Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 3
T
Junior Member
Junior Member
T Offline
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 3
I posted this in this forum, as someone suggested, because it gets more traffic than other forums. First off, let me thank everyone for reading this and offering any advice you might have - I know it will be long....

Hubby & I have been married for 10 1/2 years and have 4 kids, ages 9, 8, 5 & 3.

I don't really know how to put this into words, but really just want to explain how it is I feel. Basically - I feel nothing. I did love my husband at one time - I don't know if I do anymore. I wish there was some kind of test I could take to tell me if it is true that I don't love him or if it's just me. Does that make sense? I have ADD (on meds) and if anyone knows anything about ADD - one of the issues people with it have is with relationships. For me, it basically that I'm a restless spirit - I am always wanting to change things. I would love to move every few months into a new house, would love to have a different car every few months, etc. I'm not sure why I'm explaining that, but was thinking it might help clarify things a bit.

Anyway, I don't like my husband - not one bit. That's not to say I don't love him, because I'm not sure about that - but I don't like him. I don't like his personality, his stupid jokes, his negativity, his parenting ways, nothing. People will say that I had to have liked those things at one point in our relationship - but I don't know if I did or not. When I married him, I was young, divorced and looking for stability. Hubby had a great job, owned a home, owned a nice car, was responsible, etc. etc. I don't know if I fell in love with him or the stability. I don't know, I don't know how to know. Everything he does anymore irritates me - everything. Everything he says, everything he does, everything. He loves me, I know he does. He loves our kids. There are so many things I could go into detail about - but I just don't have the time or the space.

A friend of mine thinks I'm crazy to feel this way. My husband helps with the laundry, changes diapers, makes beds, really does a good job of helping out around the house - when asked. So I feel guilty complaining about other things - or at least my friends thinks I should. She thinks that I should just be grateful that he does help and quit "obsessing" over the way I feel. But I can't...

We went to counseling for awhile. The counselor told my husband - "I feel like when I talk to you or when your wife is talking, that you are not listening to either of us - rather that you are thinking about what you'll say next in your own defense". And when the counselor said that, it hit the nail on the head - big time. I have asked him time and time again if we could get together on our parenting "ways". I don't want it to be all "my way", I want us to compromise - but do it together. He always agrees, but it lasts about an hour. Just a couple of examples: I've asked him to stop picking up after the kids, but to have the kids come pick up after themselves. His excuse is it's just easier to do it himself. I ask him to please do a little of the disciplining himself - because what he does... is if one of the kids misbehaves - he says something to me like "you need to ground him". I've asked him to put the kids on the top of his priority list - he says he does - but he doesn't. All of our neighbors around here have a running joke about my husband and how he loses our youngest child. Every one of them has either found the youngest (2 at the time) in their yard on their toys or has had my husband come wondering by asking if they've seen him. (This is when I'm away with other kids at soccer, at school, etc.) He just does not get it - that he has to be watched. I don't think it's fair that every single time I go somewhere without the kids - I have to make a list and literally go over it with him a couple of times. I have to tell him to make sure he watches them, knows where they're at, and that he feeds them. I have come home many a times and asked what the 9 year old ate. Hubby's comment is usually "he was at his friends house playing and I didn't want to bother him". This is at 10pm! At 10pm, he should #1 - have eaten already #2 - be home by then. I don't know, I could go on and on and on and on and on.....

I have no interest in sex with him, although I do. I have no attraction to him. I belittle him and gripe at him and yell at him and I know I shouldn't - but I have so much resentment and so much anger towards him - I can't hold it in. He does such stupid things sometimes - has not a drop of common sense and it drives me crazy.

But then I can't imagine ever leaving him. But not for the right reasons. I do care about him - he's a very sensitive guy and I don't want to see him hurt. His 1st wife had an affair and left him for the other man. He has two daughters (16 & 18) that he pays child support for. He was devastated by his first divorce - really hurt him bad. I don't want him to be hurt again. Before he and I had kids - he would sit and cry after his daughters left on Sunday night after having spent the weekend at our house. It was the "quiet" that got to him. I simply can't imagine taking that away from him again. I can't picture him being a single Dad - I can't picture him taking care of the kids on his own - I can't picture him living alone again after all this time. He'd be completely devastated, completely. So I stay... I stay because I don't want to hurt him, I stay because I don't know if what I'm feeling is "me" or real and I'm afraid that once I leave I'll find out it was just "me" all along and that I've made a mistake, I stay because I don't want my kids to grow up in a divorced family. I stay because I don't know how or if I'd be able to make it on my own with four small kids. But then I think - Is staying really better? Like I said above, I'm always on him about something, always griping at him, etc. Is it fair to him to have to put up with that? Is it fair to the kids to have to live in that environment? Wouldn't a happy single family be better than a mad, sad together family? My kids are my world - and I worry daily about how this is affecting them, about how it might affect their future relationships.

So - again, thanks for reading this far - what would you do? Stay and continue being unhappy? Leave and not worry about his feelings? Stay and get counseling although it's been tried and the counselor basically said he is a nice guy but is stubborn and unwilling to change?

One more thing: I don't know what anyone here believes as far as psychics go - but I asked one a question the other day. This is what I asked her: I am somewhat unhappy in my marriage, but I can't tell if it's just my restless spirit, or if I'm actually, truly unhappy with the marriage itself. Do you see the marriage continuing or do you see me leaving it? This was her response: "I do not think you are tired of the marriage. I think you are bored and restless with life in general. I do not see you leaving your husband at this time. I think you need to find yourself and be happy with yourself so you can find some peace of mind in your home life. I do not think your husband is a bad man, but I do not feel him being all that supportive either. You have to basically tell him what you need and want. He is not unreasonable, and I think he loves you very much. He needs some guidance so that he can be a better husband. He is very stressed out with his job and feels very overworked to me. Bless his heart, he is trying."
I do have a restless spirit - bigtime - I know that much. I've never been a true believer in psychics, but there is another question I asked and what she said would happen really did happen just two days after I read the email - which was 2 days ago.

And one last thing (I promise!) - someone is going to say that hubby and I need to spend more "us" time together away from the kids. #1 - we have tried and it didn't do much for my feelings #2 - there aren't many people close by to watch the 4 kids overnight #3 - we do go out on "dates" now and then.

Any advice, suggestions, help would be GREATLY appreciated. I don't really know what I'm looking for from you. I don't think I want people to just tell me to leave, nor do I just want people to tell me to stay - I guess I just want someone to validate my feelings and offer some advice as far as how to help "us", whether it's leaving or staying. I also realize that I need to "find myself" and that will help me settle. How does one "find theirself?" Does this make sense? Thanks!

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 981
K
Member
Member
K Offline
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 981
Hi Txbug,

I have a question for you, please don't be offended. Being that this is the infidelity board, we see our share of wandering spouses that list some of the same complaints that you have mentioned about your husband.

Have you been sharing your concerns of your marriage with another man?

Is there a man that you are very good friends with and are beginning to have feelings for?

Do you you talk or text him regularly?

If you said no to all of the questions above, I would suggest that you get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley.

You can also get some of the Harley's concepts on this website.

There is an Emotional Needs questionaire on this site.

It would be very helpful if you and your husband fill this out.

Everyone has Emotional Needs. Also, everyone's needs are different.

For example, your husband might bring you roses, because he wants to be a good husband, and he feels that this is something that will make you happy. WRONG

If you don't like Roses, the good deed doesn't ring up any love points in your lovebank.

So, both of you fill out the emotional needs questions and work on filling them.

Dr. Harley also suggest that you spend 15 hours a week with each other doing what you both enjoy......Doing this will make you and your husband both happy.

Make sure you both enjoy the recreational activity.
If both of you don't enjoy it, you won't get the maximum effect.

Also, read up on lovebusting. They also have "lovebusting on the website.

Sincerely,
k.d.'s heartbreak


In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage.

Me, betrayed wife 46
Former Wandering Husband, 51 E/A 2005
28 years of marriage
DD 26, DS 24
O/W aka, Rat 29, A-D Assisted Living
Discovery 8-20-05 Recovery ongoing.
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 3
T
Junior Member
Junior Member
T Offline
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 3
Hi! Thanks k.d.'s heartbreak for the quick response. I'm going to check the library today for that book and if they don't have it I'll order it today. I'll take anything at this point. No, there is no other man. After reading quite a few of the posts on this site, I do realize I sound like someone who has found someone else and am looking for an excuse to leave - but I'm not and I haven't. But I'll be honest here and say that I haven't fantasized about finding someone else - someone more "my type". My ideal man would be a strong, caring man, one that puts family before everything else in life, one that isn't afraid to get his hands dirty. My husband isn't that, not even close, but I will be the first to admit that I'm not being fair to him. I married HIM and knew the man he was BEFORE I married him. I don't know how to make myself accept and love him for who he is.
Anyway, thanks and I'll get the book. I'm still looking for advice and suggestions from anyone willing to read my long post! THANKS SO MUCH!!!

Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,959
S
Member
Member
S Offline
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,959
One thing you should also realize, by all you've described, that there are dynamics going on in your relationship that probably does leave your marriage vulnerable to an affair.

The Harley's are experts at marriage counseling and coaching, and there doesn't necessarily need to be adultery involved before they can be of help to you.

I would suggest that you seem to find yourself at a crossroads, and there is no better time to schedule at least a phone appointment with the Harleys, who have probably seen other couples "just like you", and have some really good ideas and steps for you to take to improve your current marriage.

I would strongly recommend that you consider contacting the Harley's for professional advice.

Best wishes,
SD


BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04

***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 725 guests, and 68 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Zion9038xe, renki, Gocroswell, Allen Inverson, Logan bauer
72,026 Registered Users
Latest Posts
How important is it to get the whole story?
by leemc - 07/18/25 10:58 AM
Following Ex-Wifes Nursing Schedule?
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:21 AM
My wife wants a separation
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:20 AM
Spying husband arrested
by coooper - 06/24/25 09:19 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,624
Posts2,323,518
Members72,026
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2025, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 8.0.0