise to give up checking up on the WS too soon, or if ever, depending on your level of recovery and whether or not he gets what happened and why it happened and knows how to avoid letting it happen again.

Congratulations on your 5th month recovery!!!

That is great.


Sincerely,
k.d.'s heartbreak

This hits all to close too home. Things went really well the first four months. WS was very remorseful, very attentive, and absolutely wonderful in helping me in recovery. Although I know he didn't I would have thought he had read every stitch of this website.

Then lifes demands set in and we've had to work harder to attend to recovery and our marriage. We are now 10 months past NC and the past six months have in many ways been harder on me.

He communicates well, tells me where he is at, and calls me frequently etc. I refuse to do the checkups. Not a matter of denial. But I simply refuse to spend my time that way. Not that the hypervigilence does not exist -- I just refuse to give into it. If it the signs ever return, I will check, and if I confirm that would be the end of it.

It seems we both tend to have some level of resentment now, actually more than just after the A. For him it is the typical what do you want from me -- although it he is not ugly about it at all I know that is what is underneath. For me it is that I have to go through this. It is also because it seemed much easier for me in the early months -- then it was like wham. Because you chose to have an A, I now have to deal with the feelings, the visions, the insecurity for the time it takes me to heal -- possibly two to three years. I have to realize I made as much of a choice as he did in having the A when I chose to stay, when I chose to stay each day.

We had a vow affirmation ceremony on our anniversery. It was not so much a renewal of our vows but an affirmation of our commitment to put the past behind us and move forward. That to me means that we take it one day at a time. The roller coaster continues unfortunately, but in time the dips will hopefully not be so steep.

It is a roller coaster plain and simply. A process that each of us has to work through gradually. Though most say about 2 years -- it will be different for every individual, every marriage. Just like there is no manual for when we get married -- there is no mold for this. It is one day at a time.

Read and Journal. I had read Harley's materials years ago, guess that is why I caught the situation so early on. And read again after the A. Still reading anything I can get my hands on. Makes it tougher sometimes but helps me put things into perspective. Just read an excellent book of a woman's own personal account of her recovery "My Husband's Affair" by Anne Brecht. Was excellent.

I hope this is helpful. We are each different, always keep that in perspective. It is hardest for me when I compare myself to others.