I've spent weeks reaching out to husband, in the best plan A I can do, considering we are separated and he is still in relationship with OW. Some things have given me hope, some not.

Yesterday, in a fit of anger, I whipped off an email threatening divorce. (In our province, there is a year waiting period, OR if the BS can prove adultery, three months) Never heard from him all day; woke up this am to a brief email stating he was away all day yesterday with OW and would contact today when alone to talk.

Looks like I opened up a can of worms that I don't really want to be in. Is there any turning back?

I just feel sick. Sick because I threatened something I don't want or sick because I'm finally accepting reality?

dont panic.

you feel sick becuase you dont want a divorce.
you threatened, because you want your pain to stop.

my inexperienced opinion would be for you to NOT say, "oops never mind I didnt mean it". That will completely undermine you if at some point, you do mean it.

I would suggest you use this as an opportunity for discussion. Let him talk for a while. see what kind of reaction this has brought out in him.
But do say, if you mean it, that your preference would be to work things out between you. You're not sure that divorce is what you definately want, but you want to end this painful limbo you are in.

Depending on whether his initial response is reconciliatory, or angry, you may want to bring this up either earlier, or later in the conversation, I would think.

In the spirit of IANAL; IANALMC
(i am not a licensed marriage counsellor ;-)

Broke:

So sorry to have to meet you HERE.

Your response to your WH is normal and expected. It is such a traumatic and difficult time for you and there are times when you will lose it. I sure did.

However, I encourage you to continue with your PLAN A.

In so doing that, tell your WH that you are sorry about your response...that you are so hurt about learning aoub the affair that you may say and do things that you may not mean...tell him that you want to work on your marriage..and in order to do that he needs to end his R with the OW, etc...that you will do your part to make changes necessary for you two to have the best marriage ever, etc....

Yes, definitely tell him that you are SORRY about your OUTBURST...

Being a WH..in a while, he will forget that it even happened...

It will be playing into his hand for YOU to ask for a divorce. That is what he is wanting for in order for him not take personal responsiblity....

Well what you could do (if you can pull this off)....is a bit of reverse babble. Example:

WS: I received your e-mail requesting a D. Btw, OW is estatic!

BS: Ok, then go get it.

WS: What? I thought you were going to get it.

BS: No, I said I was ready for the D. Go get it.

WS: I don't want to go get it now. You can't tell me what to do.

NOTE: The vital clue is the WS hates any BS telling him what t/d in his A. HE wants t/b the one to dictate. If this is his reaction, then you know you've got him in a quandry.

BS: Tell you what t/d?...... here's another order.... if you are going to have this A, then you'd better act happy when u r around us because with all this misery SOMEONE had better be happy. I am NOT married to the 'other woman' (don't use her name, call her 'other woman') but I am married to you, so make sure you show us that the family's happiness is being spent on your A, so that at least we know where our family's misery is coming from.

NOTE: I have tried this....it works. You have to practice 1st. Remember the objective is to GIVE an ORDER to the WS and watch him squirm between having the A and obeying your order. Mine had such a distorted look on his face, it was scary.

Now, if the WS just says ok.....or has mild reaction...that's ok tooo..... sometimes a WS can't process too much info. Go let him think about it. Usually this is when the OW starts to put pressure on the WS and remember the WS does not want ANYONE to tell him what to do so pressure from the OW c/b sending him to the breaking point. When that happens do NOT become his comfort zone. He needs to suffer through this mess for a while so he can appreciate coming back to his family.

NOTE: Some WS' are lost in this process and do D their BS'. If this happens, you will know it is time to let you. By then your mind and heart will be in sync and you will be spent on helping a WS recover.

JMHO,
L.

Thanks for the responses... and the hints Orchid. Received an email this morning from WH stating he was on a path and had to see where it takes him, and I should do what I have to do. He said "I won't be an unreasonable man". Yeah, well, I will be an hard unreasonable woman. Is this where "****** hath no fury as a woman scorned?" comes in? Got a call into the lawyer now. My head feels like it is right. My heart, shattered into a bazillion pieces. And still, in the end, I love him.

I would NOT apologize for the remark.... no way, no how. You can say it was because you are upset... but do not apologize.
I like Orchids suggestions.

My FWH said almost EXACTLY the same thing...it's straight from the WS Script....

It's your choice but I encourage you to do PLAN A and let him make the moves towards divorce...IF you want to work on recovering your marriage.

If I had followed the direction of a foggy WH, I would definitely be divorced today. Instead, we are very HAPPILY RECOVERED..three years as of 9/15.

Then don't take action on the D until your mind and heart are in sync. It's ok to go find your options. That's a good move.

Just don't make life changing decisions when in an emotional state.

L.

AND under the COERCION of a FOGGY WS...

If you move to get the D, he will rationalize to himself that he is not the cause of this..that this is what YOU wanted all along....

He will be able to say to himself that working on your marriage IS NOT POSSIBLE..which is far from the TRUTH....