I don't know if anyone can share some insights but I'm having a very hard time right now.As many of you have probably already gone through,it's finally happened to me: my IL's and SIL etc have now met the OW and I am sick to stomach like I haven't been in a long time.

My exwh apparently has brought this person by and now they all know her.I thought this day might come but also wondered how they would take it as they all used to say such things about the OW and how she wouldn't be welcomed in to the family,etc.Of course now that time has passed,all those feelings must now be replaced by "Well,he is our son/brother" etc.

What makes me feel so hurt is that this OW is the one who helped wreck our marriage/family and caused so much pain to us all and now? Bygones are bygones? Anyone but that OW even I would accept.But now it looks like she will get the benefit of family gatherings and so on.Also,I now have to endure the inevitable fact that he will bring my kids around her after all this time.

I'm losing it.I feel almost back to D-Day.betrayed yet again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

(( [color:"blue"] American Beauty [/color] ))
This is something that many of us have to go through. I know it hurts, and you feel betrayed all over again, this time by your IL. Some people decide to "Plan B" their in-laws; sometimes that is right and sometimes it hurts all parties involved. Here is a LINK to something that was written a few months ago, addressing a similar situation. It might help. Meanwhile, work on your own family and friend relationships, to make sure they are as healthy as possible.

i understand how you feel.
the ow's family always said my ex would not be welcome,etc, as he was the reason for the ending of her marriage of only a few short months. they wanted nothing to do with my ex. but, i guess as a family, what are you going to do? they have "accepted" him now. he goes there all the time with her and is around her family all the time now. and my IL's who had nothing good to say about her, ow, are supposedly coming up this way for thanksgiving with my ex bil and sil so they will meet her too. they were devastated by my exes actions but also blood is thicker than water and they are all about forgiveness so...

my kids are already around ow.. and have been around her family. ow's mother buys my kids gifts all the time! that part sucks. i hate that. but, what can i do? absolutely nothing. but it sucks. having been through it, if my son EVER did the things my ex did, i would NEVER be accepting of an ow in my home. he would just have to come without her if he chose that path. what is hard is my fil had an A on my MIL so she knows how i feel. i don't think it will be all easy sailing on my exes side of the family for ow. she has some major butt kissing to do.

i guess i have plan b my IL's. they are not mine anymore. i have not spoken or emailed with them for a good 6 or more months now. what is the point? they did what they could for me. but he is their son and ultimately it is with him thier loyalties lie. plus, i think they are upset with me for not taking his crap anymore and for having him arrested for shoving me up against a wall in front of our kids. but hey, i was done taking his nonsense. he is not above the law, don't care whose son he is.

hugs your way,
mlhb

Hi avondale and mhlb,

Thanks for your replies.I had to go for a looong walk to sort out my mind.It helps to be reminded that you're not alone with all this stuff since who really knows how it is except us right? I went to that link and saw my own post there.Sad to say now things are different,maybe.I suppose the onus is upon me to decide how I want to proceed with the IL's now.I hate that.I feel so betrayed again and yet they meant a lot to me.They still love me,so they say, but now the very thought of that OW walking up the stairs to their home,sitting on the couches I do/did,being around my neice and nephew,talking to them,all that,it truly sickens me.Do I ever want to go back there again now knowing she was there tainting everything?

mlhb I really think I will throw up if my kids have to be around the OW.I don't know how you're managing.I know it's coming my way.My ex picked the kids up today in OW"s car.I told him NEVER to bring that car around me or in my driveway ever again.I know I won't be able to do anything about them meeting either except talk to my kids about what is right and wrong.They already saw me breakdown today after being so together for so long.

Part of me wants to plan B my IL's since now it will be all too painful to see or talk to them knowing that they have allowed OW in their homes after saying she wouldn't be.What is wrong with people?! Are there no morals and integrity left? Have they forgotten how much pain we all went through because of her? I'm sorry your ex shoved you.It just goes to show you what horrible people I think WS's and OP are.I have very little sympathy or forgiveness for those like that unless they are truly repentant.

And I know it isn't over for me. I'm sure I will have to endure the kids meeting with OW,ex marrying OW,maybe even the girls expected to be in the wacko wedding (God help me then because I will crack),maybe a "devil" child,and meetings at school events,etc that so far I have been able to avoid since he hasn't tried it yet.You'd think I would be over all this by now but no.It just all seems so wrong to me and I can't do anything to stop it.I'm with you on the never accepting part of any OP in my family.To me it's about principle,morality and standing your ground on what is right.My kids will at least get that from me.

I am so sorry for you Beauty, Avondale and MLHB too.
You should not have to endure this. It's not fair. And since you face betrayal and injustice that I'm not burdened with in my own failed marriage, perhaps it's presumptuous of me to say what I'm about to. First, OW is not the one at fault. She may be despicable (ugly and smelly too), but she was under no covenant with you or your family. ExWH must bear all of that responsibility. Second (if this hurts, I’m sorry) if your children have a good relationship with IL, it would simply be wrong of you to take that away from your children. A mother will provide that growth experience for her children no matter the cost to personal feelings or dignity. It’s a very difficult path that you must walk, but there are future lives depending upon you walking straight. “My kids will at least get that from me.” I see that you know this.
Best wishes.

well, the ow my ex is now with may not have had a covenant to me and my family but she had one to her poor husband of only a few months. so she's got that cross to bare. along with my 2 children having to be in counseling because of their father being with her. i'd like to know how either one can look in the mirror and say "yea, i like who i am today" my ex had the nerve to tell me he and ow were "good people" my answer? "yes, you're every parent's dream".. bleck

i would never keep my kids from my former IL's however. i cannot control what the ****** and ex do, as long as my children are not harmed in their care there is not a darn thing i can do. and my IL's love those kids. my IL's, altho not completely all there themselves imho, did not have the affairs.

my ex would pik the kids up in ow's car as well, and if i told him not to, he would do it more. i am in school to be an elementary teacher, i think the 5 year olds i deal with are more mature than my ex acts. he does it just to piss you off.

mlhb

Gman,

Thanks for your reply.With all due respect,maybe you haven't been here long enough to know that the OP in any of our lives IS much at fault.Most of us who have been here years come to understand this reality.There could be no adultery without a willing partner(OP).The WS and OP are equally to blame.Of course if my ex talked to me first about how he was feeling rather than go out and cheat then we may have had a chance.Also,if the OW didn't sleep with a married man who had children and told him to go back to his wife and work on your marriage,then we may have had a chance.She cared not one second for all the pain she helped put me through,two families,our children.She cares not for the sanctity of marriage,family or of other's feelings.That's to put it very mildly.

Also,I have no intention of taking my kids away from their grandparents.It's a decision I must make for ME.My ex can always take the kids to see the grandparents so that relationship will always be there.I just don't know if I will be part of it or if I can feel good about it right now.I have much to still sort through in my heart and mind.So much for having a relaxing weekend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


mlhb,

I think the fact that now the OW has met the family,my ex is even more secure in his desire to ignore our past and do what he selfishly wants.Afterall,it never occured to him that meeting this OW would be very awkward for them.I know he wanted to do it for himself and the OW,solidifying the whole gross relationship.I know I can't make ex not pick up the kids in the OW evil mobile but I can set boundaries on seeing it and other stuff.I guess I was really stunned to see it sitting in my driveway.Then all I could picture next happening is OW being IN it,sitting in my driveway.Absolutely not.I would flip out.

I am sure he doesn't do these things to make me mad but to keep trying to validate the adulterous bond they have forged from the beginning."If everyone accepts us,then we don't have to worry".And he has no clue that it is hurtful but then,even as he says he hopes I'm doing well,he does stuff like this to me.Completely unaware how it looks from my end.It's always been about him.

Beauty,

This is just something you have to deal with - most of us here have. I remember the first time I heard my children went out with WW and her boyfriend... then when boyfriend was introduced to FIL's. It felt awful.

Time will heal this though. It is just a tough thing to experience. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

These things will make you stronger...

Keith

Thanks Keith.You're basically saying suck it up.I know.

But,things have gotten worse.It turns out my ex has already introduced my kids to the OW.And,they have been meeting for some time,without my knowledge.The kids were "told" to remain silent too so the deception has been widespread in this family.I was stunned.What I cannot stand is deception.And I have raised my kids to be honest individuals and they are caught up in the web of lies.It's been awful.Other stuff has happened too.

These things...they tear apart the soul.I have been a pillar of strength for a long time now.I don't want to be any stronger and I'm so tired.I want to be happy and not have this terrible stress in my mind and heart.

AmericanBeauty... I am so very sorry... it sucks totally does.. my ex is not with the original OW anymore though she is my next door neighbor and when I look at her I get sick to my stomach but my kids had to see it - they never had to deal with it... and now four years later he is with someone else of course he broke up with OW#1 then was with his new girlfriend like two weeks later... but I guess what I was trying to say - is it still irks me to some degree - but you know what my girls are exposed to this girlfriend and really I don't care anymore.. I have no one in my life and really don't even date.. but I just think you know what as long as she doesnt' hurt my kids in any way well then there really is nothing that I can say... this whole divorce process sucks absolutely totally sucks.. and I sit here four years later.. and wonder - why is that I have been alone all of this time and he has never been not once... I am not sure if he is happy or ever truly will be... but I am the one with the clear conscience and the wonderful children that I have raised on my own pretty much... so I guess what I am trying to say is yes it sucks.. but in time it will get better... people here used to tell me way back when - that everytime you have a bad day - two better days are around the corner... and like everyone says the best revenge is to live a happy life.... So really you should maybe check out a therapist and maybe talk to your doctor about antidepressants I am not sure what they do.. really except that in my situation everyday life was alot easier to deal with while I was on them.... and remember it is ok to be upset.... and don't beat yourself up for being sad.. but remember this isn't about you .. you didnt' do anything and you can only control yourself.... and your kids need you to be strong for them....

maw,

Thanks.Actually,having let a few days roll by,I feel more at peace.You know the serenity prayer? Well,I've been trying to practice that lately.Besides,I'm a very strong person inside.My ex's A almost killed me but I made it.

I think you're "lucky" in a way, that the OW that was the first for your ex is gone now.I would jump for joy if the OW in my case dropped off the face of the earth,never to be seen again.I truly would welcome another person in my ex's life but not the one who helped wreck my marriage and family.

Therapy and AD's: been there done that.I'll be ok.Sometimes it's good to vent to those who know what you are going through and can lend a supportive post and hug.I always have and always will just let my feelings come through and wait until they pass.They always do.

I hope the fact that no one is in your life is because you feel good being on your own.I know I do right now.I'm also raising my kids mostly alone.Ex is always off on some trip around the world and he only sees the kids EOW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Whatever.More time with ME!